I'm crazy; I admit it. :)

I admit almost daily to my husband that I am crazy during pregnancy.  And somehow yet, he deals with me gracefully.  I know this time around I have specifically struggled with what happened last time and what I want to happen this time around during delivery.  I keep getting it into my mind that something is going to happen that is bad and I won't be able to deliver here at home like I want to. I guess also taking the leap towards home birth scares me a bit too, because its an unknown to me. I can't say what is really going to happen. But then again, "There is a gift in not knowing." Sarah Reinhard reminded me of this in her Pregnancy Companion book that the lovely Elizabeth Buergler pointed out to me.  I think sometimes its so hard for me not to know, but then that is kind of the whole game of parenting isn't it?  You put in all this effort into trying to get your kids to heaven when in the end they too have free will.  You don't know what will happen because only God does.  It's a crazy challenge to just set forth each day and try to do your best with them in each moment.

The song "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay, a song from my childhood, always gets to me whenever I hear it.  It's always a different part but the tears come no matter what.  I spent two nights ago singing this song and crying along as well after I had heard it earlier that day.  I needed that cry.  I feel like for some reason the extra hormones have ALL the emotions inside me these days, and sometimes the only satisfying thing is a good cry.  

Anyway, after reflecting and multiple replays of the song, two things stuck out at me. The first is, "Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart." Ugh, to explain this now.  I keep deleting, but maybe I will get this this time. A while back, probably in the summer, I was reading the devotional called A Catholic Woman's book of Days by Amy Welborn.  In it she describes a scenario where her daughter is afraid of the dark, even though there is no reason for her to be while she is in her bed safe at home.  She says she knows it but is having a hard time believing it.  I think this is me a lot of times.  I know God is there, I see his work in my life and yet I fail to believe it so. God knows what I need, but I am struggling to really believe it. 

The second lyric that stood out was "It takes all I am to believe; In the mercy that covers me." Here we go with the believe again right?  So the other day, I was contemplating grace and mercy. More so grace to start out, because I kept hearing it in songs, and I was like I know what grace is, but do I really.  So I looked it up being the nerd that I am.  Grace is an unwarranted blessing, at least in my understanding.  I can see these all throughout my life and over the last year, I have opened myself up to try to be more thankful for them.  But I still felt like something was missing.  And it was the concept of Mercy.  It's probably odd or maybe just my age that shows, when the first thing that pops into my mind with this concept is Uncle Jesse on Full House saying "Have mercy!" in his Elvis voice when things go awry with the girls in the house. 

The thing with mercy is that I know I struggle with it, because while I understand it exists, I fail many times to believe it applies to me.  Probably the thesis of the "Worlds Apart" song.  But I need to know right here and now that it does, because otherwise I don't think I would be where I was at with this baby with his mercy.  This baby that God is giving to me for just a short while in the scheme of things. He gives me mercy through the anxiety and the tears and the pain.  He really does want good things for me even if I want to think otherwise.  He knows I'm trying and he loves me.  For that I'm thankful.  Now if only you could tell me this at midnight tonight when I wake up in panic mode. :)

In other news. Do you think I swallowed a watermelon? 

Homebirth vs. Hospital Part 1: Prenatal Care

I'm not one much to make lists, its just not in me too much so I apologize in advance for the lack of bullet points.  I just know a few of you have been interested in the fact that I am planning to have a home birth this time around.  So I wanted to give you more information about it.

So you all know that making this actual decision was a hard one, not so much the home birthing aspect itself, I totally labor all that I can at home anyway, so why not just take the plunge to staying at home for actual birthing too. Since I really don't like to be intervened with in birth unless needed, this seemed like a good option for me.

So what's it been like?  Pre-natal care has definitely differed.  Appointments are 1-2 hours and encompass the whole of my life at the time. It's been good for me, especially this time because I've had a lot to work through and she has been able to help me do that by talking with me giving me suggestions to work on and even lending books to read.

In the appointments, I actually do my own urine analysis, before this was probably done by the nurse, but now I know exactly what was being checked and check it myself.  I also get to opt out of something if I don't want to do it without backlash. One day we even skipped taking BP because she knew I was fine, but I was just being paranoid about it instead of seeing it as something helpful. I think this has been good and at the same time trying to me because well, it makes me have to trust God more and not the establishment.

Different HB midwives do different things, it depends on different state regulations and such and what they feel is important.  The one I have models her care more on the European midwife standard of care, so she does test for Strep B, but will not do an IV for drugs at birth but a wash instead.  She doesn't however test for gestational diabetes because it has never been an issue for her patients as long as diet is monitored.  She will however refer you to an office if you want that type of testing.

Ultrasounds are also not required. It's an odd thing to tell a person that no I don't have any US pictures of my baby yet, but really I feel like for myself they are expensive under our insurance and last time when I got them with my first I felt very pressured to get them so that I could then consider abortion if something wasn't right. This wasn't going to be the outcome, so hubby and I decided unless necessary we would skip them from there on out.  I know for a lot of folks ultrasounds mean reassurance and connection with baby and I am glad for that, I just haven't felt the need for that this time around.

I guess one major difference is that you really see a person as your care provider instead of a title.  This can come with ups and downs, because maybe you have slightly different personalities and disagree a little or maybe you gain a friend. But also its made me have to remember that their is a person there that has a life, that isn't perfect and well that's okay.  It doesn't mean that she isn't a professional about her work, she is, but there are definitely differences to having a one man shop versus an office to call where someone else does a lot of the interacting work for you and you just have to follow protocol.

So this all I know about HB at the moment.  The midwife I have actually now has an apprentice too, so I'm interested to see what having her there as well brings to the table.  There is approximately 6.5 weeks to go.  It's bound to get more interesting from here on out

Birthing from within take 1

So I'm finally reading the book the midwife gave me, Birthing from Within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz. It's bringing up lots of things and I'm only 80 pages into it. If you are a boy reader and you don't like talking about birth, then skip this post. 

One major thing I like about the book is that it is helping me to see how this whole birth and healing process can really come together. Instead of being passive, I do get to have a role in all this. I mean I'm birthing at home after all. But the thing is even though I've said that since I've made this decision, I couldn't visualize it. I'm finally beginning to put some pieces together. I can actually name some places I would like to birth and others I would hate. For some reason my bed is one of them of the hate places now. Birthing on some kind of bed is usually the way I see birth in a hospital, and for some reason it was so not what my body wanted to do last time nor really for most of my first time. I'm an active birther and beds make me feel passive.

Next, a lot of this pregnancy I've find myself frustrated and stuck. I feel like I'm not able to do what I want to do physically, and it's not cutting it. Granted most times I'm in real pain but I think I can still change some things up and feel better about where I am at. I am going to at least walk every other day and take it from there. Stretching would be good to since this one seems to like to screw with the sciatic nerve.

There are definite fears this time around. Because, well even though this is the third go of it, it's a whole new experience in a new environment. And last time didn't go well. A lot of times I feel like I'm going to do something that isn't going to let a home birth be possible. But the thing is there are things I can do to check that things are going well. I can do the GD test. I can work on anxiety and thus lower BP issues around birthing. I can be honest with people about what we are doing in a positive way with home birth and I can actually have a before hand game plan of what to do with my children.

I feel like this time around a lot of unsettled issues have emerged again and well, I'm finally working on them. I feel like it's maybe because with number 3 my mom card is really gonna show and I don't want to be carrying any baggage with me into it. Also, I was a third baby and I don't want my third baby to have a scared mom but one who trusts in God. But pray for me in this because a lot of hurt and healing need to happen for this to really be full throttle.

So this is not the usual happy pregnancy post you see on the net, because frankly, I'm not there yet. But I needed this all to be out in words and maybe someone will see it's okay to not be as everyone else wants you to be.