belief in disbelief

Maybe today I will attempt to do two entries, due to missing yesterday. At least I will try to keep the thought of doing two. If I get time tonight, it will happen.

Anyway this weekend seemed like a rollercoaster to me. I was up and down about things. For what usually happens at the end of the cycle of me feeling bad or inadequate was happening a week or so early. There are a few things that set me off that led to this point. First, I started reading a book about other women's stories about miscarriage, one would think this would help and to some extent it did, but I think it left me on edge. It seemed there were too many contradictions in these women's minds. Like they used every type of birth control under the sun, or that they were pro-choice with contradicting views about life, or that they thought it was fine to have a kid without a spouse. I guess that's what you get when you read a secular book about miscarriage. Oh well.

Next, I went to see the movie Up. Now it again was good, as I told you in an earlier review. But they struggled with infertility. Yes, lovely infertility. The word itself makes me so angry sometimes. So that had my emotions going.

And then next I went to a baby shower for a dear friend. And honestly I am ecstatic about her being able to have a baby, she too went through miscarriage earlier. But something about the atomosphere made me uneasy. Like motherhood was just out of reach, something that I couldn't touch or have. So I left happy for her, but saddened for myself.

And then low and behold a family member blatenly states, "you should have a baby now" and I'm like yeah, working on that. And so she gives her advice on how to have a baby, unknowingly that I have been trying this for about 8 months now, with a miscarriage in between all of that. And as much as I love her, this just tipped me over the iceberg.

But then there was the homily at church, it was off of the scripture Mark 4:35-41 A scripture where we see the apostles not really having the full out faith about what Jesus, God himself, can do. Instead they worry and fret and try to do everything that they can themselves to make it work.

This is like me. I have worried, I have tried it all. I know how its done, I know my ins and outs of my fertility. If anyone could hit ovulation on the mark it would be me. And yet, since it doesn't work I am in disbelief that God can make us conceive. Crazy right. So today, I finally am able to get that tightness out of my chest a little bit, because I can say to myself, God CAN do it. I am not gonna doubt him. He gave me a glimpse of it before and he can do it again to the full extent. And because of that I am ok. Because I am not going to lose faith now in my God and my savior. I am just gonna keep telling myself that he CAN do it, because he can. So if it doesn't happen this cycle or the next, well he still CAN do it.

End with a smile.