The Advent Conspiracy

what do you think?

a few adventish reflections and other random tidbits

For some reason having bullet points makes my posts seem better to me, and numbers seem to work the best cause of the order to them. So I will use my numbered bullet points to try to extract some thoughts out of my head.

1. I am kinda missing my super curly hair. The hormones from pregnancy have half-straightened my hair to have waves in it but no longer any ringlets which I was becoming very fond of that finally in my adult life. Some women have told me that the curl will return while others have said that for them it stayed straighter after pregnancy. I guess I would like the curls to return, but if God means me to have wavy hair instead, then I will have to go with it. Overall, its not a huge complaint, just an adjustment to get used to that I am still in transition about.

2. One of my favorite blogger's Arwen Mosher wrote a piece on Faith and Family Live about feeling disorganized this advent due to moving her parents from their old house to a new one because the state was acquiring their property for some community project or something like that. There is definitely the parallel that they are doing actual preparations in a home, totally redoing it from head to toe, and for me this is similar. My last 1.5 months have been spent dewallpapering, painting, and now onto getting new flooring/refinishing wood flooring. It seems a bit daunting at times, but at the same time Mary and Joseph were probably like woah we have to do this and this for the King, and we also have to raise the Son of God. And their preparations didn't probably leave them in a nice perfect comfy place, but they had to be ready to go, cause Jesus would have been killed if they had stayed. So they had this discomfort, and at times right now being 6+ months pregnant and fixing up a house leaves one a bit uncomfortable.

3. And besides making actual house preparations instead of just decorating and getting a tree and writing cards etc., I am on the other end of giving and receiving link. Usually I have the capability to do a million things for others and to really give of myself. But right now, I am limited in what I can do, and even though I do much more than probably the average 1st time pregnant woman, I actually need a lot of help. Tiredness comes quickly, frustration even quicker. And if days are anything like they were yesterday, where I totally wanted to cry over breaking a paint tray in half and feeling exhausted after just doing two walls in a room, I realize that I am thankful for those around me who have been helpful. Even the smallest gestures are appreciated, and the big ones so much so. It's really a lesson in humility for me because I am not the one to ask for help unless I need it, and so many times these days I have had to ask for help. And sometimes I get to identify with the folks who ask for help and get none because there is too much business in their lives or are sick etc. It makes me empathize a bit with God who asks us to do simple tasks but we say no with every excuse in the book. I don't mean to chastise other folks for having lives or circumstances that prevent them from lending a hand, but to myself to think twice about saying no to someone who really could use that helping hand.

4. And lastly, my favorite non-Christ-mas, non-advent song is definitely Aberlin's version of Christmas, Baby Please Come Home. I just think Stephen Christian has the perfect voice for this song, and it always gets me bopping to the tune every time I hear it. My old classic favorite is John Lennon's Happy Christmas, but I would say this is a little more Christ-mas like so it doesn't fully qualify.

7 quick takes

1. I have decided that the reason my husband takes so long to get over a cold is that he doesn't seem to sleep. Last night he programmed till 4am and then went to work this morning at 8:40am. It may be just me, but I don't think that 4 hours of sleep is a sufficient amount to regain health from.

2. I am really wanting it to snow. I love, love, love snow. And since it is finally cold (The highest temp of the next 10 days is 40F.), it is now time to bring on the snow. It makes the cold worth it.

3. Speaking of cold. I am so much more comfortable outside in the cold this year than last, one odd benefit of being pregnant I guess.

4. I am ready for my house to at least have another level to live in. Right now, all we have is the basemen, the kitchen and the 1.5 bathrooms. It is at least much closer than earlier in November.

5. I am now at 27 weeks. It seems that in 13 weeks a lot of stuff has to get done, and I actually hope that most of it gets done in the next month, just so that I can relax a bit more. That and I am a bit tired of people telling me I look like I am ready to deliver any minute. I have decided that since I am a non-hippy girl that the baby has to grow somewhere and thus it grows out. Here is a pic, you can decide what you think.


6. We have a television now, its kinda strange to have one. I declared yesterday that we would never have cable TV, and my husband agreed to this. Instead we will just have our 10$ a month Netflix which allows us to screen content of what is put on the TV and also to not watch crappy commercials. We do have an adapter for the local TV, but usually that is only watched for about 2 hours a week.

7. I have a washer! This is part of my Christmas present from my husband. He needs yet to balance it since it is a side loader that we got for a sweet deal at Best Buy, but I am excited that there is one in my home again. I am running out of clothes at the moment since I have a limited amount of maternity clothes that I seem to just be recycling these days at least twice before washing. Sorry if that grosses anyone out.

Pre-advent advent....What do you think?

So I know a lot of people at least say that they get annoyed with Christmas stuff going up in October alongside Halloween stuff. But are they really annoyed? Or does the culture of the times get to them and they decide oh maybe I should get this now so I can be more prepared for the season. But why do we do this? I kind of feel that the economy partially drives the way we celebrate our religious holidays and not in a good way. But what is behind all this madness? Is it the sense that we need to make an extra buck? Does that person really another candy cane or body lotion? Does our bathroom door need that red bow on it? Why are we like this?

Maybe I am a little too extremist when I don't want to say that things prior to Christmas are Christmas parties, but insist that they are Advent parties. Because truthfully Christmas doesn't start till the 25th. I actually enjoy doing last minute shopping for things, and not putting my Christmas tree up till the 24th if possible. Unfortunately the commercial aspect of Christmas sometimes doesn't allow me to wait till the 24th to get a tree, and thus I am forced to get it a few days before so that they don't decide to get rid of all their trees. But then I decorate it as late as possible, so that I can really enjoy Christmas as Christmas, instead of advent as Christmas. It's slightly ironic, we do all this partying and decorating for ourselves when Jesus hasn't arrived yet, but then once he does, a day later we as a culture strip everything bare. Maybe this is reflective of what we think of our Savior. I would hope not, but sometimes I am not so optimistic about us as Americans.

Mostly for myself, I think besides the influence of commercialism, I think its a lack of knowledge about Christmas. You think we would get Christmas because it comes every year, and we do so much prep for it, its a bit crazy. But do we really get it? We get the giving thing and the being kind thing and the helping out thing. But really if Christmas is over on the 25th as for most it is in our society, doesn't it become disappointing once the presents are unwrapped and the ham or turkey eaten? What's left? I remember as a kid always hating Christmas day, I for one acted terrible when it came to gifts, but the highlight was always going to Christmas Eve service together and singing Silent Night. And since I knew nothing about an ongoing celebration, I was saddened when the presents were done, because everyone went about their own way afterward. I wish I had known that Christmas extended itself to a season that only begins on the 25th. That I should be excited for at least 12 days. But in our culture no one really knows that there is a time-line, that the gifts didn't come till Epiphany. Is this really important, maybe not to some people. But now that I know I thoroughly enjoy celebrating in a way that Jesus' presence really is celebrated. And to just do stuff prior to Christmas that focuses on us, and maybe a few others, instead of Jesus, instead of really trying to prepare ourselves for his coming doesn't make much sense. So where does the lack of knowledge come from.

I think it comes from the wanting to make things simple view on Christianity. Since, I am a former protestant, I blame my former self and lack of knowledge I had of the correct celebration and since our country has such a Protestant tone to it, this makes total sense. At least half of Protestants do not celebrate advent, and most do not celebrate Christmas past the 25th. Come the Sunday after the 25th of December, no carols are sung, little decoration is left and its all back to what we would call ordinary time in the Catholic church. Oh, Martin Luther, if only knew what the effects of what you were doing in your insanity would be. But if it wasn't Mr. Luther, then it would have been someone else, Henry VIII for example, who decided that their personal beliefs were stronger than that of the church that Jesus left us.

So maybe I care too much. But I like celebrating Advent as advent, as a time to prepare oneself for Jesus, and I like celebrating Christmas as if Jesus really is here and is worth more than just one day of celebration but at least 12. The only decoration I plan to pull out in the next week or actually make, since I usually make it, is an advent calendar. If we acquire a wreath I will put that out too, but right now we don't have one.

What do you think about the way Christmas is celebrated in America?

7 quick takes before I go insane

The insanity part is due to my work situation, but I am going to try to make the best of it. Pray that it gets better and that my advisor is less condescending in his accusations towards me.

1. We moved into the basement of our house. Right now we have a working kitchen, 1.5 baths and a basement to live in. All which are on separate levels, thus it is like living in a very skinny house with everything stacked on top of each other. I feel like I should be in London or New York with the narrowness of my current living space.

2. We have been dewallpapering for the past week, and its a tiring job. I am so thankful for my friend Megan for all her wonderous help. I need to start making her more food to return the favor. Also, this dewallpapering has made my dislike for wallpaper become immensely larger, and my liking of paint become immensely larger as well. Now I just have to pick good colors. I'm a fan of warm colors. What are your favorites?

3. I am enjoying the shorter commute, in 15-20 minutes, if I time it right, I can be at school. It used to be over an hour to get there. Some folks would say I am a crazy kid for the way that I use the public transit stop that is not so good, but I figure if there are more normalish people like me and less shady people going thru there then it will become a less shady area.

4. We had a retreat this past weekend with the Lifeteen teenagers, and it was a lovely one. The best retreat group I have had by far. Everyone wanted to be there and everyone contributed, no one was a grump at all. And as usual I got to laugh a ton at my husband's silly antics. And also be asked a million times if I laughed as much as he did. My response was that usually I have to ask him why he is laughing because it mostly involves some crazy news item or blog he read on the internet, and I am out of the loop till then. Or its homestarrunner.com, and in that case it is pretty hilarious, but then its extra hilarious to guys I think. Anyway, I felt like I missed out on parts of it, but really I needed to get the sleep and if I didn't get the sleep I would have not been functioning at all during the weekend or after it.

5. Lately, the laziness of people and the apathy they have are really annoying me. Granted I know people have their own lives, but TV does not take precedence over helping out where needed. At least this is true in my lifestyle, but then again, I live with out a TV, so maybe I am biased.

6. I think this weekend, since we are officially living in the city, we will need to check out the local Catholic churches, and I mean churches as is more than one. Within about 5 miles are like 10 churches to choose from, kinda crazy sometimes to think, since I grew up in an area where there were only 2 within a 25 mile radius.

7. So I know most people would yell at me with this, but I am super excited to paint. I got the non toxin emitting paint, which helps me, the pregnant lady out to paint. I am thankful also for Anne coming to help me out in advance tomorrow morning with the painting job. I am just so giddy to paint, seriously its that much fun to me.

two books

I so want this book :

Ugly as Sin - http://www.sophiainstitute.com/productdetails.cfm?sku=449

and this one:

Catholic Church Architecture and the Spirit of the Liturgy - http://www.ltp.org/p-2094-catholic-church-architecture-and-the-spirit-of-the-liturgy.aspx

I love church architecture, but am particularly drawn to the old school style instead of the modern style. Anything built plainly and most things after 1960 kill me.

my view of teen dating

When I think of all the people I know who did date in high school, I can come up with only 2 or 3 couples who ended up with their high school "sweethearts". Most did not. And I remember the days of people pressuring you to have a boyfriend or to ask this guy or girl out. Really I was probably the odd one out, where there were one or 2 guys that I liked while in high school I didn't actually date them. The first and foremost reason being was that I wasn't allowed to date. I particularly remember my dad having to talk to the one guy that took me to a dance that my mom got very upset about it being date-like, and from then on out that boy never asked me out again. In some ways I was angry at my parents for doing that. But really I now can look back and see it was a good thing, because I have changed so much since then. To have gotten myself emotionally invested in a relationship would have probably limited my growing, at least for me. I had a lot to deal with prior to this due to unfortunate circumstances in an incident in my childhood, and really didnt come to grips with them till later. So probably having this rule for me kept me out of deeper trouble that I could have gotten myself into.
Then I went to college, and again some folks around me encouraged me to date. But in my mind now I knew that I wanted to be pursued. And not the other way around. So anything that came about never really materialized much. There was a summer incident in which I was taken advantage of, and really that scarred me for a while, but I got thru it. But really what got me thru it all and helped me to have a healthy view on it all was to see good examples around me. Examples of people dating with marriage in sight. With those committed to doing the best thing for the other person involved and him or herself so that they wouldn't be jaded and confused if it did end. I have to thank those people for helping me to see that there was a way that dating could be done right. I wouldn't have been able to grow into who I needed to be when God put in my path my now husband. Those people that I saw as good examples challenged me and listened to me and helped me to keep my higher standard. So when I met Keith and interacted with him and his friends, I knew what kind of guy I was looking for, one that wasn't gonna let me fall but build me up and make me into the woman that God wants me to be. Entering into a relationship with him it wasn't a casual thing, and he never took advantage of me, but really wanted what was best for me, and for this I thank him. I still thank him periodically for the fact that he was a major part of God's plan for helping me to see that I was ok, and to move forward away from the past destruction.
Maybe when it comes to teen dating I bring all that mess with me. I can't see it as good thing just to date someone without there being a bigger purpose there. I can't see the just wanting to date someone just to date someone to be a good thing. I don't think I would be me if I had this philosophy. I think if one does date you always have to think of what is best for the other person, and the best must be based of of Jesus's standard. If its gonna be something that is detrimental towards them it shouldn't happen in the first place. And it shouldn't be out of balance, as to forget all of your other relationships that you have. Your friends will really miss you if you leave them for a guy or girl, and it won't be the same when you come running back to them after being dumped.
For the few folks that I know that it worked that they actually ended married part way thru college after starting to date in high school, these guys are the anomaly and God definitely was working in them to keep them on the right path against the normal grain of what usually happens in high school and college. And for this I admire them. I do however think that a major factor of their success was the fact that both parties involved had strong relationships with God and probably was the basis for their meeting in the first place.
For the rest of people who aren't an anomalies in this, I really think that group dating and developing good friendships are the way to go. Also to focus on who God wants you to be rather than who society tells you to be is very important. Because if you focus on who God wants you to be, you can see clearer what your future vocation should be, whether it to be married, single or being a priest, nun, or brother somewhere. Forming strong friendships and learning how to interact with the opposite sex without being romantically attached help this out a lot. Because no matter where you are you are going to have to be authentically male or female in your vocation, and live out the relationship that Christ presents in the new testament, to love so much as to die for the other. And this will apply whether it be in marriage to a man or woman or to Christ through the church or as a single missionary in the world.
So to end, if a teenager reads this I say first, don't define yourself by who or if you are dating. And two keep your focus where it is supposed to be on God. If you are dating someone be sure that you treating them with the utmost respect and dignity that every person deserves so that both of you can keep your eyes focused on your savior. If you aren't dating someone, well to me that is awesome, because God is calling you to do something different at this time, whether it be to focus on how to achieve your goals, or to be able to be flexible to help somewhere or to think about where your relationship with God stands and maybe to think about your future vocation. No wallowing is needed when being single because this time is a gift given to you by God to be able to grow and be used for something greater.

I wonder how much of this I can use on Sunday. hmmm.

7 quick takes

1. I think that I actually posted on other days besides Friday in the past two weeks. I must have actually had time or something important to talk about to do so.

2. If you follow my rants on my gmail statuses, I mentioned that we opted out of the 20 week ultrasound for the baby llama. First of all, this year we have sucky insurance so it was probably going to have to be paid mainly by us for the procedure and since we just did a house transfer, we have little money in the bank to do so with. Second, a main reason people want that 20 week ultrasound is to find out gender, not something we were planning on doing. Lastly, the doctor or midwife wants you to have it because they can only abort up to 22 weeks in their system, so if there was anything they saw majorly wrong, then they would give you that option. So yes, really going old school back to the 80's on this one.

3. There is one more week before we have a house again. So there is at least one more week that we live in Brecksville with the in-laws. Honestly, it just makes me thankful for my own childhood, and that I had my mom as my mom instead of someone else. Because depsite all the crazy things that have happened in my family, I would say that I am better suited for their craziness then for someone else's. I appreciate all of the times my siblings helped me to be more respectful towards my parents and elders, and all the times they pushed me on to be a better person. I am thankful for my parents disciplining me in a manner that worked that didn't crush my spirit and strong will to do things. I am also thankful for their willingness to help me with things that were outside my capacity, or could have been done better and faster with their help. Really, it wasn't perfect, but I think I learned a sense of authority and respect for each person in my childhood and the importance of God in daily life, that I am not sure I would have turned out the same way if it had been different.

4. Since the vaccines, are not in yet at my midwife group's office, I am slightly paranoid about H1N1 flu since I don't want to end up in the hospital as a pregnant woman. I have started my paranoia thing of not touching door handles unless necessary and have started saying a Hail Mary prayer while washing hands. The prayer of course helps, and its the correct time that you need to actually be scrubbing your hands to get off germs. If you don't want to say a Hail Mary, you could think of another prayer of similar length or sing Happy Birthday, which is also the right length for scrubbing hands.

5. I have been on a knitting of hats kick. I knitted 4 hats so far. Two for my future baby back in late summer, and then 2 more recently this month, one for a friend's baby girl, and another for my niece. I hope they all fit ok. Anyway, I am supposed to be making a sweater next, but for some reason, I really haven't gotten out of the true hat kick yet.

6. I've started putting together my thesis. Which in someways, is a little scary, but at the same time, really needs to be done. Post in utero time for baby, time will be more limited.

7. I've had major overheating issues lately. It's just making me very thankful that I am pregnant in the winter and not in the summer, so if I need to cool off, I can just go outside and all will be ok.

Hope you guys have an excellent weekend. Enjoy pumpkins and fall leaves!

kicking

Such a strange feeling it is to have someone kicking you from the inside of you. I am sure as the little one gets bigger this will become more uncomfortable, but for now it makes me smile. A simple and odd reminder of life. Most of the time I'm amazed that there is a little life with a little heart beat, with strong legs or arms inside me. It gives me a tiny glimpse of the amazing powers of God. The fact that he can create from something so small something with so much life. In this way I am thankful for the tiredness that is ensuing me right now, the one constant reminder that I am helping to form a little child along with God. :)

move out day...random thoughts

1. Sad to be saying goodbye to 9785 Grist Mill, but happy to be moving to a place more fitted for my husband and I and baby and other future babies.

2. I am thankful for having a sleep-filled night, though I just wish that I didn't have non-sleeping night prior to make the tiredness still be here.

3. I took some Sudafed for congestion, as it seems that the congestion is major enough today to feel like its running down my throat. grr. Hopefully it will help a bit.

4. I am wondering if it would be fun to do a poll on whether or not folks think our baby due March 6th is gonna be a boy or a girl. Normally this week is the mark in which people find out, and since we don't want to I wonder if a poll would be fun. I think it would be something like Do you think its gonna be a Gracelyn or a Benjamin? I could totally add the strange middle names to it, but I think that keeping those a surprise for most people is kinda fun. Especially when we are thinking of putting a full name of a Saint of our choice as the middle name. Anyway let me know what you think about doing a poll. I'm leaning towards a yes, though I am wondering where would be the best place for it. Probably it will be Facebook since only a few read this.

life happens

One of the things I never thought would have happened happen on Friday. I lost my wedding ring set while on my public transit commute. It simply fell off my person and rolled away on the train car, maybe into another's possession maybe still stuck on a certain train. Who knows. I was devastated on Friday when I lost it, but am doing ok since then. I'm still sad that I lost it, and if anyone jokes about it I get a bit angry, but I know that with all the signs posted and the prayers being said, its in God's hands with St. Anthony helping. My husband is checking the pawn shops today, granted he is well enough to get out of bed, he is a bit under the weather, probably due to lack of sleep and abundant amounts of stress for him.

Honestly, one would think that the woman carrying the child would have all the stress, but really my husband has a lot on his plate. He has to work his normal job, do work for his side programming job, then finance our new cheaper home, figure out all the stuff that goes along with moving, figure out what is the best health care plan from his company for us next year, and then on top of this, he is focused on finding my lost ring set. So yeah, pray for him if you get a chance, probably for some help if you could. I am trying my best, but I tend to sleep a lot now and not have my normal energy so my helping is a bit on the limited side.

So we do have a house, pending inspection, and the contract says we are set to move in on the 23rd, which is pending also on how fast the loan goes through. Anyway, keep praying for that ring to be found, and if you have anything you need to be prayed for, let me know.

"You're the only one who understands completely, You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"

I know most folks won't want to read a song, since its probably not that interesting to them. Oh well. It is a description of where I am at right now today.

"I am understood" Relient K

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

[Chorus]
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

[Chorus]

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

[Chorus]

The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation

houses

It's an odd thing what a house becomes. Once a pile of wood and other random construction supplies, becomes a dwelling. Probably for many families along the years. My current dwelling for the next 23 days, is somewhere I have learned many things. It was the first home that my husband I owned. Our first place to live together at as married folk, never cohabitating before hand this was pretty significant. I think in the last 2.5 years having this home has taught us a lot, a lot about who we are and want to be. How we have meshed together immensely. Granted, I know so much is yet to come in who we are and who we will be together. But moving from this place makes me remember how much we have grown in such a short time. All the silly things and hard things we had to go thru in this home. The sad and the painful, the chasing and laughing at each other's unique way of doing things.
Oddly, for as much as I talk about wanting to be out of this place, I know I will miss it, especially for the memories. Maybe I will miss the jet tub a little bit, or the double sinks. But I think the things I learned about myself and my husband, the little things that either made me cry or laugh during these 2+ past years will probably be what I think of when I think of here. The jumping of the creek to get pizza or sausage from the butcher. The stupid Disney shows on Netflix I would fall asleep to on the couch in the evenings. The time I realized that my lentil soup was not really vegetarian due to it having chicken broth in it. The making of Gingerbread homes with friends. The year+ it took to put together 3000 piece puzzle of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Having my first real Christmas tree, I am going to still be an advocate of this in our new home.
There are probably many more that will come to mind with time, disasters of having the furnace break in the middle of the winter and realizing that a decorative fire place does not create a lot of heat to heat the house. Having the hot water heater break to leak all over the floor, and having our front yard dug up unexpectedly by the water company claiming we did not set up service with them, even though we had called numerous times to do so.
So many things you can't expect to happen but they do. Like breaking my arm playing soccer, slicing open my thumb twice with a grater, and developing tendinitis in my right knee after hiking the grand canyon. Not to mention all the biking and softball injuries Keith obtained in the process there. But I think I will stop here.
I am pretty excited about our new place that we will get November 7th. It will be fun to be in the city and to be close to things and just to have a little less overall. Unfortunately I will have to live in Brecksville for 3 weeks with the in-laws and fight the I-77 traffic every morning, but the reward will be a great one in the end.

this seems to be the trend

7 quick takes

1. For some reason, I do not seem to post on any other day other than Friday. So what you get from me is a series of 7 quick takes. I guess this is better than not posting at all. What do you think?

2. With our house sold we are still in the process of finding another within Cleveland proper. We haven't had much luck so far since the first house we wanted sold 2 days before we were able to put an offer on it, and the second house the folks really don't want to move for another 5 or so months. So we are still looking, and hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel soon, so I don't have to live in Brecksville for long. I just hate, hate, hate getting out of there with the traffic in the mornings. And the fact that everything is under construction there, and they are attempting to add another lane, just means more cars will try to use the highway. Shaq, why do you want to live in Brecksville again? Oh right, basketball isn't a 9-5 job, you can avoid the traffic.

3. I turned 26, yep, I am in the upper half of the twenties now. Which is some ways makes me feel old. Though what makes me feel older is that I am now in my 5th year of graduate school and wondering when it will end. Also, it doesn't help when the freshman undergrads you taught early on are now seniors looking to graduate.

4. I am waiting for the moment when I begin to feel the baby kick. I know this will come in the next few weeks, but I guess I'm at this point where I don't feel much at the moment and really just want to know if everything is going ok in there. On a good note my belly is expanding, and I have made it to 16 weeks. woot!

5. If you ever have to choose a computational program for molecular calculations. Don't choose VASP. Its just a pain in the but with all the licensing and the support is very short with you when you try to communicate with them. And if you do something wrong the program likes to yell at you too. Well I guess written yelling, but still to me its yelling. I like Gaussian03 and Interface 1.0 much better.

6. I kind of like when my advisor recommends that I go for a walk outside somedays. He appreciates the use of good weather, and what better way then to take a break from work for a 20-30 minute walk.

7. Today I was listening to the Faith and Family Live podcast and it had a big focus on the struggles of pregnancy but how to rejoice in the sufferings. And of course they mentioned morning sickness, and while I didn't have much of that, I do have other struggles. And this reminded me that while they hare hard to bear at times, the crosses to carry to bring something beautiful and miraculous into the world have got to be worth it. So no more pouting, right?!

7 quick takes por Viernes

1. I actually feel good today unlike most of the days earlier this week.

2. I am hoping that softball actually completes the tournament today so it is finally over. Though for those of you who follow me on facebook, "It's still baseball season." In reference to the masses being American football junkies now.

3. Our house is sold, we get to pick out a new one tomorrow and then probably bid on it the same day. I am excited to move into the city limits!

4. For some bizarre reason I can take much more of Avril Lavigne than the average pop star. She just doesn't annoy me as much, though the latest album that I have is a stretch in some parts.

5. My birthday is Sunday and I feel that since I will be 26 that I am now old since it is in the latter half of the twenties.

6. Everyone was doing a thing where they were remembering where they were at on Sept 11th. I was in Calculus class totally oblivious. I came back from class to my dorm to find out about the crazy mess going on.

7. There was a pro-lifer killed today in Flint, MI. It sparked conversation about what it means to be pro-life. Most people don't really get the true meaning of it, but then again they aren't informed well. I do think that to be truly pro-life means you are contraceptive-free, do not believe in abortion as being a justifiable practice, nor is euthanasia justifiable, and when it comes to the death penalty for at least this country where our max security prisons are actually well secured the criminal that could be killed should not be because he does deserve a chance to repent his actions. There are more things to being pro-life, like providing food and water to those starving etc. But this is more on the lines of what I think being pro-life is about, caring about everyone,especially the ones with muted or no voice.

Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen

Today is one of those days. One of those days where I contemplate my self-worth maybe its because I'm tired, maybe its because it was a rough day at work. As much as I know I am not supposed to care about the opinions that others have of me and instead focus on what God's vision of what I am and who he is making me to be, I sometimes get hung up on the fact that most of the time I go without recognition. I guess that really I should be ok with this, and actually most of the time when I am in the spotlight I don't like it. But for some reason, when my husband gets recognized for his knowledge of this or that, I think to myself, why can't that be me. Instead of truly being happy for him. He really is the most kind person I know, and if all the bad things happened to us in this life, I think he could keep us keeping on, because he's just that cool. I dunno, I just think sometimes I come of as the person that really doesn't know anything because I rarely speak up. I know for those of you that read this I speak up on here, but in face to face life, I don't as much. At least not in most crowds.
I think the people that know me best probably know this about me. But it just was part of my thought process today, probably because I became annoyed enough to actually speak my mind to my boss today. And I thought about how this is so unlike me, but I just had to let him know that he continuously denies that I know what I am talking about and dismisses what I suggest and then suggests what I had suggested a day later and takes the credit. So I spoke up. I was tired of it being that way. And well he didn't believe me that he had told me that, and then once he knew that I was right said altered his response of not knowing the effect. So we will see where this goes.
Anyway, be aware. That silent girl in the back actually is paying attention and she has her opinion and facts she just might not want to share it.

quick update

Sometimes I am reminded that I am a bit opinionated, which happened this weekend. This reminder wasn't done in a bad way, probably because the person knows that I am just trying to find my own way. But anyway, forgive me for the strong opinions that I have if they turn you off to reading what I write, I don't intentionally mean to put down someone who thinks differently, nor in most situations do I know more than the average person. Most of the time I just get really passionate about something and tend to rave about it and rant about the counter item.

Anyway the weekend was good, we went for a hike, went to 2 cookouts, and to the art museum. A good weekend overall. and now it is over and the work week shall begin tomorrow. At least it will be a short week and hopefully I won't get so tired during it.

apparently its september (7 quick takes edition)

1. So, with all the hoopla lately about the Kennedys I do think the one that should have been featured more in dying was Eunice Kennedy Shriver instead of Mr. Edward Kennedy. It seems that she did a lot more "saintly" things with actually caring about the handicapped and such, and starting the Special Olympics. All the other guy did was change the democratic party from caring about the little guy to killing the little guy in the womb. But maybe the fact that the Kennedy that was doing God's work wasn't praised as much is just a reminder of Jesus' words of the first shall be last and the last first. She will undoubtedly get her reward in heaven, even if it wasn't recognized by those that write history.

2. In a pregnancy update, I actually drank decaf coffee yesterday and didn't have a terrible reflux episode. I am also glad that more times than not, if I figure out what I want to eat, I can actually eat a lot of it. Before I felt like I was eating way less than pre-pregnancy.

3. My parents are coming this weekend and we are going hiking. I'm praying that all goes smoothly, maybe my mom will relate to my sister's insanity that I am having to deal with.

4. There seems to have been a lot of facebook applications where they predict the number of children etc. Kinda like the game MASH that we used to play in grade school, in fact one of them is an electronic version of MASH. The thing with these applications, is that they really, really stereotype everyone that has normal ambitions into living in the suburbs with 2 kids and a big car. What about the rest of us that want at least a basketball teams worth of kids, who want to live in the city, and like little cars, or to use public transit. It irks me that the stereotype is that if you are educated you automatically want a small family. Well GRR to them. I want a freakin huge family and if all goes well, by the end of next year I will have a doctorate!

5. A quick one, since I am struggling to think of 3 more things, for those of you wondering, we will not be figuring out the sex prior to delivery of the baby. We are old school all the way. yay!

6. I made chicken enchiladas yesterday, and they are awesome once again. One of the best recipes for me to ever stumble upon. Chicken Enchiladas with Creamy Green Chile Sauce

7. It's Friday! woot! this week just seemed like a long one.

Miley Cyrus

So maybe I'm saying the words of a 60 year old here. But I was reading a blog article over at Catholic Exchange about a mother having to explain to her 11 year old about how the world expects something different than what her parents and God expect from her. That Miss Miley as entertaining as she is (seriously, I definitely laugh when I watch or more so listen to Hannah MontanaAnd maybe thats why its more entertaining to me, I simply listen to the jokes instead of examine the wardrobe), can be offputting to concerned parents when she dresses like a slut.
However, most women's fashions today have us all dressing like sluts. An unfortunate consequence of 60's feminism I think. We dress in less to display our womanly figure, but really we don't realize how detrimental our immodest dress is to society. We have men think nothing of us but sex objects, and if it isn't that far, they have to go to confession more frequently because there are women who forgot the whole shirt or skirt that make it so easy for a man to undress them with their eyes. And then we have young girls trying to emmulate their older sister, the women on TV or perhaps their mom, which in turn means that these little girls of 10, 11 or 12 now having to be taught comprehensive sex ed because their bodies are being clothed in a way that suggests that they are after sex.
So to come back to Miley, with her song lyrics being mostly clean, parents are more apt to let their children listen to her music. However, when she presents herself to be a sex object of all legs and breast showing shirts that pole dances and her parents approve, we run into issues. Pretty much all of her female back-up dancers were only wearing bras and underwear. The girl is 16! A 16 year old should still be innocent and not sexy. She can be sexy later with her husband, but not to the whole world. So yes, I am probably going to be labeled a prude after this, but I can take that.

the word is out

Since its past the 3 month mark, its more safe to say now that I am having a baby that is due March 6th. This is kinda super fun to me, the only scary part as of present is how my advisor will take it (since he seems to be out of the office again!). Anyway, we are gonna be surprised with whether is it is a boy or a girl, which is also super exciting. I have started thinking about things that I will need. I am a strange one, so I want to try things like cloth diapers and baby carriers instead of strollers for the first few months. Honestly, I am not sure how it will all go down when the time comes, but I am hopeful that these will work out. I also want to try co-sleeping which apparently helps with SIDS and such, and also lets you get more sleep, you just have to be ok with not having your privacy that you normally have. And the way I grew up, this is ok with me. I sometimes wonder how to go about registering for things, if people decide to throw a shower, because I don't want all the crazy gadgets, but instead would rather have just the basics, but good durable basics. So those are my thoughts, maybe I'm too what they call "granola" about my approach, but I just think that by being so, I can be more frugal and give more love instead of stuff and money to my mothering approach.

since ya'll know

I am gonna write my food likes and dislikes thus far:

Likes:
Most fruit
Thin Crust Pizza
Pickles
Cucumbers
Cheese
Rolls if they are buttery
Green Beans
Peppers
Perogies
Baked Potatoes
French Fries
Chips
Anything Chicken
Fresh Spinach
Pork
Jello
Bran-like Cereal

Dislikes:
Mushrooms
Candy
Milk Chocolate
Italian anything minus pizza
Peanut Butter
Fruit in Yogurt
Any Ice Cream besides dark chocolate or mint chocolate chip
Bread
Jelly
Ground Beef if its not in the form of a hamburger
Coffee due to acidity
Garlic and anything strongly garlic flavored

I am sure there are more likes and dislikes, but those are the ones that come to mind. Very odd things I think, but oh well it will come back to normal one day I am told.

seven quick takes, lazy Saturday edition

1. Successfully held a softball party last night, full of veggie eaters.

2. Took a two-hour nap this afternoon and it felt quite lovely.

3. Went to a garage sale this morning and had fun buying $1 clothes that had never been worn and were originally priced $40.

4. Keith has put in a major attempt to fix/clean the smelly dishwasher that really has been troublesome lately. I am praying that it works.

5. I am in a countdown mode till next Wednesday at 8am. For those of who know why, pray that it goes well.

6. This morning I actually made a hot breakfast which happens at the most 4 times a year. Keith declared it yummy, so in my book that is a success.

7. Laundry is all folded and about to be put away and its not even 5pm yet on Saturday.

reminder

This may be a short rant, I apologize in advance for that. I am constantly reminded why a certain person never knows any of my personal business, because as soon as she does, she makes a nuisance out of herself, by either one-upping me, bragging about her way of doing something or being completely unresponsive/showing a lack of compassion. I am sure she doesn't really mean to react this way to things, but seriously it drives me insane sometimes. I really don't think she ever gives hugs unless you initiate them, and I don't think she would ever give you one even if you really looked down. Why can't she have a normal person's response? Oh wait that would make her not her and actually human. Instead she is what she is, someone who constantly tests my nerves but for some reason likes my company. Why? The other two are just fine to deal with, a little cooky but still decent folks. Any idea on how to deal with her civilly without killing her when I visit in two weeks? I usually manage but really if you have any extra advice let me know.

Seven quick takes Friday

1. Though there is soccer to play today at lunch, I really don't want to play because I am quite tired.

2. Today is a major breakout day, and for that I feel ugly and want to avoid human contact at all cost.

3. Keith plays softball tonight, granted it doesn't rain, which is kinda the way its looking today.

4. I really want someone to buy our house so we can move already.

5. Since my appetite is limited these days, I am unfortunately eating meat today. But I now do not like bread, or eggs, so this is what I am left with.

6. I am excited for Catholic Heart Workcamp starting on Sunday. It should be a good week.

7. I am really getting into the Joshua Tree by U2 lately, or at least whats been playing of it on my Pandora station.

putting the why behind the don't

So growing up, the mentality from adults seemed to be to tell kids don't do it, but never to give realistic consequences, or only to give scare tactics.

Or in other situations, when you had to do something, there was never a good reason why you had to do it, you just had to.

Maybe this worked for some kids, but for the most, and myself included, it led to pushing the boundaries.

So why do parents or guardians or adults in authority say these things without reasonable explanation?

1.) That's the way their parents or teachers etc did and and despite wanting to be different they practice the same technique here.

2.) The adult already has their own problems to deal with and doesn't want to get into the why at the moment, or the why makes them uncomfortable because they themselves have never really thought about why they do something.

3.) Playing off the last one, they don't know the why behind the not or the must of doing something.

I think that there are probably more reasons, and maybe less critical reasons behind the lack of explanation, but these are what I came up with.

Now as for giving an explanation why, sometimes scare tactics are involved, especially with sex. There is always the pregnancy or STD factor that is brought up. But I am pretty sure there is no real explanation as to why it is better to have sex with only your spouse, and how sex is a reflection of God's love. Instead at least in my youth experience, sex was bad, dirty, and only the kids without morals had it. No explanation as to the why behind not engaging in it was good. Nothing about how waiting will actually give you time to figure out who you are, and what you want without having added more complication. And to actually have security in your relationship etc.

anyway, without going into more detail, I want to be the parent who can give the why behind something and have it be loving and truthful. I'll have to let you know further down the road if this idea actually gets put into practice well or not.

life

1. With our house on the market, we started looking at houses in Cleveland. I am falling in love with a few of them. Makes me want to garden and have children more.

2. Going to Catholic Heart Work Camp, though for myself, my position I am now signed up for feels more like a cop out position since it is no longer on a work site hammering and painting. Oh well, sometimes circumstances dictate choices.

3. My friend Meghan is going to Israel finally! I am very proud of her for making this move and taking the plunge to go and stop being scared of the consequences. I look forward to many skype chats with her.

4. I was able to reunite with a friend I haven't talked to in over a year. Turns out she just had a wee one about a month ago. Which is the coolest. Welcome baby Sofi to the world!

5. I am getting more excited about the potential in life these days, so many things seem to be gelling at the moment, and thats pretty cool. Prayer works, and God listens.

a few resources that I have found today that I like

First Modesty at Mass article: honestly I am more guilty of judging those that are immodest that just trying to be a good example. So maybe I should just work on this. But this gives good reason to be modest.
Inside Catholic: Mass Modesty

The Cross of Infertility Podcast: as my non-existent readership knows, I have had a a bit of a struggle with this. This hit home at many points, and is very informative to know what to do with those around you that do struggle with infertility.
The Cross of Infertility

Ingenuity Festival Cleveland: This is going on this weekend in downtown Cleveland. It mixes technology with art, they make music with science and art out of engineering. Honestly, it's the nerd in me that makes me like this festival. But if you are in the area and are free, you should check it out.
Ingenuity Fest 2009

maybe I'm not what the world considers to be a feminist

because this article in many points bugs me.

Interview with Justice Ginsburg


Maybe its the fact that there in complete subjectivity instead of objectivity in her approach to law and to the new woman Judge that was appointed.

And maybe, just maybe its the eugenics talked about on the last page of the article.

I think I would rather be an anti-feminist in the world's sense and like having babies and being a mother and have judicial decisions not be feelings oriented, then be the other way around.

avoiding blogging

I kinda have been avoiding full blogging lately. I think partially because I need to put my emotions on hold for a little while and watch it pan out. However, I can give an update.

1.)Yesterday we put our house on the market to sell. We are hoping to move into the central and southern part of the city of Cleveland, instead of being on the county line in the suburbs, too far from anything that we participate in. So hoping to sell quickly and be able to move by October at the latest. Prayers appreciated concerning this.

2.)I have been enjoying walks lately, it helps keep my head on straight and gives me a break from the constant feel of things needing to be done. So I recommend a walk around the block to recharge batteries, it really works.

3.) In about a week and a half, we will be headed to Catholic Heart Workcamp which for us means going down the road 2 hours to Pittsburgh. Should be fun, and I am looking forward to getting out of my normal routine to help someone else out. It should be nice.

4.)My husband and I went to my parent's house for the 4th, it was a decent weekend, only filled with a slight bit of resentment and anger. Ultimately I realized that my judgement of others is something I kinda need to be cautious of and work on, so I am gonna try not to judge so much, but try to see the good in the person, and forgive the faults, because most of the time a person doesn't even know they are in any fault and pointing it out just makes one feel bad. Though the arguement does kinda leave me angry with one of my family members, I guess that I will have just get over that too.

5.)I dunno what else there is to update on, check back in a few weeks for another update, hopefully I will blog in the meantime though.

need to learn humility

Sorry for the times that I have had a holier than thou attitude. Sorry I don't like the beach. Sorry I have yet been able to fully grasp the way to connect being good with humility. Sorry for being judgemental when I need to love. These are things that I really need to work on. I'll keep praying for learning in these things, and actually try to learn them. They are kind of engrained, so its probably gonna be a huge work of grace and time and struggle. that's all. goodbye.

But what is love?

Cool Hand Luke -This is Love

"Is this love
or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort,
we're swayed by every wind.
And if this isn't true love,
then we can just pretend.
But what is love?

This is love
that you would die for me.

Is this real,
or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions,
confused by what we see.
We trade in our patience,
for false security.
But is this love?

This is love,
that you would die for me.

When I'm falling down,
you save me.

This is how I know
what love is. (9x)
And I'd die for this."

quick note

The 4th of July might be extra good this year. Just saying. and keep praying. To my non-existent readership, you guys are awesome.

a liturgical clarification

Just wanted to let you know, that the holding hands during the Our Father isn't really considered an acceptable liturgical motion. Due to the fact that it takes away from the focus on the real presence of Jesus present at that moment.

When I was taught about this part of the mass, the Our Father and the passing of the peace were explained like so:

First during the Our Father, we are supposed to lift our hands up and towards Jesus, in a way of recognizing him and acknowledging him being right there. We are trying to fill ourselves up with the peace of Jesus.

Then during the passing of the peace, it is not a time to say hey how's it going, but you are supposed to be so filled up with Jesus that you want to share his peace with others.

Just thought I'd share that, was listening to an old podcast and it was talking about how this time gets abused in the mass.

"spiders in the corners that are never there.."

A prize to the person that gets the song and artist that was quoted in the title. The disclaimer is that you can't Google it, because after all that's cheating.

So this is kinda a dumb topic, but I just wanted to say that I have seen so many spiders in my daily indoor environment lately. I am not usually scared of spiders, but certain kinds freak me out. And most of those being the deadly ones, like the brown recluses and the black widows. However, a less harmful one that really freaks me out is the wolf spider, for some reason the fact that is daunting and furry really kinda makes me scream everytime I stumble upon one. Let's just hope that I don't have to wake up to find one these frightful creatures on top of me.

So given that I am generally not afraid of spiders, there has been one case where I should have been. When I was in high school and in Mexico on a boarder town trying to build a roof for a women's shelter, I was staying on the floor of this semi-school/semi-church place. I woke up one morning to find that the girl sleeping beside me had been bit. We didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary, just a normal bug bite that happened sometime during the night. But then it swelled and made her disoriented. So well, after this she was taken to the doctor, and the doctor right away knew it was this special kind of spider bite, apparently common enough in the area to know how to site its bite and treat it. And the doctor reprimanded us for not taking her sooner to the clinic apparently she was close to death from the poison and we didn't even know it.

So that should make me scared of spiders, to an extent it does, but not as much as snakes, maybe sometime I should tell all my crazy snake stories.

belief in disbelief

Maybe today I will attempt to do two entries, due to missing yesterday. At least I will try to keep the thought of doing two. If I get time tonight, it will happen.

Anyway this weekend seemed like a rollercoaster to me. I was up and down about things. For what usually happens at the end of the cycle of me feeling bad or inadequate was happening a week or so early. There are a few things that set me off that led to this point. First, I started reading a book about other women's stories about miscarriage, one would think this would help and to some extent it did, but I think it left me on edge. It seemed there were too many contradictions in these women's minds. Like they used every type of birth control under the sun, or that they were pro-choice with contradicting views about life, or that they thought it was fine to have a kid without a spouse. I guess that's what you get when you read a secular book about miscarriage. Oh well.

Next, I went to see the movie Up. Now it again was good, as I told you in an earlier review. But they struggled with infertility. Yes, lovely infertility. The word itself makes me so angry sometimes. So that had my emotions going.

And then next I went to a baby shower for a dear friend. And honestly I am ecstatic about her being able to have a baby, she too went through miscarriage earlier. But something about the atomosphere made me uneasy. Like motherhood was just out of reach, something that I couldn't touch or have. So I left happy for her, but saddened for myself.

And then low and behold a family member blatenly states, "you should have a baby now" and I'm like yeah, working on that. And so she gives her advice on how to have a baby, unknowingly that I have been trying this for about 8 months now, with a miscarriage in between all of that. And as much as I love her, this just tipped me over the iceberg.

But then there was the homily at church, it was off of the scripture Mark 4:35-41 A scripture where we see the apostles not really having the full out faith about what Jesus, God himself, can do. Instead they worry and fret and try to do everything that they can themselves to make it work.

This is like me. I have worried, I have tried it all. I know how its done, I know my ins and outs of my fertility. If anyone could hit ovulation on the mark it would be me. And yet, since it doesn't work I am in disbelief that God can make us conceive. Crazy right. So today, I finally am able to get that tightness out of my chest a little bit, because I can say to myself, God CAN do it. I am not gonna doubt him. He gave me a glimpse of it before and he can do it again to the full extent. And because of that I am ok. Because I am not going to lose faith now in my God and my savior. I am just gonna keep telling myself that he CAN do it, because he can. So if it doesn't happen this cycle or the next, well he still CAN do it.

End with a smile.

"if only it was saturday, saturday..." oh wait, it is

Last night I had the privilege of watching the movie UP with my best friend, my husband Keith. At least three times I was in in tears, tears from seeing the couple in the movie grow old together through some struggle and then when the woman Ellie died before her husband Carl did. So to a great extent this story of simply growing old in marriage with immense love is oversimplified in the movie. But we want that, at least I hope most people don't go into a marriage automatically wanting out of it. I hope they strive in marriage to fall in love more and more each day with their spouse. I know that for me watching this movie made me want to appreciate my husband more. Because life is pretty darn short. Learning to love my husband is a way I can love God, and appreciating my husband more is a way of loving him more.

Funny thing about appreciating my husband more, is that I tend to be the one with the short temper, who gets miffed over the littlest things. I know that I shouldn't, but somehow I always do. So going into that movie, I thought of all the dumb things that I had gotten mad at Keith for earlier in the week. They all seemed so stupid after watching that. The little things no longer mattered in the bigger picture.

So there was the adorable boy scout in the movie, and the dog Dugg but really the man's absolute love for for his wife held my interest. The way his wife had so much consideration for him in the way she filled out the adventure book and then told him to continue on without her on his own adventure when she had died. Maybe to those who haven't seen the movie are lost, or bored, so with that I will end this post. Have an excellent last hour of your Saturday.

missed yesterday, sorry

Hi guys.

I missed posting yesterday. For that I am sorry, I was cleaning up the basement, which to this point has been the dumping station over the past two years. So its on its way to being clean, at least its been dusted to say the least. Why do things collect so much dust?

Random topics today before I go to bed. The Cleveland RTA decided to change up the train schedule, so today I went at what I thought was the time for the train to come. However, I had missed it by five minutes. Apparently to accomodate track work and new stations being put in they rearranged the schedule. So the train that I usually get comes five minutes earlier. Kinda strange, because non of the other supposed rush hour trains were effected, just the one I take. Oh well.

Oh, and if you are my facebook friend, then you know that I got to eat German chocolate cake today. Exciting because of the coconut icing. I adore anything with real bits of coconut in it, except ice cream. and if you combine it with chocolate its even better. The only downfall of this cake today was that the chocolate was not the lighter german chocolate, but the devils food chocolate that you see in your normal chocolate cake.

And last, my name is on a softball roster. I should tell my mom this, she would think she would have misheard me. When I was growing up I avoided softball and anything involving arms like the plague. I really was terrible at anything with eye/hand cordination. I had to play duckhunt against the TV screen to be successful. So the fact that I was like sure you can do that, I don't mind being the sub is against the grain of my childhood. Maybe the sudden burst of coordination stems from the hours of playing tennis in college and soon there afterward.

goodnight.

newly born

Today I got to meet my friends 2+ week old daughter. She was absolutely precious. I am always amazed at how tiny a newborn is, though I know they have to be that small, it still amazes me. God is amazing that he creates life, and then its just the perfect tiny size when it comes out of the womb and then it can become huge like me. I'm 5'10"ish btw.

It seems that in the past 1.5 years I have gotten to see at least 5 newborns, and all of them have been absolutely gorgeous. I really don't think that God can make an ugly baby, and even if he did, the baby would still be cute to someone.

So if you are wondering, the desires still there to have children, and that means more than one. And each day I get more and more ok with God's timing for when I will have a child. I guess sometimes, I just get a little angry at the folks who don't give life a chance and then at the first moment they do they concieve. But maybe they need it as a wake-up call that God wants to be present in their lives making them more holy and closer to heaven by having children. At the same time I think that God wants me to be patient in not having children right now, and to learn to grow closer to him through this.

Honestly if I think about it, I prayed for what seemed forever for my now husband Keith to come along. And God didn't just throw the first guy at me to be my husband but gave me someone who I cannot imagine what life was like before I met him. He is so much more than who I thought I would end up with. God had him picked out and the right timing and everything.

So I know that God is doing just that with the blessing of children. I think right now he is teaching me patience, and also increasing my desire because at one point in my life I didn't want children at all. But now I know I am learning who I am, and who I want to be, as a mother. Because as a woman I am automatically a mother, a mother spritually, in my presence with everyone I come in contact with. So each day I learn, and I grow. Both in my desire for God and my desire for holiness through parenthood.

:)

allergies

My allergies seem to be getting worse and worse these days. Not sure if its just everyone is mowing their lawns more often or that there is some other plant in bloom that is totally making my allergies go nuts. I am so tempted to get a Neti pot, does anyone know of a good online or drugstore that carries them at a decently cheap price?

I really don't like taking allergy meds because I don't ever feel like myself when I take them. Medicine, minus tylenol, has a big effect on me, so I try to avoid it unless completely necessary. Maybe today might be one of those days. Though a plus is that I got my glasses back with my new prescription in them. So finally I can give my eyes a rest from contacts after a month straight of wearing them. Some friends have said for them that their eyes itch less when they have contacts in them. But I am not sure if that is true for me. But maybe I just feel more free to itch my eyes with glasses and not worry about losing the contact if I were to rub my eye with it in.

Another non-drug remedy that I use is eating the local honey. Though not sure that I actually eat it but rather drink it in tea. I think it helps a bit, though at the moment I am coming off of a stretch where I haven't been drinking it with my tea in the morning and I think that is why I am paying for it. It is not a fast acting thing but something that builds up over time.

So my question to those of you with allergies, is a neti pot worth it?

15 minutes

A fellow blogger has the rule of devoting 15 minutes a day to blogging. I am going to see if I can keep up with this. I am sure there will be some days where a computer is out of reach, but generally I think I can do this. I figure that most of the time, I spend doing mindless quizzes on Facebook I could instead share my thoughts of today or at least talk about something more than which car fits my personality, or how common is my name in the USA. And yes, I did both of these quizzes today, which means that I wasted at least a good 5 minutes right there that I could have spent blogging. So lets see what to talk about...

Tonight I went to a Bible Study small group at my local Parish. A bible study is an interesting thing to me sometimes, because to me it took me a while as a protestant to actually want to go to one. Though once I did, and it was one where it was just fluff, I appreciated it. Which is one of the reasons when I became Catholic that since I enjoyed it so much and found it important to go deeper in my faith with study of the Bible, then I was going to find a bible study to go to.

Bible studies come under all different names, whether they be small groups, or a women's study or a men's study or a couples study, or prayer group. All essentially lead to the same thing, growing deeper in your faith through word and community of fellow Christians. Honestly, you learn a lot about your fellow Christians from Bible studies. Because faith is something that is deep and very intimate. Sometimes there is good reason why Bible studies are done of one sex, because you into a lot of issues that show your soul, which if that person isn't your husband or wife/soon to be husband or wife, then it might cause some major issues.

Granted this doesn't happen in every bible study, sometimes things are taken quite black and white, and co-ed Bible studies work in these cases. But none-the-less, I do see the reason to have sex segregated Bible studies. I also sometimes think because is just women or just men, the bonds that are made there are pretty cool. Men do need other men for brotherhood, women do need other women for sisterhood. And I am not advocating sororities and fraternities of the college greek variety, those I kinda hate, but not because of the sisterhood/brotherhood part, but because of all the other stupid stuff that goes along with them, the rules, the backstabbing and such.

And with that I am done, I like unfluffed Bible studies. The End.

get your readings on...

this struck me today, its from the daily readings of June 15, 2009

2 Cor 6:1-10

"Brothers and sisters:
As your fellow workers, we appeal to you
not to receive the grace of God in vain.
For he says:

In an acceptable time I heard you,
and on the day of salvation I helped you.

Behold, now is a very acceptable time;
behold, now is the day of salvation.
We cause no one to stumble in anything,
in order that no fault may be found with our ministry;
on the contrary, in everything we commend ourselves
as ministers of God, through much endurance,
in afflictions, hardships, constraints,
beatings, imprisonments, riots,
labors, vigils, fasts;
by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness,
in the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love, in truthful speech,
in the power of God;
with weapons of righteousness at the right and at the left;
through glory and dishonor, insult and praise.
We are treated as deceivers and yet are truthful;
as unrecognized and yet acknowledged;
as dying and behold we live;
as chastised and yet not put to death;
as sorrowful yet always rejoicing;
as poor yet enriching many;
as having nothing and yet possessing all things."

why get married in a church?

Here's a question that I posed on Facebook that got really good responses:

Kiera Kurak: Not to offend anyone, but do you think one of the reasons that people no longer have weddings inside of churches is that the modern church is no longer made to look beautiful on the inside?

JG at 11:56am June 12:
I think that when the church doesn't have beauty on the inside, it loses the sense of tradition, which is probably one of the main reasons why people would have a wedding in a church. Tradition and faith. And let's face it, Americans are becoming more secular at times like this and they would probably have a wedding inside a church for tradition. So yes, I definitely concur.

But on the other hand, people have weddings at other places for a "once in a lifetime" feel. You can always be in a church, but can you have a wedding in Hawaii anyday you choose? Or because they just are not religious or it does not mean much to them.

MH at 12:09pm June 12
I'm glad you brought this up. The churches around here (at least the 2 catholic ones I've been in) are not pretty at all because they are modern. I think they were built in a time when the church was trying to show that it was with the times and not dogged down in tradition, but I don't like the more modern churches that much. Especially ones that are semi- circular. I like my rows of pews and stained glass windows. I know some religions think fancy stuff is too flashy and detracting from the purpose of church (worshipping God) and I see their point. But I think it shows that church is a special place. I think I would like to get married in a church, but I'd like it to be a traditional church. So I think you guys are onto something. Although there is something to be said for Hawaii =)

KW at 12:29pm June 12
I totally concur with you guys...but I still wanna get married @ St. Basils no matter what...Hawaii can be my honeymoon spot...it sounds too typical nowadays, wanting a destination wedding (like Hawaii)...sounds cool but too cliche nowadays

JS at 1:11pm June 12
I think that's part of it, but I think it is also because so many people don't have their faith as an important part of their life. If God isn't important and church isn't important, then why should a church wedding be important? I don't think many other faiths have the basis in tradition (whether that be good or bad or indifferent) as the Catholic church does, so I think a fancy church wedding is just traditionally more important to Catholics and htheir families than it is to many other faiths.

What are your thoughts on this?

checking in

so I haven't really posted about much in over a month. Must be a dryspell. Or just too busy. In the past month I have flown across the country to a conference in a cold but beautiful and transportationally efficient city, then went the city of my birthplace. That was a big deal, I hadn't been there since I was a few months old. I loved it too. If I had to pick somewhere to live in CA, that would be the place. My mom called later to check in and she said that Sacramento was the one place that she liked in CA too. It's kinda funny, up to this point, I thought I liked all of No. Cal. but hated all of So. Cal. Well, I still don't care much for So. Cal. visit and talk to the people and you might agree and the traffic is outrageous (someone needs to teach them conservation!) But now my No. Cal. likings have been refined. I like the areas of the redwoods, the area around Santa Rosa is amazing, and Yosemite is awesome. But I have ruled out San Fran, its just not appealing to me, too cold, too windy, too liberal, too expensive, too dirty. But Sacramento had more of a big little city feel to it. It was nice just to walk around. Anyway, so after that we hiked two days in Yosemite and then flew home. It was a lot of driving!! In a PT cruiser, a very odd car. If you want in another post, I can list the top ten reasons why I wouldn't get one. What saved the day is that my husband bought this amazing Euro phone for me a Nokia N79, and since we were in back country, we used the FM transmitter on it to play all my favorite albums. It made for a much better trip. So then I came back and have been painting and finishing up final corrections on my second journal article. w00t! OK, off to go paint. Love to all.

do you take on the angry?

So lately there's been a certain person that is extremely angry and passionate about the pro-abort stance on one of my social networking sites. A friend/aquaintance of a family member, a sweet girl really. Very grateful for her help in the past with things. But I am just wondering why did she become suddenly so angry siding with the pro-abort stances? After reading her posts, she has come to stereotype those of pro-life stances as 1.) being afraid of sex 2.)fear mongers 3.) those who want to press their faith agenda on someone that doesn't believe in God and 4.)bullies of those in difficult situations. 5.)and I forgot, apparently pro-lifers are anti-adoption as well.
Fellow pro-lifers is this true?

1.)Afraid of Sex?
As I am a birth-control free girl who has sex, I would have to say no to this one. Granted, I do think sex is designed for a married committed relationship, due to the damages that happen from the instability of a non-committed relationship. Biologically speaking there are chemicals released during sex that bond one person to another, that get messed up if there is no commitment there. So no, we are not afraid of sex, we just want it to occur where it the fullness of it can be achieved.

2.) fear mongers?
So as to tackle fear mongers, I just have to say really who's the one afraid of having babies, the pro-lifer, or the pro-abort? If having a child is something to be afraid of, then why have we been doing it from the beginning of time. In our society today, pregnancy has become disease-like and must be avoided at all cost. Its like our own humanity scares us so much that we have to void it with all our might. Really think about it, how did you get here? Umm, well, yeah, your parents had sex. But again society has told us that sex should come with no consequences, and I can't even fully discuss the ramifications of that here. But really safe sex? Is there such a thing when you have risks involved with all the contraceptive devices. Its been proven that condoms don't prevent 100% against STDs and especially HIV, and people still get pregnant when on hormonal birth control. So really what is safe? To me it means I have a ring on my finger vows said faithfully so that I know I am safe in having sex, no infidelity included.

3.)those who want to press their faith agenda on someone that doesn't believe in God?
Here I have to say the believe in God is definitely a well-sized bonus to understanding sex, and being pro-life. But really we have secular humanists marching with us in the March for Life, and political groups not associated with religion. My husband and I, while devout Catholics, do think that there is argument that you don't have to believe in God to value life. You just have to think that life is something worth fighting for, something important. More important than material things and wealth. That's it.

4.)bullies of those in difficult situations
Well the media would like you to think so with this one. What they report are the crazies, and so we as a pro-life movement get a bad name. Are we all that crazy? Do we all harass someone who has had an abortion? No. Actually we (the pro-life movement) set up a lot of medical and psychological care facilities for post-abortive women, those facing difficult decisions with an unexpected pregnancy, and actually when it comes to rape, some pro-life scholars argue for emergency contraceptives (not sure if I agree with this, and I know if I was raped, I would keep the baby, but its out there).

5.) pro-lifers are anti-adoption.
No, the problem that stems this arguement, is that we feel it a right to have children instead of it being a gift. So we put so much emphasis on having biological children enough to go through laboratory methods of the extreme variety that adoption is seen as a last resort. To me I think adoption is an amazing gift as well, and not one to be taken lightly. But a lot of people because they stress that biological children are a must, they only want children like themselves, and this is from both sides of the spectrum, leftists and rightists think this alike. To adopt is not second rate, and to adopt outside of your ethnic background is not second rate, but both are equal to a biological child. Especially to the infertile or those who have the monetary means to give the child food, love and a roof over its head. So to answer this, there are probably some miseducated pro-lifers that are anti-adoption, but the majority sees it as a way to give that life a better option than one full of hardship.

and with that I am done. Do you think this response would hold up to her remarks? If you have suggestions on strengthening the argument let me know. Thanks :)

annoyed

Why do we try to control all aspects of life? Why aren't people allowed to be the way that they were created to be, instead we have to mask things. Why is it insane to be a mom of 5, or 9. I think they are pretty cool. They have definitely learned humility in their lives. It's one thing to abstain in marriage due to grave reasons such as medical issues, extreme financial issues (not a "I can't afford a new car anymore if we have a baby"), mental health issues etc. Its another to have sex and eliminate the life giving aspect of it. It seems more and more that somehow people have it in their minds that they get to be done with God's will for their lives when it comes to children. They use any kind of barrier or potentially cancerous alteration to make sure that they don't have to sacrifice the ideal life. It's insane. I really want to be the mom with at least 5 kids that everyone looks down upon because I have too many kids. I mean I hope that they would be excited about the largish family, but it seems that when you have more than 2 kids these days, its a big family and too much to handle. I mean as of present, I'm not sure what God has in mind for the size of my family because I only have been able to make a little one that only after a few weeks in the womb went to heaven. But I have this strong desire to have a largish family whether it be natural or adopted. Honestly, adoption seems like a really great option if you want to help those that no one else wants, meaning a special needs child or a multi-racial/minority child. Both of which are awesome gifts from God because they teach us supposedly normal folks so much about life and how selfish we really are. Anyway, I am good with where I am, at least I am working on being ok with where God has placed me. But, I just don't want everyone around me to mask the beauty of what God has given them. To truly understand what a man and woman are meant to be is amazing, and how much God has written himself into us is amazing, to mask that means you miss so much of the gifts that God has given you.

about an hour after I wrote this, I read this interview. Definitely good to have someone backing me up. The Mom Squad

excellent quote from another blog

"And so the 40 year period after Vatican II was increasingly characterized by a kind of cult of ambiguity and moral indeterminacy. The less certain a person sounded, the more mature and sophisticated was he considered to be, and the more clear, certain and determinate a person was on moral issues, the less credibility he enjoyed." - DEACON DOUGLAS MCMANAMAN

this song makes me laugh

its true though, makes the humanity seem more real. And since that is my weeks reflection, I think that this helps with that. And if you don't know the band Popple, well then you are missing out.


Just Like Us by Popple

One day God got a plan
He’d come to Earth as a man
So he packed up his bags and came down, in the form of Jesus
Now Jesus wasn’t like me
Cause He was fully God you see
And He was perfection, and that certainly don’t describe me

But in a different way
He was human and from day to day
He had struggles, and temptations just like we all do
And so, He is our example
We take parts of His life to sample
Cause in His greatness, he was still a human just like you and me

He warmed the cold hearted
Largest seas he parted
Don’t forget, he’s just like us
Ya, even Jesus farted

So next time you start
To think you don’t have the heart
Just remember, Jesus had the same one that you have

"I've been so many people to so many people..."

I am completely exhausted today. I think I put too much effort into worrying about things that turn out fine in the long run. So why do I worry, why do I not trust God that it will be ok? That is something I am gonna continue contemplating. I mean it would be easy to blame it on society pressures, or what my parents expect of me, or even what my boss expects of me. But the thing is this, I am trying. And putting my best foot forward, or at least attempting to, in everything that I do. I think the part of me that worries is the perfectionist. The part that I don't want to be but still am and so it manifests itself in worry. I am slowly realizing more and more the need for silence, the need for contemplative prayer, for listening, because they are assuring that it is ok. That God is still holding my hand, and not letting go. THe other thing I realized is that these things are really hard for me to do. I would give anything to be able to shut of my constantly thinking head and be in total silence, but I can't. Again, though I try.

Trying is not the same as almost doing something though, trying in my book means I keep at it, I keep persisting, I keep wanting to be at peace, to not worry. And sometimes there is glimpses of it, which is excellent, really excellent.

I think part of my strive to do it all perfectly is that I like that well done remark, today I didn't get it. But that is ok, I need to be ok with the imperfection of myself. Those parts that I want to be brilliant but really only shine when Jesus takes hold of them. Its odd sometimes how beautiful and perfect Jesus is. We romanticize his humanity a little much though I think. He probably would never make today's hottest 100 men list. Nor would he make the best dressed list. To me he would be that skinny awkward looking fellow, that probably had crooked teeth, and probably didnt smell all that spectacular either, though the people of the time were probably used to everyone being smelly. I wonder if they based beauty on the amount of odor a person had back in the day, that would be odd to see. Though I know today, if you sit on the train beside a smelly man, well its not the best experience in the world.

Anyway, so you see the perfectionist in me wants myself to be perfect in all facets, but the problem is that I am judging that by man-made standards, ones that are virtually flawed by the fact that they are from men. So what does it come down to then?

Well I am a daughter of a King. A king I tell you! So that makes me a princess :), and so who is the one person that I have to answer to? Well the king obviously. So, should I worry about living up to this person's standards, or society's teaching on this or that. Only if they are in agreement with the king, and that King is Jesus. Jesus, the one who totally goes against the norm of what is right, and the one that people hated because he stood for truth, and was God in all his humanity. He was God in all his humanity....hmmm. His humanity of scrapes and bruises, pimples and blisters, of dry skin and smelly feet. None of these were sins, they didn't violate the fact that he was still sinless and perfect.

And we are made in the image of God, a perfect God, but what is perfection really if we base it off the wrong standard? I think now it becomes meaningless, though somehow we still hide ourselves and are shameful of not living up to the societal standard. Maybe we should rethink this. I know I need to, being the daughter of a King and all.

today

Today, my emotions have run the gauntlet. I woke up content, then went to being disappointed after taking my temperature and finding it had gone down, which in turn was confirmed by the start of my period. Extreme disappointment at that point. And then I was angry and wanted to blame someone and I did as soon as the phone rang, sorry prince. Then I was unmotivated to do anything, and then hopeful. Then I totally lost it at mass and started crying my eyes out, while trying to stop the tears at the same time. I could barely get Amen out at communion. Afterward, I held my cool, forgot about it because I wasn't going to be able to discuss what was going on with Keith until we got in the car. Then I let it all go, though no crying. I made Keith mad, because I said everything that came to mind in my thoughts, and he of course thought I was overreacting. Maybe I was, but at this point I just needed someone to listen to me and love me. Unfortunately, he only had gotten 2 hours of sleep the previous night, so I just didn't make any sense to him. Which caused me more frustration. But then I got to the point that I realized he loves me but he's just too tired to react well, even though he initiated my explanation.

I've read Arwen Mosher's blog for about 5 hours now I think today. Kinda ridiculous. But I needed a happy ending. I needed to see someone go through a similar struggle, granted mine isn't what her's is. I could see the Holy Spirit working through her words and into my reading. I think I need to learn to put it entirely in God's hands and not get discouraged. That maybe I have to carry this cross to learn something that will get me closer to Jesus. It's hard though, I don't want to think about it in that manner. I want it to just be ok. I know that even though I want this so bad, and had a short glimpse of it in January, that I still have to align myself to God's will. Not that it be done on my time, but on his. That I might grow in him. I guess that in someways I am thankful for the struggle, I will appreciate the gift more I hope. I hope when it comes, I won't take if for granted. So I simply ask for a prayer, for strength to carry the cross, and to abandon my version of how life should go according to the plan of Kiera, and instead embrace the path to align it to God's will.

It's funny, everytime I meet new people and discuss that I am about a year away from graduating, they ask well what's next for you. Before I hesititated about telling them about wanting to be a mom. Then I got some courage, and then when these troubles started, I have been more hesitant about expressing my desire to be a mother. I usually avoid answering the question or evade that part of my answer, saying instead that I want to teach chemistry to underprivileged youth or something along that manner. Or even easier, I'll pull out the Keith and I want to be missionaries card. Which is still so true, but I want to do the motherhood thing along with being a missionary. I want be a good example to those around me to how a family can be strong with Jesus.

So I am gonna continue to pray and learn to trust, to really fully accept the grace of God in this all. If you find it in your heart to pray for my husband and I as we struggle and grow in this time of our life, I would love that.

As I am reading a few years of a past blog posts came upon this

just wanted to do something for my blog. have had thoughts, but I don't want to world to know them. Though please pray for Keith and I we are going through a difficult time, and have been since December.

Ten years ago: I was 15. I was a sports aholic. I played on 5 soccer teams and ran cross country. I ended up at states that year, the first girl to go to states since the seventies from my school. Suprisingly after that at least 3 girls made it to states once I left HS. We finally had a girls soccer team at high school, so I didn't have to play with the boys anymore. I was secretly in love with one of my classmates, and even went to homecoming with him against my parents will for me not to date in high school.

Five years ago: I was a junior in college in TN. I went to Nicaragua that year, which was the first time I had been outside the US without my family. Though Jro was with me, and she is practically family in my book. Jro got engaged that winter, and I had an awesome time helping her plan her wedding. I was also taking two classes of quantum chemistry and playing club soccer, and being completely fascinated with the all Brazilian tennis team.

One year ago: I was in my 3rd year of grad school. I was teaching freshman lab still, and discerning whether or not youth ministry was something that I was going to go into. This was also my one year anniversary of becoming Catholic, which was an awesome reflection time. Keith and I were married, and we were enjoying married life and playing soccer together.

Yesterday: I was at school working on my second journal article, completely exhausted. I went to daily mass and to a Fish Fry that night before being a couch potato and hanging out with my husband peacefully because I wasn't feeling all that well.

Five snacks I enjoy: Dark Chocolate anything, 5 minute chocolate cake. ice cream, carrot zucchini bars, and chocolate milk.

Five songs I know all the words to: "Paula Sparks" by Copeland, probably any delirious song, my favorites being from the Mezzamorphis album. "I'm doing everything' by The Rocket Summer, "What is Love' by Cool Hand Luke, and "Knocked Out" by Bleach

Five things I would do with $100 million: Pack up move to another country that needed help and minister there and use the extra money to give them clean water, Go to Maurtius to live there and become a citizen (teach and volunteer there), adopt children that need homes. help those struggling with keeping a roof over their homes, give to existing charities that are doing something critical but don't have the money to keep going.

Five places I would escape to: Northern Ireland, Mauritius, Honduras, Uganda, Alaska in the summer

Five bad habits: wanting to be right all the time, not listening and wanting to solve the problem my way, laziness at times when I should be productive, being critical of others

Five things I like doing: being outside, walking/running, reading, playing sports for fun, cooking

Five things I'd never wear: anything that shows cleavage, stilettos, sequins, strapless gowns unless I am required to do so. a bikini without wearing surfer shorts.

Five TV shows I like: One tree hill, gilmore girls, the office, heroes, ugly betty

Five biggest joys of the moment: my new niece, that keith and I get to be Dani's godparents, that I have an awesome husband, that I know God has me in his hands, that is getting warmer outside.

Five favorite toys: my ipod, my coffee cup, roomba, my laptop, whatever book I am reading.

really really interesting

from the 1950's an interview with Margaret Sanger

http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/multimedia/video/2008/wallace/sanger_margaret.html

I want to slap her in the face until she stops being an idiot. And Mike Wallace is very intelligent in his questions.

for those of you who think St. Patricks day means getting drunk

The Breastplate of St Patrick

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation. Amen.

Clinton doesn't understand what an embryo is...

Stupidity at its finest