And you are five, Helena!

Dear Lenagirl,

You turned five yesterday. You were ever so excited about your birthday from the moment of your last birthday ending. You have such excitement and love for those around you and its just so neat to sit back in those moments every so often and see you become you.

There are glimpses of who you may become and there are things that you are as you are. You are kind, you are helpful, you are generous, you are loving, you are fearless.

This past year you learned to ride a bike and went on the biggest of waterslides. You were not frightened one bit by the waterslides. The bike when we found the right sized one went well too.  It was a little tricky prior to that, but you still didn’t give up.

You want to own a coffee shop at this point, and I would say that is awesome, especially with your ability to bake things and make things in the kitchen well. But even if you change your mind, know that you are loved in your pursuit of your passions for being the best you.

You also want to be a dancer, so I hope we can get you to try some of that out this year.

I have so very much enjoyed your new gained ability to draw humans and how you make letters for everyone around you with your love. You are as sweet as can be with this and I hope you don’t stop until you are sick of making letters, as everyone could use more love and letters in their lives.

You explore the forest with gusto and sometimes in a dress. I couldn’t love you more for that.

Thank-you for being you my dear, here’s to another year of growing and adventures.

Happy Birthday!

With Love,

Your Mama

Goals 2019

I'm sitting here with my 22month old in my lap as she eats a frozen Moo Tube as part of her breakfast. I wanted to write today, so I am. I guess I could state my goals for 2019. One of them is knitting related so here goes.

* I want to knit each person in the family a pair of socks. So far there are 1.5 pairs done. Only 4.5 to go. 😊

* I want to continue to learn German and keep up learning something for myself throughout the whole year. I am enjoying doing this for me in a way that is not for a purpose except to just keep learning.

*I want to read at least 65 books, and I'm about 5 books in.  I love to read and if you have a certain book you think should be on my list, let me know and I will add it to my to read list on Goodreads if I haven't already read it. Also feel free to be my friend on Goodreads by putting in my email, kiera.kurak@gmail.com .  I love to see what others are reading and get ideas for more books.

*I want to consistently continue to write my memoir for my girls weekly. At the the very least I get an hour or two to hang out at the coffee shop, and at the best I get to tell my story so it won't be lost to the ones I love.

* I am trying to figure out the right fit for my family to help either with refugees or with foster families, not to foster full time, but to help in a smaller way. Our house doesn't really allow for us to have another non traditional family member stay there with 3 bedrooms and already 6 people. But we can still help and are looking at organizations to help where we can. Pray that we find the right fit for us.

My word for the year by the random generator was recalibrate, so perhaps that will come into play more, or perhaps I need to choose one on my own still.  Whatever though comes, God is here, he has won the battle over evil and can help me through anything that comes my way.

Here's to a fruitful blessed 2019!

A heart opening

Not a surgery thing at all. I do have a child with a heart defect, but she is currently in status okay and not status fix. Lately, I've been thinking about the poor. I have been in many head battles with myself about my own arrogance. I struggle often with thinking I have got this down better than another. I most days can see that I clearly do not. That instead I am in need of Jesus too. I am maybe needing to meet him differently, but really maybe not even so. Maybe I am in need of him in the exact same way I just have the resources to cover it up better. Because isn't that all that separates us really, resources and access to them.

I wonder

So I've got two medical appointments this week and one has already happened.  Both have the potential to result in surgeries. 

One is already leaning that way as I meet with a vascular surgeon in a week and a half.  I have some incompetent veins that are troublesome. Six pregnancies, and four live births have taken a toll on my body.  Sometimes I find it ironic that tallness can work against health.  But along with that,  many pregnancies and family history I'm left at an impass. I could just not fix them.  And just live with the discomfort and increase for blood clots.  Or I could fix them and at thevery least physically feel better and have my vascular system working better.  The question becomes then being open to life,  as a Catholic,  should I attempt another pregnancy some day.  Is having another baby worth the risk of opening myself to at the very least more surgery and the worst fatal blood clots.  I'm currently unsure. 

The other appointment is to correct a deviated septum as I've already had turbine surgery to widen my nasal passages.  Basically I never can breathe at night and would really like a permanent solution to this problem.  Currently I still struggle with getting good sleep due to mouth breathing. I realize through this that humans are pretty resilient though as I've dealt with this for my entire adult life and have adjusted as so.  I also have poor dental health because of mouth breathing,  despite being a good tooth brusher and flosser. And I know neither are life or death in the moment but they are still issues to contend with and would make my quality of life better if successfully treated. 

So if you have a prayer to send up for me,  I'd much appreciate it.  For now I'll do my best to unite these small sufferings to Jesus.

Why I haven't been blogging as often.

1. I am working on writing a first draft to a memoir of my life for my girls.

2. I am working on figuring out self publishing a children's book about the end of a nursing toddler and mama relationship that I wrote a few years ago and still happen to like the story.

3. I am facilitating Free Forest School at the Cleveland West chapter.

4. Life.

5. But I still think this is a valuable space for my words and so I will be here every so often so, you won't be forgotten.

Cheers!

Ephraim is seven!

Dear Ephraim,

A lot of times you tend to be quiet and let your louder brother speak for you, but more and more you are finding your voice and you can definitely be stubborn about things, that you haven't gotten rid of.  You may attach to things your brother likes but usually you do it in your own way.
In some ways you are very much you, you have an idea in your head and you just go and create it. I love this about you. Today you showed me your American flag you had started making out of duct tape. Nothing is off limits when it comes to tape. You are also my scissors thief, in the best of ways.  If I need a pair of scissors, I always can come to you.

You are a determined little buddy, I love watching you in your athletics as it seems you have the attitude of "I can do that". As long as you want to do it,  the instructor must watch out if you don't want to do it. Then we will find you as a lump not participating, but this is very rare these days. Most things you want to try because you want to be the best at what you do.

But goodness, 7. How are you now so big. You are a first grader and you have learned to read and you are blowing through your school curriculum in a whirlwind. Now if only we could teach you to be better organized and less messy. But perhaps this is why you are the creative genius that you are.

It's fun watching you grow buddy. You are the sweetest with your baby sister. She loves you dearly and you can be the best of brothers to her. I have seen you be great with other babies, so I hope that your gift continues with kids. And I know that you also loved animals, despite your allergies to them. I think you will probably end up one day doing something that you can use your compassion towards other in, and right now you say you want to run an animal shelter.  A good thing to do for sure.

I wish the best for you this year. You will grow so much and love so much and just be a kid climbing to great heights. I enjoy who you are and look forward to who you become.

Love,
Your Mama

September it goes so fast

There is something about September, that it moves so fast. Perhaps it's that school is into full swing an there is never a moment where there isn't something we could be doing. There are small moments where you get to gaze and think, and those are good in themselves, but a lot of it is beginnings and learning and harvesting.

Part of me wants to go back to lazy days, but did I really have them?  Maybe I did, I don't know. I know that I definitely didn't know what to do with myself even in those types of days, and perhaps, my reminiscing self wants to tell herself that those days when babies napped predictably were good and not days to fill with mindless things or worry.  But also I need to perhaps embrace what is now, the 4 children 8 years old down to 1.5 years old. To embrace them in that they are chaotic and there are only few moments where I can steal a moment and write like this. That I have to be more scheduled about taking care of myself. (I booked a haircut for tomorrow, woot!) But this is my life and even if it is fast, with many needs to be met, it is where God has me at. I can't wish for another. I can only embrace the one I've been given.

I don't mean to say that I don't like my life. I do. I like my kids, I like my work, I like my husband. I even like my house. I think sometimes I struggle with the expectations I put on myself to accomplish everything in one day. Perhaps this is why I feel like I am flying, but that is perhaps where I need to grow to remember that I am folding this shirt and it belongs to a little girl that I love that is growing up under my care, and its a very good thing for her to have that shirt. Or these socks were once white but now grey have seen many outside walks with mama saying put on shoes or take off those socks, or this map, it maybe a kids map, but its proudly displayed in our living room because thats where some schooling happens.

So as I set out on a transatlantic adventure next week with a friend and the toddler, I am nervous. But excited. It comes with my personality of okay, I'm probably crazy, but I'm going to jump and do it anyway. I think the jump is good, at least for me. When we bought the tickets for this trip last February, it seemed forever away, and now it is almost here, and I hope it doesn't go so fast itself. I hope I can maybe slow down and just breathe it all in, every waking moment.  And I feel like I will be awake a lot with my non-sleeper toddler I have been given. But again, that's okay. It will be good.