Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Existential Crisis Mode

I miss my life. I miss Forest School and community building. I miss making Little Free Libraries for people and teaching at co-op. I miss it. I miss Jesus and Sunday church community.

I am feeling like I have no purpose, because it just feels like I can't do the things I want to do and I am so ready to do things again. I guess instead I have to be creative and do them differently, and I have been. But then it comes back to the hard things, the things that I have always struggled with and those things are so hard. That it feels like there is an inability to fit in and that I will never been good enough to feel proud of myself. That I am totally terrified of what others think of my heart projects. That maybe, I am just that terrible at English that I can't write a children's book anyway.

And today there was the conversation that made me feel like I didn't belong, everyone else agreed that the world should take into account population control to solve climate change, and its just not true. Instead we have to go and make the big players change their policies. If the little guys can only change the climate by 6 percent, then we definitely need to adjust how the big players see it. My dear husband told me that a lot of excess energy is spent on military operations, and yet a lot of things are not necessary to be what they are.

I do think that scientists are trying, even if sometimes the headlines for the masses may blow up a small finding as huge. I do think we care about this planet, but also we need to care about our people. There's no use having people die in Malawi and then tell them the solution to their problems is to live a westernized way when that's not even on their radar and doesn't allow them to be them.

I was reading the Encountering the Saints Series book on Saint Issac Jogues, and man was he ever tortured. It's hard to think about how the colonizers interacted with the natives with a clear head, knowing what we know now. But at the same time, its really not respecting another human to bite off his thumb or club him in a gauntlet. I remember from the baptists of being told to meet people where they are at when trying to share the gospel with them. I think they tried, but yet they were so different and also associated with their enemies that they just had different ways of thinking about a non native.

I want to be able to approach topics that are hard, that I disagree with others without wanting to say you are dumb for thinking that, because that's not respectful either. I think perhaps its hard though when it attacks your core, and a core that you are unsure of yourself in a way that plays at your weaknesses. I for one do not like to rock the boat, because anytime I have done so, its had major consequences. However, if something is blatantly false, how do I approach someone with dignity but also say you should look at this through a different angle.

I also like books, but most folks don't like to read books that challenge you to think deeply. Most adult fiction is written at a 6th grade level of reading, no higher. Why do you think that is?

So here I am, in existential crisis mode wondering why I will never get over not wanting to be praised and liked. That I will fail here and now and this will make me stronger, even if I don't like it.

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