Saturday, September 29, 2012

So it's not about you, you know..

Well, how do I start this. Hmm.  I'm not sure how much I want to share about the goings on that happened since the last post.  But I think I hit some sort of bottom since then and conceded I needed help. Help that I was avoiding, but I needed it,  and I did it and am feeling so much better as a result.  And a lot of things have been realized since said help started and out of all it I think the main thing is that I was so woe is me about the whole prior situation/state of life that we weren't getting anywhere.  That attitude made it way worse.  Instead of focusing on helping the other party (insert either child's name here or DH) I was in a constant state of anxiety of how can I help me. So what did I decide to do? Change focus.  

Changing focus has really helped because, though I'm still tired, I can try to get at the root cause.  I mean, it's still a battle to fight, and I still need to work on a lot of things, but overall realizing that this life I am leading is not about me, me, me but about serving God and others in even this aspect of life has been helping.  Because it's not like I was a completely vain person, at least I hope not, but just one that was struggling and handling that struggle incorrectly.  

To boot God threw another version of this lesson at me a few days into this revelation.  The back story goes like this, I had been in contact with my parish's priest about starting an Elizabeth Ministry.  I was telling him that this was such a good thing and a way to build community amongst young mothers in the parish.  I was all gung-ho to start it up and lead, lead, lead. He then found two other women that wanted to help and set up a meeting amongst us all.  

At the meeting I told them the ideas and such and they were like this is great. The women named a handful of other women that they knew might be interested in some of the outreach parts of the ministry and basically with a few instructions took it out of my hands.  It was like being a leader that presents an idea and having someone volunteer instantly to do it.  That never happens so I was slightly thrown off guard, and off put.  But then I realized the best thing happened the Ministry was born.  People were going to be helped.  And at the end of the day it wasn't about me, it was about forming community and we did.  So until I'm needed I get to sit back for a bit and watch it fall into place. A bit odd to do but I can do it because God is at work even if I am not currently needed.

Friday, September 14, 2012

7 Quick Takes

1. So this week required first this:

2.) Then it was made much better by this.


3. So when things like this happened I didn't freak out

4. Or things like this:

5. And then there was a very good hair and new shirt day

6. Thus the week ended with smiles like this:

7. And this.

The End

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

"I want, I want, I need, I need some peace of mind, some clarity..."

Do you ever get so focused on the end goal that you forget what's in front of you?  It's like the opposite of seeing the forest for the trees.  Instead one only sees the big green blob on the map instead of the beauty of the individual tree. I think that's part of the funk I'm in. 

One of my favorite things about who my husband is it that we have similar like minded goals in life.  I think however, for myself those goals are making me forget the awesomeness of the blessings I already have.  While I want to live on the edge when it comes to being ready to do what God asks.  I'm forgetting that these little people I have around me are people. They are beautiful awesome little people and I need to appreciate them more.  I need to see and appreciate my trees ya'll.

I'm bogged down in discipline, and drudgery of the daily life.  I'm frustrated that I haven't had time for myself.  I think part of my not being able to appreciate what I have is that I haven't had a chance to step back and look at it all.  To really see each person or thing for who or what it is. 

And ultimately a lot of my stress is because of child planning.  Child planning is hard ya'll, I'm about 99% of the way there at just leaving it up in the air and going with what God is going to give me.  Society tells me else wise.  It tells me I have to plan.  It tells me that I can't have more than 2 or 3 at the most.  But there's a catch to it.  God knows what I can handle.  So if its these two boys that I have and that's it, well I better be appreciating them and loving them for the crazy mess that they are. It doesn't matter what society throws down my throat but what God gives me as his blessings.

In the end, it doesn't matter today that one of them screamed at me all morning and peed on the floor twice in a row requiring two outfit changes, or that the other one is just refusing to take a morning nap anymore at almost 11 months.  These are people that God has in trusted me with and they may be all that I get and you know what I need to be okay with that.  

So I am hoping for some time to get away tomorrow and maybe more this weekend and just regroup and just get peace of mind that this is where I am at, and I can be happy. God loves me and he loves these little people that I am raising. 

The End.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Yes, Kiera, there is a God and He is listening...

Since mid August, life has been a bit rough for me. My now 2.5 year old decided to take up screaming at what seems like everything.  Ultimately he screams for his independence and boundary defining, but it felt/feels like everything.  I probably dealt with 2-3 hours of non-sensical screaming and crying everyday.  It was tough and still is.  While it's his way of trying to be in control, it's hard to reason with a 2yo and say "Dude, we could figure this out if you would just stop screaming." Transitions were hard, every time I mentioned going somewhere the scream fest started.  And its not like he didn't want to go, he did.  He just didn't know to to respond to the change and screaming it was.  And then the other kicker was/is his brother, sometimes poor Ephraim doesn't get to do anything because his brother wants it just so and insists on cleaning up all toys so nothing can be played with.  So yeah, imagine screaming that doesn't stop despite trying to make it stop by cuddling or other measures for like what felt like forever.

It actually made my blood pressure rise, no kidding, the doctor checked it and it was high for me.  Needless to say I don't deal well with screaming.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I am not a CIO parent or something like that, but yeah, its not something that God designed me to deal with well. I would feel heavy chested as soon as an escapade started.

But I can't leave you all glum and down in the dumps.  Things did start looking up when we let him know that there was a schedule to be followed.  While this pained me to set one in stone, though its really not stone, we made one.  It helps him to know that its not clean up time, or that it is Ben and mama time.  Or its going out of the house time for an activity.  I still need to be better about the schedule, as it seems things may change from day to day.  We did try to establish a loose one that he could understand.

The next thing is that I have an awesome neighbor.  I wish for you to all have an awesome neighbor as awesome as mine is because she has been a life saver many times over in the past year.  The thing she did this time was create a box of new toys that are just Ben's to play with every week or so.  She has older and younger kids than I do so she is able to do this and I am oh so thankful for her. This probably has helped the most with the second cause for screaming the brother and I hope it continues to be helpful in this way.

So this is a struggle that I really don't like to mention too much.  But I am a sucky sleeper.  And when I am a sucky sleeper I get anxiety.  It just happens.  So the thing is when you add a baby who is a sucky sleeper on top of that sometimes it gets really bad.  The end of this week was an example of that.  Friday night left me in an anxiety attack which I am thankful to my husband for getting me through, but this meant I missed out on my normal life for the next day.  I missed soccer, I never miss soccer, but I did.

Through all this mess you better believe that I was praying.  I was praying for a solution to my anxieties, the Ben situation, and while they haven't done a 180 flip, they are improving.  And here is my proof that God was listening to all my crazy praying.

Yesterday, I listened to my one favorite band, The Rocket Summer, and these lyrics were sung.

And greatness isn't what you think...
It's not convincing people you don't fall apart. 
It's just loving and serving and being who you are.
And who you are is perfect.
You were made in an image of greatness."

I so needed those lyrics.  Because I was I kept thinking to myself. Why am I complaining?  I have what seems like the perfect life.  My husband is beyond awesome.  I have a roof over my head.  I am living my dream job. I love my kids.  I have a support system.  I just got awesome news about starting a ministry at church which is just so who I am (more about this later, I promise!).  And yet my heart was so heavy!! But hearing these lyrics sung, I fell apart.  I so needed to, and honestly it was the first time I felt peace.  God knew I needed to listen to those lyrics, he was listening to me, and loving me in my craziness.

And today, well today has been much better.  Maybe its because its a Sunday.  But if there was one more thing God could do to make me sure that it's going to be okay, he was going to do it.  We went to mass and did our wrangling of kiddos. One of which Keith was able to get to sleep during the whole mass and that helped a lot.  I just had one kid and N-1, where N is the number of kids you have, is such a true formula when it comes to defining the ease of child rearing.  After mass, an older couple came up to me and the husband said, "Ma'am I just wanted to tell you that you and your husband are doing a great job with your children. I know they are a handful, but they give us such joy to watch them and you really are doing a good job caring for them."  And wow did I want to cry. Because after a week like I had, I really just didn't feel like I was doing that great.  But God is smiling on me despite my own thoughts.  And all I can say is Thank-you God.  Thank-you for listening and loving me.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The best The Rocket Summer song ever

That you can dance around the kitchen to with your husband or kids and also is just such a sweet song about being in love.  It's called "I'm Doing Everything" and is off the Hello, Good Friend album if you want to find it.

It goes like this...

Do you ever do a thing or two just to wait?
When you don't have anything to say?
I'll try to take this slow, but I don't know...
Cause I don't wanna wait 
For time to look for the folks who try to say 
that we don't know until were old cause that's how it goes 
but I think I know oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And please pick me I'm a terrible mess
You know I just can't help it and I just gotta confess
You do what you do and I can't ever rest

So still I'm gonna do everything, I'm gonna make it right
I'm gonna make it good, I'm gonna do it alright
I'm gonna write it down, I'm gonna make a sound, sound, yeah

Cause I'm doing everything for you
Because I love to be near to you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you, oh
and I just can't take it anymore

Oh! Oh! You know I gotta know, yeah, oh no

So I'll be making up things for you to see
Like romantic lights surrounding Italy
Cause you deserve the very best, and I'll never rest
So I'll be sure to pass that test
And I just smile and say whoa cause you just gotta know
That every time we stay you never lose your way
It reaches to the stars shines up the clouds 
and lights up this whole world
Bless your heart you've made me happy again
It's been so long and I'm sick of pretending
You've enlightened the brain in my head

So still I'm gonna do everything, I'm gonna make it right
I'm gonna make it good, I'm gonna do it alright
I'm gonna write it down, I'm gonna make a sound, sound, yeah

Cause I'm doing everything for you
Because I love to be near to you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you, oh
and I just can't take it anymore

Cause I don't wanna wait for another day cause I can feel this is right
I don't wanna make this go on for too much longer
Cause you've got a ringless finger and I could go buy a ring right now
Well, actually I don't have any money but that's ok
Cause I can figure it out

Cause I'm doing everything for you
Because I love to be near to you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you, oh
and I just can't take it anymore