All the feels

I'm not sure if its a parent thing, or a me thing or what I interpreted my parents being growing thing, but a lot times I struggle with getting to the point where the tears can come.  Maybe I'm too prideful to cry, but I know I need it.  It's been self proven that a good cry does me wonders with my stress.

Today was stressful. I got a call this morning that we should take Ben to the ER, his numbers for dehydration were pretty bad and they thought he should be further evaluated/rehydrated. A mama heart knows when something isn't right.  Even though I made sure he always had water and was drinking it slowly, his body wasn't keeping up.  He was lethargic, sleeping all day and complaining of stomach pain. To me following this recommendation made sense even if it meant I had to forgo teaching that morning to my Algebra students. And honestly, I struggle with letting go that sense of commitment, so to do that meant that I believed that he really needed more care and I couldn't give it to him at home.

And that's the first thing, there is such a tremendous feeling in our world to be in control of our children, and then things like this happen and you realize how much little control you really have.
Like despite your best efforts, bad things can still happen. And I want to say that's okay, but that seems harsh and not the right word. Instead right now it feels sort of sad, sad that you just have to watch sometimes and be patient.  I know that's God there, in control of it all, but still its just feels off somehow. Like despite my efforts to hydrate, he wad super dehydrated, and I couldn't do one thing about it except hand him over to people who could and pray that it would work out okay.

He's still there tonight, with his daddy.  And his daddy is the best person in the world for him to be with right now.  You see I was needed at home with the littler guys.  And my heart was pulled to let him go, but he's with my other half, the stronger one probably and he's going to be okay. I keep reminding myself of that.  And those little ones I had to leave, it breaks my heart every time I have do do so, I love them so, and yes, sometimes I need a break, but in circumstances like this, I want to hold on tight and never let them go.  So they get to sleep in mama's big bed tonight.  And I think they like that at least.

Sometimes, it feels like I can't catch up or catch a break.  It feels like we go from one medical issue to another, from broken bone, to anxiety, to dehydration. It's rough over in the Kurak household.  But maybe God is teaching me something.  Maybe he wants us as a collective family unit to just...slow...down. To come back together and just be with each other. Not plan a trip or entertain guests for a bit, but just be us together, enjoying the gifts of each other.  I love my friends, I do.  But we all need breaks sometimes and maybe God is just making this be our time for that. Maybe I just need to be more and do less. To not be a slave to the schedule. Order and structure are great, but to really know someone, I think we have to break it sometimes.

So when I spent a good amount of the day with my biggest guy, it was good just to sit and knit and talk.  I secretly love that he's been requesting to be read to while sick. It warms my heart so much, because its one thing I can do for him and I love it. But a lot of time the reading aloud it gets overlooked when there is too much going on, and I miss it when it does.

My hardest part of the day was watching the PIC line be put into him.  He writhed and hated it so much. It was really tough to see something so medical be done to my baby.  I keep returning to the thought that I haven't even had that done to me.  I've managed to never need it in giving birth and I'm grateful because I'm a wimp when it comes to these things. To anyone who has had a PIC line put in,  you all are amazing rock stars, every single one of you. I mean that because it was just awful to see someone so dear to me be in pain.  Though I guess, he has been in pain all along, but it felt forced, even if it had to be and the people doing it were super gracious.  It just was hard to witness.

And so tomorrow we will see what comes of his hospital overnight stay.  Will he go home?  We hope so, signs are pointing to yes.  But I'll still pray because God might have something else in mind.  So if you can pray too, I would love that. I hope my rambles weren't too much this evening. :)

Loving that there are Land Before Time DVDs

Suckerpunched

Right now I am feeling sucker punched by anxiety. Things that were becoming easy no longer are. It sucks. I've started a novena and am trying to take time to rest but it's a slow process and I never like it.

You see we just had friends stay with us. They are awesome friends, we love them and they are super people who lift you up and not down so one would think that having them stay would be okay.

But somehow my body didn't like it. Instead the day after they left, I had a full blown panic attack like I never had before. My heart was racing with a pulse of 130-150 for at least a good half hour if not longer. I was completely aware and yet out of control of my body doing this. I did nothing to trigger it at that moment, instead I was gardening and about to peacefully walk home with the kids.

It was awful and I hated it so much because I was helpless. I called my brother and SIL for advice and all the while the baby is upset that I don't want her near me. We talk my brother who struggles also with anxiety tells me that's it's a panic attack and I don't understand, I just want it to be gone. Finally I give in to nursing the baby despite being out of sorts.

And you know what that little girl saved me, nursing her almost immediately calmed my heart rate. I am ever so thankful.

It's amazing how the thing we think causes the mess might actually be the saving grace. The child who we give so much to and we hardly feel like appreciates it, at least in our adult minds, can just be so good for us. To break us of our destruction of self. They do love us, so very much and yes sometimes we can see it, but in the taking so much from us and us giving so much it's hard to see it a lot of times. This one time, I don't think I'll ever forget. 

And so, having that experience has set on a whole new wave of anxiety and it sucks. I'm taking my steps to get it under control/figure out what to change and let go, but it takes time and is an uphill battle a bit. It's opened up some new wounds, or some pieces of me that I struggle with as we all do have our struggles. Through it I try to remind myself God is there and he won't let me down through this. And that will get me through another day.

Humility

It's been a while since I've written on here.  New adventures with schooling and teaching have led the blog to be on the back burner for a while.  I'm currently stuck under a sleeping baby, which would normally constitute a nap, but I'm the worst at napping, so blogging it is.

There have been many things on my mind lately some of them being the notion of people as products in our society, reading and kindergarten, letting go of rigidness, and humility.  The last one is one that I thought I could share a few thoughts on today.

I am someone who loves praise, it makes me feel good.  At the same time I'm constantly praying for humility because well I know I shouldn't be wanting that praise from others but instead should be striving for it from God.  I think sometimes pride, that annoying root quality, gets the best of me in things and it makes me think I'm awesome and people should love me.

But the thing is while I am awesome because God made me, (and you are awesome too because God made you too), I shouldn't be thinking of others liking me as the end all be all that my head sometimes, or honestly a lot of the time plays games with me about. To esteem the approval of others means I'm only going to be unhappy when they let me down. And this is where humility comes in.

I think one of the reasons I am always trying to discern inclusion of social media in my life, or rather the getting rid of it, is that for me it can cause me to spiral down this path of questioning my worth. Its actually a good reminder for me on the days when people don't interact with me or like my stuff that I shouldn't be looking for approval from others. Instead I should be okay with and maybe even get to the point of uniting this feeling with Christ and grow with him. That would be the ultimate goal at least.

So, that's where I'm at today. Enjoy your Sunday!