A baby that likes to be held

I've had one of these before. A baby that likes to be held constantly. That will only sleep when touching you. I know this brand of baby. Sometimes I'm bitter about it, sometimes it tries my patience and I need to leave the house by myself. Thankfully, my husband can and will accommodate this. We love her this baby, and I know she won't need me like this forever. For now, we are here.

I think that actually having this type of baby helps me to see that my worth doesn't depend on my productivity. Because if it did, I would be goner right now. I am stuck when she naps and I am stuck when she goes down for the night. So I sit and I knit or I read or I read to the kids. But I can't clean the house and I can't do a lot of active things.  Sometimes, if she needs a nap in the afternoon I will strap her to my back and we will walk around the neighborhood. And it is okay.

My intention is not to complain about this sweet girl of mine, but just to say how she is. She reminds me of her older brother who wanted to be carried until he was almost 4. He is still probably the best smuggler I know. Well, except for maybe this sweet girl.  But I think it definitely has taken time to adjust to her being this variety of baby. My last, I think, just needed me differently, so its an adjustment for sure.

She is amazingly sweet and I love that she is at the stage that me drinking something while she is held is of utmost excitement to her. Me grabbing a snack, well, to her that's an invitation to share.  And if I did by chance put her down and have her be content, for sure she will crawl to find me and call, "ma, ma, ma, ma" until I respond.

Sometimes I will put her down and she will then find my pant leg and she will pull herself up on it and then I am left being stationary from the waist down but trying to move the upper half of me around the kitchen to prepare food for the family. It's actually quite entertaining. And if I'm in the right mood, it makes me laugh.

Babies don't keep and soon enough she will be like her second eldest brother so very independent, who once was like her in her neediness. And so I am writing this to remember her and to try my best to love and enjoy her as a gift from God.

New Years Resolutions

The year ends and a new one begins. Its time for resolutions. We went to a friend's party this evening as a family and on the way home I told the kids that usually when a new year begins people make resolutions. So here is what the kids came up with:

Stella - the big kids agreed that she is to learn to walk and talk in the new year.

Helena - she said she would get her own cereal bowl in the mornings

Ephraim - that he would get his own cereal bowl and spoon in the mornings,

Ben - To say Helena correctly.

And for the adults:

Keith: Read 20 books, blog 15 times

Kiera : journal or blog at least weekly. Read 20 books. Celebrate the little things more as I got the word Toast as my word of the year. I think this is a really good word for me as I need to work on thanksgiving more and this feels like it is in that realm. I also got the Saint Wenceslaus as my saint for the year so I am hoping to learn from him and to invoke his intercession often.

The kids love saints and so I think tomorrow I will generate a Saint for the year for each of them too. For those of you interested in a Saint name for the year or an inspirational word head here.

And there are good times too.

I have a personality that can easily be caught in the bad.  I have to remind myself that there are good things often or I get very whoa-is-me the world is ending or is hating me. So this post is to remind me of a few of those.

First, I've been enjoying lately all the kiddos crowded on my big bed reading bed time stories or telling bed time stories.  The kids have been into hearing stories about when they were littler, and I'm having to think how to make their lives into interesting stories for them to hear, and when I am able to do it well, they love it.

Next, its so good to have friends that you can talk to and don't mind listening and you in return don't mind listening to them.  Friends that understand that you are a sensitive soul and want to build you up instead of tear you down.  They are worth so much.

And despite the bad about the incident last week, I'm so thankful for good neighbors.  Ones that invite you into their home unannounced and share a peanut butter cup with you and let your children play freely with their own.  Ones that when you call them in a pickle they help you out of it by lending you a car seat so you can get to co-op and the doctor because your baby ended up with a double ear infection.  Or that the folks at the corner produce store know you well enough to feel comfortable giving you hand-me-down clothes for your children because they see you as a friend and they are watching your children grow right along with you.

And last, this.  The opportunity just to play and love.

Land Before Time

Dear Lena,

I figured I'd write this post to you.  Your brothers have been obsessed with dinosaurs lately, first it was Dinosaur Train related.  Ephraim's casts has been full of dinosaurs from this show.

Then, I introduced them to the Land Before Time and it seems there has been no going back.  Sure they appreciate Dinosaur Train, and will watch it, but there is something that has captivated them with these characters from your mama's own childhood.  And honestly I'm okay with that, to me they were pretty great characters.  My favorite is Duckie, but Benjamin seems to like Little Foot and Ephraim likes Cera and Spike. In this obsession, we have been finding many dinosaurs around the house eating appropriately.

Fennel anyone?

The T-Rex is eating ants.

And with this obsession, my artist in me has come out and honestly I like it. I get to draw things and the boys enjoy painting them. 

Cera

Spike

Little Foot painted by Ben

Little Foot again

So what I think I learned from this all is that I am glad to rediscover my like of drawing.  I sometimes wonder Lena girl if as a teenager I let peers or mentors influence me too much. But also maybe the perfectionist came out and saw science as a safe way to get through school.  I was good a science, and I knew there were jobs in science.  It seemed less subjective than art or architecture, and so that's what I chose.  But Lena girl, I think that maybe what I want to teach you is that it is okay to take risks, it doesn't mean that you have to do so, but that it is okay to fail. Its in failing that we learn.  I need to remember that more often than not, because maybe just maybe I can try things and fail and it will be okay.  And for now, I'll keep drawing dinosaurs, and probably fail at this sometimes too. :)

Love,

Your Mama

Freedom Fridge

 Many days recently, I have found Helena in the fridge. She's exploring and while I used to have a lock on the fridge to keep the kids out and from doing this exact thing, I no longer do.  Now it might just be because the lock broke and I haven't had time to fix it, but its interesting.  It doesn't bug me that she gets into it anymore.  The first two times around it did, thus the lock. But now, maybe I'm softening up, or maybe her personality is different but I no longer need the control. 

This has made me think about how I view things that need limits with my children. People say that kids do need boundaries and rules, but I think sometimes when it comes about always having a rule, and never breaking the rule or relaxing the rule, how do we learn. Don't get me wrong, I believe fully in self-control.  I honestly think our society sucks at this concept in general, but I'm being to ponder why.  I'm honestly not sure what all leads to this, there are so many contributing factors probably.  

I do think we do have limits and in some things we do need rules, but I think in our society we no longer are allowed to think for ourselves or think differently.  As much as we value our freedom, it feels like we are step by step taking it away to make us only be aloud to talk and think and do things one way.  I'm not so sure this is what was intended for us. 

So I was thinking about something, my oldest son, I would deem him an artist, a builder. He loves to create.  I let him draw on the iPad, and usually I regulate the time, but I'm wondering about this.  Because yes, there is such a thing as indulging in something to excess, but the time that I didn't regulate his time, he was able to really create.  He didn't just watch tv shows even though he had full access to them. So maybe its just that I have more kids and with more kids, you loosen up on things, but I'm seeing that control I thought I needed isn't necessary anymore. 

So maybe I'm just rethinking things, or learning.  I'm sure there is another side to it all, but this is where I am at today. And to finish it off, the eldest saw that the littlest could do something, so he did it too, only he is too big to just fit inside the bottom fridge part, so the freezer came open too.

People Trees

While snuggling post bath, I asked Ephraim what he wanted to be when he grows up this evening.

In an Ephraim like fashion he answered, "I don't want to be anything. But I want to grow like a tree. Yes, I want to be an apple tree, with apples on me."

Ben in his literal way chimed in, "Ephraim, you know you can pretend to be a tree during the day." Because he was referring to this, 

which is a tree person I told them I saw while roaming the gardens of the Opryland Hotel in Nashville.

And so they are enthralled with the concept that you could really be a tree when you grow up.

Nursing

Dear Lena,

I usually try to steer clear of the mommy war subjects because well the reason they are that way is because these topics are so hard to generalize and come with do many emotions. There are certain things I've found that worked for our family though, nursing is one of them.

I've now nursed three babies for a combined total of 50ish months. I'm no expert, and probably never will be, but that's a lot of nursing probably at least in American standards.  The tides are changing and nursing is becoming more common though and I'm cool with that. But if formula is necessary to make sure a baby gets fed, that's a good thing too. I'm all for feeding hungry babies.

So this nursing thing, it's been a journey, Lena girl, one I'm still on. When I first started nursing, I saw it as a way to feed my baby and hopefully delay my return of fertility. It did both those things, but being a very new mom I don't think I really ever stopped to think about the bond. Now God was working in spite of me and formed a bond there anyway, but overall, I wasn't thinking much other than okay, let's feed this baby.

The second nursing experience was interesting and brought it's own challenges with elimination diets and such. And doing so made me think more on the lines that I'm protecting my baby from things that could hurt him. Baby number two was also a lot more touch oriented. I tell people if he remembered how to nurse still he probably would, instead we just hug it out a ton these days. But with him I saw nursing as something he needed and I was willing to try and sacrifice a little of my freedom at night for him to feel secure. It didn't ever occur to me y to think that it was doing me some good too.

Third time around, we actually started it rocky and I went to lactation consultants to figure out what was up, apparently, you girlfriend weren't born with your brothers' super awesome latching skills. So we had to work on it a lot, but you grew bigger and you've been fine ever since.

The one thing now with you is that, maybe it's that you are number 3, or maybe I've finally started to chill out a bit, but I actually enjoy nursing you. I see how it's calming, it calms me even. It forces me to slow down in the midst of the chaos of 3 littles. It soothes you pretty much instantly and it's pretty great. I think also that somehow I'm learning about God through our nursing. If I really let myself just stare at you in your nursing there is just so much to see, so much beauty, so much trust, so much love. It has me thinking more and more this nursing thing, it really is part of the bigger picture in a learning sense of my life long journey and that is a good thing.

So Lena girl, thanks for being you. I hope this helps you one day in the long off future.

Love,
Your mama

First Performance

Dear Lena,

Last Saturday your brothers were part of a gymnastics exhibition.  They have been taking lessons once a week since October, and they got to be part of a show this past weekend.  I feel like I was more nervous about it than they were.  We had invited both sets of grandparents and I had no idea what to expect.  Your brothers, they are like their mama, rebels to say the least.  They don't like to do things if they don't want to do them.  Incentives really don't work.  But they had worked hard to learn their routine and I hoped they would think it a good thing to do their best with it.  I always try to tell them that I will love them no matter what, even if they didn't maybe get something that would be okay.  Well, it worked out that they did do their best, and their best was pretty great in my book.  The little tumblers, tumbled and I totally was holding back the tears and not doing a very good job at it. It was really a proud moment in my book and I think that's a good thing.  I love those little guys and you so much, Lena girl. I am so thankful that God chose me as your mother so I could experience moments like these.

Love,
Your Mama

Dear Benjamin

Dear Ben,

Somehow on your birthday you just seemed a little bigger, a little wiser, a whole year older. You are five now. Five, that seems so big yet so little.  Its funny because you get things these days, you surprise me with your knowledge and your want to do things. We create cities and read chapter books. You always insist that when it snows now its a sugar snow. You are silly like that.

You challenge me to think deeper and behave better.  You help me to see the world upside down and backwards sometimes, especially with your insistence on wearing your underwear on backwards to see the picture. You always want to be first and you are so upset when I tell you that age doesn't really matter when it comes to adult height, you think the oldest should always be the tallest.

Your most current love are numbers, you love counting them and drawing them and arranging everything them in this many or that many.  You love pointing them out everywhere we go and love insisting you have as many ice cubes as your age in your water glasses.

What I like most about you though right now is your willingness to help.  As long as you are well fed and not tired, you will rise to the occasion.  I hope this never stops, because the world needs more helpful people in it.

You are fascinated with cities and NYC, so much that you influenced your daddy to take us on a NYC adventure this summer.  You also love dogs, someday I am sure you are hoping we will give in and let you have one.  You probably would have to convince your dad the most because well he just doesn't think we would be up for it, and honestly your mama has her hands full with you and your siblings at the moment.  But maybe, just maybe your persistence will help you with this task.

You make friends no matter where you go.  I love this about you, you are fearless when it comes to meeting new people and talking to them.  I love that about you. I hope your curiosity never stops being there and you learn everything your little heart wants to learn.  Maybe you can be part of a think tank someday or some amazing philosopher. Right now though, I know you are set on being a daddy, and for some reason you want to be a stay at home daddy too.  That's okay by me.  I'll keep praying for you to grow big and strong and to love God above all else.

So, Benji boy. I love you. Don't ever stop being you.

Love,
Your Mama

Memories

Yesterday, it was a day that had its ups and downs.  I think somewhere in there, I realized that when there are certain things that are problems outside my control I get frustrated and usually have some of my not so fine moments. Yesterday, had some of those moments and also some growing bits amongst them too.  You see, my husband was supposed to be home before bedtime, maybe not in time for dinner, he had a haircut after work after all, but he was supposed to be home for the kids bedtime.  Yesterday, however, there was a lot of snow in his travels which caused an accident on the highway and made everything be at a standstill for a good hour or more.  Needless to say, he didn't make it in time for bedtime.

I have gotten better at solo bedtime with three, I used to have to call in reinforcements to help out with two and I'm not sure how three is easier than two in that retrospect, but it is for me. I'm finally to the point that I can do it and I don't lose my head.  The not losing my head thing probably helps everyone have a smoother bedtime, at least maybe. So, anyway, when it was nearing 7pm and the husband was still stuck on the highway, I figured I would be doing solo bedtime.

The thing is that I knew today was going to be a big day, and I was going to be out of the house for most of it which meant that I wasn't going to get Helena's birthday cake made unless I did it right then, at 7pm, past the baby's bedtime. So, we made chocolate beet cake, yes I know I'm weird adding beets to cake and all, right then.  A thought crossed my mind that this would be so much easier if everyone was in bed and I was doing this myself, but then I realized this is okay.  This is what I need and this is what the kids are going to remember...making the littlest one's 1st birthday cake at bedtime while daddy was stuck on the highway.

And believe me the whole time we were making it, they enjoyed it but they were also super concerned about their daddy.  They love him so much, they prayed for him to be unstuck, they thought that we should add a snow plow to our van and go rescue him or add a chain and pull him out. When they realized it was just not snow and that there was an accident and that other people were involved, the boys thought to add the people in the accident to their prayers too. They wondered if they needed an ambulance and if they were going to be okay.  I said I hoped so, and that I was sure the people appreciated the kids' prayers.

So eventually we got to bed, Ephraim fell asleep in our bed with the baby and Ben in his bed.  The boys made me read the story of Jonah, and I had to improvise a little because, well, the baby was barely hanging on at this point, but we made through, and I'm glad.  You see I'm realizing that sometimes in these moments where I'm wishing things were easier, I'm missing the good bits if I forget to notice them.  The end of the day was a good reflection point but also if I look back to another point in the day where I was trying to put back together the couch with its slip cover and realizing I wasn't getting anywhere with the kids jumping and or screaming all around me. I just had to stop at that point, it was hard to let go of what i wanted to happen, having an intact couch, but it meant that I just was going to have to stop and be present...in the mess...in the chaos. When I let go of my expectation, everyone, including me was happier, the couch did eventually get put back together, but not for a few more hours. Anyway, sometimes, my head thinks things have to be just so, and while a clean house or kids put to bed on time are nice,  I think I am realizing through this that its okay to break the mold and just be. Perhaps I just need to throw in the towel more in a good way and have more of these moments.

These giants are attacking my car, maybe if I smile at them they will be friendly.

Vulnerable

I've been reading Chris Padgett's book "I'm not OK, You're not OK, but It's OK." Its got some meh parts, but honestly a lot has been eye opening. I think its the first book in a while that has actually struck a cord on a deeper level for me.

You see I struggle with anxiety.  I'm not sure I actually ever said that bluntly on the blog before.  I'm not sure I always have had anxiety, though I tend to be a worrier, but there have been a few major key players and plays in my life which resulted in a lot of conflict and fear and this I think was a big source of my current state. I think for a while I was so focused on being hurt that I didn't realize that other things were happening, coping mechanisms, masks and walls were being set up by me.

While I think I have come to a point where I have forgiven those people, I realize now that as a result I am ridden of anxiety for fear of being hurt so badly again. I don't think I realized until recently how deep some of the wounds went.

The connection to this book, is that I never realized that its okay to be needy.  I think I was slowly putting it together these past few months and you can probably see that in prior posts, but I think I would sacrifice myself and my own happiness to the point that I probably wasn't that awesome to be around sometimes. I do need to say, hey, I need this from this or you.  Ultimately, Padgett says we fulfill this need in Christ, this neediness, and I'm getting there, I think. But I have a lot to work on too.

You see I'm not good at being me in a confident way.  I do like the choices that I've made, but when it comes to being able to stand up for myself I'm an anxious mess.  So I'm praying about this these days, and trying to find some ways to grow, to be more confident.

I look at my children, and I love how bold they are, they rarely seem be afraid of things in the way I am.  I'm thankful for that, I know God has given me them for many reasons and this is definitely one of them.  I don't want to crush their spirits though and this is another reason why I need to work on my own self-confidence so that they can be confident.

So that is me, if you are willing to stick with me on this journey then thank-you.  I appreciate it.

Busy and Three

So I've been busy. Benjamin asked for a sweater for his birthday, and specifically asked me to knit it. So that's what I've been up to the last few weeks. Well that and I needed a hat, so I knitted a hat, two hats actually, the first didn't fit me so I gave it to Helena. 
I go about a year or more between knitting projects so I'm always relearning and so here's to hoping that it turns out okay.

I wanted to write about these kids of mine. I used to cringe solo bedtime so much with them. There was always so much to do with them and no one was ever happy and it was gnashing of teeth. I just couldn't handle it. The last two times I've done it, I'm not sure if I just let go of expectations, or that they finally understand their routine with me but somehow it's not been cringe worthy. 
In fact tonight I really wanted to smile at my kids and tell them I loved them instead of begrudgingly doing it.

I think the one difference is they are older, Ben's nearing 5, Ephraim 3.5 and Helena 1. Now the baby is still little but somehow, having the bigger two makes her not seem as hard. Maybe because they love her so much, who knows. And today she was hard. She barely napped and instead cried and bit me all day. Teething much anyone?

Anyway, to anyone contemplating a third, I'm now at a point where I can say it's worth it. It's so hard some days, but it's also that much better other days. It's helped me let go of so many false expectations I had before, it's helped me see what I really need for myself and it's just stretched me in a good way. I knew from a good friend who had her three and now has a fourth that three would be hard, but I could see that she also saw the amazing dynamic of it all too. That kept me going this past year, so thank you Clare if you read this.

And now, now I enjoy the silence of three sleeping children. Even if it only lasts a little while with the baby the way she is today.

For Life

Today is the day that is always a hard one.  I can remember the second time I marched in the March for Life in DC and the suffering that was occurring at the same time. You see, I had just found out that I was pregnant not too long before I was set to go on the bus trip to the march.  But alongside the joy, I knew something wasn't right, I was bleeding.  As I went to the march my mind was a mess, but I carried on, maybe aloof, but nonetheless carried on, because I didn't want to process.  I had gone in for blood work a few times before and was awaiting results, though honestly I already knew them.  I just didn't want to accept it. I wanted this...a baby... to be pregnant.  So I kept it all in and marched, miscarrying a baby all the while. It sucked.

I was not in the place where I dealt with things at the time though, so on I went, sleeping on a hard gym floor with a bunch of teenagers fighting for life, miscarrying my first baby. I don't think I told a lot of people for a while, I just didn't.  Instead, a few months later, I bawled my eyes out at a mass where I knew no one except my husband and Jesus. It was so needed. I finally understood that I loved that tiny person that I never really even got to know.

So I wanted to say something profound about life, about people mattering, because they all do.  This baby that I barely knew that seemed to be doomed from the start did matter.  I may not have understood then anywhere close to what he or she meant, but he mattered. I think these experiences, the ones that a person doesn't fully process at the time do build our character. I think maybe this experience does say a lot about me, that I am full of fear, of appearing to be off centered or just not okay.  I'm working on that.

I have grown in my understanding of love since then, I don't think it means that I am any bit more okay than I was then.  But I think that I'm more okay with being vulnerable.  And that's kind of what love does, it makes us vulnerable.  And bringing another life into the world, that is vulnerability at its finest.  With this vulernability comes suffering and through that suffering we learn to love. Love is always worth it.  Life if always worth it.  And so we march, or march by proxy or just take a stand and a chance on love. The joy that love will bring is so much greater than we can imagine.

Being Kind to Self

There's a crazy sea turtle Lake Erie Monster guy coming to get disheveled me! AHHH!

I'm going to be honest with you all. I don't shower everyday.  I just don't see the need to, plus its winter and there's this thing called eczema that shows up when I shower too much and I have curly hair that hates being over washed. I just don't need to shower every day so I don't.  I do still shower, its just not an every day thing.

For a lot of people showering is something that says that they are taking care of themselves. For me its other things, and I have been thinking about them because when it comes down to it I haven't been good about doing them regularly.  Maybe its winter, maybe its being the mom of 3 small kids, maybe its just me forgetting about me. Maybe its because this was the example I was given or just that I am lazy.  Whatever is the case, it has got to stop.

I need to take care of me. Because after all, and this is a big revelation guys, really, I am a person.  And those little people, while they are people too, they need to see me taking care of myself so that they can see how respect for oneself really comes about.  

To others, this can mean something different, but for me I think this means putting in contacts most days and dressing in an actual put together outfit.  No sweats or pajamas. And I'm going to go a little crazy here, but for me I also think it means putting a little flare with some make-up too.  Not crazy makeup, but guys I went to check out my one tube of mascara I had today, and guess what? It was all dried up.  Really.  So I carted everyone out to a store post library trip and bought some. When I went out for a girls dinner night tonight with a friend, I actually felt like a person.  A person!  

I have to do other things for me too, like well, exercising. My head functions better if I get out for a long walk or shorter run at least 3 times a week.  I also need to pray daily, and talk to one adult during the day, and eat healthily but those things are mostly routine now so I'm okay there, but they can fall off track due to illness and such so its good to remind myself of their need too.  

And here is the reason I think this is all important: Its because if I like me, the me I see in the mirror, and I am doing my best to be me, not pulling me apart unnecessarily, but actually taking care of myself, I think I can actually take on the day and have a fighting chance at enjoying the heck out ofmy kids and my vocation. God's grace is definitely still key, but I think if I don't even have all my cards in the ring to use the his grace, I'm going to struggle even more.  So today, today I started new, and well, I like it, I like it a lot. 

12 in 2014

12 photos for 2014. One for each month.  Well I broke the rule for that a few times, but eh, it was hard to choose.  Other times I feel like I probably included one thing but forgot another, but here goes. 

JANUARY

It was so cold this past winter, that Ben made it a habit of eating his breakfast next to the powerful heat vent in the kitchen.

FEBRUARY

We added a new member in our family this year, and of the boys, Ben was the most excited to meet his baby sister.

MARCH

Ben turned 4 about a week after his sister was born.  He is such a birthday fan, and honestly I felt terrible that i really failed at giving him a party because well I just had had a baby.  Thankfully my mom stepped in and made this amazing cake for him. Helena was baptized at the tail end of month and it was small but lovely.  

APRIL

The boys wanted so much to incorporate their baby sister into their lives and it especially showed in April with these two photos.

MAY

May started our actual abilities to be outside again after the Frozen winter. This was May Day where we went around collecting flowers for Mary.  Ephraim's flowers are squished inside his fist and Benjamin's make a perfect bouquet, a personality difference for sure.

JUNE

Ephraim loves his sister a little roughly.  He's making sure she is a tomboy by the age of 1. This is one of our many library trips that we took, followed by one of our many summer ice cream trips.  We are suckers for the local ice cream shops in Cleveland.  This photo is from the Mitchell's that opened on W. 25th near the West Side Market this year.

JULY

Edel, Oh Edel.  So much fun, so many memories.  I anticipated it so much that I was sure it would be a letdown, but it wasn't and instead exceeded my expectations, and I had a 5mo in tow. 

AUGUST

We spend as much time outside as possible, and drawing on our driveway is a favorite of the boys. Barefoot in the sun, a perfect reminder of August.

SEPTEMBER

With September being back to school month, we end up doing a lot of post office runs to sell old text books.  This is our tunnel that leads to our post office from the corresponding parking lot, and the boys love it.

 OCTOBER

We grew pumpkins and enjoyed fall with our hay bale from our local raspberry patch. So much harvest fun.

NOVEMBER

Despite Keith changing jobs, his work let him take his previously scheduled family vacation to Nashville where we caught up with old friends and visited with family.  

DECEMBER

Sometimes, the days are very long with three under five.  This is a moment caught in the madness and yet it makes me smile, because I realize that these kids are full of love too. 

For more 12 in 2014, check out the linkup with Dwija at House Unseen. 

When

It seems there is always a constant reflection of self in motherhood. Your children mimic you in good and bad habits. It seems to go along with it everyone has some expert parenting advice. We analyze it all, and to the analytic that I am it becomes a little much.

I am not saying that we shouldn't strive for great children and great self. But sometimes it feels like we want a formula to produce a good kid. The thing is from the parents of many and older kids it seems like there isn't one, so why be fooled in thinking there is one. 

I think I can so easily pull apart this characteristic or that, to take this picture or that. But I fail to just be and to know. To really look in my child's eyes and just really see them and be with them and just be there.

I think I'm so guilty of always caring what someone may think of me in my way I interact with my kids that I fail to engage in the way I should. I want to blame social media for it. But at the same time I could just put it down. Why the need for the constant validation? I don't know.

So I think I'm going to challenge myself to put it all away in the sense that I don't know all the answers but I'm learning each day. Do I need some validation at times, sure. But I think the incessant amount in my life may be too much.

I want to be real and not live in fear. Fear is not from God after all and I only want things that come from Him. Yes, I will reconcile when wrong, but I want to really work on true relationship, not seeing the little people as projects but as little unique people to be loved. Because in the end nothing else matters.

Stuck... Finally unstuck?

I read a Patheos post a few weeks ago and shared it on FB. I have to admit it was snarky and probably threw a lot of people off that know me on the surface. I think though it had some points and overall, I liked it.
First off, I want to say this is coming from my own experience. If I offend someone I'm sorry, but I need to put this all together so it's out of my head.

I once went to a Bible study for women at the church I was part of at the time. Most if not all the women at the study were 15 years or more older than me. The topic came up of work life and how women were oppressed in this measure. Essentially, the women's liberation in the work place movement. At the time, I really couldn't think of a time that I had been oppressed and I was a science grad student. It was really weird for me to fathom anything different because at the time all the doors had been opened for me. I mean sciences seek out women because it makes them look more well rounded or better and I was one of those women that benefited from this.

When it came to education I could have as much as I wanted as long as I applied myself and did the work. I could do that. But somewhere in there I chose to be a stay at home mom post PhD. I got the degree but wanted a different life. And there I still am today. I have been told countless times that I should be doing something else with my life in the sense that I'm wasting my education, but I'd still choose this gig any day.

When I finished my degree and truly was at home, I had a hard time. My world was upside down. Honestly, as hard as it's been it's been really good for me. After 4 years, I can actually cook from scratch more often than not. I can knit and fashion out a lot out of duct tape and glue. I go back and forth on what is the best way to keep my house nice, but essentially I can keep it in running order.

When I was a grad student and essentially going to work in the lab for long hours each day, there was much talk of what I would do post schooling. Professors thought I would be a professor, others thought I should at least keep my head in the game and do something part time. I knew deep down I wanted to be at home, and some folks let me know that was a frivolous pursuit if I actually told them this truth.  Others said my career was done for if I had children. It was the opposite side of the liberation movement, at least in my experience. A few people really were supportive and I thank them for that. They were the ones that got me through the transition.

The real thing is though, I'm not sure if it's the Internet's fault or if it's the progression of society, but it's definitely been so much harder for me to be a stay-at-home mom day in and day out than getting a PhD was. I essentially love what I'm doing the hard parts and all, but man somehow the filling of sippy cups and the changing of diapers and keeping up with the messes is so much more challenging. Maybe it's the actual guiding the children in their learning, but I felt entirely unprepared going into this motherhood thing.

I'm not sure if we really can be prepared for motherhood, but I wonder if more could be done to connect us with others going through similar things and definitely somehow learn practical life things before adulthood. I learned a decent amount of things because well being 1 of 4 kids, there were chores, but I didn't really get to learn the domestic arts because they weren't stressed. I could cook from a box but that was it.

I want to change the cycle with my own children. I probably won't do it perfectly, but I at least want to try. I do think a lot of policy in society doesn't really allow for a good work life balance. When it comes to really wanting women to be science, I think instead of throwing pink science toys at young girls which aren't reality at all, present the real thing and real life applications. And when they are a twenty-something in the throws of science or some other awesome career, maybe actually allow them to take a full year off or have work from home allowances, be kind to them when they do start a family or heck, give them paid maternity leave.

I feel like we are so focused on our economy and it might not be individually so, but policy forces us to be that we forget that family and the little moments really matter, the time spent with them. Now, I admit to being one extreme with the homeschooling stay at home mom semi crafter, but I do think others more in the middle may be able to identify here.

Its not a perfect world we live in, we all know that, but I think we can do better with how women are treated in roles of family and work. Maybe the pendulum has gone to the extreme one way and is slowly swinging back. Maybe sewing and homemaking will make a resurgence from the few that have kept those things going. I don't know, but I pray it will be better for my daughter as an adult to have a family and choose what line of work she wants, whether it to be at home or be a senator or a museum curator, instead of worse.

Expectations are a peace killer

I went into today knowing I would be taking three kids to mass solo for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. I was even a bit grumpy about it, because it seemed unfair.  "Why should I have to take all of them myself?" I thought. I was creating a hard time for myself in my head even though it didn't exist yet in action. You see I have this expectation to myself that I have to have well behaved kids in mass.  I have had single 20 somethings or actually groups of adults move from sitting in front of us on me for my kids being loud to them aka kids.  We don't have a cry room though and for that I'm thankful. Now, I do remove them to the vestibule if they actually cry but normal babble, as much as we work on whisper voices, happens.
So today, today I did pack up some extra things I wouldn't normally have because mass was over lunch time, snacks and coloring sheets that were themed for today (bonus points right?). But still, I was up, down, left and right for a good portion of the mass besides the normal up and down that comes with the mass. Chew toys fell and little boys wandered and siblings blew raspberries at each other. Poor Helena who probably needed to be fed didn't, but she was a trooper and didn't complain.
At the end of mass, two women actually commented positively on my kids, which I wasn't expecting.  The one woman totally threw me off my game though.  She said she had four children of her own, and two of them were autistic. She then told me it made her so happy to hear my kids and their babble despite the normal expectation of people wanting kids to be quiet in mass.  She said because she knows what a gift it is to have children who can communicate, each time a kid ''talks" in mass she sees it as a blessing.
This stole my heart.
My pride before this had taken away my heart feeling like my kids needed to fit into a box, but I think Jesus had her speak to me today to destroy that expectation of my kids needing be silent always in mass.  I mean, realistically, how is that even possible with 3 kids under 5 years of age?
I remember a conversation with a twitter friend about cry rooms and a certain expectation, this exact one that I just described, having the kids be silent.  Its not real though, people are people and life happens. Jesus is there, he meets us there whether it be in the chaos of three small children or some other life situation. He is there.  While the ideal is certainly something to strive for, the journey is important to, and right now this where I am at, 3 small people at mass sometimes by myself. Letting go of the expectation of perfection at this point is the only way I am going to find peace, and I am going to try my best to be okay with that.

7 quick takes.

Hi ya'll.  Just some quick takes from the week. Hope you are off to a great start to your weekend.

1. I finally got a hair cut. Last one was in July, it was definitely time. I fit into my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans too today, I'm calling that a double win.

2. Its the night that St. Nicholas comes!!!!  So we have been reading his story to prepare and now we have the shoes all lined up...in the fireplace as per request of Benjamin.

3. Benjamin swallowed a nickel on Wednesday, and its already through to the intestines, but to which one we don't know, and when it will come out is all a waiting game.  Why he swallowed it?  He claims he was hiding the coin from his brother.

4. To go with my allergy kids, apparently Helena didn't want to miss out on the action.  She reacted badly to a cooked carrot with a light soy based sauce on it.  Ezcema/ instant blotchiness.  She was not amused to say the least and now we will be entering the soy free journey.  Any tips for good soy free products are appreciated, its hidden in a lot of things. 

5. Some friends came over today and her daughter said it was the best day, and all they did was make one huge lego mess in our basement with my boy cohorts.  So I guess Elizabeth Foss is right, messes are blessings. 

6. I'm beta reading Emmy's sequel to her debut novel. You can check out the debut novel on amazon here. It might make a good electronic stocking stuffer. 

7. We made a sidecar full crib for Helena and it just seems like its the change we needed.  Sleep is better and worries are less. I no longer feel like the girl in this video as much...

Check out more Quick Takes at This Ain't the Lyceum

Saying Yes to God

I asked my husband tonight how I'm saying yes to God. After some banter, he said by sitting here late with your little guy that napped so that he won't be lonely. And that is true. I always ask him things like this and he's pretty good at telling me like it is.

At the same time, something did come to mind to me in my yes to God and his grace journey. It's just a little not like me.

 Today I had a physical therapy appointment. You probably wouldn't know that there is anything wrong with me. I mean honestly for most things I function pretty highly. I'm not limping, or incapacitated mostly and for that I'm grateful. I went to physical therapy, because I knew something was off. My hips had been bothering me and it turned out that I was validated in thinking things were not as they were to be. My right hip was turned ever so slightly and it made my leg be longer on the one side. I also learned that I have basically no lower core strength. The result of 3 blessings in 5 years, and while I love them, and I do say yes to taking care of them daily, I needed to say yes to taking care of myself. Some mothers may do this better than others, but for me this took me a while to set up this appointment and really follow through. 

So, I'm hoping that the exercises I do really help and the back pain diminishes. I have 3 more appointments and I'm kind of looking forward to them. Oddly I love the PT environment, I've been in PT 5 or so times prior do to soccer injuries and I always enjoy the challenge. I want to continue to be able to function fully as a mama and just as myself too. I almost think of this as being something long run like so that if we are called to have more kiddos, my body can actually handle it and not break down. 

How have you said yes to God and his grace today?