Tuesday, October 13, 2015

All the feels

I'm not sure if its a parent thing, or a me thing or what I interpreted my parents being growing thing, but a lot times I struggle with getting to the point where the tears can come.  Maybe I'm too prideful to cry, but I know I need it.  It's been self proven that a good cry does me wonders with my stress.

Today was stressful. I got a call this morning that we should take Ben to the ER, his numbers for dehydration were pretty bad and they thought he should be further evaluated/rehydrated. A mama heart knows when something isn't right.  Even though I made sure he always had water and was drinking it slowly, his body wasn't keeping up.  He was lethargic, sleeping all day and complaining of stomach pain. To me following this recommendation made sense even if it meant I had to forgo teaching that morning to my Algebra students. And honestly, I struggle with letting go that sense of commitment, so to do that meant that I believed that he really needed more care and I couldn't give it to him at home.

And that's the first thing, there is such a tremendous feeling in our world to be in control of our children, and then things like this happen and you realize how much little control you really have.
Like despite your best efforts, bad things can still happen. And I want to say that's okay, but that seems harsh and not the right word. Instead right now it feels sort of sad, sad that you just have to watch sometimes and be patient.  I know that's God there, in control of it all, but still its just feels off somehow. Like despite my efforts to hydrate, he wad super dehydrated, and I couldn't do one thing about it except hand him over to people who could and pray that it would work out okay.

He's still there tonight, with his daddy.  And his daddy is the best person in the world for him to be with right now.  You see I was needed at home with the littler guys.  And my heart was pulled to let him go, but he's with my other half, the stronger one probably and he's going to be okay. I keep reminding myself of that.  And those little ones I had to leave, it breaks my heart every time I have do do so, I love them so, and yes, sometimes I need a break, but in circumstances like this, I want to hold on tight and never let them go.  So they get to sleep in mama's big bed tonight.  And I think they like that at least.

Sometimes, it feels like I can't catch up or catch a break.  It feels like we go from one medical issue to another, from broken bone, to anxiety, to dehydration. It's rough over in the Kurak household.  But maybe God is teaching me something.  Maybe he wants us as a collective family unit to just...slow...down. To come back together and just be with each other. Not plan a trip or entertain guests for a bit, but just be us together, enjoying the gifts of each other.  I love my friends, I do.  But we all need breaks sometimes and maybe God is just making this be our time for that. Maybe I just need to be more and do less. To not be a slave to the schedule. Order and structure are great, but to really know someone, I think we have to break it sometimes.

So when I spent a good amount of the day with my biggest guy, it was good just to sit and knit and talk.  I secretly love that he's been requesting to be read to while sick. It warms my heart so much, because its one thing I can do for him and I love it. But a lot of time the reading aloud it gets overlooked when there is too much going on, and I miss it when it does.

My hardest part of the day was watching the PIC line be put into him.  He writhed and hated it so much. It was really tough to see something so medical be done to my baby.  I keep returning to the thought that I haven't even had that done to me.  I've managed to never need it in giving birth and I'm grateful because I'm a wimp when it comes to these things. To anyone who has had a PIC line put in,  you all are amazing rock stars, every single one of you. I mean that because it was just awful to see someone so dear to me be in pain.  Though I guess, he has been in pain all along, but it felt forced, even if it had to be and the people doing it were super gracious.  It just was hard to witness.

And so tomorrow we will see what comes of his hospital overnight stay.  Will he go home?  We hope so, signs are pointing to yes.  But I'll still pray because God might have something else in mind.  So if you can pray too, I would love that. I hope my rambles weren't too much this evening. :)

Loving that there are Land Before Time DVDs

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