Only if it brings you closer

I have been thinking, probably more like overthinking, about how much I don't know about Catholicism.  The intellectual in me likes to know things, but I think at times it makes me anxious.  To step into a realm of the unknown and learn a little which then leads to so much more. I think though at the same time I struggle with certain things.  I really struggle with prayer that is repetitive, I just..can't...focus when I do it.  I either fall asleep or get distracted.  So then, I see how folks have learned this great ancient prayer, and I think to myself "I suck at being a Catholic Christian because I can't do that." But this is the devil getting to me.  And well, I don't need him, I need Jesus. So then today after sitting in a bit of prayer, I was reminded of something that the priest at the church I went through RCIA said.  "If it doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, then it isn't worth it."  This doesn't discredit what others may be doing in their ancient prayer learning or carrying out so and so tradition, because for them it probably is doing just this, bringing them closer to Jesus.  But if its a hinderance instead of being fruitful, well then maybe I should reconsider it and do what works for me.  I think this doesn't mean that I can't grow, but I have to grow in Christ as God wants me to, not as someone else does, or from fear of being a bad Catholic.

Just be me

Today was a reminder that I need to be more of the mom I have fun being.

I started today feeling like there was a lot to do, I needed to fill the kiddos minds with all the knowledge from all the questions they asked. You see I've been reading a lot of homeschooling books lately, and well, I have a bad habit of reading a book and wanting to implement all the ideas in them all at once.  Because they are good things, and I need good things in my life.  But then I just get overwhelmed and I start hating on everything.

I even went to confession and adoration this weekend to try to get a clear focus about this all.  Well I think it worked for a day, but then well I read more books.  Gah, I need to stop reading informative books this way!  At the very least, take a step back from them.  Because well today, it was okay and actually at the end I was wearing a smile.  Because I realized something.  First, my kids are learning. Despite dumping out two metric tons of legos onto the floor, the almost three year old could sort by color and part of each category.  The 4yo enjoyed being read to and then is starting to try and read books back to me.

I think yesterday, I was feeling all sorts of bad Catholic because, well, we totally did nothing for Mary's birthday.  I mean oddly we talked about Mary being the Queen mom because well my 4yo asks questions like this, but we didn't do any celebration. This is probably when I should just simply step away from the internet, because well if its making you feel like a failure then well maybe its just time to take a break.

However, today we actually made it to the grocery store. Well, our grocery store is Target, because its the closest and oddly the cheapest besides Aldi and Walmart and well I have issues with each of the latter. In the beginning it wasn't looking good. Ephraim decided it was his trip goal to hit Ben off the side of the cart as many times as possible in five minutes. This made me take him out of the cart to force him to walk and then epic tantrum commenced.  After he calmed down I put him back in and he  was good after that.  However, Ben was overly annoyed that I wasn't buying Helena Dora diapers, because a dirty little secret is that overnight I use a disposable diaper on her, so I have to buy a pack of diapers here and there. It makes my life easier as there are no night leaks and thus no sheet or midnight outfit changes since we bed share.  But Ben got over it.

So feeling internet guilty about not doing anything for mama Mary's birthday, I told the kids we could make a cake and they could pick out the mix and icing.  They picked out funfetti cake and blue vanilla icing.  For those of you who are all organic, I apologize, I have ruined my crunchy cred twice in this post. By the end of our Target trip, Ben was so excited to tell the college aged cashier about our cake.  He just went on and on how we were making this for mama Mary's birthday.  It made my mama heart smile. He even told the cashier how we missed it yesterday and were making the cake a day late.

As the day went on, we didn't get to make the cake till after dinner.  But we made it!  Ben and Ephraim both were stoked to make mama Mary a train shaped cake just like what they would want for their birthday.  (It's one of the random cake pans my mom has passed on to me because I have train loving boys.) The boys were actually really good about mixing and measuring for the cake, and we got it in the oven and then read a ton of books, but then everyone got punchy so we went outside for races.  We raced up and down the block and driveway, the boys loved it and Helena did too and they especially loved it that I sometimes made Helena beat me by holding her out in front of me. Ben and Ephraim decided our trophies would be flowers and it was just good.

You see, I love being outside and being active. Its in my blood, I mean I still play rec soccer just for the fun of it because its just fun to me. And I realize that if I want to be successful at this homeschooling thing, I need to do things that I love to do with the kids.  So races and walks and baking and reading it shall be.  I just gotta be me. As for the cake, we will be 2 days late, and ice it and eat it tomorrow. Yum.