Monday, April 6, 2009

"I've been so many people to so many people..."

I am completely exhausted today. I think I put too much effort into worrying about things that turn out fine in the long run. So why do I worry, why do I not trust God that it will be ok? That is something I am gonna continue contemplating. I mean it would be easy to blame it on society pressures, or what my parents expect of me, or even what my boss expects of me. But the thing is this, I am trying. And putting my best foot forward, or at least attempting to, in everything that I do. I think the part of me that worries is the perfectionist. The part that I don't want to be but still am and so it manifests itself in worry. I am slowly realizing more and more the need for silence, the need for contemplative prayer, for listening, because they are assuring that it is ok. That God is still holding my hand, and not letting go. THe other thing I realized is that these things are really hard for me to do. I would give anything to be able to shut of my constantly thinking head and be in total silence, but I can't. Again, though I try.

Trying is not the same as almost doing something though, trying in my book means I keep at it, I keep persisting, I keep wanting to be at peace, to not worry. And sometimes there is glimpses of it, which is excellent, really excellent.

I think part of my strive to do it all perfectly is that I like that well done remark, today I didn't get it. But that is ok, I need to be ok with the imperfection of myself. Those parts that I want to be brilliant but really only shine when Jesus takes hold of them. Its odd sometimes how beautiful and perfect Jesus is. We romanticize his humanity a little much though I think. He probably would never make today's hottest 100 men list. Nor would he make the best dressed list. To me he would be that skinny awkward looking fellow, that probably had crooked teeth, and probably didnt smell all that spectacular either, though the people of the time were probably used to everyone being smelly. I wonder if they based beauty on the amount of odor a person had back in the day, that would be odd to see. Though I know today, if you sit on the train beside a smelly man, well its not the best experience in the world.

Anyway, so you see the perfectionist in me wants myself to be perfect in all facets, but the problem is that I am judging that by man-made standards, ones that are virtually flawed by the fact that they are from men. So what does it come down to then?

Well I am a daughter of a King. A king I tell you! So that makes me a princess :), and so who is the one person that I have to answer to? Well the king obviously. So, should I worry about living up to this person's standards, or society's teaching on this or that. Only if they are in agreement with the king, and that King is Jesus. Jesus, the one who totally goes against the norm of what is right, and the one that people hated because he stood for truth, and was God in all his humanity. He was God in all his humanity....hmmm. His humanity of scrapes and bruises, pimples and blisters, of dry skin and smelly feet. None of these were sins, they didn't violate the fact that he was still sinless and perfect.

And we are made in the image of God, a perfect God, but what is perfection really if we base it off the wrong standard? I think now it becomes meaningless, though somehow we still hide ourselves and are shameful of not living up to the societal standard. Maybe we should rethink this. I know I need to, being the daughter of a King and all.

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