Only if it brings you closer

I have been thinking, probably more like overthinking, about how much I don't know about Catholicism.  The intellectual in me likes to know things, but I think at times it makes me anxious.  To step into a realm of the unknown and learn a little which then leads to so much more. I think though at the same time I struggle with certain things.  I really struggle with prayer that is repetitive, I just..can't...focus when I do it.  I either fall asleep or get distracted.  So then, I see how folks have learned this great ancient prayer, and I think to myself "I suck at being a Catholic Christian because I can't do that." But this is the devil getting to me.  And well, I don't need him, I need Jesus. So then today after sitting in a bit of prayer, I was reminded of something that the priest at the church I went through RCIA said.  "If it doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, then it isn't worth it."  This doesn't discredit what others may be doing in their ancient prayer learning or carrying out so and so tradition, because for them it probably is doing just this, bringing them closer to Jesus.  But if its a hinderance instead of being fruitful, well then maybe I should reconsider it and do what works for me.  I think this doesn't mean that I can't grow, but I have to grow in Christ as God wants me to, not as someone else does, or from fear of being a bad Catholic.

More Edel thoughts

I felt like my last post didn't really hit what my head has finally wrapped around about Edel.  After reading everyone's posts and seeing what it all meant to them.  I think I figured out why the no judgement thing has been so big to me.

I think as a convert of now over 7 years, I always am running into my past life, or really my current, where very little people around me are Catholic.  At the most a lot of my friends are lapsed Catholics, but most are protestant because well I was protestant for 23.5 years. I think then when it came to this decision to become Catholic, I was always butting heads with folks in my life on this issue or that.  Or, I just wouldn't speak up about things and just do my own thing and try to ignore them.

I came from protestantland in the Bible belt in TN, which I am thankful for, because really those Baptists, they put a lot of ideas in my head. Many of these ideas made me think a lot about Catholicism, I just didn't know it at the time. But a good portion of the friends I had made on the way really couldn't understand why I did what I did as a Catholic, or why I wanted to be Catholic. Why mass, and not just any old service was important to attend on Sunday, why I would never contracept, why I wouldn't eat meat on Friday, why I thought that pope guy was a good thing etc.

I think then despite my constant battles in real life, I was able to find solace through social media to finally feel like there were others out there like me, fighting the good Catholic fight. And while eventually, I have met other faithful Catholics through youth ministry and in my parish, and there have also been a few that have stuck it out with me this whole time, the internet has been the place where I was able to connect with other like-minded women.

So enter in Edel.  It was just so amazing to be actually in the same place with so many other women who have struggled, yet persevered in faithful Catholic motherhood/womanhood.  And even better than that, there were no forced emotional moments that I always feel like come with retreats, instead it was just genuine love.  And this is why Edel was so awesome, that even I had to write a second post to express it.