What I learned from the movie Inside Out

I think I have always struggled with letting go of something.  I think that for me letting go meant that I was giving up hope and when I gave up hope that was dark and not good and I didn't want to be that way.  At the same time, I think that me not wanting to give up has helped me to persevere through many a things and learn so much in the process that if I had given up, it just wouldn't have been the same.

When I watched the Disney film Inside Out the other day, some interesting thoughts came to mind. And I think that maybe what I got out of the movie was the point of it all, maybe, or at least for me it was. It was that its okay to be sad about something.  To truly be sad for something that you miss or didn't have turn out the way you thought it would.  Because its only in that sadness that we can let go of the notion that it was meant to always be that way or that what you were given was just totally different than what you needed or wanted. To realize that its never going to be that way again, or be what you intended should make you sad.  You shouldn't have to pretend that you are happy when you are not. To let yourself truly feel what you need to feel, in a non-harmful way, is incredibly healthy.

And I realize that this is where I need to grow. I struggle to feel sadness about something and in some ways it holds me back from letting go, and from making that forward motion. I get that now.  Last year, I struggled with this so much, but I couldn't see why I couldn't do it.  I just knew I couldn't.  I struggled to really grieve and I wanted to live in the false reality that everything was okay when it wasn't.  It clearly wasn't.

So, once again, a children's film strikes me again with a bit of wisdom that I needed, and for that I'm thankful. It's an odd thing to work on, learning how to grieve, but you see for so long I didn't for so many things that I need this.  And so I'm okay to be in the sadness, the sadness is good for me.

More about nursing...dear Lena

Hi Lena baby,

Your mama's been thinking more about nursing these days.  I actually read two books from La Leche League, Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and When Weaning Happens.  It's funny that before having children of my own I would have thought La Leche League to be full of useless hippies, and honestly I've never been to a meeting, Lena girl, but after reading these books my opinions are a little higher. They were some of the most gentle, most kind ways to approach subjects that as a nursing mother in American society can be hot topics.  A friend recommended them and I'm glad that she did, I may even purchase the first one though as of current they were loaned to me by the library.

But why did I love them so much, I think because for the first time ever it seemed that I finally had someone who took the pressure off of nursing but instead explained the woahs and the good too, the challenges and the benefits in a way that I really felt encouraged instead of discouraged.  I realize that what I am doing really isn't all that common.  If you surveyed folks about nursing, or even look up general nursing advice on the internet, it mostly stops at a year.

We went to visit folks for a holiday and I really had a hard time with some of the social expectations, mainly because I was the only currently nursing mother there. While I respect other ways of feeding babies, and have done at least pumping bottles for some of my children, it is still a hard place to be when your child is screaming about nursing all the time because she's scared about being in new situations and just really needs to be comforted by her mama, and her mama is stressed because she's going to have to nurse a very amazing verbal almost two year old in public or in front of folks that just didn't really nurse all that much and think you should be done with that nursing thing by now.  But we aren't, are we baby girl.

And don't get me wrong I love these people, with all their colorfulness, but I'm solo in this gig of toddler nursing here and sometimes mama just wants someone to talk to about these things. :)

However, I have realized that over time things have changed with my general company and nursing babies. First, when I started most people I know nursed for a year and that was that.  And while that can be fine for them and their family, weaning was particularly stressful for me, at least night weaning was. Eventually with your older brothers, weaning pushed itself along because of pregnancy and neither boy cared to nurse much past a year or 18 months anyway.  So for the social circles I was in, this was okay. It wasn't till you, my third baby, that a game changer came into play. You, baby girl, from the beginning have gotten her mama time by nursing, and your comfort in rough situations too.  And so oddly with you I also have made stronger friendships with women who have nursed multiple toddlers. It's so amazing to me to see how at ease with nursing these women are in their nursing, they aren't hung up in the over sexualization of breasts, (something I can struggle within relationship to the outside world) but are really nourishing their children with it and being there and  comforting them.

And so for me its neat to see how God had his hand in even this.  In something as simple as feeding a child, feeding you, God knew I needed more support and he knew more about me than I did. So, I am thankful, thankful for the people that God has put in my life to introduce me to the other, to the being at peace about things and not forcing them. To really try to be okay with a child weaning when they are ready. So one day, I hope you too will know its okay to nurse your baby longer than the outside would say to do so, to trust that your baby will wean on their own, to not push them to stop something they might not be ready to do.

Thanks for being you.

Love,
Your Mama

*For more Dear Lena posts, click here.

As we near the finish line of 2015

My word this year in 2015 was JOY.  A simple word though it may be, it was a good year to learn it, to envelope it, to live it, because it was a hard year and there was a lot of sadness, so how better to find joy except thru sadness.

Children got hurt badly, multiple times, expectations had to be lowered multiple times or given up completely. But it opened up the way to recognizing grace, and for that I'm thankful.  It helped me to recognize the complexity and the works in progress that we all are. It's been hard for sure, but somehow, I think I am one of those folks that needs to learn the hard way.  I'm too stubborn to learn else wise.

Children got sick badly, and letting go had to be done.  To realize that I wasn't able to fix my child but had to rely on someone else was a big lesson.  It made me think of how much my children aren't my own but are his, and his plans are bigger and greater than mine.  His family is bigger than my small unit of 5.  He is in control and I am not.

Strife happened, helping me to realize that the only thing that really can make me happy in this life is to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, that not even family can fulfill that need, only God can. Only God can be my true Joy.

New adventures were embarked. Craziness ensued.  Hair pulling and yelling, questioning and thanking.  Reassurance and renewed spirits, affirmation and growth.  Learning happened!  So much of it, and probably most of it by me, because I had to learn to adapt.  To know that even though things were straightforward in my mind, they weren't to a five year old and they weren't to teenagers.  Instead we stepped back and filled in holes and tried other ways and decided to rest and not rush.  Rushing doesn't help one to learn, but only brings crossing off lists or making check marks.

Significance was realized more greatly, in that I am really worth it as a human, I am chosen.  I do have a God that loves me, and also in that I will suffer.  But I can and do have someone to unite that suffering with, Jesus. And no one can take that away.

Anxieties rollercoastered. As problems needed to be dealt with anxiety was higher, but also, new triggers were uncovered, and I learned to give myself more graces and tried to change things for more stability, and many prayers were said. The rosary became calming and for that I am thankful.

Not everything is figured out.  And since I am a work in progress, there is still more to uncover, and more to learn and more to grow in.  And that is okay.  I don't need to be a finished book, I am only 32 after all.

To next year , 2016, I give the word: HOPE.  To know that there is always hope.  It's not as bleak as the world and media make it out to be, but instead I can remember there is hope.  Hope in tomorrow, hope in new beginnings, hope in letting go of baggage, hope in Jesus.

Be Crazy...Really Just go For it

I went to a work function this evening with my husband.  It was a really neat kind of function, it was in an old vault for part of it, and they restored it and made it into a bar and then there was a dinner with really good food.  All and all it was a quality function and I'm glad I went.

Another reason I'm glad I went is because I've been doubting a lot lately.  I've been doubting if I am really supposed to be doing what I am doing.  If I am too stressed out to enjoy it and that I need to do something drastic to make it better.  But today I conversed with people who confirmed that taking care of children is the hardest thing ever.  Generally to be a parent is the hardest thing ever.

We had a day on Monday, one of those days were you don't want to relive it because your life has flashed before you in thinking that you have lost one your children and you just can't do this anymore.  But the thing is Tuesday came, and it was better.  I can't say it was much better, but it was better.  And then Wednesday and Thursday came and those were much better too.

And so when I answer the questions of what do I do. Why I homeschool.  Why I we took a crazy adventure to do the impossible. I think its simply because God meets me there every time.  Sometimes I recognize him and his grace and other times I don't.  But he is always there.

I think its easy to get caught up in the grass is always greener mentality, at least it is for me.  In doing so I can be paralyzed to live with joy too. If I think that something out there is better for me, then by golly I'm going to hate what I'm doing currently. But it shouldn't. While I should be striving to improve and be fully who God intended me to be, I also need to enjoy where I am at and let go of where I think I need to be or what I think I need to have, those preconceived expectations creeping in and killing my view of God's grace.

So the thing is, why not try that hard thing, that thing that really stretches you to love, to unite yourself with Jesus.  It might be fun, it might be hard, it might be crazy.  But if we don't ever step onto the playing field we can never win the game or even fight the good fight.  And so this parenting gig, homeschooling and all, being open to life, well its hard, there is no way around it.  But hard doesn't mean not good, in fact something that is hard can be the most amazing thing ever, so why not just go for it.

Nursing My Toddler

I've nursed two toddlers before this current one, and each one has been different.  Each has been his own story, his own personality, his own circumstance to come with it. Weaning is something that I think about with each of them.  The first time around it was systematic and it worked easily without much fuss. The second time around we took our time, he needed me a little longer, we had allergies and we were wee, and we just needed that mama comfort differently. But both times, weaning was led with the pretext that I was pregnant once again. This time I'm not, and not that we wouldn't welcome another baby, but we're not actively seeking one right this instance either.

So this toddler, this toddler has been a little different from the start.  First, I have enjoyed nursing her so much more from the start, at least on the good days where I am not about to pull out my hair from life. I never have had to be systematic with her, and honestly it was hard at first to do that, because there is always doubt and fear.  But grace was there to keep me going and keep my fears at bay, for I had a ~15lb baby at 4 months. There was no need to worry.  And I slept, and we co-slept and we nursed.  And I am not trying to bring out mommy wars of doing it differently, but this is what worked for us.  I tend to need sleep to function, I only get sleep if I don't have to be fully awake at night when doing things, co-sleeping and nursing allows both of these for me.

Back to this toddler of mine, she is so smart, and so helpful and so kind, but she also needs to pull in to rebalance and get her mama time with nursing.  I don't remember having that before. My boys nursed for a some comfort of course, but they also saw the world differently.  They barely could be bothered to stop to refocus, it all was so fascinating to them. They didn't need that recheck in the same way.

And so we actually still nurse at least 5-8 times during a 24 hour period. And some days it feels like a lot, it does, but others, its okay. Its hard to balance expectations with needs or wants of hers of mine of my husband of my other children, let alone the pressures of the world.  And sometimes she has to be told no, but we still nurse.  And sometimes that means we are out in public.  And while I am used to nursing a baby a ~year or less in public, its a whole other element when its a toddler.  I think sometimes that I've entered into a forbidden zone, but I still do it, because its a need that I can and need to fulfill. The one thing I've reverted back to is using a small cover at this age when out.  And it may just be that I'm not fully comfortable yet, and I think thats okay.  But honestly its more for the fact that toddlers tend to be crazy nursers and well I'm not up for full body exposure to total strangers, at least not just yet.  I still have a little bit of Puritan in me I have to get over. :)

The topic of weaning has been crossing my mind.  My husband knows this, because I've mentioned in passing a least a dozen times, in probably in a I'm going crazy way, but still it is there.  But maybe not right now.  I think at this point that the fight of not nursing in certain instances is too strong for it be be okay to let go. And maybe that's just me, and maybe I'm weak, but I don't think so.  Both of my weaning experiences before have never been harsh, and while this girl of mine is her own person, I think at the very least we need to approach weaning in a gentle way. And so I will, slowly and maybe this will take the pressure off myself, because the pressure is usually what ruins the experience for myself, and I don't need that.

So baby girl of 21.5 months and I will nurse, and I'm not sure when we will stop. Her need might be different than my want, and I will learn humility and patience, and at times we will hopefully be able to transfer that need into other ways of love and balance and centering. But that's just it, love isn't easy is it? But we are better to have loved than not, right?

How does it all come together?

*Disclaimer: I am not trying to add to the Mommy wars, but am simply trying to make sense of what is in my head.

I read a book for a book club I was part of until recently when I decided it wasn't for me, it was called "Everything I Never Told You" and it was about a biracial family in a time period when that would have been thought of as not okay and a lot problems that stemmed from that. But besides that it featured a woman who was trying to be a medical doctor because she strived to be everything different than her mother a home-ec teacher. She wanted to stand out and break the mold in a field dominated by men at the time. A very women's equality situation. But then she fell in love, got pregnant, married and never finished and it hung over her head every day. There was even a one liner about birth control being developed around the same time, eluding that maybe this woman's life would have been everything she wanted because her children were a burden and derailed her from her dream. But honestly there were deeper issues with the characters in the book that birth control would have just masked instead of solved.

I have to say that this book made me anxious for a while. I had to sort through a lot of insecurities of my own. One being that I chose to be a stay at home mom for the most part (I teach part time now). I went and got a doctorate and then stayed at home. Most people might wonder why I did this, or maybe they don't care and that's okay too, I can be a bit boring I admit. :) But one of the main things I remember is that my own mom was a stay and at home mom for most of my child hood and I liked her being home with us. I liked that she was available and that she was engaging with us. And granted the latter probably doesn't have to be associated with at home moms, but for me, most of my positive learning memories came from her interactions with us and it made me not only want to stay at home but to want to homeschool. And I know she thinks I'm a little crazy sometimes, and we don't have the perfect relationship, but this staying at home with us and being there and engaged, well that was big to me.

For most of childhood me, I wanted to always prove that I was better than the boys. I played on the boys soccer teams, I did science Olympiad and any kind of activity that proved that I could be equal to a guy. And there was some underlying issues there too, but what was interesting was that I wasn't the only girl doing this. In some ways girls dominated the higher sciences. The girls were the presidents of the science clubs and the pre meds and the highest achievers of the crews. It never occurred to us for it to be different or for science to be a man's thing, very different world from the novel mentioned previously.

Even in grad school, in chemistry, the amount of women equaled the amount of men and it didn't feel like much was that different .... until you wanted to have a life outside of school. Wanting to get married, have children, those, well those were not talked about within the department or dealt with. And while every so often you might have a family friendly advisor, it wasn't normally so. I remember going to a seminar on how you could potentially have a family and remain in academia. Certain times were listed as better than others for having babies, but the consensus was that a lot of advisors frowned upon it because, well, it meant that it would take away from your research. Research meant money potential, research was supposed to be your life, family was second not super healthy family environment.

So growing up I told myself that I wasn't going to get married or have children because I was going to do something, in some ways I reminded myself of one of the protagonists in earlier mentioned book. I was set on working for NASA, I loved everything about space and space travel. I also very much enjoyed my small stint at NASA and hoped to make it career worthy. But deep down, I had something in me that wanted something different, deep down I wanted to get married and perhaps have children some day.

And what do you know, I found this guy the first week in grad school that kind of turned my facade on its head and made me think about my true feelings. And I wanted him and this all to stick. But it was scary because for so long I had put up this front, I went after guys that I didn't have a chance of having anything lasting before. But this one I married him, and I don't regret it one bit. And those children we have, well, they are amazing and so  challenging and yet so beautiful.

But there were many obstacles to climb, because I did condition myself to think elsewise, and I didn't want to let anyone down that I had told elsewise, a fault of mind. I want confident in my decision. I felt like I was a disappointment. So much money and time was spent on me to succeed and I wanted to run the other way. I think the only person's words that stuck with me in a positive way, oddly said to me when I still had my façade about career versus children and I had just put down someone for choosing children over a career, were simply that she wasn't wasting her education on her children, but instead was truly using it, it just might not look that way. Those words stuck with me and made me say to myself it's okay to want this.

So it's interesting now when I think about the struggle of career and children. I think I chose the right path for me. It's not that it's been all smooth sailing. For me, being a stay at home mom has been harder than getting a PhD. I've spent about the same time on both now, and its feels so very true to me. And then I've chosen to homeschool, so I'm probably just clinically insane for all this. But this craziness, this is right for me for right now.

The thing is that I don't think there is a one right path for everyone, as in a one size fits all kind of measure. In our insecurities, we want to know that what we chose is best, but to enforce that on another? I'm not sure that's best. And the culture may promote one choice more than another, and it may make us feel inferior for choosing differently, but that's not truth or love. And maybe if we remember just that and try to be us, the person God created us to be, maybe this world will be okay.

And there are good times too.

I have a personality that can easily be caught in the bad.  I have to remind myself that there are good things often or I get very whoa-is-me the world is ending or is hating me. So this post is to remind me of a few of those.

First, I've been enjoying lately all the kiddos crowded on my big bed reading bed time stories or telling bed time stories.  The kids have been into hearing stories about when they were littler, and I'm having to think how to make their lives into interesting stories for them to hear, and when I am able to do it well, they love it.

Next, its so good to have friends that you can talk to and don't mind listening and you in return don't mind listening to them.  Friends that understand that you are a sensitive soul and want to build you up instead of tear you down.  They are worth so much.

And despite the bad about the incident last week, I'm so thankful for good neighbors.  Ones that invite you into their home unannounced and share a peanut butter cup with you and let your children play freely with their own.  Ones that when you call them in a pickle they help you out of it by lending you a car seat so you can get to co-op and the doctor because your baby ended up with a double ear infection.  Or that the folks at the corner produce store know you well enough to feel comfortable giving you hand-me-down clothes for your children because they see you as a friend and they are watching your children grow right along with you.

And last, this.  The opportunity just to play and love.