Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Thoughts about where I am

Gah. I hate opening my heart on the internet, because I never know how its going to be taken.  I mean I blog, so I should be used to it. I've been holding out a lot lately, but if you read my resolutions for 2013, one of them was to own who I am.  And if I forgot to post that particular resolution, well I am following it anyway.

So really 2012 was filled with learning about me, in ways I must have crumpled into a ball and just shoved into a corner for a long time.  My shortcomings and fears and anxieties came out.  I spent the year feeling incompetent, wanting to scream and fearing that I would never sleep well again.

A lot of these things came from being a parent of 2 kiddos under 3.  It's just hard man, and I just have to admit it.  Figuring out naps and bedtime was a big challenge and then shutting my brain off to actually sleep was even more of a challenge.  Because for me when I don't sleep well, which happened a lot this past year because of giving birth to a rough sleeper in late 2011, I get more and more anxious about my lack of sleep.

And then on top of that, a lot of thoughts were taken into account of what to do with child spacing during the latter half of the year.  I wanted to trust God more than I think I was willing to do.  Though I tell myself that I am better off that I don't do anything against God's will like contracepting, but I'm still a sinner and even with NFP I don't trust him enough to know that he will take care of me and knows what I can handle. I need to do more trusting, another resolution for 2013.

So basically the last few months have been a trying time of learning to trust God more. I get fearful of what the world is and the crazy powerful people out there, or just care too much about what people think about my life decisions.  I know I shouldn't care. I mean I'm trying my best and trying to make the best decisions for my family, but its still hard.

I also fear the unknown, I hate the weaning process, because I sometimes feel like there is no end in sight and this time around I haven't done anything to actively wean my baby, but he's still doing it.  The hormones are still driving me crazy, I feel like a ball of rage sometimes, and other times a rude comment can send me to tears, as what happened today at a store.

Currently, I'm trying to trust God more.  I try to repeat as much I remember to do so, "Sacred Heart of Jesus," I put my trust in thee. But also just the realization the good always has to trump evil is helping me, in that God is always in control and if I do try my best to trust I will know that.  I also keep trying to pray for help in my unbelief, that I may believe, and not worry or be anxious.

But this is the place where I am.  One day at a time though, right?

“Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.” - St. Padre Pio

1 comment:

  1. Yes! One day at a time! Or one hour at a time! (This is what *I* have to do, anyway.)

    I think God knows and honors the parts of our hearts that long to do right. He is gracious and merciful and without condemnation. He wants to give you REST. I'll pray you get some.