Sunday, May 12, 2019

Mother’s Day

While the shock isn’t there anymore, I will always remember that I lost a baby the day after Mother’s Day. It sometimes makes me not have the best smile on this day. I know that God is good, and I will sing his praises because I have seen his work in my life, but at times I need to remember. I am thankful for what I have, I am thankful for Ben and his wise beyond years words, for Ephraim and his ability to do things athletically that I only have dreamt about, for Helena and her ability to always be up for a party, and for Stellamaris who just sets her own bar and makes us laugh along the way.

But there are 2 people that I held inside me for a little while, that I long for a reunion in Heaven one day. And one of their loss day’s is this week. You don’t ever get over grief, you just don’t. It will sneak up on you and drag you in on days when you are supposed to be joyous.

This past week, I was set to have an outpatient surgery to take care of a troublesome vein in my left leg. 6 pregnancies later, its just spent and it needs to be fixed so I can have a better quality of life and perhaps one day think about another baby down the road. But again, I went in and it didn’t work. My vein was once again squirrelly and they couldn’t catch it. So I again get to reschedule another surgery, this time with general anesthetics. So maybe one day it will be fixed.

Recently also, I have been told I need thousands of dollars of soft tissue grafting on my gums, I have moderate gum disease due to again many pregnancies. They don’t mention as a side effect of many pregnancies you will get gum disease. But perhaps like me you will.

So Friday, I was exhausted after another no go, and then I got mad. Mad because this is an effect of a fallen world. That somehow I have to be the one to sacrifice because I want to take a chance on love. I guess I am being prideful.

Intellectually I understand that with love is sacrifice, but sometimes it just feels really unfair that is a mother who constantly sacrifices. And I do take care of myself, I leisurely read and write every Saturday for myself. I make sure I get out with other women and am in nature because it soothes my soul. I walk everywhere I can.  But yet motherhood really truly is built in to be sacrifice and that means you get beaten up along the way. It hurts, it hurts in the name of love, but it still hurts.

So soon I will try my best to be okay once again with being the Velveteen Mother as Ann Voskamp calls it. But for now I am still sitting with the hurt and the hardness, and I think that’s gotta be okay sometimes.