Friday, February 1, 2013

At the source, it just may be pride...

I feel like lately I'm running into roadblocks with choices our family is making or is thinking about making for the future.  I guess when you talk to folks you think about how you are similar to them because then you can band together.  But at the same time you are thankful that they aren't you and aren't the same because really how dull of a life would that be?

I was reading a study yesterday taken in 2011 about Catholic women and their views on contraception and whether or not the church had influence on them and what not.  From it the one thing that sticks in my mind from it is the factor on what influences when deciding to have a baby.  When I looked at it, for me the first few things that were most important were simply givens to me, because honestly I guess I am privileged to have that stability of marriage, finance and relationship.  Further down the list were mental health, something I definitely struggle with my anxiety, and what family or friends thought.

Sadly, I think sometimes I do care too much about what family or friends thing about my decisions because I want to be well liked.  I know honestly that I am a prideful person.  Really, its one of my hugest downfalls.  I hate being wrong, and I hate when someone tells me that I am wrong.  It's a struggle this pride of mine.  I pray for humility a lot.

The confessor that my husband and I both share, once told him that at the source of all sin is pride.  I see this more and more in my life as I am growing as a Catholic christian.  Because really why do we choose the wrong over the right, we don't want to look bad.  We want to be the best of the best. We want to think that that we are in control of it all. Hah!  And really one would think that over the past almost 30 years I would know this.  That I am not in control.  Repeat.  I am not in control.  And yet it is a struggle.  Somehow the sinful, prideful part of me wants to say "Yes, I am in control!" But I'm not.  And its a good thing that I am not, because if I had the role of God, well you know what? The Earth would not be here anymore is what I am saying.  We would have world wars 3, 4, and 5 within like 2 months and everyone would be left speaking the gibberish of Kiera speak if there were any people left.

So, what am I getting at? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But one thing I do know is that I definitely have to work on how I let my pride get in the way of making choices or justifying choices.  Both are so linked in my life its ridiculous.  However, I am going to try.  Because the church on Earth and Heaven are not full of little Kiera's mimicking each other, but instead are diverse and beautiful because of of their differences.  While we all belong to the same God, we are allowed the free will and have been given various gifts and talents and use them so differently.

I can't control how another person is going to react to my different choice. I can't live in fear of someone yelling at me for my crazy life family choices either. I won't be myself if I don't make that choice and own who I am, instead I would just get swept up into something I am not and be unhappy through it all.

So, did I make a point?

"I wanna be a big star, a king and rule my own life
And God, I know that it's wrong
So please just make my heart right inside and destroy my pride...

Please just tell me something good you got it
And why am I so misunderstood
'Cause I wanna know this
Come on baby and race me
And maybe we'll just find ourselves" -The Rocket Summer

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