I'm still sad. I still don't get to bring a live baby home, but life has returned to its normal amount of chaos at least for the children. Driving is hard if I'm by myself, because by myself, I think and I sob.
This week we got the pathology report and learned it was a placenta separation issue, and that sent me spiraling for a bit. I want to say that I won't have this fear of a repeat next time around if there is a next time but I know somewhere it will be there.
Some things that are different now, heat doesn't bother me like it would if I was pregnant. I get to teach a full class of chemistry next fall. I may consider starting Ephraim with kindergarten this year since he's a borderline birthday and he's interested anyway. I don't feel pressured by myself to give up nursing the toddler. She nurses minimally, but somehow that is comforting. Someone is still growing by me.
I think that this tragedy is helping me to figure out boundaries a bit more. I realize I'm vulnerable and I need to turn off the people who could hurt me right now. The people that think I need to be all better now or not be sad, the people that need to explain instead of just sitting and listening or just being there.
I'm thankful for this greater sense of church that has come about in this whole experience. As a convert who came with a lot of baggage, this sense that people can actually be there for you is amazing. The fact that people actually care about you and pray for you and send you cards and meals and will take your kids for the day because you can't figure out life, its just really good. It makes the hurt and loss just a little more bearable. Thank-you all.
And lastly, I think because this whole experience brings up all the feelings from 7 years ago when I lost my first baby who we named Edmund where I miscarried in a stadium bathroom. I'm thankful that I have a place to go visit Noel and be still. I need that. There's a lot of chaos in my mind still but going there helps me to know that God is watching out for me and for my little family.
So I sift and I wait and I pray to trust in the slow work of God, because that is what is going to get me through.