Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Unfortunate sell out

Two posts ago I did a tips post and I felt like a fake for doing it. Tips posts are not me. A nice woman approached me about doing a post reminding people about national safety month and I was excited to have someone approach me about blogging so I did. But I should have said no, because that's not why I blog. I blog what is on my heart, or on my mind or what my crazies have said that has stuck with me. That's what I'd authentically me. And I just wrote a post on this which apparently did not sink in or it didn't transfer off the page to my actions. Whatever it was, I screwed up. I made a mistake and did exactly what I didn't want to do.
And I wonder why I did it. I think there's a few reasons, one, I have trouble saying no. In my life I've recently recognized that I'm a rescuer, and that means I tend not to be honest and fail to say no to something as not offend. Some people would call this being polite, I've since learned that it's not really beneficial to healthy relationship and shouldn't be deemed as so.
The other reason is numbers. It feels good to me when people like me and interact with me and so I thought, hey why not do the cute tips post thing and gain viewers. But this is just wrong for me, it makes me crawl in my own skin, and its not why I should be blogging. Because if just want numbers, then I really don't want to be who God wants me to be, instead, I want to be who man wants me to be. Its just not okay for me to do that. And so I'm sorry, I'm sorry for selling out for a post, I'm sorry for falling into sin with this all.
As a result, I've reevaluated my social media presence, I've shut down my Facebook account, because once again the likes they play into my weakness of numbers. I'm still not sure what exactly to do with the blog and twitter, twitter isn't usually about numbers with me so it may be treated differently, but the numbers of the blog, the validation from others instead of God, that's got to go. And so I'm going to lay low for a bit. I need this time, my poor soul really needs this time. So bear with me, I will return.

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