But why? For the Pandemic

But why? For the Pandemic

By Kiera Kurak

Why can’t I play with my friends?

Why can’t I play on the slide?

Why can’t I give my grandma a hug? 

Why can’t I go to the store with you?

Why can’t we go to church?

Why do I have to wash my hands again?

Why can’t I go to the zoo? 

But why is this so hard?

Because it is hard,  little one. 

But you can do hard things. 

And in doing hard things you are showing your love for another.

Maybe you have never met them, 

But they are just as important to and loved by someone else as you are to me.

So, we spread love in our sidewalk messages.

And our window decorations.

And in our waves from across the street.

And by staying home doing our part with school and chores

and by playing with mom and dad.

We keep us and others safe this way. 

And it will be okay. God is bigger than this.

And he doesn’t forget us ever.

We will give hugs again soon. 

But right now it’s a lot of patience, waiting and praying, and you can do this. 

We can do this together, little one.

People Trees

While snuggling post bath, I asked Ephraim what he wanted to be when he grows up this evening.

In an Ephraim like fashion he answered, "I don't want to be anything. But I want to grow like a tree. Yes, I want to be an apple tree, with apples on me."

Ben in his literal way chimed in, "Ephraim, you know you can pretend to be a tree during the day." Because he was referring to this, 

which is a tree person I told them I saw while roaming the gardens of the Opryland Hotel in Nashville.

And so they are enthralled with the concept that you could really be a tree when you grow up.

Expectations are a peace killer

I went into today knowing I would be taking three kids to mass solo for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. I was even a bit grumpy about it, because it seemed unfair.  "Why should I have to take all of them myself?" I thought. I was creating a hard time for myself in my head even though it didn't exist yet in action. You see I have this expectation to myself that I have to have well behaved kids in mass.  I have had single 20 somethings or actually groups of adults move from sitting in front of us on me for my kids being loud to them aka kids.  We don't have a cry room though and for that I'm thankful. Now, I do remove them to the vestibule if they actually cry but normal babble, as much as we work on whisper voices, happens.
So today, today I did pack up some extra things I wouldn't normally have because mass was over lunch time, snacks and coloring sheets that were themed for today (bonus points right?). But still, I was up, down, left and right for a good portion of the mass besides the normal up and down that comes with the mass. Chew toys fell and little boys wandered and siblings blew raspberries at each other. Poor Helena who probably needed to be fed didn't, but she was a trooper and didn't complain.
At the end of mass, two women actually commented positively on my kids, which I wasn't expecting.  The one woman totally threw me off my game though.  She said she had four children of her own, and two of them were autistic. She then told me it made her so happy to hear my kids and their babble despite the normal expectation of people wanting kids to be quiet in mass.  She said because she knows what a gift it is to have children who can communicate, each time a kid ''talks" in mass she sees it as a blessing.
This stole my heart.
My pride before this had taken away my heart feeling like my kids needed to fit into a box, but I think Jesus had her speak to me today to destroy that expectation of my kids needing be silent always in mass.  I mean, realistically, how is that even possible with 3 kids under 5 years of age?
I remember a conversation with a twitter friend about cry rooms and a certain expectation, this exact one that I just described, having the kids be silent.  Its not real though, people are people and life happens. Jesus is there, he meets us there whether it be in the chaos of three small children or some other life situation. He is there.  While the ideal is certainly something to strive for, the journey is important to, and right now this where I am at, 3 small people at mass sometimes by myself. Letting go of the expectation of perfection at this point is the only way I am going to find peace, and I am going to try my best to be okay with that.

I hope we can agree

Every so often I have this nightmare that my family is being persecuted and my first thought is that we are going to be found out in our hiding because of the children. My children would never understand the need to be completely silent or not have their ever needmet ad they've come to expect. Every time I wake up in a panic. I always am so thankful that this is not my life and that God has spared me.

But then this whole Iraq thing has happened and it seems unfathomable. Large groups of families are being persecuted to death because they are something that I am. My fear is realized in other part of the world and my heart breaks.

Because while no person should every be killed or persecuted at all due to their faith, a special heart string breaks for the families that are in this situation today. I now get the vulnerability that comes with children of being a mother/parent, knowing that you would do anything for your child, but someone has decided that you aren't worth it, that by being something they are not you are inherently evil to them.

The children are so innocent and the babies, don't even get me started, they don't understand anything but love. To think someone would think their lives aren't worth it and behead them. I just can't even. So I'm shying away from the social media today and just praying for this all, that we on the outside can step in and free the persecuted, that there can be heroes from within who stand up to the evil.

And I know my perspective might be silly and an understatement, but I think we can all at least agree that children no matter whose they are should never be beheaded.

"But what we offer in love"

The Rocket Summer song has been stuck in my head lately, that goes, "the truth is nothing matters...but what we offer in love." I am one of the people that thinks that God gets through to them by sometimes putting a song in their head on repeat.  I mean the holy spirit can do any thing he wants, so why not this.

I've been so caught up lately with school stuff in my head.  Am I doing enough? Why can't my child learn the letter V?  Should I actually have a more structured lesson for my kids a day? I mean yeah, we do a butt load of crafts, because well I like art.  But I see something new and it makes me worry that I am not doing enough.  It probably didn't help to add to the matter that my husband wanted me to give him a homeschooling budget. I mean I really can't blame him he was being super practical about it, and well that's just who he is. He loves his structure and his numbers and everything having a place.  And I am thankful for him being so because our house would be a crap shoot without him. It's just that it started the worry process even more because it made me think, what should I do?  Should I get this gadget or that, or should I get a boxed set, or should I enroll them in this or that?  It really kind of spiraled out of control fast.

Today I asked for some sanity by venting to the lovely Jeanine, and well she gave it to me to me straight.  She asked point blank, do you think there is something different you should be doing with them?  And I said, probably not they are probably okay.  She reminded me of Charlotte Mason and that really trying to teach my children to have good habits at this age is more important that shoving information into them.  And so it should be.

It is hard sometimes to not let the super fast paced world get to you though.  With the curriculum of first grade moved into kindergarten, why wouldn't someone panic that a nearly 4yo should know his alphabet, since they are expected to read at 5 in the traditional schooling atmosphere. And I'm not saying that it's bad to know how to read at an earlier age.  It's just maybe not what should be my focus with my children.

I know when I look at what I want my children to become, I don't really care if they are a plumber or a rocket scientist or a pro-athlete or a priest.  God knows what they are to be and he's got that covered.  My job is to help them to love, to show compassion, to want to help others and to instill good habits that will actually help them to be able to learn what they need to learn to be well-functioning adults. And dangit, this is actually harder to me than learning the letter V, because the letter V will come, but those habits, those values, those are what stick.

I know I am not perfect at this at all.  I sometimes really lack compassion or graciousness with my children, but today was a reminder that maybe, just maybe, I can do this.  Because as I reflected in the shower, I remember my little ones, looking out of the McDonald's play land all wide eyed and wanting just that smile returned.  Ben even came out multiple times just to give me a hug because he tells me continuously these days that he likes me and he just likes being near me. So maybe they are learning love. I sure hope I am offering my love in return.

Blogging the day

Today was a better day than most, only a few minor bumps along the way.  A day I could relive and be okay with it.

It started with this:

From which we were able to do this, underbed dresser for the win! :

But then the packaging was left over:

So we did this:

And after it was broken, we turned it into this, aka little boy heaven:

But because the sun was shining in Cleveland in the winter we had to get outside and go for a walk like this:

And then even though Mr. Ben took forever to get outside, he didn't want to come in when the rest of us did because he wanted to do this:

And it all ended with a little bit of this: 

Not too shabby of a day overall. 

Chuff, Chuff

Yesterday, I was conversing with Ben and here is how it went:

Me: "Today 3 years ago, you decided that you wanted to start coming out of mama's belly and live in the world Ben."
Ben: "What was I doing in your belly, Mama?"
Me: "Well, you were in water, so you were probably going, 'Glug, glug, glug.'"
Ben: "No, Mama. I was chuffing."

My little boy, who more than half the time pretends he is a train and sometimes introduces himself as Thomas, turned three today.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Benjamin!  I love you, little choo-choo.

Little boys, trains they may be

Ben is constantly pretending that he is a train or a backhoe these days.  I asked him what his hands are when he is a train and he told me that one is for pulling cars, the other for pushing him.  I then tried to introduce him to the push-me-pull-you from Dr. Dolittle, but he didn't go for it and just went back to being "Thomas." I'll take my little "Thomas" for now.

Saint Story Guest Post: St. Gerard

Today I am guest posting over at Jenna's blog It's Just called Spicy, about my experience with St. Gerard.  It was actually a really liberating post to write because for a long time I felt very negatively about my 2nd son's birth, as things didn't go as planned.  However, as I look back at it all now, God was there and St. Gerard was interceding for me too!

Anyway, Jenna is doing a series on saints for the 40 days of Lent.  Be sure to check some of the other posts out.

Happy Saturday!

At the source, it just may be pride...

I feel like lately I'm running into roadblocks with choices our family is making or is thinking about making for the future.  I guess when you talk to folks you think about how you are similar to them because then you can band together.  But at the same time you are thankful that they aren't you and aren't the same because really how dull of a life would that be?

I was reading a study yesterday taken in 2011 about Catholic women and their views on contraception and whether or not the church had influence on them and what not.  From it the one thing that sticks in my mind from it is the factor on what influences when deciding to have a baby.  When I looked at it, for me the first few things that were most important were simply givens to me, because honestly I guess I am privileged to have that stability of marriage, finance and relationship.  Further down the list were mental health, something I definitely struggle with my anxiety, and what family or friends thought.

Sadly, I think sometimes I do care too much about what family or friends thing about my decisions because I want to be well liked.  I know honestly that I am a prideful person.  Really, its one of my hugest downfalls.  I hate being wrong, and I hate when someone tells me that I am wrong.  It's a struggle this pride of mine.  I pray for humility a lot.

The confessor that my husband and I both share, once told him that at the source of all sin is pride.  I see this more and more in my life as I am growing as a Catholic christian.  Because really why do we choose the wrong over the right, we don't want to look bad.  We want to be the best of the best. We want to think that that we are in control of it all. Hah!  And really one would think that over the past almost 30 years I would know this.  That I am not in control.  Repeat.  I am not in control.  And yet it is a struggle.  Somehow the sinful, prideful part of me wants to say "Yes, I am in control!" But I'm not.  And its a good thing that I am not, because if I had the role of God, well you know what? The Earth would not be here anymore is what I am saying.  We would have world wars 3, 4, and 5 within like 2 months and everyone would be left speaking the gibberish of Kiera speak if there were any people left.

So, what am I getting at? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But one thing I do know is that I definitely have to work on how I let my pride get in the way of making choices or justifying choices.  Both are so linked in my life its ridiculous.  However, I am going to try.  Because the church on Earth and Heaven are not full of little Kiera's mimicking each other, but instead are diverse and beautiful because of of their differences.  While we all belong to the same God, we are allowed the free will and have been given various gifts and talents and use them so differently.

I can't control how another person is going to react to my different choice. I can't live in fear of someone yelling at me for my crazy life family choices either. I won't be myself if I don't make that choice and own who I am, instead I would just get swept up into something I am not and be unhappy through it all.

So, did I make a point?

"I wanna be a big star, a king and rule my own life

And God, I know that it's wrong

So please just make my heart right inside and destroy my pride...

Please just tell me something good you got it

And why am I so misunderstood

'Cause I wanna know this

Come on baby and race me

And maybe we'll just find ourselves" -The Rocket Summer

Word block

Currently I feel like I have a word block.  I have a lot of things running around in my head but none of them have been transferred to the nets. So I will leave you with a photo from dinner last night.

And man is he ever growing up fast. Before I know it he will be 3 and no longer 2. Gah.

A little conversation ditty with Ben

Today on our walk over to one of neighbor's house a few streets over, Ben exclaimed to me: "Mama, I make a cross with my fingers. "
My response: "That's good Ben."
Ben continued: "Jesus is on the cross"
So I asked: "What's Jesus doing on the cross, Ben?"
Ben answered: "He's all messy."

Theology lesson for the day from a 2 year old.

Tea and Sympathy

As I write this blog post, an old Jars of Clay song came into my head, and thus the title.  It was probably due to the fact that I would love to sit down with someone for a cup of tea and just get some sympathy.   But life at the moment is too busy to afford it, maybe next week, who knows.

This should be otherwise known as the Ephraim story part 3.  The one where we find out that he's got all these allergies.  People tell me its because he's a fair skinned baby with red-head genes.  Maybe this is true, but man he has been a lot harder than Ben from the get-go.  If the 1-2 transition wasn't hard enough add on top of it his poor sleeping habits which cause me to be an insomniac half of the time.  It's a little insane but somehow I persevere, probably because most days I'm praying to God to get me through this day with only 4 hours of sleep and because he's God he does.  But anyway.  It's mean to compare children in how one is better than the other, because they aren't, they are just different.  And Ephraim well he's just different, during the day he's an angel, but at night he's a terror.  Ben was probably the opposite, but because I got my sleep I could handle it.  But God gave me Ben when he did because I needed to have a kid like him so that I could graduate and become Dr. Mom.  It's as simple as that.

So we add kid #2 into the picture and for the first 3-4 months he sleeps wonderfully, and then it just stops.  So for the last 2-3 months he hasn't slept consistently well at all.  Well before his 6 month check-up I started introducing a few foods because well I thought maybe this kid is hungry so maybe that's why he sucks at sleeping.  It kinda worked for like 2 days, but that was it.  So I backed off on the foods, but every so often I would give him a taste of this or that.  And then the banana reaction happened.  I mashed some up and gave it to him and he immediately broke out.  And so I was like hmm, seems like he's allergic, I did my research and then at his 6-month check-up had him tested.  But also at the same time they did the full food allergy test.  And in this they backed up the banana, avocado, kiwi, latex allergy, but also found a milk allergy.

A milk allergy.  Yep.  Dairy free for me. And the thing is that apparently we use milk in a lot of things.  I have a lactose sensitivity so I already had cut out cow's milk for almond milk but to cut out cheese and yogurt and the occasional dish of ice cream.  Well the first 2 were and are hard.  I guess cheese is the really kicker, because I like cheesy things.  I like my lasagna and my sandwiches with cheese and my cheesy mexican.  And really I realized that I rely on dairy for my protein, the substitutes minus soy don't have much.  So eggs it is, right folks?  Good thing I like hard boiled eggs right?

So I guess also in this that I could have turned a different route, I could have saved myself and just put him on formula.  This in someways would be easier, I guess.  But the kid will not and has not taken a bottle, and I kind of like it this way.  It's easier on me, and oddly enough I don't feel too tied down because of it. I've actually gotten out of the house way more than I ever did with Ben, probably because I don't have a paper to write but anyway. So since the nursing itself is going well why stop a good thing?  And then the middle of the night wake-ups.  I would much rather be half awake for those than fully awake.  And then the whole getting him to take a bottle would be pure torture, since he refuses already.  He would probably be put on a soy formula and that doesn't work for me because I'm not a fan of soy and the effects it does with mimicking estrogen. So we shall continue to nurse, just dairy-free.

Well, I guess I'm not too much upset, but really its a pain in the butt to be off dairy. Then again God gave me Ephraim because he knew I would be the mama for him.  Somehow I just have to to figure out how to be a good dairy free one.  Thanks internet for being my tea and sympathy audience.  Or rather oatmeal and sympathy, since that's what I'm currently eating.

newly born

Today I got to meet my friends 2+ week old daughter. She was absolutely precious. I am always amazed at how tiny a newborn is, though I know they have to be that small, it still amazes me. God is amazing that he creates life, and then its just the perfect tiny size when it comes out of the womb and then it can become huge like me. I'm 5'10"ish btw.

It seems that in the past 1.5 years I have gotten to see at least 5 newborns, and all of them have been absolutely gorgeous. I really don't think that God can make an ugly baby, and even if he did, the baby would still be cute to someone.

So if you are wondering, the desires still there to have children, and that means more than one. And each day I get more and more ok with God's timing for when I will have a child. I guess sometimes, I just get a little angry at the folks who don't give life a chance and then at the first moment they do they concieve. But maybe they need it as a wake-up call that God wants to be present in their lives making them more holy and closer to heaven by having children. At the same time I think that God wants me to be patient in not having children right now, and to learn to grow closer to him through this.

Honestly if I think about it, I prayed for what seemed forever for my now husband Keith to come along. And God didn't just throw the first guy at me to be my husband but gave me someone who I cannot imagine what life was like before I met him. He is so much more than who I thought I would end up with. God had him picked out and the right timing and everything.

So I know that God is doing just that with the blessing of children. I think right now he is teaching me patience, and also increasing my desire because at one point in my life I didn't want children at all. But now I know I am learning who I am, and who I want to be, as a mother. Because as a woman I am automatically a mother, a mother spritually, in my presence with everyone I come in contact with. So each day I learn, and I grow. Both in my desire for God and my desire for holiness through parenthood.

:)