I admit almost daily to my husband that I am crazy during pregnancy. And somehow yet, he deals with me gracefully. I know this time around I have specifically struggled with what happened last time and what I want to happen this time around during delivery. I keep getting it into my mind that something is going to happen that is bad and I won't be able to deliver here at home like I want to. I guess also taking the leap towards home birth scares me a bit too, because its an unknown to me. I can't say what is really going to happen. But then again, "There is a gift in not knowing." Sarah Reinhard reminded me of this in her Pregnancy Companion book that the lovely Elizabeth Buergler pointed out to me. I think sometimes its so hard for me not to know, but then that is kind of the whole game of parenting isn't it? You put in all this effort into trying to get your kids to heaven when in the end they too have free will. You don't know what will happen because only God does. It's a crazy challenge to just set forth each day and try to do your best with them in each moment.
The song "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay, a song from my childhood, always gets to me whenever I hear it. It's always a different part but the tears come no matter what. I spent two nights ago singing this song and crying along as well after I had heard it earlier that day. I needed that cry. I feel like for some reason the extra hormones have ALL the emotions inside me these days, and sometimes the only satisfying thing is a good cry.
Anyway, after reflecting and multiple replays of the song, two things stuck out at me. The first is, "Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart." Ugh, to explain this now. I keep deleting, but maybe I will get this this time. A while back, probably in the summer, I was reading the devotional called A Catholic Woman's book of Days by Amy Welborn. In it she describes a scenario where her daughter is afraid of the dark, even though there is no reason for her to be while she is in her bed safe at home. She says she knows it but is having a hard time believing it. I think this is me a lot of times. I know God is there, I see his work in my life and yet I fail to believe it so. God knows what I need, but I am struggling to really believe it.
The second lyric that stood out was "It takes all I am to believe; In the mercy that covers me." Here we go with the believe again right? So the other day, I was contemplating grace and mercy. More so grace to start out, because I kept hearing it in songs, and I was like I know what grace is, but do I really. So I looked it up being the nerd that I am. Grace is an unwarranted blessing, at least in my understanding. I can see these all throughout my life and over the last year, I have opened myself up to try to be more thankful for them. But I still felt like something was missing. And it was the concept of Mercy. It's probably odd or maybe just my age that shows, when the first thing that pops into my mind with this concept is Uncle Jesse on Full House saying "Have mercy!" in his Elvis voice when things go awry with the girls in the house.
The thing with mercy is that I know I struggle with it, because while I understand it exists, I fail many times to believe it applies to me. Probably the thesis of the "Worlds Apart" song. But I need to know right here and now that it does, because otherwise I don't think I would be where I was at with this baby with his mercy. This baby that God is giving to me for just a short while in the scheme of things. He gives me mercy through the anxiety and the tears and the pain. He really does want good things for me even if I want to think otherwise. He knows I'm trying and he loves me. For that I'm thankful. Now if only you could tell me this at midnight tonight when I wake up in panic mode. :)
In other news. Do you think I swallowed a watermelon?