Thursday, June 12, 2008

i want to sleep

So the caffeine has worn off. It's after lunch. I have to wait till the calculation steadies one more point. And I want to sleep. What a better way to wait but to talk about how much I want to have a baby and how I struggle with where I am at and what prevents me from doing so.

Well it is pretty obvious to both Keith and I that we are called to be parents. We really want children. And we usually joke that we want to raise little priests and nuns. So I guess that means no grandkids, but oh well. Anyway, I really want to be a mom. Because I want to be able to learn more about sacrificial love and understand what it is to love in another way different than husband and wife love and different then friend love. Sometimes I don't know how to verbalize it well enough.

Keith and I express aloud that we don't want to wait to have children, that we want to be generous parents from the get go (not the GE gas station, :)). Many people have told me that they see me being a mama. I see that right now that is what God intends in my future, however, there are obstacles at present.

First of all, I'm a student in a school without childcare. I'm in a field that is anti-kid, and I am not sure how those around me would react to me bringing a child to work with me, even though I know that it wouldn't be overtly a bad thing. Sometimes I think that would actually make me want to be here, instead of seeing this job as something I have to do so that I get be a mama.

So I have maybe a year or two left here. What will I decide to do. Well Keith and I have decided that for now we will be patient, until September, and then decide if this is something that we can do.

I know that I would not feel bad about making the sacrafices for a child. I don't need to have the latest everything. I actually think that potentially having a baby wouldn't be overtly expensive as long as I stick with attachment parenting, ecological breastfeeding and co sleeping. That means no crib, no constant diaper costs, no baby food costs. A lot cheaper. And all the hospital visits, well, I want a midwife and a doula. Not a doctor. I think that babies were born tons of times without a doctor, and not till the 19OO's did they have doctors for delivery. I don't think its needed that much.

Anyway, so I am a crazy girl, with a supportive husband, who wants to be a mom. Usually this is more than most people get. Probably why they contracept and abort. But yeah God is good, and I know he shares in my sufferings and in my joys as well. So the scary things about having children, well God's there to get me thru it to share in it.

But really in all this, I have learned that I need to pray for guidance. Probably almost daily, and to have faith that if it is God's will, then it will be done and done well if I have anything to say about it. So if anything, all the wanting a baby has challenged me to really think about God and remember that is my focus.

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