Friday, February 19, 2021

Statistics aren't helping me

It's been a strange week, as I am now overdue. There was a death from covid and a wedding announcement and tons of snow all in one week. Statistically my head says this should already be over, and yet I am not. I am still miserable and huge and waiting. Part of me thinks that I am not allowed to have these nice things, that perhaps because I have taken steps towards healing myself, that somehow I won't be allowed to get what I want. It comes from a long line of many of my big supposed to be good exciting life events being attempted in sabotage. It becomes a head game to the nth degree because I absolutely want to delight in these moments of non repeat and yet sometimes, I just feel on guard that someone is going to take this from me. So what to do, go through it? Yep. 

Here are a few things that I am trying to delight in: 

1. Some beautiful friends took all 4 of my external children sledding this morning without me, I got to have 2 hours to myself to run errands and do some solo walking in a nearby neighborhood.

2. I have enjoyed watching Gilmore Girls with Helena, just cuddled up beside each other. 

3. So many people have asked how they can help and I am doing my best to try and let them. 

4. A neighbor snow blowered our driveway earlier in the week just in case the midwife needed to get here in the foot of snow that fell. 

5. Most people are kindly checking in on me to make sure I am feeling okay instead of just in a way of producing something. 

6. My midwife will kindly chat with me and listen to me in a way that is kind and respectful. 

7. I am enjoying watching the big kids take care of Stella, its not always perfect but they truly care and its wonderful to see. 

8. My next door neighbor, whom works at the local coffee shop, just kindly listen to me while I shed a few tears in the drive thru.

9. My Target order was correct today. 

10. All the librarians know me and kindly wish me well and safe deliveries and will feed my kids with their lunches because its sometimes just really hard to do all the things.

11. Our local recycling initiative is being well received. 

12. A husband who is able to understand and also willing to do way more than his share in these last few weeks. 

13. Middle of the night chats with God and sometimes my husband if he happens to be awake too. 

14. My almost four year old's antics of being a mermaid and her constant imagination. 

15. How big H is getting in her understanding of things. 

16. Just the feeling of love from so many neighbors that are picking up groceries and making meals and helping with replacing overused baby things. 

Maybe I can do this.