I am in the midst of something that I would love to write about but can't online. It's kept me thinking that I shouldn't write at all on here. So I don't. But I think that keeps me in the darkness, and I need the light. So I had a long talk with a friend last night and she said that I should find little bits of joy each day. As yesterday was wonderful waking up to a fresh few inches of snow and just being surprised by it all, I was actually motivated to do things. I had prayed for motivation two nights ago and was given the grace of actually having it that day. But now for a bit of joy.
Ben had his first recital for his clarinet. He has only played it for about 3 months and so its still very new. However, he hemmed and hawed about performing and last minute decided that he would do so after his lesson the week prior. We showed up and there were only about 8 kids performing that day. A lot of them came later due to circumstances, so Ben became the third student to perform. He was very Ben in many ways, playing with the microphone, exploring the stage, putting together his instrument on stage when it was supposed to already be put together. But then he looked all around. He wouldn't start. I was trying to hang out in the back because Stella was being quite loud and angry as it was hangry tired toddler time. But I came into his sight and he sighed and said, "There she is." and then he started. It was a bit of a teary moment for me, to understand love in that way. Sometimes at almost 10 he is very tween like and wanting his independence, but in other things he still sees me as a comfort and this was one. Perhaps in his mind he just wanted to be able to play for me and for me not to miss it, but the whole sigh, that was my heart growth moment, and my little bit of joy.