Friday, April 24, 2015

Never me

I never thought I would be the one to fall out of love with Jesus. But honestly I think I did. The world got to me. And it's funny because to the world I'm one of the good ones. But honestly inside I'm a mess. I'm ridden with anxiety and even though I'm blessed in so many ways it's hard for me to recognize it with so much fear blinding my view.
I don't think it was a fast thing, in some ways it's probably been like most relationships where if you don't spend the time together you drift apart. And it's not that I wasn't praying I was, and what little bits of listening I did to Jesus, well, with those he was able to get through, for that I'm thankful.
But I realize now I've been starving a bit and I think part of it was because for so long I've not been comfortable with me. With who God made me to be. And a big part of it was some mess of people getting to me and dragging me down with them, but that's not me, that's them.
I'm so far from recovered, so much more therapy is needed, but I finally recognize the source. I need to fall back in love with Jesus.
Today we went to the most gorgeous outdoor park and I just wanted to pack up and move there. It just made my heart smile because it just showed how much God loves us in his creation, and I know I sound cliché with saying that but it's true. And part of me didn't want to leave, I wanted to curl up with a book and a tree and just be. Reality was that the kids were tired, but really they were even at home. It was hard to come back, but we did. We will just have to visit again.
But in all this I realized there is a big part of me that needs to work on being present, because by not being so I worry, whatever it may be about it just isn't what is intended for me to be the best me. And it is so freaking hard to fight these tendencies, but as I'm more aware then I can change for the better and be able to love Jesus and stay in love with him more fully.
But unlike Paul, I don't think I'll change over night, but that's okay. As A Holy Experience ended with and these words resonant more and more, "Safe. Held. His. Beloved." If I just know and believe this through and through, it will be okay.

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