Only if it brings you closer

I have been thinking, probably more like overthinking, about how much I don't know about Catholicism.  The intellectual in me likes to know things, but I think at times it makes me anxious.  To step into a realm of the unknown and learn a little which then leads to so much more. I think though at the same time I struggle with certain things.  I really struggle with prayer that is repetitive, I just..can't...focus when I do it.  I either fall asleep or get distracted.  So then, I see how folks have learned this great ancient prayer, and I think to myself "I suck at being a Catholic Christian because I can't do that." But this is the devil getting to me.  And well, I don't need him, I need Jesus. So then today after sitting in a bit of prayer, I was reminded of something that the priest at the church I went through RCIA said.  "If it doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, then it isn't worth it."  This doesn't discredit what others may be doing in their ancient prayer learning or carrying out so and so tradition, because for them it probably is doing just this, bringing them closer to Jesus.  But if its a hinderance instead of being fruitful, well then maybe I should reconsider it and do what works for me.  I think this doesn't mean that I can't grow, but I have to grow in Christ as God wants me to, not as someone else does, or from fear of being a bad Catholic.

Just be me

Today was a reminder that I need to be more of the mom I have fun being.

I started today feeling like there was a lot to do, I needed to fill the kiddos minds with all the knowledge from all the questions they asked. You see I've been reading a lot of homeschooling books lately, and well, I have a bad habit of reading a book and wanting to implement all the ideas in them all at once.  Because they are good things, and I need good things in my life.  But then I just get overwhelmed and I start hating on everything.

I even went to confession and adoration this weekend to try to get a clear focus about this all.  Well I think it worked for a day, but then well I read more books.  Gah, I need to stop reading informative books this way!  At the very least, take a step back from them.  Because well today, it was okay and actually at the end I was wearing a smile.  Because I realized something.  First, my kids are learning. Despite dumping out two metric tons of legos onto the floor, the almost three year old could sort by color and part of each category.  The 4yo enjoyed being read to and then is starting to try and read books back to me.

I think yesterday, I was feeling all sorts of bad Catholic because, well, we totally did nothing for Mary's birthday.  I mean oddly we talked about Mary being the Queen mom because well my 4yo asks questions like this, but we didn't do any celebration. This is probably when I should just simply step away from the internet, because well if its making you feel like a failure then well maybe its just time to take a break.

However, today we actually made it to the grocery store. Well, our grocery store is Target, because its the closest and oddly the cheapest besides Aldi and Walmart and well I have issues with each of the latter. In the beginning it wasn't looking good. Ephraim decided it was his trip goal to hit Ben off the side of the cart as many times as possible in five minutes. This made me take him out of the cart to force him to walk and then epic tantrum commenced.  After he calmed down I put him back in and he  was good after that.  However, Ben was overly annoyed that I wasn't buying Helena Dora diapers, because a dirty little secret is that overnight I use a disposable diaper on her, so I have to buy a pack of diapers here and there. It makes my life easier as there are no night leaks and thus no sheet or midnight outfit changes since we bed share.  But Ben got over it.

So feeling internet guilty about not doing anything for mama Mary's birthday, I told the kids we could make a cake and they could pick out the mix and icing.  They picked out funfetti cake and blue vanilla icing.  For those of you who are all organic, I apologize, I have ruined my crunchy cred twice in this post. By the end of our Target trip, Ben was so excited to tell the college aged cashier about our cake.  He just went on and on how we were making this for mama Mary's birthday.  It made my mama heart smile. He even told the cashier how we missed it yesterday and were making the cake a day late.

As the day went on, we didn't get to make the cake till after dinner.  But we made it!  Ben and Ephraim both were stoked to make mama Mary a train shaped cake just like what they would want for their birthday.  (It's one of the random cake pans my mom has passed on to me because I have train loving boys.) The boys were actually really good about mixing and measuring for the cake, and we got it in the oven and then read a ton of books, but then everyone got punchy so we went outside for races.  We raced up and down the block and driveway, the boys loved it and Helena did too and they especially loved it that I sometimes made Helena beat me by holding her out in front of me. Ben and Ephraim decided our trophies would be flowers and it was just good.

You see, I love being outside and being active. Its in my blood, I mean I still play rec soccer just for the fun of it because its just fun to me. And I realize that if I want to be successful at this homeschooling thing, I need to do things that I love to do with the kids.  So races and walks and baking and reading it shall be.  I just gotta be me. As for the cake, we will be 2 days late, and ice it and eat it tomorrow. Yum.

A day in the life..well kind of..

So today was a bit rough health wise for me.  I was dealing with a plugged duct/mastitis bit that kind of wiped me out.  So we stayed home, and for a good portion of the afternoon, I took a rest on the couch while we watched a Disney movie, the Princess Protection Program. Imagine two little boys watching this with their mom, but they actually liked it. And there are some points in there that I really like, the whole yogurt incident where the popular kids prey on the princess but she declares she's not a fool, so the girl can't make her feel like one. So outside of that, we did get do some things, but it was a more low key day.

Our day started out like this:

Tons of puzzles put together by the boys, a particular favorite is the united states puzzle because Ben likes to figure out how many planes it would take to get somewhere or how many hours it would take to drive somewhere. While Ephraim has the puzzle gene, Ben always fights over who gets to put in the Ohio piece.

After this, Miss H went down for a nap, so the boys helped me put together a crock pot french onion soup recipe.  These boys of mine love to make things, if they can scoop, dump or pour they are happy fellows.

We then had lunch and then the PPP movie played.  After this I started feeling a wee bit better, so I went outside with Helena a bit.

Commence chewing on raw okra.  The boys of course followed, and Ben even decided to get everyone popsicles front the freezer. I read them a few chapters in our read aloud book while they ate, because somehow I finish a popsicle way sooner than they do because I know it melts, they don't seem to care.

Post popsicle, they wanted to wash their hands/arms off, so I gave them a bucket of water from the outside spicket.  It turned into this.

So we spent the next half hour being chased by me with a hose in hand so that they could reenter the house. They chose not to for a while and just played outside naked in the backyard a while, this time digging in dry dirt. 

And after that, we had dinner, and I had the boys draw on cards for great grandmas 89th birthday. Then it was bath and bed for the boys. I took Helena to our local garden plot and listened to a neighbor tell me a bit of her story, and then stopped off at another neighbors house to hear some more bits of another life story. I was just going to reap the harvest of our garden plot in a quick 30 minute trip, instead it took me over an hour, but it was good it did.  I love learning about people and from people. How was your day today?

Real Learning and My People

As you may or may not know, we are attempting homeschooling.  I've been reading a lot of books about homeschooling via suggestion of my friend Jordana and the latest one being Real Learning by Elizabeth Foss.  I think if there were one person that I am a total fangirl of in the Catholic blogosphere it would be E. Foss.  She's just amazing and yet very down to earth and engaging. So I'm reading her book and so far I love it and I'm maybe a quarter of the way in.  It just makes sense to me. I always felt like school should not be school in the way its done with so many hoops to jump through but to simply learn for the love of learning.

My few takeaways so far are to read more aloud to them the classics.  And perhaps I'm stretching this a bit, but I'm having fun reading them the books that I love.  The ones that set your imagination going, and so far its going well.  Granted we are only reading Because of Winn-Dixie, which is not high literature, but Ben likes it.  The 2 year old is probably picking up on it somewhat, but he doesn't seem to like to sit still for it because there aren't any pictures to look at while we read. 

Next is that I really want to do more audio books for longer car trips.  Its almost 6 hours to my parents place from here, so why not use that time to "read" a good book and have the kids enjoy/learn too. 

Another is I want to engage more with questions and presenting more options, I think this means that I should also be more disciplined in my ways.  I can so easily veg out with FB or other social media and while its good to relax, there needs to be balance, and I'm going work on trying to find it.

In a case of using social media for good, today, I put together a park date with 3 other homeschool moms and corresponding kids from our parish.  It was really great.  I came away thinking these are my people.  Sometimes, things feel forced, this totally did not, and I loved it.  I'm excited that I have met these ladies and I look forward to hanging out with them and learning so much from them and just being able to have good company and conversation.

So that's it, hope your last week of August is off to a good start. 

What I Wore Sunday, August 10, 2014 Ed.

Hi ya'll.  Its been a while since I've participated in one of these, I just keep forgetting to take pictures of my outfits. So here goes.

Skirt: From a clothing swap

Shirt: From a clothing swap

Baby H's Dress: Baby Gap, second hand from a friend

Lack of shoes: I did wear some plain red canvas TOMS to mass, just didn't have them on yet, sorry

A lot of my outfits these days are skirt and shirt type of things because I need them to be nursing friendly for baby H. I apparently didn't actually buy any of the clothes I am wearing here which is odd I know, but clothing swaps are awesome like that. If I was really accurate, I would have added a Boba carrier to the mix because well baby girl seems to think that the only place she can nap when out right now is on my back in the Boba, so it was how I spent a good deal of mass. 

As for mass, I loved the homily today and needed to hear those words of "Jesus is here, do not be afraid."  I often get overwhelmed in the everyday and if I lose sight of the peace of Jesus it gets all the more overwhelming.  So I am sure glad that those were the words said today. I needed them. 

Check out more Sunday outfits at the linkup on Fine Linen and Purple! 

I hope we can agree

Every so often I have this nightmare that my family is being persecuted and my first thought is that we are going to be found out in our hiding because of the children. My children would never understand the need to be completely silent or not have their ever needmet ad they've come to expect. Every time I wake up in a panic. I always am so thankful that this is not my life and that God has spared me.

But then this whole Iraq thing has happened and it seems unfathomable. Large groups of families are being persecuted to death because they are something that I am. My fear is realized in other part of the world and my heart breaks.

Because while no person should every be killed or persecuted at all due to their faith, a special heart string breaks for the families that are in this situation today. I now get the vulnerability that comes with children of being a mother/parent, knowing that you would do anything for your child, but someone has decided that you aren't worth it, that by being something they are not you are inherently evil to them.

The children are so innocent and the babies, don't even get me started, they don't understand anything but love. To think someone would think their lives aren't worth it and behead them. I just can't even. So I'm shying away from the social media today and just praying for this all, that we on the outside can step in and free the persecuted, that there can be heroes from within who stand up to the evil.

And I know my perspective might be silly and an understatement, but I think we can all at least agree that children no matter whose they are should never be beheaded.

God knows what he is doing

Hallie Lord at Edel simply told us, "It is good that you are here." When I first heard this, I thought to myself, "Thank-you, I'm glad I made it." And for a while that is all I thought of it. But then almost a week after returning home the devotion I was reading returned to that same theme. And it was good that it did. Because as awesome as it was to get a break there was reality to return to and with that reality, the same issues that were left behind came to the surface again.

I struggle some days to find peace amongst the chaos of 3 under 5. Actually, I struggle with this probably more days than I'd like to admit. In reading the devotional passage the author, Amy Welborn, brought her daughter to a beach on a particularly rough day, knowing she'd find solace there. She just knew it was a good place to be. And so this is with my life. I'm here, restless most days, but God knows I need to be here. He's given me the tools to make it through. To be able to find peace in him amongst the chaos.

And it is so hard on those bad days when the almost 3yo decides its a good idea to pee in the sand box or the 4.5yo deliberately hits me in the face with one of his toys or the baby is just gonna scream all day about something. To be in that and find peace, it's so hard, and yet God knows I can do it. He knows it is good for me to be here. And so it is, I just have to find him more amongst the chaos in the love so that there can be peace.