When in conflict

 I have decided its a pretty taxing thing to feel in conflict always with the church you belong to. To know that you have thought about things a lot and have researched and listened to others, and just cannot have the point of things that you once did, it's a bit brain fraying. I've been watching what the people say that are still devout and its interesting because I think they simplify the situation so that there are no grey areas. But there are always grey areas, and most people live in the margins of those grey areas. To listen and to understand what is actually happening in a situation instead of just having a hard and fast rule takes time and effort. But I think we are better for it. I see this as a parent, it's easier to say no to all the things, but sometimes you have to give a yes where you normally would have a no. I wonder if perhaps its just easier to demonize the other viewpoint than it is to have compassion. It's so interesting to see how God shows up in different ways to different people. I know he's an all encompassing God, so in the end he can handle our differing ways of solving problems. However, it would be good to see more listening and learning to situations that are outside of your own. 

High School selections

 I can never quite think of a great title, but alas, I want to write. I have been dealing with high school applications for my oldest, and it has been a huge process. It is because we live in the city of Cleveland and there are just so many different choices. There are so many public magnet schools and then there are the private schools, and then there are the charter schools, and last the private charter schools. He has so far checked out 4 different schools. His first choice is a private school that is $34,000 a year to go. It feels preposterous and completely impossible to actually send him, but the thing is I love it too. 

 The high school is a mastery based concept high school. It's not the rat race of grades and "must get into college at all costs" high school. Instead its a model of real world problems where you dive deep and learn the things you need to learn along the way and then interact to solve a problem for a community business or organization. It feels like homeschooling at its finest but with the resources to actually be able to pull it off. 

I really, really hate the rat race of grades and such because its just not really how I think life should be. I also don't ever remember being stressed to the max as a high school student in that way and I was the valedictorian of my high school class. Why are we making the teenagers so stressed out about their life choices? All I think is that it mostly means that the teen will become burnt out. And perhaps this was the one thing that I was stressed out in, sports. I had gotten to a level of soccer that no longer felt fun and I didn't think it was worth doing it any more in that level. But that wasn't really the same stress of must achieve, but more so that I didn't want to do it anymore and so I ran instead. 

It is fascinating to see it through his eyes, and I think he definitely sees where I am coming from but also is his own person, and probably stresses a whole lot more about these things like his dad does. The first born child is geared toward people pleasing a bit. We shall see as it goes on, where he gets in and what he chooses come May. 

Mother's Day

 So much of me hates Mother's Day. It embodies memories of fighting with my own mom, burying my baby, taking a kid to the ER and just all these expectations. Somehow I feel like it would be nice to just be taken care of all day, but to actually get that where I am in life, that's not going to happen, at least not by the people around me. I am going to get a massage, and I am sure there are other ways I could take care of myself. I don't think I'd mind sitting in the coffee shop by myself for breakfast and writing. Perhaps this is what I should do.  I love words of affirmation, so perhaps I will once again write some stories as words of affirmation to myself, that I am doing this motherhood thing. Yes, I think I just might do that. 

Poem, 1.5

 To feed, to clothe, to give a roof over one's head. 

Those are the basics. 

 To be able to accept, hear, and understand. 

Those are the things that bring love. 

Somehow the latter is so much harder. 

Perhaps because we fight to still have the former. 

When will we learn.