A rug from my grandmother

I have this rug. It's one that my grandmother latch hooked for me. She had been trying to give it to me for months, when she first heard that I was pregnant with Noel, she sent a sweet card of congrats on the fourth baby and then sent a picture of a rug she had made hoping that I would like it and claim it as mine. You see then but not even a week later, Noel died. And then I just couldn't talk to anyone.  My grandmother called to apologize of what she wrote in the card, though I think it needed no apology. It was all done with love, it was simply telling me that four babies would be great and how she had such memories with her four own babies. That didn't need apologizing for, not one bit.  I didn't answer the phone and simply had a voicemail, but so it was. She called again a few weeks later and hoped that I was all better.  I don't think she meant any harm in saying that, though it wasn't receptive to my ears and still I wasn't answering the phone because I just still couldn't. This loss hit me the hardest of my two miscarriages I have had. And almost 2 years later, another baby in my arms there are still bits to process. There are still bits of graces unfolding from Noel's short womb life.

My dad called about the rug, perhaps my grandmother thought I'd surely talk to him, but again it was another voicemail as I still didn't answer the phone. We went on a trip to a few cities in the south and I bought a card for my grandmother to tell her that I did want the rug.  But I never wrote out the card and I never sent it.

A few later, my grandmother died unexpectedly from a blood clot that spread to her lungs. It wasn't caught by a foot doctor and it caught us all by surprise.  My first thought was that I didn't ever call or write her. I had wanted to, to say yes to this rug she had made with me in mind, but I just wasn't all there and I wasn't really handling life all that well.

This lady was precious to me and every time we would call for her birthday and the kids and I would sing for her and she would say that this was the best birthday greeting she had gotten all day.  And whether or not that was true, she knew how to make my heart smile.  She would send birthday greetings to all my kids and to me every year and she just knew how to say the right thing to cheer someone up in a rough situation.

Today, for some reason, I was compelled to pull this rug from its buried home in a corner of my bedroom and take it downstairs to use in the house and remember her.  Perhaps, I need more of her now. Perhaps, I've finally forgiven myself for never saying yes to her directly for the rug.  But here it is, I hope that it brings us warmth and softness and memories of love for years to come. 

Book Review: Divine Mercy for Moms

Over the Christmas season, I had the opportunity to read the book Divine Mercy for Moms, Sharing the Lessons of St. Faustina by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet.

With this year being the Year of Mercy as declared by Pope Francis, so many things seem to be divinely popping up as opportunities to practice and learn mercy. This book was one of those occurrences.  As I read this book, I felt like a wealth of information was bestowed upon me in a good way. 

As a convert, when I read books like this, I am reminded at the vastness of the Catholic faith and how much there is to learn in every single aspect of it.  It never gets old.  I had never encountered the story of St. Faustina before, and divine mercy in itself was a new concept to me other than it being something I caught in passing or glossed over.  This book did a great job recalling the life of the Saint and really taking the wisdom she shared from her life and applying it our lives today.  The authors were able to take it even one step further and take aspects from their own lives and reflect on the divine mercy in them based on St. Faustina's wisdom. 

When I was reading this book, there was a social media squabble on children at mass, and how they did or did not have a right to be there.  Spoiler alert: They do. Divine Mercy for Moms gave a great example for this case, and actually for any circumstance that we are feeling that someone else is causing us to not draw closer to God, but is a distraction.  St. Faustina as a sister would pray in the chapel with the other sisters and was positioned close to another nun that happened to make a lot of noise while she prayed.  St. Faustina thought about saying something to the other sister, but she realized by doing so she would make her conscience of something that would just cause hurt with no resolution.  Instead, St. Faustina learned to pray through the distraction, and because of it grew in grace abundantly. I loved this so much for many reasons, one being that as a mom, its so easy to get bogged down in blaming the kids and mess of life for a poor spiritual life when really we just need a change in perspective, and two it helps us to realize that we need to see others whether they be our children or just a particularly challenging person as people that are children of God and to pray for them to be aware of God's mercy just the same. 

This book presented the corporal and spiritual works of mercy and along with them gave amazing practical examples for which to carry them out.  My favorite one was to pray a chaplet of divine Mercy while making dinner for my family.  My spiritual advisor was pointing out to me the other day just how much of motherhood is doing these acts of mercy, but a lot of times we just are not aware of doing them.  Divine Mercy for Moms gave really practical ways to see this and to try to be aware of God's presence in our everyday.  The authors even went above and beyond and gave outreach examples of the works of mercy, such as handing out water bottles on a hot day to "give drink to the thirsty".  

Divine Mercy for Moms is a book that I feel like is multi-faceted, as it can be a reference book for prayers, and living out mercy, or to be a spiritual refresher or awakener in the mercy department.  It's set up to either do as a personal study but could also be a really great book for a group discussion.  All I know is that I definitely have to read this book again because as I said earlier there is just so much to it that its hard to soak it all up in one reading.  

The authors have set up a website for their book Divine Mercy for Moms. com and I recommend it as its full of great resources that were mentioned in the book but also serves as point to connect with other moms.  You can get some great ideas on how to really live out the works of mercy either from other moms or from the resource links that were mentioned in the book.  Either way its a win-win.

So I hope that you are able to use this book as a way to learn and begin to carry out mercy in your life.  You may be already be merciful in your daily walk and not even know it. But this is a a five star book in helping you to recognize God's mercy and we really all could use more of that. 

Nursing My Toddler

I've nursed two toddlers before this current one, and each one has been different.  Each has been his own story, his own personality, his own circumstance to come with it. Weaning is something that I think about with each of them.  The first time around it was systematic and it worked easily without much fuss. The second time around we took our time, he needed me a little longer, we had allergies and we were wee, and we just needed that mama comfort differently. But both times, weaning was led with the pretext that I was pregnant once again. This time I'm not, and not that we wouldn't welcome another baby, but we're not actively seeking one right this instance either.

So this toddler, this toddler has been a little different from the start.  First, I have enjoyed nursing her so much more from the start, at least on the good days where I am not about to pull out my hair from life. I never have had to be systematic with her, and honestly it was hard at first to do that, because there is always doubt and fear.  But grace was there to keep me going and keep my fears at bay, for I had a ~15lb baby at 4 months. There was no need to worry.  And I slept, and we co-slept and we nursed.  And I am not trying to bring out mommy wars of doing it differently, but this is what worked for us.  I tend to need sleep to function, I only get sleep if I don't have to be fully awake at night when doing things, co-sleeping and nursing allows both of these for me.

Back to this toddler of mine, she is so smart, and so helpful and so kind, but she also needs to pull in to rebalance and get her mama time with nursing.  I don't remember having that before. My boys nursed for a some comfort of course, but they also saw the world differently.  They barely could be bothered to stop to refocus, it all was so fascinating to them. They didn't need that recheck in the same way.

And so we actually still nurse at least 5-8 times during a 24 hour period. And some days it feels like a lot, it does, but others, its okay. Its hard to balance expectations with needs or wants of hers of mine of my husband of my other children, let alone the pressures of the world.  And sometimes she has to be told no, but we still nurse.  And sometimes that means we are out in public.  And while I am used to nursing a baby a ~year or less in public, its a whole other element when its a toddler.  I think sometimes that I've entered into a forbidden zone, but I still do it, because its a need that I can and need to fulfill. The one thing I've reverted back to is using a small cover at this age when out.  And it may just be that I'm not fully comfortable yet, and I think thats okay.  But honestly its more for the fact that toddlers tend to be crazy nursers and well I'm not up for full body exposure to total strangers, at least not just yet.  I still have a little bit of Puritan in me I have to get over. :)

The topic of weaning has been crossing my mind.  My husband knows this, because I've mentioned in passing a least a dozen times, in probably in a I'm going crazy way, but still it is there.  But maybe not right now.  I think at this point that the fight of not nursing in certain instances is too strong for it be be okay to let go. And maybe that's just me, and maybe I'm weak, but I don't think so.  Both of my weaning experiences before have never been harsh, and while this girl of mine is her own person, I think at the very least we need to approach weaning in a gentle way. And so I will, slowly and maybe this will take the pressure off myself, because the pressure is usually what ruins the experience for myself, and I don't need that.

So baby girl of 21.5 months and I will nurse, and I'm not sure when we will stop. Her need might be different than my want, and I will learn humility and patience, and at times we will hopefully be able to transfer that need into other ways of love and balance and centering. But that's just it, love isn't easy is it? But we are better to have loved than not, right?

No better

Sometimes I think we get just a little bit self righteous about our ideals being smashed into smithereens by other people.  And not that they are good ideals to uphold, but as a good friend told me today, you never can say what you would do in the same situation. And I think about this a lot because I think its great to uphold those ideals, its even better to give grace and mercy when we fail at them.

I say this because honestly, I screw up just as much as the next guy, if not more.  I am constantly saying the wrong thing to my children or getting angry or anxious about things outside of my control.  I mean just today I was ready to trade in my 3yo because he's been brutally mean to his baby sister the past few days. It was frustrating me that there was no voice of reason there in his actions, and I of course let him know that and probably not in the nicest of ways.  And here's the thing that right there, I was totally lacking self control and patience and understanding.  I failed at those virtues that are the same things that come into the bigger things, the things that come under attack in a bigger way for society.

I've been re-reading/listening to C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, and in reading it this time it stuck out to me the three types of morality.  The first being to another person, the second being to oneself and that third to God.  Its an interesting viewpoint of it, especially in a society of today where we are struggle so much with the first type that I'm not even sure two and three have any chance at being explored anytime soon. Morality in to another simply means that we do everything in our power to not harm our neighbor.  And most people are probably stuck here, I know I am most the time. The next is morality to ourselves, so we have taking care of not harming others, but what about the damage we do to ourselves.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure I understand this one, except that I know that decisions that we make for ourselves even if no one else is involved can really form or break us. And the last in the morality to God.  In some ways it feels like this is connected to the first two, because well at least to me, they are relative to one another.  Anyway, before it get in over my head, its interesting to consider morality in this way. It feels much more dependent on God's standard than what our society makes it out to be.

But I think its important to remember in life, that no matter how together someone may seem, they still struggle just like you.  That a certain IQ or job title doesn't really put someone above making mistakes or acting out of character. We still all have to fight our concupiscence, and its good to remember that. It might just be a different battle to fight than your own. So be kind if you can, and if you screw up in judgement, well ask for forgiveness and keep pressing on. 

Hi there...grace and stuff

Oh hey. I have this thing called a blog.  I should write in it sometime.  Hi everyone!

Ninja upside, ack!

I'm recovering from a stomach bug, eating cereal and Panera baguettes as toast, because nothing else tastes good. I thought since I am currently able to sit up I could catch you up on life.

The new year brought some extra cold temperatures our way, which makes me never want to leave the house.  Because it's already not my favorite thing to buckle three kids into the car every time I go in and out of the car, when you do it at 15 degrees F, I just don't even want to try.  And there is the whole don't put a baby in their coat in the car seat thing.  I just keep thinking we live with a detached garage and its 15 degrees outside, how is that even possible to do?  I'm all for safety, but sometimes hypothermia wins out in my book in safety measures.

I'd been praying the Mary Undoer of Knots novena to get rid of some knots in my life and every single time I pray it something happens.  This time the most significant thing was that I went to a Moms Transmit the Faith meet up.  Though I've never been, I would kind of say its like a small version of MOPS.  The topic discussed at the meet up was grace. In the meeting grace was defined as, " a participation in the life of God" and I think that is according to the Catechism too. Well, you see, I have read books on grace and have had classes in college that talked about it, but for some reason in my state of being, I was struggling with it.  I couldn't figure out how grace applied to me in the here and now.  I know that sounds almost silly.  Because I should get grace, people use the word all.the.time. But somehow, I think that in this stage of 3 small kids that I just had to wallow.  I think now though if I keep thinking more on this line of thinking of grace, that God is there in me helping me through it, it may just be a little bit less overwhelming.  I don't think its gonna take away the screaming kids all at once, or the 3 yo being very three, but maybe it will help me to pause and think someone is here with me in my struggles and I can grow in grace through this.

The woman presenting this lesson talked about a cup of grace inside each one of us.  That we each have one, whether small or big.  With sacraments and such we keep adding to our grace cups and in each experience that calls on God's grace too.  I am probably totally wrong here, but I like to think that when we receive Jesus every week into our bodies, eventually if we let him break through our tough selves we will be full of Jesus.  I think I just realized how grace is helping me to do that more and more.

So anyway, those are my thoughts, I hope you all are having a good Tuesday and are keeping warm and healthy in this winter of yuck. Also did you see that the Pope was charitable towards breastfeeding mamas in church. I love being Catholic more and more each day. Cheers!

I'm crazy; I admit it. :)

I admit almost daily to my husband that I am crazy during pregnancy.  And somehow yet, he deals with me gracefully.  I know this time around I have specifically struggled with what happened last time and what I want to happen this time around during delivery.  I keep getting it into my mind that something is going to happen that is bad and I won't be able to deliver here at home like I want to. I guess also taking the leap towards home birth scares me a bit too, because its an unknown to me. I can't say what is really going to happen. But then again, "There is a gift in not knowing." Sarah Reinhard reminded me of this in her Pregnancy Companion book that the lovely Elizabeth Buergler pointed out to me.  I think sometimes its so hard for me not to know, but then that is kind of the whole game of parenting isn't it?  You put in all this effort into trying to get your kids to heaven when in the end they too have free will.  You don't know what will happen because only God does.  It's a crazy challenge to just set forth each day and try to do your best with them in each moment.

The song "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay, a song from my childhood, always gets to me whenever I hear it.  It's always a different part but the tears come no matter what.  I spent two nights ago singing this song and crying along as well after I had heard it earlier that day.  I needed that cry.  I feel like for some reason the extra hormones have ALL the emotions inside me these days, and sometimes the only satisfying thing is a good cry.  

Anyway, after reflecting and multiple replays of the song, two things stuck out at me. The first is, "Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart." Ugh, to explain this now.  I keep deleting, but maybe I will get this this time. A while back, probably in the summer, I was reading the devotional called A Catholic Woman's book of Days by Amy Welborn.  In it she describes a scenario where her daughter is afraid of the dark, even though there is no reason for her to be while she is in her bed safe at home.  She says she knows it but is having a hard time believing it.  I think this is me a lot of times.  I know God is there, I see his work in my life and yet I fail to believe it so. God knows what I need, but I am struggling to really believe it. 

The second lyric that stood out was "It takes all I am to believe; In the mercy that covers me." Here we go with the believe again right?  So the other day, I was contemplating grace and mercy. More so grace to start out, because I kept hearing it in songs, and I was like I know what grace is, but do I really.  So I looked it up being the nerd that I am.  Grace is an unwarranted blessing, at least in my understanding.  I can see these all throughout my life and over the last year, I have opened myself up to try to be more thankful for them.  But I still felt like something was missing.  And it was the concept of Mercy.  It's probably odd or maybe just my age that shows, when the first thing that pops into my mind with this concept is Uncle Jesse on Full House saying "Have mercy!" in his Elvis voice when things go awry with the girls in the house. 

The thing with mercy is that I know I struggle with it, because while I understand it exists, I fail many times to believe it applies to me.  Probably the thesis of the "Worlds Apart" song.  But I need to know right here and now that it does, because otherwise I don't think I would be where I was at with this baby with his mercy.  This baby that God is giving to me for just a short while in the scheme of things. He gives me mercy through the anxiety and the tears and the pain.  He really does want good things for me even if I want to think otherwise.  He knows I'm trying and he loves me.  For that I'm thankful.  Now if only you could tell me this at midnight tonight when I wake up in panic mode. :)

In other news. Do you think I swallowed a watermelon?