What I Wore Sunday, The same thing as last time but different edition

I actually got it together for another WIWS.  Unfortunately, I own like 2 cold weather maternity dresses, so you get the same dress done differently here. Below is silly me.

We went to mass at another local parish.  We live in an area where you can pretty much choose a parish within 5 miles for whenever you need to go to mass. It's nice to have that convenience but at the same time you have to make sure you don't parish hop too much. Today we needed a 10am mass, which meant we couldn't go to our actual local parish, we ended up at St. Thomas More in Brooklyn, OH. The kids were pretty good, though for some reason the acoustics of the sanctuary where those that you could hear a pin drop, so we had to work really hard to make sure no one pretended to be a train during mass.  Somehow it worked okay. 

Outfit details:

Cardigan: Present from my mama

Dress: Motherhood Maternity

Leggings: Present from my MIL, my favorite thing to where while pregnant, I really want a pair or two more of these right now.

Shoes: My old and faithful Danskos

Check out more Sunday outfits for WIWS at Fine Linen and Purple! 

Trying to get through it (Part 3)

I have struggled so much with this whole thing because well I felt like I should have been happy with a healthy baby and a healthy me.  I mean, physically we were great. And in those first few weeks, while I was mad at what happened, I didn't really have time to process it, and it went into the back of my mind while I powered through my husband being in school and taking care of 2 kids.

I went into my 6 week checkup with complaints and questions, but nothing got answered.  The only answer I obtained when I asked how this could be prevented again was that it was now on my chart. That didn't cut it, but what could I do when no one would give me answers as to why this happened?

At about 9 weeks post partum, I had a full fledge panic attack in the middle of the night. Oddly my husband had been up late doing school work and I just remember crying to him saying I think there is something wrong with me.  I think I tried to label it in my own head, that maybe I had PPD.  But now I know that wasn't it, I never wanted to harm me or my baby.  It was more like PTSD, but I didn't know that at the time. This didn't happen every night at the time, but gradually increased to not being able to fall asleep, I was terrified to fall asleep. 

This went on for a while, somedays I would sleep, others I wouldn't.  I went in sometime in April to see my doctor, I got the nurse practioner and they suggested that I take melatonin.  I did.  It became almost a crutch for me for a while, but I did sleep more.

When the time came that fertility returned and there was a possibilty of another baby I was a mess.  I couldn't fathom it at that time, I just couldn't.  I didn't know why, but I guess I just tried to put it behind me.  It wasn't until close to a year later that I could imagine a baby again.  But there were still a lot of questions in my mind.

I think at this point I knew I had to do something different, a home birth.  I was going against the establishment in my decision.  I told people it was because it was due to me sucking at getting to the hospital on time and me, liking to labor at home anyway. These may be true, but there was something more.  Simply what happened last time...could...not...happen...again.

I was scared to make this choice though because it meant I had to trust someone new again, but hopefully someone who wasn't going to let me down.  But knowing what I knew about homebirth midwifery, she was going to know that I was human.  I wasn't going to be able to hide behind my facade that I am so good at putting up for people.

It took me to the second appointment to completely fall apart.  But it was good.  She now knows where I am coming from, why this means so much and instead of not having faith in me.  She suggested some ways to get closure, not to force is but to try for it. She said some powerful words to me that have stuck with me, "You need to know that you don't need anyone to do this(give birth), you don't need me and you don't need them, you can do this all on your own.  This doesn't mean that I am not going to try my best to be there, but you can do this."

And I'm still processing that, because I've never thought of it in that way.  But I think it is helping, because God did design us to be able to do this, and while there are times where intervention is necessary, many times its not.  Many times, we just need someone to catch that baby and clean us up, at least that has been my case. And I know there are people on all sides of the spectrum when it comes to birth, and I think as long as you are informed and happy with your choice that its good.  I am just glad there is way to get through this all for me.

Go back and Read Part 2 or Part 1. 

Trying to get through it (Part 2)

Ephraim was a good 8 days late. I was struggling this for many factors, basically I had a 5 day early baby last time and even to make it to full term was different. I think though besides just feeling the weight of the unknown, there was also the question of how was this going to end.

So as I said, I went into labor post taking a nap.  Probably a nap that I so much needed because well, I wasn't sleeping well prior to that. I woke up feeling sick.  I called my friend G and asked her she had felt this with the start of her labor.  I hadn't had this last time around, but as I found out every labor and every baby is different. This quickly progressed to cramping like contractions and full out labor.  I called my midwife's office, she said I could have come in at that point, but I said I had to wait till my husband came home to do that.  So I labored at home, giving my husband a heads up first, like I did last time with the inconvenience of a toddler jumping on me this time.

The labor was quick and hard so by 7pm I called the midwife on call again, Sarah, telling her we would be in shortly.  We quickly rearranged that Ben would go to the neighbors house because my in laws were in a concert for my BIL out of cell phone range.  And then headed to the hospital/birthing center.

We got there at little after 8pm. It was about a 30 minute drive to the hospital/birthing center for us. We checked into the ER which is where they take labor and delivery patients at that particular place. And we waited for someone to come down and get us.  It was definitely a good 30 minute wait down in the ER waiting room until someone came to get us.  The ER folks paged the L&D folks a few times because they couldn't understand why no one was coming to get us. When the nurse came, I believe she told us that she was waiting for the midwife to show up, and she hadn't yet.  She asked if I wanted a wheelchair.  I said no, that I could walk, because well my water hadn't broken, I was still lucid and talking normally, and maybe this didn't clue her in to how far along I was in my labor.

So we walked across the hospital, contractions along the way. We pass a statue of St. Gerard on the way, its a Catholic hospital btw. We get to the birthing center room, at this point, I'm pretty uncomfortable, but I manage to lie down on my side so she can check my progress. As soon as she checks I see the look on her face, total shock and kind of scared because the midwife still isn't there.  She goes to page someone to get the on-call doctor in here now.  I get up to use the bathroom, water breaks over the toilet.  The nurse yells at me because she says I should have stayed in bed.  Um birthing center, right?  I signed on for freedom of movement during it all.  Apparently, I wasn't going to get that.

The on call doctor comes in and immediately tells me to get onto the bed. She says I have to deliver on my back, the worst feeling position in the world at that moment.  Birth plan, thrown out the window from here on out.  All I can say, was that it was a good thing it was a second baby and I only had to push maybe 3 times to get him out.  If it was any longer I probably would have punched someone, because on top of all the mess, my husband wasn't allowed to hold my hand.  The on-call doctor told him he couldn't. My husband had been my rock last time, and well he wasn't allowed to do or say anything.

Post birth, I was bullied into a shot of pitocin, which, I was told later if the midwife was there it wouldn't have happened.  And while I know part wasn't on call doctor's fault, she was doing things the way an OB would do it in a birthing situation.  I just really didn't sign on board for all the non-control consents I felt like I was forced into then. And after that I was left alone pretty much.  They did let me feed my baby right away, they didn't weigh him right away like most hospitals would do.  So maybe that helped a little.  But my midwife never did show up during all of this.

It wasn't until 10pm that she, Sarah, did make an appearance to ask if everything was okay and then quickly made an exit.  So either at this point, because Dr. On Call had delivered my baby and she could no longer do anything, or she knew she had let me down. She was supposed to be there and she wasn't.

Now, part of it may have been how the hospital worked with the midwifes and never had them on call on site like they do a doctor, but there was plenty of time for her to get there and she didn't.

The next day, Cara showed up to greet us.  She told us of other stories about 2 of her patients not even getting to the hospital and having to deliver their babies on their own.  This might have been to make us  feel so fortunate that we had at least gotten there and were cared for by someone. But really it felt like I was again insignificant in the scheme of things.  Even though I had done my part, they had failed to do their part, and to try to play it off we tell slightly outrageous stories so that you can't say you were let down.

Read Part 1 here.

Trying to get through it (Part 1)

It's taken me a while to be okay with the pregnancy. Not that I didn't want it, or not that I would have ever considered ending it.  It's just that the last go of it was rough on me.  And while there wasn't anything wrong with me physically or with my baby.  My head wasn't and really still isn't.  My current midwife encouraged me to write it all down. I may have written bits and pieces of it. I may have tried to be okay with what happened, but the thing is I'm not.  It effected me enough that I had anxiety off and on the last two years and I have come to hate fall.  I have been a mess the last two falls, and well that isn't right.

You see last time, around things didn't go right. I was annoyed to say the least, but I didn't understand how much it effected me until I found myself pregnant with a third baby.  I mean I knew I had anxiety from Ephraim, but really his non-sleeping bit just probably was the tip on the iceberg. He otherwise was a rather fine baby. It was this time around that I found myself in a frenzy.  I could and probably still can work myself up so much that my heart races at ridiculous amounts that it shouldn't while being pregnant.  I am even awesome at raising my own blood pressure, not enough to be scary, but enough to know that something isn't right.

So what did happen?  Well I guess it came down to the fact that I was let down and made to feel like I didn't matter.  I had a great experience in my first birth with Ben that I had come to think that could happen again.  I had heard great things about this so-called birthing center. I wanted part of it, because I wanted as little intervention as possible again and well this was the place that was supposed to do it. This was the place with the midwife that was supposed to be amazing. To actually get the midwife that you saw with your pre-natal care.  A novelty to me, I had before hand been seen by a group that couldn't tell me who would actually be at my baby's birth.  Little did I know, the same thing was happening at the "birthing center" as well.

When I started going for pre-natal care, it was just one midwife, who we will call Cara, what I was signing on for I thought. Then after two more visits another midwife, let's call her Sarah, was added into the mix.  I was still okay with this. I figured okay, one out of two, I at least will have seen both of them by the time this baby was born. But apparently by the end of the pregnancy, the office had combined with another office and well, it was the same thing as the first go of it. And while I know this is the norm amongst medical practice now.  It shouldn't be.  Because honestly, for someone to get the best care, the doctor, or midwife should really know their patient. This rotation of caregivers to the patient doesn't allow that.  Instead they become a chart, a number mostly.

Near the end of the pregnancy, I still saw either Cara or Sarah.  Cara and Sarah couldn't agree on me.  One thought I was measuring very far off, and the other thought everything was fine.  Sarah, the one who thought I was measuring off by 5 weeks, sent me in for a late 3rd trimester ultrasound.  And well it came back that Cara was right, but honestly, this is the problem with group midwifery, not everyone has the same philosophy or style.  I ran into this a bit in my first full term pregnancy too, but it wasn't as extreme.  It just was more or less a personality difference than a non-agreement. So I got this ultrasound, which was completely ineffective for what she wanted it to be, but the ultrasound tech said my dates were approximately right.

Another odd, but important fact, was at one appointment at around 7 months in, Cara snapped at my toddler during an office visit. She yelled at him for playing with the bottom of a scale, not because it was breakable, it wasn't, the sound just annoyed her.  This made me so upset, probably more so than my toddler, but I held it in until I was in the car. I later called the office and talked to the office manager, Lisa,  about this incident, who had had her children with Cara attending. Lisa assured me that Cara must have been having a rough day and that she would not be like this at my baby's birth.  This however, did make me switch to just seeing Sarah for a while.

So I went over my due date, and lo and behold I had to sit through a non-stress test for the baby.  To make sure everything was okay.  I went with a toddler in tow, so you best believe that exam room was destroyed by the end as I had to sit tight for an hour. Because yes, the midwife, Sarah, the one who was so worried about me measuring off, forgot about me. Maybe this should have been a warning sign.

Eight days past my due date, I go into labor post taking a nap. (to be continued)

What I Wore Sunday...It's been a while

It has been forever since I have done one of these.  A lot has changed.  A baby on the way and fall has come.  Today's readings were interesting to me, I feel like the parables seem to apply more now as an adult then they did in younger years.  I guess to summarize the message the priest gave today would be to try to put at least as much effort into our eternal goal of Heaven that we do on our temporal needs.  Considering I just was saying this to myself yesterday, it was okay God, I get it more time with you.

But here is the outfit, and maybe a sick kiddo or two.  The boys have hand, foot and mouth, so mass was a solo thing for me today. I enjoyed it except that I was a bit woozy at times which means I either didn't eat enough this morning, or my iron is low, which is probably very likely as it was borderline when it was checked.

Outfit details:

Necklace: Target

Tunic: Motherhood Maternity

Pants: Borrowed from my sister

Shoes: Sanita

Crazy Not Feeling Well Boys: Ephraim and Ben

Check out more WIWS at Fine Linen and Purple! 

A maybe longish update

This blogging thing I do, really isn't a get people on my team thing, but an ongoing snapshot of what is going on in my life and those around me.  Like back in the day when we kept journals, well this is my journal. I would someday be able to give this to my daughter (God-willing I'll have at least one) or daughter-in-law so she can see how early motherhood was in my eyes, and maybe we can understand one another a little bit more. Anyway, here is an update, because well I haven't given one of those I feel in forever.

1. I ended up nursing Ephraim till he was 22.5 months old.  We quit for reals about 2 weeks ago, because really he was done and honestly I was done too.  I guess the motivator came when I started taking an allergy med that I wasn't allowed to take when still nursing.  If you would have told me that I would have nursed a child that long when I was starting out in this motherhood gig, I might have laughed at you.  Its odd how it all worked out.  I think in time it definitely got easier and well he needed it and it helped me to not resent him with his non-sleeping personality that we will get into later.  I think this experience overall made me realize I had more stamina than I thought, and that I started to care less of what people thought of me. With Ben, public nursing rarely happened, with E, it happened all the time, and well it just had to in order to keep going.

2. Ephraim is on a no nap strike and while it is hard, I think that it means he may be done.  I think its just that at the most when he naps right now its 45 minutes tops, and if he does that he is awful to put down at night.  I much rather prefer Ephraim easily asleep by 7pm rather than Ephraim awake till 9:30-10pm. It's just odd to say that because well he's not quite 2. He is little, but he is so different from his brother and well, in most of his life he hasn't wanted to sleep the same as him ever.  I do know he is getting enough sleep by his disposition and how he manages to sleep for at least 12 maybe 13 hours at night straight through.  Btw, this was the child who didn't sleep through the night till 20-21 months old. Yep, and we are having another.  Craziness I know.

3. I'm considering trying to get the boys and I involved in some volunteer opportunity that they can perhaps do with me.  I was thinking St. Vincent De Paul, since it is right down the street, but not sure if it is kid friendly.  Any thoughts?

4. I am going to try out homebirth for this third baby of mine.  Because well, I suck at getting to the hospital in time, I like laboring at home, and like to do natural childbirth.  So why not take the plunge?  I hope I can do it, I sometimes struggle with the idea I get in my head that I am not going to be able to do it for some reason, but I realize that negative thinking and so well, I figure I should spin it around to, "With God, I can do this!"  But if you could send some prayers up that I continue to be positive about that would be great. Btw, totally have a midwife and everything, just still a new experience for me, which apparently seems to be the way things go with me.  I can't do the same thing twice unless satisfied completely, this apparently includes childbirth.

5. I am currently a little over 16 weeks pregnant.  Still too early for me to feel kicks, I know some women do this early, I haven't yet, so still awaiting that.  I guess it was called quickening back in the day, correct me if I am totally wrong, as I am sure to be.  This pregnancy has had its ups and downs, the awful hit quick and hard, but since then has been much, much better.   If only I could tell my sinuses to calm down, we would be all okay.  I keep imagining a little girl with red curls this time around, but I could be totally wrong.  Any bet takers?

6. October is gearing up to be a busy month with a plane trip to Nashville to visit a friend, a trip to Pittsburgh to hang out with the grandparents, Ephraim's 2nd birthday, and an overnight in Ohio Amish country to end it all.  I have no idea how we got so busy so fast.

7. I signed up once again for a bible/religious book study where the boys come with me but play in another room.  I have really enjoyed these studies full of women really trying to live out their faith that are full of inspiration for me.  I hope this is another good book.  It is called The Ear of the Heart and its about an actress who decided to then become a nun.  I haven't cracked it open but I think it will be an interesting read.

8. Fall is always an interesting time, as everyone gets on a schedule again and with my kids being little, I sometimes feel left out of the loop.  That and we aren't doing 3 year old pre-school, at least nothing formally.  I have checked out Elizabeth Foss's storybook alphabet books, and have added a bunch to the list that we get every week or so at the library.  I think we are still on letter A, but does it matter anyway.

9. The kids have gotten into Starfall.com.  I randomly saw a tweet by Cari Donaldson about it, and I thought I would check it out.  The kids love it, so already we kind of have to limit the time they spend on it, but even Ephraim seems to be enjoying and learning from it.  All I have to say is Thank God for touch screens in this instance, we first tried it on the computer and they kept wanting to touch it on my screen, totally doesn't work on a laptop. But despite me being a luddite when it comes to kids and learning, I think that it is something that we can use as a tool for good and well it really can't be avoided completely in this life we live.

10. The boys have hand, foot, and mouth disease currently.  Ephraim has it worse.  Ben has had a mild enough case that I simply thought he had a clothing rash from detergent.  Not so, definitely was a virus.  Now I totally feel awful that he was hanging out with other kids that really could have caught it and well might be down for the count like Ephraim is for the next 5 days.

So that is all.  Hope you all are having an excellent weekend!

And then there were more...

(title credit, Jeanine Spano's old blog. :) )

New arrival due in early March.  I'm not wanting to do a pregnancy post yet, so I will leave it at that.