But why? For the Pandemic

But why? For the Pandemic

By Kiera Kurak

Why can’t I play with my friends?

Why can’t I play on the slide?

Why can’t I give my grandma a hug? 

Why can’t I go to the store with you?

Why can’t we go to church?

Why do I have to wash my hands again?

Why can’t I go to the zoo? 

But why is this so hard?

Because it is hard,  little one. 

But you can do hard things. 

And in doing hard things you are showing your love for another.

Maybe you have never met them, 

But they are just as important to and loved by someone else as you are to me.

So, we spread love in our sidewalk messages.

And our window decorations.

And in our waves from across the street.

And by staying home doing our part with school and chores

and by playing with mom and dad.

We keep us and others safe this way. 

And it will be okay. God is bigger than this.

And he doesn’t forget us ever.

We will give hugs again soon. 

But right now it’s a lot of patience, waiting and praying, and you can do this. 

We can do this together, little one.

What I learned from the movie Inside Out

I think I have always struggled with letting go of something.  I think that for me letting go meant that I was giving up hope and when I gave up hope that was dark and not good and I didn't want to be that way.  At the same time, I think that me not wanting to give up has helped me to persevere through many a things and learn so much in the process that if I had given up, it just wouldn't have been the same.

When I watched the Disney film Inside Out the other day, some interesting thoughts came to mind. And I think that maybe what I got out of the movie was the point of it all, maybe, or at least for me it was. It was that its okay to be sad about something.  To truly be sad for something that you miss or didn't have turn out the way you thought it would.  Because its only in that sadness that we can let go of the notion that it was meant to always be that way or that what you were given was just totally different than what you needed or wanted. To realize that its never going to be that way again, or be what you intended should make you sad.  You shouldn't have to pretend that you are happy when you are not. To let yourself truly feel what you need to feel, in a non-harmful way, is incredibly healthy.

And I realize that this is where I need to grow. I struggle to feel sadness about something and in some ways it holds me back from letting go, and from making that forward motion. I get that now.  Last year, I struggled with this so much, but I couldn't see why I couldn't do it.  I just knew I couldn't.  I struggled to really grieve and I wanted to live in the false reality that everything was okay when it wasn't.  It clearly wasn't.

So, once again, a children's film strikes me again with a bit of wisdom that I needed, and for that I'm thankful. It's an odd thing to work on, learning how to grieve, but you see for so long I didn't for so many things that I need this.  And so I'm okay to be in the sadness, the sadness is good for me.

Influence and owning my choices

I've been working on the concept of owning my choices in my life. I unfortunately have been not good at this in the past and instead tend to fear judgment of someone not agreeing with me, how crazy is that? Probably not so much, but if it leads to a life of fear that's not good, not good at all.

Being Catholic for over 8 years now!!!, it's always interesting when I come into contact with someone from my past who doesn't know that, and then to actually know that maybe their example was a precursor to my Catholicism.

I went to a Southern Baptist college for my undergrad degree. They were very Baptist in many ways, and I thank them for that, but they also were shockingly open to having Catholics and more liturgically based denominations in their faculty. I grew up Presbyterian, and liturgy want foreign to me, but the Presbyterians were becoming less so and in my college years I was too. I joined the ranks of the non denom movement and enjoyed it but it left many questions and I didn't know that becoming Catholic would satisfy a great deal of those and open more avenues to truth but it did.

I feel like I'm digressing though, so to pull it back together, I need to tell you that I went to wedding of a good friend that I met during my college years. She is an amazing woman and I'm so happy that she was able to find an amazing guy to spend her life with in marriage. At this wedding, there were a few blasts from the past. One of them being a key player for me in my faith life. First I went to a small school so we had many encounters with professors families and their family life in a good way. This particular professor was the first person I encountered who was a providentialist and really open about his faith and acceptance of children. I had grown up one of four children and honestly 4 children seemed like such a huge number growing up because rarely anyone I knew had more than one sibling maybe two. But to be okay with 6+ children and be open to whatever God  gave you, that was radical. And honestly at the time I didn't get it, not one bit. But seeds, seeds of understanding were being planted despite of me.

This particular professor also was one of the first people to put science and religion together in a way that they were harmonious with each other. There were others who did this in little ways, but this particular person set the precedence for what came to be my understanding of natural law. That no longer did my love of science have to fight with my faith but they could go together, and I'm truly thankful for that.

So many times we wonder how God's grace is working in our lives and we question and we despair even maybe. But then things like this, they help, they help to see that you really aren't alone. That God does have your back every step of the way and for that I say thank-you. Thank-you, Jesus. And as for owning these things, well I want afraid to say to this person who I was now and what I did. This is progress, definitely progress.

I hope we can agree

Every so often I have this nightmare that my family is being persecuted and my first thought is that we are going to be found out in our hiding because of the children. My children would never understand the need to be completely silent or not have their ever needmet ad they've come to expect. Every time I wake up in a panic. I always am so thankful that this is not my life and that God has spared me.

But then this whole Iraq thing has happened and it seems unfathomable. Large groups of families are being persecuted to death because they are something that I am. My fear is realized in other part of the world and my heart breaks.

Because while no person should every be killed or persecuted at all due to their faith, a special heart string breaks for the families that are in this situation today. I now get the vulnerability that comes with children of being a mother/parent, knowing that you would do anything for your child, but someone has decided that you aren't worth it, that by being something they are not you are inherently evil to them.

The children are so innocent and the babies, don't even get me started, they don't understand anything but love. To think someone would think their lives aren't worth it and behead them. I just can't even. So I'm shying away from the social media today and just praying for this all, that we on the outside can step in and free the persecuted, that there can be heroes from within who stand up to the evil.

And I know my perspective might be silly and an understatement, but I think we can all at least agree that children no matter whose they are should never be beheaded.

What I Wore Sunday, post vacation issue.

Hi all!  I feel like its been a while since I have blogged.  We were on vacation all last week, and while I had access to the internets, I kind of ignored them for the most part.  It was good for the soul. We were in various parts of Nashville for the week visiting friends and family, but now life must return to normal.

I learned a lot during the trip that I think helped me in my Lenten practices, the no complaining thing definitely made me try to have a better time with the crazy things that come with uprooting a 3yo and a 1 yo for a week. But we made it through and actually enjoyed ourselves, that it made it hard to come back to 30 degree weather after leaving 75 degrees.

And since we are back to normal, its time once again for post mass WIWS!  Though I credit this week for most of my clothes being in the wash after traveling, so had to scour the closets for something to wear.  Usually, this outfit would be a pregnancy one, but I did buy it in the non maternity section, so I figured what the hey.  It's not my favorite, but it was clean, and that worked for me.

Tunic: H&M

Undershirt: Halftees

Pants: Target

Shoes: Dansko

And to show my St. Patrick's spirit, I added some green socks! 

Check out some more outfits at Fine Linen and Purple. 

What I wore Sunday, volume I forget what volume it is

Another Sunday, another WIWS post:

Here's the outfit:

Necklace: Target

Sweater: Old Navy on sale for $7.

Black Undershirt: Halftees!

Pants: Target

Shoes: Dansko

I was inspired by all the color popping people had in the last few WIWS posts. My toddler picked it out  saying he liked it over the gray tunic I was going to wear.  Kids love bright colors.  

Not much formulated thoughts today to share.  I hope you have a brilliant Sunday!

Check out more Sunday attire at Fine Linen and Purple.

WIWS, 2nd Sunday of Lent

I am linking up today at the WIWS link-up hosted by Fine Linen and Purple.  Today is a busy day for us, but I wanted to stop and do a quick post.  In a lenten reflection mode, I've been learning a lot about the concept of love this lent.  And last night, I learned a little more about love.  I think its easier to love certain people in your circles, whether it be family or friends or co-workers, than others, and this is especially hard for me because I tend to want to help fix everyone's problems and sometimes (most of the time usually), yo, you can't do that.  Because people are people and have to figure it out for themselves, they can't be forced.  The problem is that sometimes I get really down seeing the person as the problem, because to me its so blatantly obvious.  But really, thats the plank in the eye parable, right? Anyway, I'm trying to work on loving these folks better, because otherwise I feel like I'm a downer, seeing these folks as problems instead of people. What are you learning this lent?

And now for the church attire:

Pondering the homily, hah! My children were super unruly today, so, I think maybe I heard 15% of it.

Clothing Details:

Dress: Old Navy ( I always wanted a maxi dress, and now I have one!)

Shirt: Halftees!  Fine Linen and Purple did a post on these guys a while back and they are everything they say they are!

Belt: Amazon, as to actual retailer, I forget, it was a Christmas present. :)

Shoes: Target (My new staple boot!)

Necklace: from childhood, close up seen here. 

And now I try to yank out my stair railing.

And this pose is just because my husband continued to take pictures.

Check out some more outfits and maybe some Lenten reflections at the Fine Linen and Purple link-up. 

Caught Day 2

I want to say more, but I'm not sure where to go with it.  So, I will just say the one thing that has stuck out to me today.  And that is about childlike trust in God.  I feel like I am always struggling with this.  But today the simplest example stuck out to me.  We worry as mamas about our kids doing silly things that cause them to get in harms way. One of those things is how at the top of any stairs, if I am a bit lower than Ephraim, he expects to be caught.  True childlike trust is here.  And the thing is that I am human, sometimes I can't catch him as my hands are full, and sometimes I'm not looking.  But with God, he never turns his back and he will always catch me.  And so today I am caught, by grace, by love, by God.

What I Wore Sunday, Vigil on Saturday edition

It's that time of week again.  Today we actually headed to the aquarium, but last night we were at church for mass. So here is the What I Wore Sunday,Vigil on Saturday edition. 

First of all when you see this outfit, I just have to say that I feel like I am wearing what folks stereotype as the evangelical homeschooling mom. If I've offended anyone by saying that sorry.  Honestly, it was comfy and I would totally wear it again.

So here are the deets on the outfit: 

Necklace: gift from my mama

Undershirt: American Apparel (I think this is a common underpiece in my wardrobe)

Sweater: Old Navy

Skirt: Old Navy but I got it through a clothing swap

Leggings: hidden under the skirt, Macy's

Shoes: Target, You can't see them here but will be able to below.

And now for a funky pose with a better view of my shoes.

And now for a random occurrence, well not that random, but random that we won.  As it was World Marriage week? day?, our parish gave flowers to the couples married the shortest amount of time and to those married the longest amount of time.  We oddly won the shortest amount of time at just under 6 years.  There was however a three way tie for the longest amount of time at 58 years.  Can you tell we went to the vigil mass full of older folks?  Maybe vigil masses aren't like this everywhere but in our area they tend to be so.  We went Saturday though because family plans that are work schedule dependent made us have to do something Sunday am.  Though I'm glad to have the option to go to mass on the vigil, the former protestant in me thinks its odd to not go on Sunday.  Anyway, enough about mass schedules.  Go check out some more excellent mass attire at the linkup with Fine Linen and Purple!
Peace ya'll!

Lent 2013

Sometimes its hard to think of things to do for Lent and sometimes its hard to think of a focus at least for me it is, this year it just came to me (Holy Spirit FTW!). Normally, on top of the normal Catholic fasting and abstinence, I try to follow the Pray, Fast, Give mantra.  I think Busted Halo suggested it to me and since then I've tried to think of Lent in that way.  I'm sure there are other ways to go about Lent, but this works for me.  So here is what I am up to this Lent:

Pray- I am going to do the Love Dare Devotion and pray for my husband.  It's not that I feel like I am a bad wife, I just know I could be better and appreciate and love my husband way better than I do, and I am hoping this time of lent will help me do that.

Fast- From negativity/complaining.  I tend to do this a lot, especially around certain people.  I just hope I can really do it.  If not the charity for #3 will get more of my money. I also want to fast from evening TV, just because I feel like I should do something else better with my time.

Give - Everytime I do complain, I will give a dollar to a marriage building charity (to be named if you have suggestions for this let me know).  And half of my monthly personal money will go to this at the end of Lent.  I also want to give away some more clothing, maybe do a clothing swap again and then donate the end means.

So what are your Lenten plans?

What I Wore Sunday, Cabin Fever edition

Today was the first time I had gotten out of the house since Thursday and really in 7 days I had been out of the house a whole 2 of them.  It's crazy, either we were struck down with the Norwalk virus, aka the winter stomach bug or it was snowing like crazy and just not good conditions to venture out in.  So this Sunday, while 2 of the four of us stayed home, because for some reason Ben is spiking another fever, Ephraim and I did make it to mass.  And while he was a tired baby for most of it making him a fussy baby/toddler.  He did allow for lots of extra cuddles during mass too, and I never get tired of baby cuddles.

So here is the outfit:

Necklace: Target

Sweater: I don't remember since its been in my wardrobe forever.

Shirt: (the blue green one you can barely see)it's Faded Glory, so is that Kmart?

Undershirt: (the grey one that seems to be longer than the actual shirt) Undercover Mama

Skinny Jeans: JC Penney

Boots: Target

And this is me wondering if my husband is actually taking a picture or not, he's kind of a silent photographer which makes adds to my craziness. 

Check out some more Sunday outfits at Fine Linen and Purple!

At the source, it just may be pride...

I feel like lately I'm running into roadblocks with choices our family is making or is thinking about making for the future.  I guess when you talk to folks you think about how you are similar to them because then you can band together.  But at the same time you are thankful that they aren't you and aren't the same because really how dull of a life would that be?

I was reading a study yesterday taken in 2011 about Catholic women and their views on contraception and whether or not the church had influence on them and what not.  From it the one thing that sticks in my mind from it is the factor on what influences when deciding to have a baby.  When I looked at it, for me the first few things that were most important were simply givens to me, because honestly I guess I am privileged to have that stability of marriage, finance and relationship.  Further down the list were mental health, something I definitely struggle with my anxiety, and what family or friends thought.

Sadly, I think sometimes I do care too much about what family or friends thing about my decisions because I want to be well liked.  I know honestly that I am a prideful person.  Really, its one of my hugest downfalls.  I hate being wrong, and I hate when someone tells me that I am wrong.  It's a struggle this pride of mine.  I pray for humility a lot.

The confessor that my husband and I both share, once told him that at the source of all sin is pride.  I see this more and more in my life as I am growing as a Catholic christian.  Because really why do we choose the wrong over the right, we don't want to look bad.  We want to be the best of the best. We want to think that that we are in control of it all. Hah!  And really one would think that over the past almost 30 years I would know this.  That I am not in control.  Repeat.  I am not in control.  And yet it is a struggle.  Somehow the sinful, prideful part of me wants to say "Yes, I am in control!" But I'm not.  And its a good thing that I am not, because if I had the role of God, well you know what? The Earth would not be here anymore is what I am saying.  We would have world wars 3, 4, and 5 within like 2 months and everyone would be left speaking the gibberish of Kiera speak if there were any people left.

So, what am I getting at? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But one thing I do know is that I definitely have to work on how I let my pride get in the way of making choices or justifying choices.  Both are so linked in my life its ridiculous.  However, I am going to try.  Because the church on Earth and Heaven are not full of little Kiera's mimicking each other, but instead are diverse and beautiful because of of their differences.  While we all belong to the same God, we are allowed the free will and have been given various gifts and talents and use them so differently.

I can't control how another person is going to react to my different choice. I can't live in fear of someone yelling at me for my crazy life family choices either. I won't be myself if I don't make that choice and own who I am, instead I would just get swept up into something I am not and be unhappy through it all.

So, did I make a point?

"I wanna be a big star, a king and rule my own life

And God, I know that it's wrong

So please just make my heart right inside and destroy my pride...

Please just tell me something good you got it

And why am I so misunderstood

'Cause I wanna know this

Come on baby and race me

And maybe we'll just find ourselves" -The Rocket Summer

The melancholic child

Dude, I hate that I say that Ephraim is a hard baby, this doesn't make him a bad child.  But yes for me he has been a hard baby.  We just differ in who we are and its been a learning curve over the last 15 months.  I've learned through the book The Temperament that God Gave Your Children that I am of the choleric temperament, while Ephraim is of the melancholic temperament. It's not that melancholic is hard in itself.  It's just another temperament after all.  But its weird because my first kid had the same temperament as me we just gelled a little more.  I could push him where he needed to be pushed and such.  Ephraim just has his own timing, and cannot be pushed.  This comes in play with things like being away from mama, or needing to be nursed still in certain situations, or pinning down a bedtime.

I think though its good that I'm learning this point of information about him though (that sounds so scientist-like to say, weird).  I hope to be more understanding of who he is as a person because of it.  I hope that he and I can fight each other less and maybe when he's a teenager he won't crawl in a hole and never come out because he's become so isolated and introverted from me pushing him too much.

It's a hard thing to not be able to parent the same for each child, but then again if we were all the same life would be so boring.

What I Wore Sunday, the it's freezing outside edition.

It's time for another...

It was super cold this Sunday, so the object today was to dress warmly in layers! It seriously dropped about 30 degrees in less than 24 hours.  Yesterday a coat wasn't necessary but today I wanted at least 2 of them on me with the cold, cold wind outside!

So here is the outfit:

The outfit

Crazy Hair: due to wearing a hat

Necklace: no idea!

Sweater: from a clothing swap, originally from Gap

Undershirt: American apparel but probably from Marshall's since I don't think I've ever shopped at an actual American apparel store.

Skirt: my mom gave it to me as a skirt to get through pregnancies, but apparently I wear it outside of its intended use, its super comfy and warm on these super cold days. 

Tights: Sam's Club, you can't see them but they were needed with the cold day in the layering process

Boots: Target 

And here are the munchkins and I leaving mass, my husband took this picture as a Four Square checkin marking, I liked the picture so I thought I would share.  The kiddos are getting so big!  I feel like we are in a weird transitional phase with family where we now have two toddlers instead of a baby anymore. Though one toddler is in the constant destructo phase and the other yelling at him for destroying everything.  Oh life is interesting at least everyday.

Check out more fashionable mass outfits at Fine Linen and Purple. 

Thoughts about where I am

Gah. I hate opening my heart on the internet, because I never know how its going to be taken.  I mean I blog, so I should be used to it. I've been holding out a lot lately, but if you read my resolutions for 2013, one of them was to own who I am.  And if I forgot to post that particular resolution, well I am following it anyway.

So really 2012 was filled with learning about me, in ways I must have crumpled into a ball and just shoved into a corner for a long time.  My shortcomings and fears and anxieties came out.  I spent the year feeling incompetent, wanting to scream and fearing that I would never sleep well again.

A lot of these things came from being a parent of 2 kiddos under 3.  It's just hard man, and I just have to admit it.  Figuring out naps and bedtime was a big challenge and then shutting my brain off to actually sleep was even more of a challenge.  Because for me when I don't sleep well, which happened a lot this past year because of giving birth to a rough sleeper in late 2011, I get more and more anxious about my lack of sleep.

And then on top of that, a lot of thoughts were taken into account of what to do with child spacing during the latter half of the year.  I wanted to trust God more than I think I was willing to do.  Though I tell myself that I am better off that I don't do anything against God's will like contracepting, but I'm still a sinner and even with NFP I don't trust him enough to know that he will take care of me and knows what I can handle. I need to do more trusting, another resolution for 2013.

So basically the last few months have been a trying time of learning to trust God more. I get fearful of what the world is and the crazy powerful people out there, or just care too much about what people think about my life decisions.  I know I shouldn't care. I mean I'm trying my best and trying to make the best decisions for my family, but its still hard.

I also fear the unknown, I hate the weaning process, because I sometimes feel like there is no end in sight and this time around I haven't done anything to actively wean my baby, but he's still doing it.  The hormones are still driving me crazy, I feel like a ball of rage sometimes, and other times a rude comment can send me to tears, as what happened today at a store.

Currently, I'm trying to trust God more.  I try to repeat as much I remember to do so, "Sacred Heart of Jesus," I put my trust in thee. But also just the realization the good always has to trump evil is helping me, in that God is always in control and if I do try my best to trust I will know that.  I also keep trying to pray for help in my unbelief, that I may believe, and not worry or be anxious.

But this is the place where I am.  One day at a time though, right?

“Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.” - St. Padre Pio

What I wore Sunday, Baptism of the Lord edition

Hi all.  Well the snow has melted, and we had a fabulous weekend outdoors with family.  The snow is scheduled to make its return again this week, but the break from the cold was welcomed.  But now for WIWS.

Here's the outfit.

Shoes: Target.com

Pants: JC Penney

Tunic: Clothing Swap

Turtleneck: Target

Necklace: Target

So first letting just say the world is going to end because I broke some one of my rules for mass get-up with this outfit.  I wore jeans.  And not only that skinny jeans. I have long tried to not buy into the skinny jeans phenomena, but I guess I finally gave in when my husband was buying the boy equivalent of them last time when we went mall shopping. Maybe we really are hipsters after all.  But since all hipsters are supposed to be Catholic one day, I think this is maybe okay?

And now for a pose of what really goes on in mass, the wrangling of toddlers.

But he makes up for it with allowing me to give him sweet kisses.

Check out some more mass attire at Fine Linen and Purple. 

What I Wore Sunday, Epiphany Edition

Happy Epiphany!!

BAM!

Coming at you for another post of: 

So here is the outfit: 

Necklace: I found in my childhood jewelry stash, no idea where it came from

Shirt: Target

Sweater: JC Penney

Skirt: H&M 

Tights: Brown

Shoes: Sanita

Here's a close up of the necklace that I pulled out of the past:

And then after mass we made a snowman:

Check out some more fun Sunday outfits at Fine Linen and Purple. 

A post Lent recap

As I sit here hoping the baby stays asleep upstairs, I will try to do a quick reflection on lent 2012.  So this lent, I gave up social media, which was really hard.  But on top of that I added in reading a chapter of the Bible a day and we tried to pray at the local abortion clinic weekly for the 40 days for Life campaign.

So what did I learn?

First, the original reason I gave up social media was that it was a time sucker.  And this is very true for me.  So what did I do with this time?  Well I read a lot of books and called friends and tried to be more present to my kids.  But I think what I learned mostly from my giving it up is that there is a fine line between using it for connecting to people and craving the attention that people give one on it.  I can easily fall into the attention craving bit so post lent, as I return to social media I am going to work on this.  To really enjoy the conversations but keep a good balance and check to see where my thoughts are going with it.

Second, reading the Bible daily is a good thing, and a habit I want to keep up.  So I'm continuing this and am thankful for Lent to be able to get a good thing going.

Third, praying in front of an abortion clinic is hard with 2 kids 2 and under.  Either the baby was sick or it was too cold or snowing.  But our whole family did get there twice and Keith was able to go every week. The times we did go as everyone were good.  One of those was on St. Patrick's Day where the people were out in massive numbers shouting drunken insults and such.  However, despite the few insults, we had many more honks and thumbs ups.  It kind of makes one think just maybe this nation of ours is becoming more pro-life.

And that's a wrap.  How was lent for you?  I'd love to hear about your experiences.
Cheers!

In my quest to love more

It's amazing when you interact with someone for so long but you don't really know there story and then when you do finally learn it, it floors you. Because that person seems so put together and yet they had to go through so much.  Old me would have judged this person from the start, but present me is working on that.  So I took this person at face value and tried to love them despite some of their quirks that made me a little crazy-like.  And I'm glad I did, because underneath was a beautiful story of an amazing person and I am glad to have know this person.  Unfortunately, she is moving away due to her husband's job, but I pray that the move goes well and her life from her on out is a beautiful grace filled one.