Some more contemplation

 I have been awake for over an hour, earlier than I usually awake. But that happens sometimes in this state in my life. Because I am awake, I have been trying to understand a differing opinion than my own that I heard the other day. It may have just been yesterday, I honestly don't have the greatest concept of time in pandemic life. So here it goes anyway.

A person stated that their spiritual health is more important than their physical health because they will eventually die anyway. I am trying to comprehend this. I know as a Catholic, outward signs of inner graces are very important to one's faith. You have the Eucharist, Confession, baptism and just all the smells and bells that go along with Catholicism. Having Jesus present in these outward signs is amazing and not to be taken for granted or shoved out completely. I think where I am struggling with this type of statement about spiritual health is that it disregards other in these times of pandemic. That the second commandment that Jesus taught us somehow gets thrown out the window. 

Yes spiritual health is important. I am definitely not saying that it's not. But I think in these times its misconstrued. That sense of entitlement that one must have an all access pass at all times to all the sacraments. Perhaps we as a society don't even understand how our sense of individuality has colored how we think of spiritual health. That as long as I am good, then the rest doesn't matter. 

God is not a safe God, Yes, we know this. He challenges us to do dangerous things when its for the good of another, and perhaps at times for our own life. Perhaps though, there is somehow something skewed in our American pandemic spiritual health thinking. Is it instead possible to experience God in ways that are unknown to one? That prior to pandemic we became comfortable to having God one way, almost on our terms. Is it possible that we are being called to experience him in different ways right now? To maybe identify with those that don't get to have access to the sacraments daily or weekly or even monthly. Recently, I read a book on the life of Saint Damien of Mokolai. He was unable to participate in the sacrament of confession for long stretches of his life as he served the people of Mokolai. And at one point when he finally saw his superior bring out supplies to the island on which he was serving, he had to scream out his confession to God in another language than those around him knew. He so badly wanted to receive this grace. The one thing though was that he was patient with his circumstances. He knew he was doing hard things, things that were really tough, that his health would deteriorate, but he was doing it for another. 

Honestly, its a complicated thing this pandemic. Yes we should be keeping others well being a priority, Jesus said to love one another. There are many facets to what that includes. However, what is our motivation. Is it to make us feel better? Or is it because we really truly want to put another ahead of ourselves? There wasn't as much known about disease spread in earlier centuries. In times like the plague, when Kristin Lavransdatter fictionally existed, she went head first into caring for the sick and burying the dead without any precautions. They just didn't have them. When Saint Damien lived on Mokolai, they didn't have fresh running water so he had to make access, so disease was rampant. Saint Damien didn't risk others lives though, he risked his own. I honestly think that's a big distinction in these pandemic times. 

Doctors and dentists and clerks and teachers are risking their own lives for the greater good. But is the person that refuses to change up what they are doing and shouts "I will only live free", are they motivated by Jesus's love? Or are the motivated by there want for a sense of normalcy? Are they just trying to run away from suffering? Suffering is unavoidable, and ultimately it brings us closer to Jesus. When we hear the cries of those downtrodden do we ignore them and say this isn't what it used to be or we are past this, or do we listen and ask what do they need to feel loved? 

God is always there, perhaps remembering that can bring you through uncertainty. That in this week of joy in Advent, that maybe our joy is in that we are never alone even if people have abandoned us. That God is there, and perhaps calling us to make sacrifices for him and another, well that again is joy and perhaps we can rise to the occasion, not abandoning our spiritual health, but increasing it. 

Wrap around

I'm trying to wrap my head around the things we will be doing this year with travel.  They are all good things.  They really are.  I just struggle with the anxiety of not being in my element of home at times,  so it brings new challenges.  I like predictable things.  One may laugh,  as I have four children and they are never predictable, but I do like to have things be familiar.
This year,  its different a bit.  We have three big trips planned.  One to middle TN, one to Indianapolis and for Stella and I one to Germany/Iceland/France. I want to say I can do all these things with flying colors,  but the truth is I can't.  I am going to be relying on a whole lot of God's grace to get me through.  They are things that stretch me to be who I am not normally, an adaptable person.  Which is funny,  because I think to the outside world,  perhaps I think I come off this way, adaptable.  But maybe it's just that I want to know more of who God is and I am trying to trust that he's got me like he's got all the birds.  I'm being held through it all. 
So I make these plans and jump,  because I am a jumper.  Despite my wanting to control and be inn n the familiar, I know I'll only grow by taking these risks outside my comfort zone.  And even if its hard,  God is there. It's something I'm often learning and I need to not forget.  He will always show up and it won't always be easy but he is there always in love always ready for a hug.

Ups and downs and prayers

I'm 34. Relatively that's still young.  Sometimes, though, I'm amazed at how much has happened in the past few years. I'm sometimes caught in between sorrow for the hurt and glee for the happy.

The other day I bought a ticket to see a friend who moved across the pond to Germany with her little family.  It brought so much happiness and it was just a crazy moment of the fact that I am going and doing something I never thought I would be doing any time soon. The expense seemed too much. The leaving the family too much.  But a friend and I and the baby we are traveling together in the fall to visit this dear friend together, and I hope we have some good adventures around the continent together.

I'm terrified to be traveling with a 18 month old overseas, but at the same time I think its going to be one of those experiences where I am stretched in a very good way.  Where I learn to be more go with the flow and less rigid with myself.  Where I learn about the always caring hand of God in my sleeplessness and unfamiliarity. I'm excited and I hope to be less terrified as the time comes.  Come Holy Spirit.

Just a few days after this, a friend had a stroke.  A friend that was part of our 4 family Destination Imagination co-op and it was just shocking.  I had just seen her 4 days earlier and she was fine. I'm struggling with what to say here. Perhaps because I know in tragedy, its so easy to say the wrong thing and so I won't say that I own this, there are people, her children, her husband that are hurting so much. They are loved and we are praying, but I think so much day in and day out we take our people for granted without even knowing it.  And when something like this happens, it opens our eyes to see how each life has value. How she is someone significant to her family, to us to other friends.  She makes us know the love of God through her life.

At the last DI meeting, we were helping the children hash out what the storyline of their play was to be.  And so my oldest was drawing and narrating his version to this friend.  She sat there so patiently taking down his narration.  She didn't bat an eye at his crazy, probably Ninjago themed, version of the play beginning. She just was who God wanted her to be at the moment.  She's often told me that I'm level headed and creative, but then I look at her with her extreme willingness to let the children express herself in whatever way they can and I think she has something there.  Perhaps its a Martha and Mary thing. Perhaps, I am a Martha.  In many contexts I am, perhaps this is why our co-op works.  But I'm thankful for her.  She's got a willing heart, a patient heart and I'm thankful to know her.

She's stable now and out of a coma, but needs a major surgery to correct the issue and God willing if it goes okay will be a long recovery. If you would like to partake in a spiritual bouquet for her, email me at kiera.kurak@gmail.com and I will give you the details.

A baby that likes to be held

I've had one of these before. A baby that likes to be held constantly. That will only sleep when touching you. I know this brand of baby. Sometimes I'm bitter about it, sometimes it tries my patience and I need to leave the house by myself. Thankfully, my husband can and will accommodate this. We love her this baby, and I know she won't need me like this forever. For now, we are here.

I think that actually having this type of baby helps me to see that my worth doesn't depend on my productivity. Because if it did, I would be goner right now. I am stuck when she naps and I am stuck when she goes down for the night. So I sit and I knit or I read or I read to the kids. But I can't clean the house and I can't do a lot of active things.  Sometimes, if she needs a nap in the afternoon I will strap her to my back and we will walk around the neighborhood. And it is okay.

My intention is not to complain about this sweet girl of mine, but just to say how she is. She reminds me of her older brother who wanted to be carried until he was almost 4. He is still probably the best smuggler I know. Well, except for maybe this sweet girl.  But I think it definitely has taken time to adjust to her being this variety of baby. My last, I think, just needed me differently, so its an adjustment for sure.

She is amazingly sweet and I love that she is at the stage that me drinking something while she is held is of utmost excitement to her. Me grabbing a snack, well, to her that's an invitation to share.  And if I did by chance put her down and have her be content, for sure she will crawl to find me and call, "ma, ma, ma, ma" until I respond.

Sometimes I will put her down and she will then find my pant leg and she will pull herself up on it and then I am left being stationary from the waist down but trying to move the upper half of me around the kitchen to prepare food for the family. It's actually quite entertaining. And if I'm in the right mood, it makes me laugh.

Babies don't keep and soon enough she will be like her second eldest brother so very independent, who once was like her in her neediness. And so I am writing this to remember her and to try my best to love and enjoy her as a gift from God.

New Years Resolutions

The year ends and a new one begins. Its time for resolutions. We went to a friend's party this evening as a family and on the way home I told the kids that usually when a new year begins people make resolutions. So here is what the kids came up with:

Stella - the big kids agreed that she is to learn to walk and talk in the new year.

Helena - she said she would get her own cereal bowl in the mornings

Ephraim - that he would get his own cereal bowl and spoon in the mornings,

Ben - To say Helena correctly.

And for the adults:

Keith: Read 20 books, blog 15 times

Kiera : journal or blog at least weekly. Read 20 books. Celebrate the little things more as I got the word Toast as my word of the year. I think this is a really good word for me as I need to work on thanksgiving more and this feels like it is in that realm. I also got the Saint Wenceslaus as my saint for the year so I am hoping to learn from him and to invoke his intercession often.

The kids love saints and so I think tomorrow I will generate a Saint for the year for each of them too. For those of you interested in a Saint name for the year or an inspirational word head here.

Joy in the child

As Mother Teresa was canonized yesterday, the quote of hers that came to mind was the following:

“How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” -St. Mother Teresa

I have always loved this quote, but struggled with it too. However, there is truth here, and I am learning to live it daily. 

When I was pregnant with Noel, I struggled so much with what others might think of a fourth child.  I know I shouldn't have let it bug me, but I did.  There were some people that I still let into influence my thinking at the time that weren't positive about another child.  And in fact sometimes weren't really positive about the ones I already had.  Honestly, this type of thinking stemmed way back to 10 years ago when I was engaged to my now husband, and I'm sure even before. You see, I let in counsel to someone I trusted, and the one objection to me converting to Catholicism along with marrying my husband was that, "those Catholics, they just have so many children." I didn't have the background that celebrated children as always being a gift, instead they were financial burdens or things to fit in to a narcissistic life. 

But Noel, despite my internal battle was a gift, a true gift in so many ways.  I remember the time I told my students about him and just the absolute joy they had in celebrating a new life was amazing. I don't think I'll ever forget that day because honestly, I don't think I've ever experienced that much joy from someone else about something/someone in my life.  It really was eye opening. 

And then as I sometimes struggle with my kids and their well, being kid like, I was upset about something that my one son did in the presence of another teacher.  Later talking with that teacher he recanted it in a positive manner, one which again celebrated the life the gift that the child was instead of a sum of his faults. 

Recently, a dear friend kept witnessing my crying so much at church this past summer, because for some reason the Holy Spirit just brings the tears there, the much needed tears. She gave me a note and a dear little painted heart shaped rock, with the words "Jesus wept". Oh so appropriate words they were and are. My friend remembered my dear little baby, this baby that only was with us for so long.  My friend didn't judge one bit about timing or family size, but loved and saw that I loved, and for this I am so grateful. 

You see, I think to this point I didn't think that there really was a place where every life could be really celebrated in its entirety. I was broken and couldn't see it, I couldn't see it in the people around me, I instead always felt judged or judged myself.  I think its odd to say that death has brought an understanding of joy, but yet somehow I think it is so for me.  I think seeing people have authentic joy over life has been one of many lessons little Noel has fruitfully taught me. And in that joy, I feel like I can finally understand more about gratitude. And while I know there is thanks in the suffering, I think the thanks in the joy, this, this has been missing for me, and I am so very grateful to be learning this now. 

There is more, but I will save that for another time. 

Fitting

I was driving home from visiting a friend today with the kids when I saw the cemetery and decided that I needed to visit. I was supposed to visit yesterday but didn't.  So at the last moment I got off at the exit and went. There was a new monument right in front of Noel's grave, a crucifix, and no it wasn't for Noel. I honestly don't know the reason its there yet, but it seemed fitting.  I went today and cried yet again, and none of the kids wanted to visit today so I left the hang out by the car. But it was good to be there alone, even if my attention was divided.

You see there are little things, little moments that sometimes give me glimpses of grace and other times they are bits of sufferings. Both, well both share in Jesus, and thats grief journey I'm on, both part of my cross as I was reminded today on my visit.

My oldest in his 6 year old grief has basically uttered one sentiment for his lost sibling. He didn't get to know what he liked.  And if I sit with this for a minute, I tear up, because in his limited understanding of life and death, he understands so much. It is sad that we didn't get to know him, and while I am glad to have an intercessor in heaven, I am sad about not knowing him too.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were able to have dinner and chat and she theorized that maybe so many Catholics end up with miscarriages because they need intercessors to help them get through this life as a Catholic. A while I'm not sure about the theology of it all, I do know that I do have two intercessors in heaven now, and as I thought about it today, I realized just how hard it really is at times and how much of a grace it is to have people in heaven praying for our family.

Because I had traveled this road before, I struggled with knowing that I had to go through all that losing a child entails yet again.  At times it seems harder, but other times, its odd and it feels like maybe its a grace pause.  Like for so long I have been working on either being working towards something or being afraid of a new life coming too soon, that this time where I know I can't do anything about it, I get to step back and see what's in front of me in a new light.

So whether it be that I am reminded of losing Noel through my hair falling out or other effects of my hormones, I'm thankful that I got to know him and love him for as long as I did.  I already think he's interceding and making me stronger and for that I'm thankful.

Two weeks later

I'm still sad.  I still don't get to bring a live baby home, but life has returned to its normal amount of chaos at least for the children. Driving is hard if I'm by myself, because by myself, I think and I sob.

This week we got the pathology report and learned it was a placenta separation issue, and that sent me spiraling for a bit.  I want to say that I won't have this fear of a repeat next time around if there is a next time but I know somewhere it will be there.

Some things that are different now, heat doesn't bother me like it would if I was pregnant. I get to teach a full class of chemistry next fall. I may consider starting Ephraim with kindergarten this year since he's a borderline birthday and he's interested anyway.  I don't feel pressured by myself to give up nursing the toddler.  She nurses minimally, but somehow that is comforting.  Someone is still growing by me.

I think that this tragedy is helping me to figure out boundaries a bit more.  I realize I'm vulnerable and I need to turn off the people who could hurt me right now.  The people that think I need to be all better now or not be sad, the people that need to explain instead of just sitting and listening or just being there.

I'm thankful for this greater sense of church that has come about in this whole experience.  As a convert who came with a lot of baggage, this sense that people can actually be there for you is amazing.  The fact that people actually care about you and pray for you and send you cards and meals and will take your kids for the day because you can't figure out life, its just really good. It makes the hurt and loss just a little more bearable. Thank-you all.

And lastly, I think because this whole experience brings up all the feelings from 7 years ago when I lost my first baby who we named Edmund where I miscarried in a stadium bathroom. I'm thankful that I have a place to go visit Noel and be still. I need that. There's a lot of chaos in my mind still but going there helps me to know that God is watching out for me and for my little family.

So I sift and I wait and I pray to trust in the slow work of God, because that is what is going to get me through.

Bury the dead

I definitely didn't think I would be doing this particular act of mercy in this year of mercy, to bury the dead.  And yet somehow I am.  And maybe, maybe this feels like a bit, because well it was just a little baby, not more than 3-4 inches long. Just a little over 13 weeks along when he was delivered. I delivered him and saw him, this little tiny person, so beautiful so st peace, so unaware of the turmoil constantly inside his mama's head. So, this what I need to do, what our family needs to do.  Because this little one, even though so little was already so loved.  And I can't imagine it any other way. Tomorrow, we bury him.  We named him Noel. Our little Noel Kurak, we love you so much.

St. Noel Chabanel was man that struggled with so many things as an early settler to North America. He couldn't handle the new environment very well, and yet he knew he was there, and he didn't know if his circumstances would change any time soon, so he decided to follow the will of God anyway, even though it was tough.  Oddly he said this and then was martyred the next day, but he didn't know that was going to happen.

Somehow this reminds me of our little saint now in heaven. Because for a long time on the inside I was grappling with this pregnancy, some things were said to me that were like a knife in my heart, and so I wasn't wanting to shout with joy that I was carrying new life, and so I kept coming back to this Saint, because he was in tough times but saw God's greater hand at work. I'm not sure I ever really came to grips with everything 100% before tragedy struck, but I think that's gotta be okay. It's where I was at, God was there with me in my struggle. And maybe that's what I need to see in this overall,  in this loss of a life that I never get to see grow up.  God is here, even if I don't understand it.  Even if its painful and sad and is long and is going to take a lot of time to heal, he is here. And because he is here, I can do his will.

And so tomorrow we bury our son, so little, so loved, so precious to us. I don't want to be doing this, I want to still be growing a baby, but this is God's will for me, for our family, and I am going to find him in the sadness of it all.

Book Review: Divine Mercy for Moms

Over the Christmas season, I had the opportunity to read the book Divine Mercy for Moms, Sharing the Lessons of St. Faustina by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet.

With this year being the Year of Mercy as declared by Pope Francis, so many things seem to be divinely popping up as opportunities to practice and learn mercy. This book was one of those occurrences.  As I read this book, I felt like a wealth of information was bestowed upon me in a good way. 

As a convert, when I read books like this, I am reminded at the vastness of the Catholic faith and how much there is to learn in every single aspect of it.  It never gets old.  I had never encountered the story of St. Faustina before, and divine mercy in itself was a new concept to me other than it being something I caught in passing or glossed over.  This book did a great job recalling the life of the Saint and really taking the wisdom she shared from her life and applying it our lives today.  The authors were able to take it even one step further and take aspects from their own lives and reflect on the divine mercy in them based on St. Faustina's wisdom. 

When I was reading this book, there was a social media squabble on children at mass, and how they did or did not have a right to be there.  Spoiler alert: They do. Divine Mercy for Moms gave a great example for this case, and actually for any circumstance that we are feeling that someone else is causing us to not draw closer to God, but is a distraction.  St. Faustina as a sister would pray in the chapel with the other sisters and was positioned close to another nun that happened to make a lot of noise while she prayed.  St. Faustina thought about saying something to the other sister, but she realized by doing so she would make her conscience of something that would just cause hurt with no resolution.  Instead, St. Faustina learned to pray through the distraction, and because of it grew in grace abundantly. I loved this so much for many reasons, one being that as a mom, its so easy to get bogged down in blaming the kids and mess of life for a poor spiritual life when really we just need a change in perspective, and two it helps us to realize that we need to see others whether they be our children or just a particularly challenging person as people that are children of God and to pray for them to be aware of God's mercy just the same. 

This book presented the corporal and spiritual works of mercy and along with them gave amazing practical examples for which to carry them out.  My favorite one was to pray a chaplet of divine Mercy while making dinner for my family.  My spiritual advisor was pointing out to me the other day just how much of motherhood is doing these acts of mercy, but a lot of times we just are not aware of doing them.  Divine Mercy for Moms gave really practical ways to see this and to try to be aware of God's presence in our everyday.  The authors even went above and beyond and gave outreach examples of the works of mercy, such as handing out water bottles on a hot day to "give drink to the thirsty".  

Divine Mercy for Moms is a book that I feel like is multi-faceted, as it can be a reference book for prayers, and living out mercy, or to be a spiritual refresher or awakener in the mercy department.  It's set up to either do as a personal study but could also be a really great book for a group discussion.  All I know is that I definitely have to read this book again because as I said earlier there is just so much to it that its hard to soak it all up in one reading.  

The authors have set up a website for their book Divine Mercy for Moms. com and I recommend it as its full of great resources that were mentioned in the book but also serves as point to connect with other moms.  You can get some great ideas on how to really live out the works of mercy either from other moms or from the resource links that were mentioned in the book.  Either way its a win-win.

So I hope that you are able to use this book as a way to learn and begin to carry out mercy in your life.  You may be already be merciful in your daily walk and not even know it. But this is a a five star book in helping you to recognize God's mercy and we really all could use more of that. 

Lent

I think yesterday I voiced that I don't like Ash Wednesday, and honestly its for all the wrong reasons. But I think me saying that made me be honest with myself and realize that I am uncomfortable on this day. I struggle so much with this feeling that maybe its a lead up to some of the things I am needing to work through in this Lent in order to grow closer to Jesus.  It's funny one of the objections I got from protestants about becoming Catholic was that most Catholics they knew didn't take their faith seriously and they thought I would be stunted in my growth as a Christian.  But if there is one thing I have learned while being Catholic is that if you actually look into and follow what the church teaches it feels impossible not to grow.  There is always something to learn, and some way to grow and that is  I think because there is such a liturgical ebb and flow of things that it allows for creativity of the individual growth within.

So when I look at why I don't like Ash Wednesday, a lot of it stems from me being afraid.  Ash Wednesday is a day where we say to God that in spite of all the pains and sufferings of this life want to grow closer to Jesus.  It says that we actually want to make that step. And thats an uncomfortable place to be sometimes, because it makes us look at all our bits that we know are hindering our relationship with God.  At least it should be. I mean I used to be the kid that gave up donuts because well I honestly don't like donuts, and so it was easy to do.

But this year, I'm not giving up social media, something I normally felt like I should do.  But I think, I finally have found a place for it, so its not going away for me.  And I'm not calling out the people that did or didn't.  Either way its between you and God and I am just going to try my best to give you mercy either way.  But this year, I am realizing where I struggle most is in being okay with being me. Which in turn makes perfect sense why I struggle with Ash Wednesday so much.  Because, Ash Wednesday forces me to be blatantly Catholic and turn myself to Jesus.  And being in fear of being me is definitely an obstacle to growing closer to Jesus.

So this year, this year I am giving up saying "I'm Sorry" incessantly.  I apologize for who I am and the choices I make because I am in fear of someone disagreeing or disliking me.  It's silly when you look at it from the outside, but its a habit I've conditioned myself with and I am owning up to it.

In my praying, I'm working on really understanding forgiveness, because I think I first need to be better at letting go of my own mistakes and then also there are some key players that I need to keep working on forgiving as well. And I'm also going try and figure out more of my strengths and be more comfortable in my own two shoes.

And in my giving, I think I am just going to try and be as generous as I can be with charities, but also be more gracious in general. If I do slip up with the "I'm sorry" bit, then each time I do a charity will get a dollar. I'm expecting many slip ups because, well, I've been partaking in this habit for years!

So, its a heavy Lent, but I'm up for the challenge.  Even if I don't accomplish all these things in 40 days, I know I will at least make a little bit of progress in them.

How are you growing closer to Jesus this Lenten season?

Sick with croup?  Inventing tape ashes. :)

Nursing My Toddler

I've nursed two toddlers before this current one, and each one has been different.  Each has been his own story, his own personality, his own circumstance to come with it. Weaning is something that I think about with each of them.  The first time around it was systematic and it worked easily without much fuss. The second time around we took our time, he needed me a little longer, we had allergies and we were wee, and we just needed that mama comfort differently. But both times, weaning was led with the pretext that I was pregnant once again. This time I'm not, and not that we wouldn't welcome another baby, but we're not actively seeking one right this instance either.

So this toddler, this toddler has been a little different from the start.  First, I have enjoyed nursing her so much more from the start, at least on the good days where I am not about to pull out my hair from life. I never have had to be systematic with her, and honestly it was hard at first to do that, because there is always doubt and fear.  But grace was there to keep me going and keep my fears at bay, for I had a ~15lb baby at 4 months. There was no need to worry.  And I slept, and we co-slept and we nursed.  And I am not trying to bring out mommy wars of doing it differently, but this is what worked for us.  I tend to need sleep to function, I only get sleep if I don't have to be fully awake at night when doing things, co-sleeping and nursing allows both of these for me.

Back to this toddler of mine, she is so smart, and so helpful and so kind, but she also needs to pull in to rebalance and get her mama time with nursing.  I don't remember having that before. My boys nursed for a some comfort of course, but they also saw the world differently.  They barely could be bothered to stop to refocus, it all was so fascinating to them. They didn't need that recheck in the same way.

And so we actually still nurse at least 5-8 times during a 24 hour period. And some days it feels like a lot, it does, but others, its okay. Its hard to balance expectations with needs or wants of hers of mine of my husband of my other children, let alone the pressures of the world.  And sometimes she has to be told no, but we still nurse.  And sometimes that means we are out in public.  And while I am used to nursing a baby a ~year or less in public, its a whole other element when its a toddler.  I think sometimes that I've entered into a forbidden zone, but I still do it, because its a need that I can and need to fulfill. The one thing I've reverted back to is using a small cover at this age when out.  And it may just be that I'm not fully comfortable yet, and I think thats okay.  But honestly its more for the fact that toddlers tend to be crazy nursers and well I'm not up for full body exposure to total strangers, at least not just yet.  I still have a little bit of Puritan in me I have to get over. :)

The topic of weaning has been crossing my mind.  My husband knows this, because I've mentioned in passing a least a dozen times, in probably in a I'm going crazy way, but still it is there.  But maybe not right now.  I think at this point that the fight of not nursing in certain instances is too strong for it be be okay to let go. And maybe that's just me, and maybe I'm weak, but I don't think so.  Both of my weaning experiences before have never been harsh, and while this girl of mine is her own person, I think at the very least we need to approach weaning in a gentle way. And so I will, slowly and maybe this will take the pressure off myself, because the pressure is usually what ruins the experience for myself, and I don't need that.

So baby girl of 21.5 months and I will nurse, and I'm not sure when we will stop. Her need might be different than my want, and I will learn humility and patience, and at times we will hopefully be able to transfer that need into other ways of love and balance and centering. But that's just it, love isn't easy is it? But we are better to have loved than not, right?

Humility

It's been a while since I've written on here.  New adventures with schooling and teaching have led the blog to be on the back burner for a while.  I'm currently stuck under a sleeping baby, which would normally constitute a nap, but I'm the worst at napping, so blogging it is.

There have been many things on my mind lately some of them being the notion of people as products in our society, reading and kindergarten, letting go of rigidness, and humility.  The last one is one that I thought I could share a few thoughts on today.

I am someone who loves praise, it makes me feel good.  At the same time I'm constantly praying for humility because well I know I shouldn't be wanting that praise from others but instead should be striving for it from God.  I think sometimes pride, that annoying root quality, gets the best of me in things and it makes me think I'm awesome and people should love me.

But the thing is while I am awesome because God made me, (and you are awesome too because God made you too), I shouldn't be thinking of others liking me as the end all be all that my head sometimes, or honestly a lot of the time plays games with me about. To esteem the approval of others means I'm only going to be unhappy when they let me down. And this is where humility comes in.

I think one of the reasons I am always trying to discern inclusion of social media in my life, or rather the getting rid of it, is that for me it can cause me to spiral down this path of questioning my worth. Its actually a good reminder for me on the days when people don't interact with me or like my stuff that I shouldn't be looking for approval from others. Instead I should be okay with and maybe even get to the point of uniting this feeling with Christ and grow with him. That would be the ultimate goal at least.

So, that's where I'm at today. Enjoy your Sunday!

Each human

This evening I was watching a film on Netflix where the protagonist had an old soul as some would call it. One of the best lines was that he stated he wasn't going to miss out on something great just because it was hard.

This made me think about the dignity and value of each person. As you know I think a lot, probably annoyingly so. And as life has presented itself there have been some people in my life that have been particularly hard to deal with. I've spent countless hours praying and thinking about what to do with them, how I could love them because with them comes lots of heartache and its just sometimes so hard.

But in those moments when I just want to completely walk away something stops me. Something tells me that as completely impossible that this person is with all their baggage, they are also loveable, because they like me are made in the image of God.

And I don't condone abuse to any extent, walking away there out of self preservation is a necessity. But most relationships are messy in their own way.

We bring our brokenness with us everywhere, and I think sometimes we forget that everyone has this same yet different brokenness, and its okay. That brokenness is redeemed in Christ, and as messy and as unlovable as some people put on to be, there is a person in there shouting out the need for love.

So do we choose to love them in our own flawed and messy way? Hopefully yes. Because after all He loved us first, and He thinks each and everyone of us is worth it.

More on Self Control

Since the last post, I've been pondering more on the subject of self control.  I've come to conclude that our society is one that runs on impulses.  And before you think I am high and mighty, I would say I give in to impulses probably just as much as the next guy.  I am routinely asking for chocolate cake or ice cream from the local ice cream shop just because I want it.

As I contemplate self-control though, its interesting seeing from a parent's view point.  First, it feels like we want our children to choose right from wrong, so we say no, no, no to the wrong but yes, yes, to the right.  But along those same respects there are so many things that given the situation can go either way. Things that in small amounts are good. Things that work for one situation or one child but don't for another. It becomes all kinds of complicated. Its probably another reason our society is what it is, one crazy bunch of impulse driven people. Consumerism is set up this way, every store has check out isle items, and there are always deals on this or that but only for one day. And then in our sexuality the culture just screams impulse, to think differently means you are backwards or judgmental.

So I'm wondering how does one really learn self control.  Is it through discipline?  Is it through understanding?  Do we naturally have self-control inside us, or is it only something we can learn through example? I don't know.

There are very limited pieces of art that display senses of self-control.  Last night, I actually ran across one of them on Netflix, and I was amazed at it.  The film was called Heart of the Country and in it, the other guy that usually wins, didn't. Instead their was fidelity and faithfulness, and it was refreshing to see, because it gives me hope that it can happen in this world, and that others do see it as a virtue to uphold.

Post watching that film, it reminded me of one my favorite books of all time, called Running Barefoot by Amy Harmon. Since I'm a hopeless romantic, its a love story of course, but of a different twist.  In it the girl meets the guy on a school bus, but she is 12 and he is closer to 18.  And instead of him taking advantage of her he waits, and in the oddest way.  He lets her live her life and she actually is engaged at one point but there is tragedy and well you will have to read it to see how it ends, but its good, so read it!  And again, there is self-control involved here in the story.

I think sometimes we get caught up in control issues in this life, it feels oddly easier to control someone or something else instead of ourselves. But I wonder if we ever are going to be able to have an impact on someone else by example unless we ourselves understand our own self-control. It has me thinking about situations as a parent, its so much easier to bark orders, but less easy to give true freedom and give understanding with loving direction so that someone can learn their own self-control as well.

Anyway, this is where I am at today.  Hope you are having a wonderful first week of August.

Spiderman to the rescue

No better

Sometimes I think we get just a little bit self righteous about our ideals being smashed into smithereens by other people.  And not that they are good ideals to uphold, but as a good friend told me today, you never can say what you would do in the same situation. And I think about this a lot because I think its great to uphold those ideals, its even better to give grace and mercy when we fail at them.

I say this because honestly, I screw up just as much as the next guy, if not more.  I am constantly saying the wrong thing to my children or getting angry or anxious about things outside of my control.  I mean just today I was ready to trade in my 3yo because he's been brutally mean to his baby sister the past few days. It was frustrating me that there was no voice of reason there in his actions, and I of course let him know that and probably not in the nicest of ways.  And here's the thing that right there, I was totally lacking self control and patience and understanding.  I failed at those virtues that are the same things that come into the bigger things, the things that come under attack in a bigger way for society.

I've been re-reading/listening to C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, and in reading it this time it stuck out to me the three types of morality.  The first being to another person, the second being to oneself and that third to God.  Its an interesting viewpoint of it, especially in a society of today where we are struggle so much with the first type that I'm not even sure two and three have any chance at being explored anytime soon. Morality in to another simply means that we do everything in our power to not harm our neighbor.  And most people are probably stuck here, I know I am most the time. The next is morality to ourselves, so we have taking care of not harming others, but what about the damage we do to ourselves.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure I understand this one, except that I know that decisions that we make for ourselves even if no one else is involved can really form or break us. And the last in the morality to God.  In some ways it feels like this is connected to the first two, because well at least to me, they are relative to one another.  Anyway, before it get in over my head, its interesting to consider morality in this way. It feels much more dependent on God's standard than what our society makes it out to be.

But I think its important to remember in life, that no matter how together someone may seem, they still struggle just like you.  That a certain IQ or job title doesn't really put someone above making mistakes or acting out of character. We still all have to fight our concupiscence, and its good to remember that. It might just be a different battle to fight than your own. So be kind if you can, and if you screw up in judgement, well ask for forgiveness and keep pressing on. 

A post New York City reflection day 1

Leading up to our NYC trip, I'm not sure exactly I was thinking. Maybe I was preoccupied with packing, but then the day before I came down with a sinus migraine which left me in a position to mope or to lower my expectations. I did a little of both. Nothing was really planned for our trip except we had a way in and out of the city and a place to stay while there. We knew we were going to use public transit while there and we had borrowed an awesome compact double stroller system for the kids, so we did. We had spent the better part of the year learning about cities, and so it just felt like we needed to go and be in the city of cities, at least as my kids know it.

Here we go, go, go on an adventure!

Was I nervous about bringing my little family to a an almost unfamiliar city? Of course. My number one fear was losing one of the little people. Which honestly made no sense because in Manhattan where the sidewalks are overcrowded, the kids automatically such close by in a stroller or a carrier. And probably part of that was Keith and I wanting them to do so. Our main rule of the city was to hold a hand or be in the stroller, the kids totally complied. But goodness does Manhattan have a lot of people! It made me think how much space we really have in Cleveland.

So we got to the city thru Penn station on Amtrak. It was a pretty fun trip, and probably the only time on land that I've gone 120mph. Coming out of Penn station, we were a bit lost. Arriving underground, we had no bearings and since it's Penn station, there were people everywhere, it made us a bit frazzled and so as soon as we did make it out and got our directions straight, I beelined the kids and Keith the luggage to the hotel. I think the initial lost feeling really screwed with my head for a bit, but at the hotel we regrouped and we actually had a very nice, very spacious hotel room for midtown Manhattan. If you ever stay in the city, I recommend The Herald Square Hotel. The staff was very accommodating and friendly.

That evening we went out and walked around our surrounding area, around the Empire State building, into a three story H&M to buy the kids socks. Because somehow in the packing, the children's socks were left behind. I had some great paella at a small street vendor in Herald Square, and then we walked up to Bryant park where they were setting up to have a movie on the lawn in front of the library. The boys rode a carousel and then we finished the night with ice cream in Koreatown. A good first day in the city.

The guy that does Humans of New York, does a pretty great job giving a portrait of the individuals there. There is so much humanity packed in the city, so many stories and we all matter. We are all made in the image of God, and I felt like in this city, the flare, the beauty of the individual came out. While I'm sure they have their own battles with trying try fit in, it seemed like there was less of that and more of people trying to stand out. And I wonder if that comes from there being so many people there, that one feels like you have to make your mark to be noticed or cared about. This may be true, but to me it emphasized how amazingly awesome God is to create humanity in such a way that we can all be so different in our expressions of self and yet we are all children of Him too. One big crazy, diverse family of humanity.

Part 2 tomorrow.

The wedding verse

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 14:4-7

If you go to a few weddings in your lifetime, you are likely to hear these verses read aloud. And while I could probably go into how this parallels marriage, I won't. Instead, I have something else I've been pondering with these verses in my head.

You see, I'm someone who takes it that each action in life is connected, and because of that, these verses have become to mean so much in the past few weeks. I took that pause from social media, and it helped to see that maybe I wasn't really living that out.

I could see that at times, it's easier to force something to happen than it is to be patient for it to come. I could see that I got angry because things weren't going my way. And that I was tired, tired because I wanted out, I wanted peace, but the peace I sought was not right kind of peace. The peace I wanted was to make it all better in my mind, instead I need to find peace that God is always here, to trust that because he is love, he can't give up on me and he won't.

But for now, it may just be a perspective change, to be at peace amongst the chaos and the crazy. To know that I am okay, loved and can have hope in Him.

Safety tips for adventurous kids

Hi y'all!

Summer is here, well in a few days at least, and with summer comes different challenges and adventures. If your kids are like mine this means lots of outside time, whether that be at the pool, the backyard or a local park. My children love to explore and challenge me in these months and sometimes it's a little overwhelming but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Safety comes to mind. Because, in all the new adventures, I want to make sure my little ones can keep going. And I'm not perfect at it and we've had our share of ER trips and poison control calls through the years. But most of the time we manage to keep our heads at least afloat.

So here are five summer safety tips that have helped us out.

1. Know your environment. Look and see what the kids might try to explore and check and see if there are any red flags that should be of limits or at least only exlpored with and adult. Sometimes this can be in a house too, especially if it's an older house, lead paint fixtures and areas are definitely red flags to be avoided. We had this happen with a back porch of ours and since then, it's been an off the limits zone until the porch is sealed off from its toxins. 

2. Keep hydrated. I know it's been said a million times but we've been caught it with signs of heat exhaustion and having water nearby helped us tremendously. We usually pack a Nalgene bottle or two full of water, but have in the past or for more extreme outings have used Camelbaks. 

3. Minimize sun damage. We all know that we actually need to get some sun exposure for our bodies to soak up some vitamin D, but we don't need to be overexposed.  Too much sun leads to burns etc, and so one either chooses to cover up or put on sunscreen.  My sunscreen hating kids usually will choose to cover up with a hat and long sleeves over sunscreen, but in places like the beach or the pool sunscreen is a must and they withstand it for those kinds.  As for sun hats we like our wide rimmed boat hats like these from Sun Protection Zone.

4. Be smart with bike safety.  My boys enjoy riding their bikes so much, but we have a few rules for safety that they must follow when doing so.  First, they must have a helmet, and they must be wearing closed toed shoes.  We are fan of Safety Town programs or setups too, this helps a kid get acclimated to the rules of the road as a biker and helps them to be cautious when riding their bike around.

5. The only go up if you can get down rule.  My kids are climbers, but I really try to emphasize the prior concept to keep them safe.  If they can't get down from somewhere without help, then they probably shouldn't try to go up it.  I honestly think this keeps them safe and also builds confidence because if my child has gotten up somewhere I'm not apt to take them down, he has to figure it out himself. Granted if its a red flag zone in the first place, well, down they go and that's another issue all in itself.

Bonus safety tip: The patron Saint for Safety is St. Barbara, so if you want to have some extra help to keep your family safe, asking for the intercession of this lady is right up your alley.

Hope this helps you to have a safe and adventure filled summer!

Sticking points

Two things have stuck out at me this week and I thought I would share them.

1. I've been reading the book Every Bitter Thing is Sweet and in chapter 6, the question along the lines of, "If you never get the life you wanted, will you still love God?" And the thing is this can be broken down in so many ways, sometimes I realize I deal with a lot of dreams being crushed or derailed, or also things just not going my way and get all complaining about it. This stuck with me, because it really hits home. I struggle with expectations for things in my life, but maybe God is pruning me in this. And I'm going to have to be okay with that, at least at some point.

2. I watched the film Little Boy today. It was wonderful, I recommend going to see it. One particular line stuck out at me. "Your faith isn't going to work if you have any hatred in your heart." I think honestly, I do have a lot of anger that I need to let go of on some things, and I know it's going to take some time. And probably points one and two are related. But if i am learning something it is that God is there with me always and with him all is possible. 

And that is where I am today. Are there any lessons that the holy spirit is prompting you on this week?