Nothing is Secular

After reading Graham Greene's The Power and the Glory, I am finding myself pondering the idea of things considered to be secular. What is something that is secular really anyway?  Google says its "denoting attitudes, activities, or other things that have no religious or spiritual basis." So, now we have a definition.  But then is really anything secular?  Is there anything completely void of God, if God is the creator of all? 

I'm reminded of a conversion story of an artist that found God through his paint.  I think by definition of the world, paint would not be religious and yet it led to God. And perhaps its because its a tool that it can be used for both things that bring us closer to God and things that perhaps distract us from him.  However, I think in all of it God is still in the paint.

On another point, I've often thought of the example of two priests coming upon a prostitute and one priest shielding his eyes from the occasion of sin and the other in abject weeping over the soul in the over sexualized get up.  Neither reaction is wrong. One simply is perhaps able to comprehend more, or perhaps is a little further along in his walk with Jesus to be able to look outside himself and see another hurting. 

I wonder if this how we are with things that are viewed as Christian versus those that are secular.  Perhaps there are times that we need the bubble and protection of the Christian cultured things.  Perhaps we are still learning to sit up right in our Christianity and we need to feel protected in it.  Outside it, the world seems scary. We can't make sense of it, and perhaps we just don't want to right now or just aren't able to do so.  

And then maybe someday we venture out and start to crawl a little bit and see God in our fallen humanity, and then we keep digging deeper and find God in the crevices that no one else wants to touch and find them redeemable and find that God doesn't just live inside the deemed Christian walls, but is in the low of the low in society's perception and wants them to be loved just the same as you or the pope. 

Tiddilly bump

I've been thinking about this quote by C.S. Lewis that I saw the other day:

“We must picture hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives with the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance, and resentment.” - taken from the Screwtape Letters

It's making me think that perhaps I need to listen more and shout less. At times, I feel like perhaps we want to be know, hello social media, and for me I like to be right a lot. But maybe its okay not to be.

I just finished a biography on Pope Francis, and I like him as a pope, I mean I did before this book, but I think I understand him more now. I do think he's a bit crazy in perhaps his ways of doing things, because he doesn't want to be in the spotlight, but he's in a position where he is all the time, and I think he forgets that often.  But perhaps, its good for us to remember that he's a person too.  In the biography that I read, it said that he was who he was because of the mercy of God.  He has always had a huge heart for the poor and being that he's from a country that had a lot of upheaval and really crazy things happen under their governments it makes more and more sense. He saw daily how much people were marginalized and not seen as humans and just murdered senselessly. Think of Syria now, and that was a lot of what happened. 

Anyway, I think you either love or hate this current pope of ours, or perhaps you are indifferent. But I kind of like him. I think his heart is there. I think he's reforming some things that need to be reformed for the church to be a better version of itself.  I think he's teaching us that we aren't better than our neighbor. Perhaps the pope's maybe not making sense to us all the time, but I hope that God's grace will shine through it all. God's got this, so lets be his instruments. 

Divine Mercy

This year has been all about mercy.  I mean it was declared the Year of Mercy by the Pope, there was a book on Divine Mercy that two lovely ladies put out that is a must read that I got a chance to check out earlier this year. And then there was the constant reminders whether in penance or spiritual direction to carry out mercy. That hasn't been a bad thing either. Mercy is an awesome thing. So when Divine Mercy Sunday came around and a friend recommended seeing the film The Original Image of Divine Mercy, I have it a second thought and ultimately went for it dragging my husband along to see it.  The history in the movie was really good, the subtitling could use some spell check and we could have done without the celebrities or at least let them really speak, but overall it was a good story to watch. I especially liked that you could see how in it Jesus and his mercy could not die, despite human efforts to do so, the hope of Jesus lived on even if by a small number of people.  That was a pretty powerful thing to watch. 

The whole time I was watching the movie, in the back of my mind I was contemplating what divine mercy really was. You see, I struggle with things like pure definitions and hardly ever accept them as is.  I mean I've spent hours trying to understand grace, I think I have it to something I understand, but I still think about it at times. Mercy is no different.  I think partially it may be because of my upbringing and there being different vocabulary for things.  I began to think about why mercy is so hard for my head to wrap around, and I came to conclude that its because its so vast, and while we carry out our little part, God's part in it so big it maybe isn't something we can put in words. In my feeble words it would be to be forgiven when we don't deserve it. Perhaps a free pass. 

And then it made contemplate what this would be in my upbringing, my protestant one.  Because while not having divine mercy, the all encompassing thing, there is a sense of mercy.  And to me that would come in when a person has that first come to Jesus moment, because there is that belief that once Jesus comes in to your life that all your sins are forgiven. So in turn this would for sure be a moment of mercy.  The difference then between Catholic theology and the protestant theology is that for Catholics, this isn't a one time deal.  We at least should recognize that we are in constant need of God's mercy, because we are that much infiltrated by our human weaknesses that causes us to screw up and sin. 

So its not that protestants don't have mercy in their vocabulary, they do.  Its just that its viewed differently.  And I think one of the really appealing things to me about Catholicism and perhaps one of there reasons it makes people feel uncomfortable, is that we understand that it is a constant battle between grace and pride. And that when that pride wins we need to run to the arms of Jesus over and over to receive that mercy and start anew. I remember in converting that protestants were worried about me becoming a bad Christian in being Catholic, and to that I say if relying on and recognizing the need of God's infinite mercy is being a bad Christian, then I am guilty.

Suckerpunched

Right now I am feeling sucker punched by anxiety. Things that were becoming easy no longer are. It sucks. I've started a novena and am trying to take time to rest but it's a slow process and I never like it.

You see we just had friends stay with us. They are awesome friends, we love them and they are super people who lift you up and not down so one would think that having them stay would be okay.

But somehow my body didn't like it. Instead the day after they left, I had a full blown panic attack like I never had before. My heart was racing with a pulse of 130-150 for at least a good half hour if not longer. I was completely aware and yet out of control of my body doing this. I did nothing to trigger it at that moment, instead I was gardening and about to peacefully walk home with the kids.

It was awful and I hated it so much because I was helpless. I called my brother and SIL for advice and all the while the baby is upset that I don't want her near me. We talk my brother who struggles also with anxiety tells me that's it's a panic attack and I don't understand, I just want it to be gone. Finally I give in to nursing the baby despite being out of sorts.

And you know what that little girl saved me, nursing her almost immediately calmed my heart rate. I am ever so thankful.

It's amazing how the thing we think causes the mess might actually be the saving grace. The child who we give so much to and we hardly feel like appreciates it, at least in our adult minds, can just be so good for us. To break us of our destruction of self. They do love us, so very much and yes sometimes we can see it, but in the taking so much from us and us giving so much it's hard to see it a lot of times. This one time, I don't think I'll ever forget. 

And so, having that experience has set on a whole new wave of anxiety and it sucks. I'm taking my steps to get it under control/figure out what to change and let go, but it takes time and is an uphill battle a bit. It's opened up some new wounds, or some pieces of me that I struggle with as we all do have our struggles. Through it I try to remind myself God is there and he won't let me down through this. And that will get me through another day.

Freedom Fridge

 Many days recently, I have found Helena in the fridge. She's exploring and while I used to have a lock on the fridge to keep the kids out and from doing this exact thing, I no longer do.  Now it might just be because the lock broke and I haven't had time to fix it, but its interesting.  It doesn't bug me that she gets into it anymore.  The first two times around it did, thus the lock. But now, maybe I'm softening up, or maybe her personality is different but I no longer need the control. 

This has made me think about how I view things that need limits with my children. People say that kids do need boundaries and rules, but I think sometimes when it comes about always having a rule, and never breaking the rule or relaxing the rule, how do we learn. Don't get me wrong, I believe fully in self-control.  I honestly think our society sucks at this concept in general, but I'm being to ponder why.  I'm honestly not sure what all leads to this, there are so many contributing factors probably.  

I do think we do have limits and in some things we do need rules, but I think in our society we no longer are allowed to think for ourselves or think differently.  As much as we value our freedom, it feels like we are step by step taking it away to make us only be aloud to talk and think and do things one way.  I'm not so sure this is what was intended for us. 

So I was thinking about something, my oldest son, I would deem him an artist, a builder. He loves to create.  I let him draw on the iPad, and usually I regulate the time, but I'm wondering about this.  Because yes, there is such a thing as indulging in something to excess, but the time that I didn't regulate his time, he was able to really create.  He didn't just watch tv shows even though he had full access to them. So maybe its just that I have more kids and with more kids, you loosen up on things, but I'm seeing that control I thought I needed isn't necessary anymore. 

So maybe I'm just rethinking things, or learning.  I'm sure there is another side to it all, but this is where I am at today. And to finish it off, the eldest saw that the littlest could do something, so he did it too, only he is too big to just fit inside the bottom fridge part, so the freezer came open too.

Influence and owning my choices

I've been working on the concept of owning my choices in my life. I unfortunately have been not good at this in the past and instead tend to fear judgment of someone not agreeing with me, how crazy is that? Probably not so much, but if it leads to a life of fear that's not good, not good at all.

Being Catholic for over 8 years now!!!, it's always interesting when I come into contact with someone from my past who doesn't know that, and then to actually know that maybe their example was a precursor to my Catholicism.

I went to a Southern Baptist college for my undergrad degree. They were very Baptist in many ways, and I thank them for that, but they also were shockingly open to having Catholics and more liturgically based denominations in their faculty. I grew up Presbyterian, and liturgy want foreign to me, but the Presbyterians were becoming less so and in my college years I was too. I joined the ranks of the non denom movement and enjoyed it but it left many questions and I didn't know that becoming Catholic would satisfy a great deal of those and open more avenues to truth but it did.

I feel like I'm digressing though, so to pull it back together, I need to tell you that I went to wedding of a good friend that I met during my college years. She is an amazing woman and I'm so happy that she was able to find an amazing guy to spend her life with in marriage. At this wedding, there were a few blasts from the past. One of them being a key player for me in my faith life. First I went to a small school so we had many encounters with professors families and their family life in a good way. This particular professor was the first person I encountered who was a providentialist and really open about his faith and acceptance of children. I had grown up one of four children and honestly 4 children seemed like such a huge number growing up because rarely anyone I knew had more than one sibling maybe two. But to be okay with 6+ children and be open to whatever God  gave you, that was radical. And honestly at the time I didn't get it, not one bit. But seeds, seeds of understanding were being planted despite of me.

This particular professor also was one of the first people to put science and religion together in a way that they were harmonious with each other. There were others who did this in little ways, but this particular person set the precedence for what came to be my understanding of natural law. That no longer did my love of science have to fight with my faith but they could go together, and I'm truly thankful for that.

So many times we wonder how God's grace is working in our lives and we question and we despair even maybe. But then things like this, they help, they help to see that you really aren't alone. That God does have your back every step of the way and for that I say thank-you. Thank-you, Jesus. And as for owning these things, well I want afraid to say to this person who I was now and what I did. This is progress, definitely progress.

Conference take ways

This past Saturday I attended the Catholic Women's Blogging Network conference for Ohio. It was amazing and uplifting. There were a little less than 20 women there and that number made it very personal and almost made you feel like you came home with that many new best friends. 

The common denominator of or blogging was that we were Catholic women, but there was so many different ways that we all went about our blogging and it reminded me of one of the beauties of being Catholic, the fact that there isn't just one way of living out our faith. I mean we all blog, but we do it in our own way and somehow it all comes back to Jesus and his wanting us to love others. 

The women that gave talks at the conference were amazing. One touched on making sure we are authentic to who we are and making sure in all things we understand we are given the responsibility of being teachers with our blogs. To know that God calls us to greatness in our blogging  and in all aspects of our lives really, in whatever way that may manifest itself. In the posts that are hard to write and in the projects that arise from blogging that our yes will be rewarded. To think about who we are serving in our blogging. To know that it's okay to make it more than a hobby if God calls us to do so. To know that the fruition of balance is never going to happen. To know you have limitations but to know that you can trust in God through those limitations, through the hard stuff. To simply find peace in your decision of blogging in whatever facet it may take.

This all challenged me and refreshed me and I am thankful for that. In thankful for amazing women to share my heart with and listen to them talk about their own.

In it all I realized I may be a tiny almost obscure blogger, and that's okay. I can still be great because I will try my best to be authentically me and being that I am made in His image, point readers to Christ.

Some of the great bloggers that were there.

Emily of It's The Baum

Melody of Blossoming Joy 

Brooke of The Sacred Sink

Colleen of Raising Lifelong Learners

Ellen of That Chic Mom
Elena of My Domestic Church
Taylor of The Unseen Certainty
Jayme of Jayme Orn Photography
Melanie of Much Madness
Andrea of Velvet Strawberries
Christine of A Fly on Our Chicken Coop Wall
Donna of What if God Says No
Theresa of Ordinary Lovely
Michele of Columbus Catholic Women
Emily of Motherhood Matters

Beloved

"When love chooses, it chooses with a perfect sensitivity for the unique beauty of the chosen one, and it chooses without making anyone else feel excluded." -Henri Nouwen

This passage has stuck with me and I think about it often. I think about it in the context of the people I meet or how I deal with my children. I've had people wonder why someone like me would befriend someone like them. I've never really thought much of myself as a superior to someone else just because I have a doctorate. I think in getting a doctorate I actually realized how little I really know. And maybe that's why I don't struggle with that and so I'm thankful to try to always see a person for who they are.

But I'm not that awesome at it. I can definitely say some very hurtful things especially to the people I love the most. Because I know them better it's easier to find flaws and to attack rather than love. It's easier to compare instead of seeing uniqueness.

The exclusion bit of this quote really strikes at me. I remember a distinct childhood exclusion experience where in grade school the girls of the class singled out a girl each month to make her life hell. It might have been okay to be on the bullying side, but once it turned to you being bullied it was awful. It changed a lot about how I saw people and their actions after that year. I no longer cared about fitting in in the same way and honestly as awful as it was to live in thankful for that experience because it showed me what love is not.

Nouwen discusses at length in Life of the Beloved how God really created you and I uniquely. It seems so unfathomable to me at times because it seems like we as a society always want to jump on the similarities bandwagon despite what we might say. We want people to be like us, but if they were all like us what would this world be?

I've thought about this previously in the sense of vocation, and I've definitely struggled when folks choose to live out their vocation differently. I'll go ahead and say it and you can hate me for this but I would love more stay at home moms in the world. I want this probably for more selfish reasons than anything, like having other big people to talk to during the day and close by children to whom my kids could be buddies. But the reality of it is that the world doesn't work that way entirely. And funny as it is, I learn from those who do these things differently than me. It isn't loving to say that all moms need to be at home, because that's not true for all cases. It's also not right for me to exclude myself from the working crowd either just because I'm not one of them.

I guess ultimately what I'm trying to say is that this nugget of wisdom from Life of the Beloved has a lot of depth to it. Hopefully, it being stuck in my mind so much will help me to choose to love in the way that is really love and not how the culture sees it. Because as much as I learned from it, I don't ever want to relive that experience from grade school and I don't think you would either.

Only if it brings you closer

I have been thinking, probably more like overthinking, about how much I don't know about Catholicism.  The intellectual in me likes to know things, but I think at times it makes me anxious.  To step into a realm of the unknown and learn a little which then leads to so much more. I think though at the same time I struggle with certain things.  I really struggle with prayer that is repetitive, I just..can't...focus when I do it.  I either fall asleep or get distracted.  So then, I see how folks have learned this great ancient prayer, and I think to myself "I suck at being a Catholic Christian because I can't do that." But this is the devil getting to me.  And well, I don't need him, I need Jesus. So then today after sitting in a bit of prayer, I was reminded of something that the priest at the church I went through RCIA said.  "If it doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, then it isn't worth it."  This doesn't discredit what others may be doing in their ancient prayer learning or carrying out so and so tradition, because for them it probably is doing just this, bringing them closer to Jesus.  But if its a hinderance instead of being fruitful, well then maybe I should reconsider it and do what works for me.  I think this doesn't mean that I can't grow, but I have to grow in Christ as God wants me to, not as someone else does, or from fear of being a bad Catholic.

Just be me

Today was a reminder that I need to be more of the mom I have fun being.

I started today feeling like there was a lot to do, I needed to fill the kiddos minds with all the knowledge from all the questions they asked. You see I've been reading a lot of homeschooling books lately, and well, I have a bad habit of reading a book and wanting to implement all the ideas in them all at once.  Because they are good things, and I need good things in my life.  But then I just get overwhelmed and I start hating on everything.

I even went to confession and adoration this weekend to try to get a clear focus about this all.  Well I think it worked for a day, but then well I read more books.  Gah, I need to stop reading informative books this way!  At the very least, take a step back from them.  Because well today, it was okay and actually at the end I was wearing a smile.  Because I realized something.  First, my kids are learning. Despite dumping out two metric tons of legos onto the floor, the almost three year old could sort by color and part of each category.  The 4yo enjoyed being read to and then is starting to try and read books back to me.

I think yesterday, I was feeling all sorts of bad Catholic because, well, we totally did nothing for Mary's birthday.  I mean oddly we talked about Mary being the Queen mom because well my 4yo asks questions like this, but we didn't do any celebration. This is probably when I should just simply step away from the internet, because well if its making you feel like a failure then well maybe its just time to take a break.

However, today we actually made it to the grocery store. Well, our grocery store is Target, because its the closest and oddly the cheapest besides Aldi and Walmart and well I have issues with each of the latter. In the beginning it wasn't looking good. Ephraim decided it was his trip goal to hit Ben off the side of the cart as many times as possible in five minutes. This made me take him out of the cart to force him to walk and then epic tantrum commenced.  After he calmed down I put him back in and he  was good after that.  However, Ben was overly annoyed that I wasn't buying Helena Dora diapers, because a dirty little secret is that overnight I use a disposable diaper on her, so I have to buy a pack of diapers here and there. It makes my life easier as there are no night leaks and thus no sheet or midnight outfit changes since we bed share.  But Ben got over it.

So feeling internet guilty about not doing anything for mama Mary's birthday, I told the kids we could make a cake and they could pick out the mix and icing.  They picked out funfetti cake and blue vanilla icing.  For those of you who are all organic, I apologize, I have ruined my crunchy cred twice in this post. By the end of our Target trip, Ben was so excited to tell the college aged cashier about our cake.  He just went on and on how we were making this for mama Mary's birthday.  It made my mama heart smile. He even told the cashier how we missed it yesterday and were making the cake a day late.

As the day went on, we didn't get to make the cake till after dinner.  But we made it!  Ben and Ephraim both were stoked to make mama Mary a train shaped cake just like what they would want for their birthday.  (It's one of the random cake pans my mom has passed on to me because I have train loving boys.) The boys were actually really good about mixing and measuring for the cake, and we got it in the oven and then read a ton of books, but then everyone got punchy so we went outside for races.  We raced up and down the block and driveway, the boys loved it and Helena did too and they especially loved it that I sometimes made Helena beat me by holding her out in front of me. Ben and Ephraim decided our trophies would be flowers and it was just good.

You see, I love being outside and being active. Its in my blood, I mean I still play rec soccer just for the fun of it because its just fun to me. And I realize that if I want to be successful at this homeschooling thing, I need to do things that I love to do with the kids.  So races and walks and baking and reading it shall be.  I just gotta be me. As for the cake, we will be 2 days late, and ice it and eat it tomorrow. Yum.

God knows what he is doing

Hallie Lord at Edel simply told us, "It is good that you are here." When I first heard this, I thought to myself, "Thank-you, I'm glad I made it." And for a while that is all I thought of it. But then almost a week after returning home the devotion I was reading returned to that same theme. And it was good that it did. Because as awesome as it was to get a break there was reality to return to and with that reality, the same issues that were left behind came to the surface again.

I struggle some days to find peace amongst the chaos of 3 under 5. Actually, I struggle with this probably more days than I'd like to admit. In reading the devotional passage the author, Amy Welborn, brought her daughter to a beach on a particularly rough day, knowing she'd find solace there. She just knew it was a good place to be. And so this is with my life. I'm here, restless most days, but God knows I need to be here. He's given me the tools to make it through. To be able to find peace in him amongst the chaos.

And it is so hard on those bad days when the almost 3yo decides its a good idea to pee in the sand box or the 4.5yo deliberately hits me in the face with one of his toys or the baby is just gonna scream all day about something. To be in that and find peace, it's so hard, and yet God knows I can do it. He knows it is good for me to be here. And so it is, I just have to find him more amongst the chaos in the love so that there can be peace.

More Edel thoughts

I felt like my last post didn't really hit what my head has finally wrapped around about Edel.  After reading everyone's posts and seeing what it all meant to them.  I think I figured out why the no judgement thing has been so big to me.

I think as a convert of now over 7 years, I always am running into my past life, or really my current, where very little people around me are Catholic.  At the most a lot of my friends are lapsed Catholics, but most are protestant because well I was protestant for 23.5 years. I think then when it came to this decision to become Catholic, I was always butting heads with folks in my life on this issue or that.  Or, I just wouldn't speak up about things and just do my own thing and try to ignore them.

I came from protestantland in the Bible belt in TN, which I am thankful for, because really those Baptists, they put a lot of ideas in my head. Many of these ideas made me think a lot about Catholicism, I just didn't know it at the time. But a good portion of the friends I had made on the way really couldn't understand why I did what I did as a Catholic, or why I wanted to be Catholic. Why mass, and not just any old service was important to attend on Sunday, why I would never contracept, why I wouldn't eat meat on Friday, why I thought that pope guy was a good thing etc.

I think then despite my constant battles in real life, I was able to find solace through social media to finally feel like there were others out there like me, fighting the good Catholic fight. And while eventually, I have met other faithful Catholics through youth ministry and in my parish, and there have also been a few that have stuck it out with me this whole time, the internet has been the place where I was able to connect with other like-minded women.

So enter in Edel.  It was just so amazing to be actually in the same place with so many other women who have struggled, yet persevered in faithful Catholic motherhood/womanhood.  And even better than that, there were no forced emotional moments that I always feel like come with retreats, instead it was just genuine love.  And this is why Edel was so awesome, that even I had to write a second post to express it.

WIWS, Mothers Day Ed.

Finally another WIWS post!

And it was gorgeous out today, at least temperature wise.  So here is the outfit and the kiddos that make me be able to participate in Mother's Day festivities. 

As for the outfit, everything I'm wearing except the shoes are hand me downs, so for a breakdown, I'm worth nothing. The shoes are Teva.  Ben is dressed as the typical pre-schooler, a wild collared shirt, black sweatpants and rain boots.  Ephraim has an Elmo collared shirt, hand me down shorts from his cousin and he managed to wear his brother's shoes at least 3 sizes to big. The sling is Eddie Bauer, it seems to be Helena's favorite, so I wear it a lot. And since you can't see Miss H, well here are some closer shots.

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 Helena's outfit is a gift from Gymboree. And now for a close up...

Nothing better than a peacefully sleeping baby. 

Check out more Sunday attire at Fine Linen and Purple.

If only

I'm sitting here with a baby asleep on my lap and a 2.5 to running around in a diaper with out pants and a 4yo outside digging. I'm supposed to be cooking dinner. But I'm sitting here heart broken by the world and its brokenness I'm encountering.
There are so many hard situations around me. So many people I just want to reach out and at the very least give them a hug and tell them they are loved.

But I started thinking about this all on a way that may finally help me sleep tonight, as long as the baby lets me, right? And here's the thing, I'm not at all trying to undermine the toughness and the hurt and the pain of things, life is hard. But I wonder for myself, as I get angry that my child had slammed the toilet seat down again, so loudly it wakes his baby sister every time, or that my husband's job is super stressful right now and I just wonder if it's ever going to not be. I wonder if I can just accept this and say this is where we are at. Instead of wishing for a time where the anxiety of motherhood ceases or that I can consistently sleep well again, I'm wondering if I can just be accepting of where I am at.

It doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive to do good or get better at dealing with these things. I just think that part of at least my problems are that I'm never content with where I'm at, especially if it's a struggle. And I'm not even sure if that's the right word. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm settling or telling you likewise. But I think I'm missing out in the here and now sometimes in my frustrations. In my can't shut my brain off moments.

It's more so that God really is there, he's here right now add I'm writing this exhausted and trying to manage life with three little kids. And I think I just need to know that, especially when the 4yo body slams me and the baby for the 100th time in the day, or the boys are kicking themselves silly in the middle of mass.

So folks that is where I'm at. Have a blessed weekend.

7 Quick takes...on Saturday am

1. Helena got baptized!! Hooray! Girl was a pro and basically slept through the whole thing. The lovely Emily of Fine Linen and Purple/ Emily Runs and her husband Jim are her awesome godparents.

2. It actually hit 60 degrees three times this week, so we have been trying to air out the house and rid of us of the germs.  I still have no voice and am full of junk every morning, so I'm not sure it really worked.  But the warm fresh air does feel good!

3. Amongst the warmer weather, there were crazy winds. One of these winds managed to knock over a storage shelving container in the garage and blow out everything into the driveway, which included old rat poison that was behind it.  Ephraim, our lovely 2yo, found said container and I caught him playing with it.  He potentially ate some, so I called poison control and now he is on watch till next Thursday for any random odd bleeding, at which we rush him to the doctors office for treatment.

4. Ben has been struggling with some essential concepts this week, waiting his turn for something/waiting in general patiently and thinking every little injustice is the end of the world. I'm hoping we learn how to deal with these things and he outgrows them quickly.

5. In a random mom thing that won't make sense to non-parents.  Ben finally figured out how to snap in the bottom buckle of his car seat.  This will make my life 5% easier in general, and probably 20% more easy when it comes to getting everyone into the car.

6. Helena turns 6 weeks old today! It does finally feel like we are in a semi-routine finally and that I am able to do things with all three and not want to cry through every moment because its just that hard.  So here's to another six weeks we can do this!

7. My partner in crime, DH, RHL, Keith, or @llamaluvr turns 31 today.  Wish him a very happy birthday if you know him. And if you have any crazy obtainable beer suggestions for a present for him, let me know. I'm a bit behind on the present getting for him.

Check out more quick takes at conversiondiary.com 

Five Favorites, 1st edition

So I am probably doing this wrong, because a lot of my things aren't tangible.  But I think this Lent I need to work on Joy, since I am trying not to complain and such.  So these are 5 things that are my favorites this week that are helping me be more joyful.

1. So the new 17mo learned a new trick.  He hasn't been much of a talker yet, so I was super stoked when he learned the word along with the motion.  It makes me smile and I love it, so check it out if you'd like. 

2. I have an awesome neighbor that let me into the underground ironing ring.  Anyway, an older lady irons shirts for 75cents a shirt.  And since I never get  quite the time to iron, I am gladly taking her up on adding a few of my husbands shirts weekly. 

3. I love, love, love this book by Colleen Carroll Campbell.  I can't even tell you how much I have gotten out of it.  I didn't make it part of my lenten plans, but it has infiltrated itself into them anyway.  So much truth, life and love in it. 

4. I love the new set up of my oldest sons room.  I was ecstatic about the underbed dressers, the wall decals and the train table.  This way when it comes time to move Ephraim over we can actually fit another bed in there.  I love it. 

5. And last, I love the one post by Anne at A Holy Experience wrote today on the rape in Steubenville.  Being part of the culture and the other side of the boys will be boys issue, I just thank God for the good guys that know that they are supposed to be better and more than that.  I honestly think there is an underlining story here and my journey towards Catholicism that I didn't really understand at the time going through it.  But the fact that women really are valued in the Catholic church, with Mary as our Mother, with Theology of the Body, with Women Doctors of the Church, with Women Saints etc, makes me glad that I am finally home. A favorite thing indeed.

Check out more Favorites at Moxie Wife. 

Saint Story Guest Post: St. Gerard

Today I am guest posting over at Jenna's blog It's Just called Spicy, about my experience with St. Gerard.  It was actually a really liberating post to write because for a long time I felt very negatively about my 2nd son's birth, as things didn't go as planned.  However, as I look back at it all now, God was there and St. Gerard was interceding for me too!

Anyway, Jenna is doing a series on saints for the 40 days of Lent.  Be sure to check some of the other posts out.

Happy Saturday!

Caught Day 2

I want to say more, but I'm not sure where to go with it.  So, I will just say the one thing that has stuck out to me today.  And that is about childlike trust in God.  I feel like I am always struggling with this.  But today the simplest example stuck out to me.  We worry as mamas about our kids doing silly things that cause them to get in harms way. One of those things is how at the top of any stairs, if I am a bit lower than Ephraim, he expects to be caught.  True childlike trust is here.  And the thing is that I am human, sometimes I can't catch him as my hands are full, and sometimes I'm not looking.  But with God, he never turns his back and he will always catch me.  And so today I am caught, by grace, by love, by God.

Lent Day 1

I am not sure that I will keep up with this each day.  I just feel inspired today with it being the first day of Lent.

So how has it started off.  Well, we didn't get to mass due to fever baby.  But I did get to carry out my Lenten sacrifices.  I think I was able not to complain today, at least I didn't do so knowingly and to add to it, a dear friend said she would help me to keep myself accountable.  Woohoo for good friendships!

I actually am feeling a little bit more blessed today and come to think of it happy.  It's odd because sometimes I feel like Lent kind of gets a bad name with doom and gloom in its sacrificial nature. However, today with what I was focusing on, I felt loved.

You know how you can read a million books or verses of the Bible that explain how little things are done in love.  And then you get into the mode of like ugh, again, I have to do this again.  Well I guess that has been me.  I think I was feeling like I was missing something bceause I am no longer PhD student Kiera.  I didn't feel purposeful.  But there is purpose in the little things, because they are done in love.  And really wants more important than that?

The other thing I did today, or maybe it was yesterday, I lack sense of time, was make a hair cut appointment for myself.  This may sound silly to ya'll but I'm just bad at taking care of myself sometimes. And this is something that needs to be done since its been 5 months since my last haircut.  So, I think I am going to find little ways that I can take care of myself better, because these I think will help me feel better about me and thus help me to feel happy as well.

Happy Ash Wednesday to ya'll.

Thoughts

Honestly internet, I probably shouldn't pour my heart out to you like I do, since there is something to be said about privacy in these things.  But really I don't care what you know about me because I would rather be honest on my life's journey with God than be silent and be a mess inside. This is because for me, writing is therapeutic.  I need it to clear my head.  I may not be a great writer, I know this from my graduate school experience, but I love to write nonetheless.  I need it and you, vast internet, are my audience.

Though my feelings may change in the next week or so, I'm just going to say what's going on in life anyway.  First, I have thought about my emotional state of being, and really I'm not where I should be.  I have a great life, one full of choices that I made out of ability to make them instead of falling into them. Choices that have been good for me. Good for me in that I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God and others.  I know that one of my New Year's resolutions was to own the choices that I make/made.  I am trying to do that in this.

There was an article that was published I think by Fox news a few days back in which a woman suggests that we need to go back to the days of chivalry where women where treated like princesses.  I don't think this is true, the princess thing.  While it would be nice if it were so, but probably only the elite few experienced this really.  I followed a long facebook discussion that Simcha Fisher had on her page regarding the said article.  It was fascinating and encouraging.  They helped me to see that my choices though, sometimes thought of as odd in the realm of academia from which I came, are valid choices.

These choices I refer to are the desire to be a SAHM, and to want a large family, and maybe to want to homeschool them when the time comes. I am thankful that I am able to do these things, as in my last post, I am privileged in the fact that I do have a wonderful husband who is fully supportive of all these things.  I prayed for him for years, and I am thankful that God answered this prayer above and beyond what I could have imagined.  That may sound ridiculous since I got married when I was 23, but it is true.  I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

So I made these choices and I want to say that they are the best choices for me, I will say that too, at least to the best of my experience and knowledge they are.  However, certain environmental things or maybe just the devil get inside my head and make me think else wise.  I wrote last time that I care too much about what folks think about my choices. I know I shouldn't but yet I do.  It is a constant struggle to try to not care, to care only what God thinks.

I came across a passage again written by Simcha Fisher in the Style, Sex and Substance book.  In it she states,
    " A receptive woman is the most powerful creature in the world, in her deliberate openness: without         her 'yes', nothing more can happen. Life comes to an end.
     Here's the tricky part: 'Yes' can come in many different forms. Sometimes we say, joyfully or in tears, 'Yes, I will accept another baby.' But sometimes the fitting answer is, 'Yes, I accept the need to put off a pregnancy right now.' Or even, 'Yes, I see that God will not give me a living child.' Sometimes we stand there, open and accepting, and God comes to fill our cup with suffering.  And still we must say, 'yes.'"

And for the longest time I think I was upset with myself that I was saying no to God.  That I can't handle this right now.  I think somehow I was playing games with myself, because I wanted to please others. And here is the confusing part, I also wanted to say yes, to the wrong thing for the wrong reason because I wanted to please someone else instead of God.  I think honestly this is a big part of why I am not in the right mental state currently.

My husband said to me, use Lent to prayerfully discern how you can be happy.  I guess ladies and gents that since he is the one that sees me the most, I am not appearing to be happy.  And from the fact that I beat myself up over a night of lost sleep, over and over, this probably is true.  I get so frustrated with stupid things that it sours my whole mood.  And honestly I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though you may have come to the conclusion that I am.  I would just say that really need to begin living more for God and less for this world and be okay with my pride being destroyed in the process.

So this is a main reason why I will spend Lent not complaining, because I need to die to self and really live for God.  I need to find my happiness in him and not in others opinions.  So ladies and gents, pray for me on my journey this lent and I will try to do my best and pray for you all too.