Friday, May 2, 2014

If only

I'm sitting here with a baby asleep on my lap and a 2.5 to running around in a diaper with out pants and a 4yo outside digging. I'm supposed to be cooking dinner. But I'm sitting here heart broken by the world and its brokenness I'm encountering.
There are so many hard situations around me. So many people I just want to reach out and at the very least give them a hug and tell them they are loved.
But I started thinking about this all on a way that may finally help me sleep tonight, as long as the baby lets me, right? And here's the thing, I'm not at all trying to undermine the toughness and the hurt and the pain of things, life is hard. But I wonder for myself, as I get angry that my child had slammed the toilet seat down again, so loudly it wakes his baby sister every time, or that my husband's job is super stressful right now and I just wonder if it's ever going to not be. I wonder if I can just accept this and say this is where we are at. Instead of wishing for a time where the anxiety of motherhood ceases or that I can consistently sleep well again, I'm wondering if I can just be accepting of where I am at.
It doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive to do good or get better at dealing with these things. I just think that part of at least my problems are that I'm never content with where I'm at, especially if it's a struggle. And I'm not even sure if that's the right word. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm settling or telling you likewise. But I think I'm missing out in the here and now sometimes in my frustrations. In my can't shut my brain off moments.
It's more so that God really is there, he's here right now add I'm writing this exhausted and trying to manage life with three little kids. And I think I just need to know that, especially when the 4yo body slams me and the baby for the 100th time in the day, or the boys are kicking themselves silly in the middle of mass.
So folks that is where I'm at. Have a blessed weekend.

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