Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"You're the only one who understands completely, You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely"

I know most folks won't want to read a song, since its probably not that interesting to them. Oh well. It is a description of where I am at right now today.

"I am understood" Relient K

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go


You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then


The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation

Monday, September 21, 2009


It's an odd thing what a house becomes. Once a pile of wood and other random construction supplies, becomes a dwelling. Probably for many families along the years. My current dwelling for the next 23 days, is somewhere I have learned many things. It was the first home that my husband I owned. Our first place to live together at as married folk, never cohabitating before hand this was pretty significant. I think in the last 2.5 years having this home has taught us a lot, a lot about who we are and want to be. How we have meshed together immensely. Granted, I know so much is yet to come in who we are and who we will be together. But moving from this place makes me remember how much we have grown in such a short time. All the silly things and hard things we had to go thru in this home. The sad and the painful, the chasing and laughing at each other's unique way of doing things.
Oddly, for as much as I talk about wanting to be out of this place, I know I will miss it, especially for the memories. Maybe I will miss the jet tub a little bit, or the double sinks. But I think the things I learned about myself and my husband, the little things that either made me cry or laugh during these 2+ past years will probably be what I think of when I think of here. The jumping of the creek to get pizza or sausage from the butcher. The stupid Disney shows on Netflix I would fall asleep to on the couch in the evenings. The time I realized that my lentil soup was not really vegetarian due to it having chicken broth in it. The making of Gingerbread homes with friends. The year+ it took to put together 3000 piece puzzle of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Having my first real Christmas tree, I am going to still be an advocate of this in our new home.
There are probably many more that will come to mind with time, disasters of having the furnace break in the middle of the winter and realizing that a decorative fire place does not create a lot of heat to heat the house. Having the hot water heater break to leak all over the floor, and having our front yard dug up unexpectedly by the water company claiming we did not set up service with them, even though we had called numerous times to do so.
So many things you can't expect to happen but they do. Like breaking my arm playing soccer, slicing open my thumb twice with a grater, and developing tendinitis in my right knee after hiking the grand canyon. Not to mention all the biking and softball injuries Keith obtained in the process there. But I think I will stop here.
I am pretty excited about our new place that we will get November 7th. It will be fun to be in the city and to be close to things and just to have a little less overall. Unfortunately I will have to live in Brecksville for 3 weeks with the in-laws and fight the I-77 traffic every morning, but the reward will be a great one in the end.

Friday, September 18, 2009

this seems to be the trend

7 quick takes

1. For some reason, I do not seem to post on any other day other than Friday. So what you get from me is a series of 7 quick takes. I guess this is better than not posting at all. What do you think?

2. With our house sold we are still in the process of finding another within Cleveland proper. We haven't had much luck so far since the first house we wanted sold 2 days before we were able to put an offer on it, and the second house the folks really don't want to move for another 5 or so months. So we are still looking, and hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel soon, so I don't have to live in Brecksville for long. I just hate, hate, hate getting out of there with the traffic in the mornings. And the fact that everything is under construction there, and they are attempting to add another lane, just means more cars will try to use the highway. Shaq, why do you want to live in Brecksville again? Oh right, basketball isn't a 9-5 job, you can avoid the traffic.

3. I turned 26, yep, I am in the upper half of the twenties now. Which is some ways makes me feel old. Though what makes me feel older is that I am now in my 5th year of graduate school and wondering when it will end. Also, it doesn't help when the freshman undergrads you taught early on are now seniors looking to graduate.

4. I am waiting for the moment when I begin to feel the baby kick. I know this will come in the next few weeks, but I guess I'm at this point where I don't feel much at the moment and really just want to know if everything is going ok in there. On a good note my belly is expanding, and I have made it to 16 weeks. woot!

5. If you ever have to choose a computational program for molecular calculations. Don't choose VASP. Its just a pain in the but with all the licensing and the support is very short with you when you try to communicate with them. And if you do something wrong the program likes to yell at you too. Well I guess written yelling, but still to me its yelling. I like Gaussian03 and Interface 1.0 much better.

6. I kind of like when my advisor recommends that I go for a walk outside somedays. He appreciates the use of good weather, and what better way then to take a break from work for a 20-30 minute walk.

7. Today I was listening to the Faith and Family Live podcast and it had a big focus on the struggles of pregnancy but how to rejoice in the sufferings. And of course they mentioned morning sickness, and while I didn't have much of that, I do have other struggles. And this reminded me that while they hare hard to bear at times, the crosses to carry to bring something beautiful and miraculous into the world have got to be worth it. So no more pouting, right?!

Friday, September 11, 2009

7 quick takes por Viernes

1. I actually feel good today unlike most of the days earlier this week.

2. I am hoping that softball actually completes the tournament today so it is finally over. Though for those of you who follow me on facebook, "It's still baseball season." In reference to the masses being American football junkies now.

3. Our house is sold, we get to pick out a new one tomorrow and then probably bid on it the same day. I am excited to move into the city limits!

4. For some bizarre reason I can take much more of Avril Lavigne than the average pop star. She just doesn't annoy me as much, though the latest album that I have is a stretch in some parts.

5. My birthday is Sunday and I feel that since I will be 26 that I am now old since it is in the latter half of the twenties.

6. Everyone was doing a thing where they were remembering where they were at on Sept 11th. I was in Calculus class totally oblivious. I came back from class to my dorm to find out about the crazy mess going on.

7. There was a pro-lifer killed today in Flint, MI. It sparked conversation about what it means to be pro-life. Most people don't really get the true meaning of it, but then again they aren't informed well. I do think that to be truly pro-life means you are contraceptive-free, do not believe in abortion as being a justifiable practice, nor is euthanasia justifiable, and when it comes to the death penalty for at least this country where our max security prisons are actually well secured the criminal that could be killed should not be because he does deserve a chance to repent his actions. There are more things to being pro-life, like providing food and water to those starving etc. But this is more on the lines of what I think being pro-life is about, caring about everyone,especially the ones with muted or no voice.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen

Today is one of those days. One of those days where I contemplate my self-worth maybe its because I'm tired, maybe its because it was a rough day at work. As much as I know I am not supposed to care about the opinions that others have of me and instead focus on what God's vision of what I am and who he is making me to be, I sometimes get hung up on the fact that most of the time I go without recognition. I guess that really I should be ok with this, and actually most of the time when I am in the spotlight I don't like it. But for some reason, when my husband gets recognized for his knowledge of this or that, I think to myself, why can't that be me. Instead of truly being happy for him. He really is the most kind person I know, and if all the bad things happened to us in this life, I think he could keep us keeping on, because he's just that cool. I dunno, I just think sometimes I come of as the person that really doesn't know anything because I rarely speak up. I know for those of you that read this I speak up on here, but in face to face life, I don't as much. At least not in most crowds.
I think the people that know me best probably know this about me. But it just was part of my thought process today, probably because I became annoyed enough to actually speak my mind to my boss today. And I thought about how this is so unlike me, but I just had to let him know that he continuously denies that I know what I am talking about and dismisses what I suggest and then suggests what I had suggested a day later and takes the credit. So I spoke up. I was tired of it being that way. And well he didn't believe me that he had told me that, and then once he knew that I was right said altered his response of not knowing the effect. So we will see where this goes.
Anyway, be aware. That silent girl in the back actually is paying attention and she has her opinion and facts she just might not want to share it.

Monday, September 7, 2009

quick update

Sometimes I am reminded that I am a bit opinionated, which happened this weekend. This reminder wasn't done in a bad way, probably because the person knows that I am just trying to find my own way. But anyway, forgive me for the strong opinions that I have if they turn you off to reading what I write, I don't intentionally mean to put down someone who thinks differently, nor in most situations do I know more than the average person. Most of the time I just get really passionate about something and tend to rave about it and rant about the counter item.

Anyway the weekend was good, we went for a hike, went to 2 cookouts, and to the art museum. A good weekend overall. and now it is over and the work week shall begin tomorrow. At least it will be a short week and hopefully I won't get so tired during it.

Friday, September 4, 2009

apparently its september (7 quick takes edition)

1. So, with all the hoopla lately about the Kennedys I do think the one that should have been featured more in dying was Eunice Kennedy Shriver instead of Mr. Edward Kennedy. It seems that she did a lot more "saintly" things with actually caring about the handicapped and such, and starting the Special Olympics. All the other guy did was change the democratic party from caring about the little guy to killing the little guy in the womb. But maybe the fact that the Kennedy that was doing God's work wasn't praised as much is just a reminder of Jesus' words of the first shall be last and the last first. She will undoubtedly get her reward in heaven, even if it wasn't recognized by those that write history.

2. In a pregnancy update, I actually drank decaf coffee yesterday and didn't have a terrible reflux episode. I am also glad that more times than not, if I figure out what I want to eat, I can actually eat a lot of it. Before I felt like I was eating way less than pre-pregnancy.

3. My parents are coming this weekend and we are going hiking. I'm praying that all goes smoothly, maybe my mom will relate to my sister's insanity that I am having to deal with.

4. There seems to have been a lot of facebook applications where they predict the number of children etc. Kinda like the game MASH that we used to play in grade school, in fact one of them is an electronic version of MASH. The thing with these applications, is that they really, really stereotype everyone that has normal ambitions into living in the suburbs with 2 kids and a big car. What about the rest of us that want at least a basketball teams worth of kids, who want to live in the city, and like little cars, or to use public transit. It irks me that the stereotype is that if you are educated you automatically want a small family. Well GRR to them. I want a freakin huge family and if all goes well, by the end of next year I will have a doctorate!

5. A quick one, since I am struggling to think of 3 more things, for those of you wondering, we will not be figuring out the sex prior to delivery of the baby. We are old school all the way. yay!

6. I made chicken enchiladas yesterday, and they are awesome once again. One of the best recipes for me to ever stumble upon. Chicken Enchiladas with Creamy Green Chile Sauce

7. It's Friday! woot! this week just seemed like a long one.