Wednesday, September 12, 2012

"I want, I want, I need, I need some peace of mind, some clarity..."

Do you ever get so focused on the end goal that you forget what's in front of you?  It's like the opposite of seeing the forest for the trees.  Instead one only sees the big green blob on the map instead of the beauty of the individual tree. I think that's part of the funk I'm in. 

One of my favorite things about who my husband is it that we have similar like minded goals in life.  I think however, for myself those goals are making me forget the awesomeness of the blessings I already have.  While I want to live on the edge when it comes to being ready to do what God asks.  I'm forgetting that these little people I have around me are people. They are beautiful awesome little people and I need to appreciate them more.  I need to see and appreciate my trees ya'll.

I'm bogged down in discipline, and drudgery of the daily life.  I'm frustrated that I haven't had time for myself.  I think part of my not being able to appreciate what I have is that I haven't had a chance to step back and look at it all.  To really see each person or thing for who or what it is. 

And ultimately a lot of my stress is because of child planning.  Child planning is hard ya'll, I'm about 99% of the way there at just leaving it up in the air and going with what God is going to give me.  Society tells me else wise.  It tells me I have to plan.  It tells me that I can't have more than 2 or 3 at the most.  But there's a catch to it.  God knows what I can handle.  So if its these two boys that I have and that's it, well I better be appreciating them and loving them for the crazy mess that they are. It doesn't matter what society throws down my throat but what God gives me as his blessings.

In the end, it doesn't matter today that one of them screamed at me all morning and peed on the floor twice in a row requiring two outfit changes, or that the other one is just refusing to take a morning nap anymore at almost 11 months.  These are people that God has in trusted me with and they may be all that I get and you know what I need to be okay with that.  

So I am hoping for some time to get away tomorrow and maybe more this weekend and just regroup and just get peace of mind that this is where I am at, and I can be happy. God loves me and he loves these little people that I am raising. 

The End.

1 comment:

  1. :(

    I'm often there too -- not seeing the trees. Life in the midst of motherhood is hard. Having little kids is hard. Although it doesn't get easy, the load will lighten as they get a little older. It will lighten even if you have more.

    And as for child planning. Of course it is hard. And it isn't required, but your going to get extra sanctification either through the hard work of NFP or the hard work of a lot of children, or the burden of wanting children you can't have. One way or another, life isn't easy, but you can have some say, at times, in choosing your "poison." NFP is hard for me and I hate the idea of family planning to some extent any way, therefore I have seven kids (even though I don't at all feel cut out to have a large horde).

    I'll keep you in my prayers.