Saturday, August 3, 2013

Sometimes old memories resurface

I saw this post the other day on a group I am part of that was from the Birth Without Fear blog.  I guess it was just posted to the FB page, but it brought up what happened to me with Ben.  What I lived through.

The woman had been told to terminate her pregnancy or stop her master's program.  Let's just say this didn't surprise me one bit.  As a graduate student you are expected to put your research first and everything else is to become a far second or a third I guess.  When someone does something that changes this, it is frowned upon. Being pregnant is one of these things.

And while I can't actually publish what went on with my situation. It wasn't pretty.  And I won't accuse anyone of telling me to have an abortion, they didn't.  But I definitely didn't have it easy.  I hid the last month or so that I was researching because I couldn't take the abuse at 7-8 months pregnant. I was thankful that I was able to get outside of the situation, higher up help who did care. However, the memories still are there.  I still have a really hard time setting foot anywhere close to my graduate school's campus without being tense.

I think oddly however, this is why motherhood the first time around came so easy and was so welcomed.  It was something that was so pure and good compared to what I was coming from that I just felt capable.  I know that isn't the usual reaction to motherhood the first time around, but for me I needed this.  I needed this so much because so much wrong had happened before my son's birth. God was looking out for me, and I was extremely blessed with this welcomed transition.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I am really going with this, but I just had to get that out of my head.  It's been plaguing me a bit the past few days.

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