Joy in the child

As Mother Teresa was canonized yesterday, the quote of hers that came to mind was the following:

“How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” -St. Mother Teresa

I have always loved this quote, but struggled with it too. However, there is truth here, and I am learning to live it daily. 

When I was pregnant with Noel, I struggled so much with what others might think of a fourth child.  I know I shouldn't have let it bug me, but I did.  There were some people that I still let into influence my thinking at the time that weren't positive about another child.  And in fact sometimes weren't really positive about the ones I already had.  Honestly, this type of thinking stemmed way back to 10 years ago when I was engaged to my now husband, and I'm sure even before. You see, I let in counsel to someone I trusted, and the one objection to me converting to Catholicism along with marrying my husband was that, "those Catholics, they just have so many children." I didn't have the background that celebrated children as always being a gift, instead they were financial burdens or things to fit in to a narcissistic life. 

But Noel, despite my internal battle was a gift, a true gift in so many ways.  I remember the time I told my students about him and just the absolute joy they had in celebrating a new life was amazing. I don't think I'll ever forget that day because honestly, I don't think I've ever experienced that much joy from someone else about something/someone in my life.  It really was eye opening. 

And then as I sometimes struggle with my kids and their well, being kid like, I was upset about something that my one son did in the presence of another teacher.  Later talking with that teacher he recanted it in a positive manner, one which again celebrated the life the gift that the child was instead of a sum of his faults. 

Recently, a dear friend kept witnessing my crying so much at church this past summer, because for some reason the Holy Spirit just brings the tears there, the much needed tears. She gave me a note and a dear little painted heart shaped rock, with the words "Jesus wept". Oh so appropriate words they were and are. My friend remembered my dear little baby, this baby that only was with us for so long.  My friend didn't judge one bit about timing or family size, but loved and saw that I loved, and for this I am so grateful. 

You see, I think to this point I didn't think that there really was a place where every life could be really celebrated in its entirety. I was broken and couldn't see it, I couldn't see it in the people around me, I instead always felt judged or judged myself.  I think its odd to say that death has brought an understanding of joy, but yet somehow I think it is so for me.  I think seeing people have authentic joy over life has been one of many lessons little Noel has fruitfully taught me. And in that joy, I feel like I can finally understand more about gratitude. And while I know there is thanks in the suffering, I think the thanks in the joy, this, this has been missing for me, and I am so very grateful to be learning this now. 

There is more, but I will save that for another time. 

Resolution in a word

Joy. This is the word I am choosing for 2015. This is what I want for my life. As the boys were helping decorate the Christmas tree this afternoon, there was so much Joy in their faces. I loved it. They live life to it's fullest.

For me it's so easy to get into anger and complaining, but I'm going to try to actively choose joy. Every moment if life is a gift despite the mess and the hurt. I think it may be hard to choose joy over the "ugh this is so hard" bit, but I'm going to try my best to do so.
If you could pick one word for 2015 in your life what would it be?

Then and now.

This past week we went to Nashville and had the privaledge of staying in the Opryland Hotel there.  We were able to get some photos of the experience in the gardens, and relive some shots that we had taken when Keith and I were first dating.  It's amazing how much 7+ years changes things.  We both became practicing Catholics, got married, bought a house twice, sold a house, had two children, I finished school finally, Keith started school again, etc.  Sans the children, do we look the same or different?  You tell me. 2005

This past week we went to Nashville and had the privaledge of staying in the Opryland Hotel there.  We were able to get some photos of the experience in the gardens, and relive some shots that we had taken when Keith and I were first dating.  It's amazing how much 7+ years changes things.  We both became practicing Catholics, got married, bought a house twice, sold a house, had two children, I finished school finally, Keith started school again, etc.

 Sans the children, do we look the same or different?  You tell me.

2005

2013

2005

2013

Lent Day 1

I am not sure that I will keep up with this each day.  I just feel inspired today with it being the first day of Lent.

So how has it started off.  Well, we didn't get to mass due to fever baby.  But I did get to carry out my Lenten sacrifices.  I think I was able not to complain today, at least I didn't do so knowingly and to add to it, a dear friend said she would help me to keep myself accountable.  Woohoo for good friendships!

I actually am feeling a little bit more blessed today and come to think of it happy.  It's odd because sometimes I feel like Lent kind of gets a bad name with doom and gloom in its sacrificial nature. However, today with what I was focusing on, I felt loved.

You know how you can read a million books or verses of the Bible that explain how little things are done in love.  And then you get into the mode of like ugh, again, I have to do this again.  Well I guess that has been me.  I think I was feeling like I was missing something bceause I am no longer PhD student Kiera.  I didn't feel purposeful.  But there is purpose in the little things, because they are done in love.  And really wants more important than that?

The other thing I did today, or maybe it was yesterday, I lack sense of time, was make a hair cut appointment for myself.  This may sound silly to ya'll but I'm just bad at taking care of myself sometimes. And this is something that needs to be done since its been 5 months since my last haircut.  So, I think I am going to find little ways that I can take care of myself better, because these I think will help me feel better about me and thus help me to feel happy as well.

Happy Ash Wednesday to ya'll.

Thoughts

Honestly internet, I probably shouldn't pour my heart out to you like I do, since there is something to be said about privacy in these things.  But really I don't care what you know about me because I would rather be honest on my life's journey with God than be silent and be a mess inside. This is because for me, writing is therapeutic.  I need it to clear my head.  I may not be a great writer, I know this from my graduate school experience, but I love to write nonetheless.  I need it and you, vast internet, are my audience.

Though my feelings may change in the next week or so, I'm just going to say what's going on in life anyway.  First, I have thought about my emotional state of being, and really I'm not where I should be.  I have a great life, one full of choices that I made out of ability to make them instead of falling into them. Choices that have been good for me. Good for me in that I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God and others.  I know that one of my New Year's resolutions was to own the choices that I make/made.  I am trying to do that in this.

There was an article that was published I think by Fox news a few days back in which a woman suggests that we need to go back to the days of chivalry where women where treated like princesses.  I don't think this is true, the princess thing.  While it would be nice if it were so, but probably only the elite few experienced this really.  I followed a long facebook discussion that Simcha Fisher had on her page regarding the said article.  It was fascinating and encouraging.  They helped me to see that my choices though, sometimes thought of as odd in the realm of academia from which I came, are valid choices.

These choices I refer to are the desire to be a SAHM, and to want a large family, and maybe to want to homeschool them when the time comes. I am thankful that I am able to do these things, as in my last post, I am privileged in the fact that I do have a wonderful husband who is fully supportive of all these things.  I prayed for him for years, and I am thankful that God answered this prayer above and beyond what I could have imagined.  That may sound ridiculous since I got married when I was 23, but it is true.  I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

So I made these choices and I want to say that they are the best choices for me, I will say that too, at least to the best of my experience and knowledge they are.  However, certain environmental things or maybe just the devil get inside my head and make me think else wise.  I wrote last time that I care too much about what folks think about my choices. I know I shouldn't but yet I do.  It is a constant struggle to try to not care, to care only what God thinks.

I came across a passage again written by Simcha Fisher in the Style, Sex and Substance book.  In it she states,
    " A receptive woman is the most powerful creature in the world, in her deliberate openness: without         her 'yes', nothing more can happen. Life comes to an end.
     Here's the tricky part: 'Yes' can come in many different forms. Sometimes we say, joyfully or in tears, 'Yes, I will accept another baby.' But sometimes the fitting answer is, 'Yes, I accept the need to put off a pregnancy right now.' Or even, 'Yes, I see that God will not give me a living child.' Sometimes we stand there, open and accepting, and God comes to fill our cup with suffering.  And still we must say, 'yes.'"

And for the longest time I think I was upset with myself that I was saying no to God.  That I can't handle this right now.  I think somehow I was playing games with myself, because I wanted to please others. And here is the confusing part, I also wanted to say yes, to the wrong thing for the wrong reason because I wanted to please someone else instead of God.  I think honestly this is a big part of why I am not in the right mental state currently.

My husband said to me, use Lent to prayerfully discern how you can be happy.  I guess ladies and gents that since he is the one that sees me the most, I am not appearing to be happy.  And from the fact that I beat myself up over a night of lost sleep, over and over, this probably is true.  I get so frustrated with stupid things that it sours my whole mood.  And honestly I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though you may have come to the conclusion that I am.  I would just say that really need to begin living more for God and less for this world and be okay with my pride being destroyed in the process.

So this is a main reason why I will spend Lent not complaining, because I need to die to self and really live for God.  I need to find my happiness in him and not in others opinions.  So ladies and gents, pray for me on my journey this lent and I will try to do my best and pray for you all too.

Thoughts about where I am

Gah. I hate opening my heart on the internet, because I never know how its going to be taken.  I mean I blog, so I should be used to it. I've been holding out a lot lately, but if you read my resolutions for 2013, one of them was to own who I am.  And if I forgot to post that particular resolution, well I am following it anyway.

So really 2012 was filled with learning about me, in ways I must have crumpled into a ball and just shoved into a corner for a long time.  My shortcomings and fears and anxieties came out.  I spent the year feeling incompetent, wanting to scream and fearing that I would never sleep well again.

A lot of these things came from being a parent of 2 kiddos under 3.  It's just hard man, and I just have to admit it.  Figuring out naps and bedtime was a big challenge and then shutting my brain off to actually sleep was even more of a challenge.  Because for me when I don't sleep well, which happened a lot this past year because of giving birth to a rough sleeper in late 2011, I get more and more anxious about my lack of sleep.

And then on top of that, a lot of thoughts were taken into account of what to do with child spacing during the latter half of the year.  I wanted to trust God more than I think I was willing to do.  Though I tell myself that I am better off that I don't do anything against God's will like contracepting, but I'm still a sinner and even with NFP I don't trust him enough to know that he will take care of me and knows what I can handle. I need to do more trusting, another resolution for 2013.

So basically the last few months have been a trying time of learning to trust God more. I get fearful of what the world is and the crazy powerful people out there, or just care too much about what people think about my life decisions.  I know I shouldn't care. I mean I'm trying my best and trying to make the best decisions for my family, but its still hard.

I also fear the unknown, I hate the weaning process, because I sometimes feel like there is no end in sight and this time around I haven't done anything to actively wean my baby, but he's still doing it.  The hormones are still driving me crazy, I feel like a ball of rage sometimes, and other times a rude comment can send me to tears, as what happened today at a store.

Currently, I'm trying to trust God more.  I try to repeat as much I remember to do so, "Sacred Heart of Jesus," I put my trust in thee. But also just the realization the good always has to trump evil is helping me, in that God is always in control and if I do try my best to trust I will know that.  I also keep trying to pray for help in my unbelief, that I may believe, and not worry or be anxious.

But this is the place where I am.  One day at a time though, right?

“Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.” - St. Padre Pio

Word block

Currently I feel like I have a word block.  I have a lot of things running around in my head but none of them have been transferred to the nets. So I will leave you with a photo from dinner last night.

And man is he ever growing up fast. Before I know it he will be 3 and no longer 2. Gah.