Wednesday, May 1, 2013

"I don't where I'm going on this long and windy road"

I've had a lot of self retrospection time lately.  Maybe its because I'm at home a night a lot, who knows. Maybe its because I'm trying to get somewhere but I'm not quite there and its holding me back.  Who knows.  Here are the things I do know.

1. I am more crunchy than I thought I would ever be.  Maybe its just because it works for me (like attachment parenting), or that its more cost effective(making my own laundry soap).  Whatever it is, that's who I am.

2. I don't do organic nearly as much as folks probably think I do.  I tend to avoid fake sugars and a huge amount of processed crap.  (though totally bought Little Debbie cakes today because well in my current state they were just needed) But I just don't care if I buy organic grapes over non-organic grapes.  Somethings taste better organic and I do those and somethings are cheaper because they are local and organic and I do those, but I just am not 100% organic girl.

3. I recycle any chance I get. I've been known to pull stuff out of the garbage if its not gross just to make sure it gets put in the recycle bin. I also compost, and I'm trying to garden more.  I just like doing these things, because I figure I better be a good steward with what I'm given right?

4. I like large families.  I don't know if its because I am from one, well at least in our society 4 kids is a lot, but I like them.  So yep, the fact that I have 2 kids, doesn't mean that I am done.  And honestly there is no certain number in my mind.  Really its up to God. A small family may be the cards for me and I don't know it, but I like leaving it up to God, he's just that cool.

5. I do sometimes care too much about what others think.  Even though I love where I am at in life, if I have the potential to run into someone in my past who thinks I should be somewhere else, I cringe at that.  I shouldn't but I do.

6. I do vaccinate, but I don't care if you don't.  I co-sleep but I don't care if you don't.  I do use tylenol and ib profen with my kids when ill, but I don't care if you don't.  Whatever works for you do it.

7. I am learning and growing in this life I am living.  I want to know God more.  I want to pray more.  I want to love more.  I fail miserably at knowing that God is always there and never going to abandon me. I don't know why but this plagues me a lot.

8. I have a long way to get to be who God wants me to be.  I struggle with anxiety, and its awful that I am so hard on myself and probably my husband too.

9. I love people. I love listening to people and talking with them and hearing their stories.  I love helping them too.  I may not always be gracious in my interactions, but I am trying to be better with this.

10. I love a good book, I love reading.  I helps me be stable, it escapes me from myself. If I don't read every day or at least ever other day I am just not a nice person.

11. I want to try to have less expectations.  I want to try to simply love and not want things from others.

12. I do some day want to homeschool. I don't care what schooling option you choose, as long as its right for you.  But I am feeling a pull towards homeschooling and I at least want to try it.  An experiment per say. I know I should be more pro-school establishment since I hacked it and ended up with a PhD.  But I'm not, maybe due to experience, maybe because I knew there were a lot of opportunities missed or maybe I'm just crazy.

There may be more, but I just wanted to get these things out of my head.  And now for a song by who else but The Rocket Summer. Excuse the really cheesy video, I think he was like 17 when he wrote this but the song fits.

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