To the forest musings

Today was another day in the forest. I usually hate fall, the darkness, the cooler weather. Somehow, being outside in it, appreciating it for what it is, helps me to enjoy it more. And not all the societal must haves like pumpkin spice everything, and farm parks. I do enjoy a good corn maze however. Perhaps, for me just being outside and noticing things outside my normal realm of thought, things that go on whether I am looking or not, things of beauty to marvel at, those have a quality to calm me and make me realize its going to be okay.

Today in the forest, I was fixated on making a leaf mosaic, I encouraged the children to pick their favorites to put in and we made it together. Somehow, making that art was satisfying. Perhaps, I am a maker at heart. Somehow if there is order and balance, I can be at peace. I think today that I needed that peace.

The children surprised me in their own way in their making, not in the way I wanted to be, but instead of their own imagination. There were leaf beds and rock drums and log hotels and it was marvelous to see the creativity that went into their play scheme. As it is through play that they learn and it is so neat to see them carry it all out.

I realize at times, that volunteering in the position of director for our Cleveland chapter is a bit daunting at times, but I do think it is more rewarding than not and therefore able to be continued. Perhaps there will be a point when it is not so, but for now I like it. Connecting people in nature and witnessing children engineering their orchestrations and multi-age play and generations coming together, its worth it.

Influence and owning my choices

I've been working on the concept of owning my choices in my life. I unfortunately have been not good at this in the past and instead tend to fear judgment of someone not agreeing with me, how crazy is that? Probably not so much, but if it leads to a life of fear that's not good, not good at all.

Being Catholic for over 8 years now!!!, it's always interesting when I come into contact with someone from my past who doesn't know that, and then to actually know that maybe their example was a precursor to my Catholicism.

I went to a Southern Baptist college for my undergrad degree. They were very Baptist in many ways, and I thank them for that, but they also were shockingly open to having Catholics and more liturgically based denominations in their faculty. I grew up Presbyterian, and liturgy want foreign to me, but the Presbyterians were becoming less so and in my college years I was too. I joined the ranks of the non denom movement and enjoyed it but it left many questions and I didn't know that becoming Catholic would satisfy a great deal of those and open more avenues to truth but it did.

I feel like I'm digressing though, so to pull it back together, I need to tell you that I went to wedding of a good friend that I met during my college years. She is an amazing woman and I'm so happy that she was able to find an amazing guy to spend her life with in marriage. At this wedding, there were a few blasts from the past. One of them being a key player for me in my faith life. First I went to a small school so we had many encounters with professors families and their family life in a good way. This particular professor was the first person I encountered who was a providentialist and really open about his faith and acceptance of children. I had grown up one of four children and honestly 4 children seemed like such a huge number growing up because rarely anyone I knew had more than one sibling maybe two. But to be okay with 6+ children and be open to whatever God  gave you, that was radical. And honestly at the time I didn't get it, not one bit. But seeds, seeds of understanding were being planted despite of me.

This particular professor also was one of the first people to put science and religion together in a way that they were harmonious with each other. There were others who did this in little ways, but this particular person set the precedence for what came to be my understanding of natural law. That no longer did my love of science have to fight with my faith but they could go together, and I'm truly thankful for that.

So many times we wonder how God's grace is working in our lives and we question and we despair even maybe. But then things like this, they help, they help to see that you really aren't alone. That God does have your back every step of the way and for that I say thank-you. Thank-you, Jesus. And as for owning these things, well I want afraid to say to this person who I was now and what I did. This is progress, definitely progress.

Stuck... Finally unstuck?

I read a Patheos post a few weeks ago and shared it on FB. I have to admit it was snarky and probably threw a lot of people off that know me on the surface. I think though it had some points and overall, I liked it.
First off, I want to say this is coming from my own experience. If I offend someone I'm sorry, but I need to put this all together so it's out of my head.

I once went to a Bible study for women at the church I was part of at the time. Most if not all the women at the study were 15 years or more older than me. The topic came up of work life and how women were oppressed in this measure. Essentially, the women's liberation in the work place movement. At the time, I really couldn't think of a time that I had been oppressed and I was a science grad student. It was really weird for me to fathom anything different because at the time all the doors had been opened for me. I mean sciences seek out women because it makes them look more well rounded or better and I was one of those women that benefited from this.

When it came to education I could have as much as I wanted as long as I applied myself and did the work. I could do that. But somewhere in there I chose to be a stay at home mom post PhD. I got the degree but wanted a different life. And there I still am today. I have been told countless times that I should be doing something else with my life in the sense that I'm wasting my education, but I'd still choose this gig any day.

When I finished my degree and truly was at home, I had a hard time. My world was upside down. Honestly, as hard as it's been it's been really good for me. After 4 years, I can actually cook from scratch more often than not. I can knit and fashion out a lot out of duct tape and glue. I go back and forth on what is the best way to keep my house nice, but essentially I can keep it in running order.

When I was a grad student and essentially going to work in the lab for long hours each day, there was much talk of what I would do post schooling. Professors thought I would be a professor, others thought I should at least keep my head in the game and do something part time. I knew deep down I wanted to be at home, and some folks let me know that was a frivolous pursuit if I actually told them this truth.  Others said my career was done for if I had children. It was the opposite side of the liberation movement, at least in my experience. A few people really were supportive and I thank them for that. They were the ones that got me through the transition.

The real thing is though, I'm not sure if it's the Internet's fault or if it's the progression of society, but it's definitely been so much harder for me to be a stay-at-home mom day in and day out than getting a PhD was. I essentially love what I'm doing the hard parts and all, but man somehow the filling of sippy cups and the changing of diapers and keeping up with the messes is so much more challenging. Maybe it's the actual guiding the children in their learning, but I felt entirely unprepared going into this motherhood thing.

I'm not sure if we really can be prepared for motherhood, but I wonder if more could be done to connect us with others going through similar things and definitely somehow learn practical life things before adulthood. I learned a decent amount of things because well being 1 of 4 kids, there were chores, but I didn't really get to learn the domestic arts because they weren't stressed. I could cook from a box but that was it.

I want to change the cycle with my own children. I probably won't do it perfectly, but I at least want to try. I do think a lot of policy in society doesn't really allow for a good work life balance. When it comes to really wanting women to be science, I think instead of throwing pink science toys at young girls which aren't reality at all, present the real thing and real life applications. And when they are a twenty-something in the throws of science or some other awesome career, maybe actually allow them to take a full year off or have work from home allowances, be kind to them when they do start a family or heck, give them paid maternity leave.

I feel like we are so focused on our economy and it might not be individually so, but policy forces us to be that we forget that family and the little moments really matter, the time spent with them. Now, I admit to being one extreme with the homeschooling stay at home mom semi crafter, but I do think others more in the middle may be able to identify here.

Its not a perfect world we live in, we all know that, but I think we can do better with how women are treated in roles of family and work. Maybe the pendulum has gone to the extreme one way and is slowly swinging back. Maybe sewing and homemaking will make a resurgence from the few that have kept those things going. I don't know, but I pray it will be better for my daughter as an adult to have a family and choose what line of work she wants, whether it to be at home or be a senator or a museum curator, instead of worse.