Today, my emotions have run the gauntlet. I woke up content, then went to being disappointed after taking my temperature and finding it had gone down, which in turn was confirmed by the start of my period. Extreme disappointment at that point. And then I was angry and wanted to blame someone and I did as soon as the phone rang, sorry prince. Then I was unmotivated to do anything, and then hopeful. Then I totally lost it at mass and started crying my eyes out, while trying to stop the tears at the same time. I could barely get Amen out at communion. Afterward, I held my cool, forgot about it because I wasn't going to be able to discuss what was going on with Keith until we got in the car. Then I let it all go, though no crying. I made Keith mad, because I said everything that came to mind in my thoughts, and he of course thought I was overreacting. Maybe I was, but at this point I just needed someone to listen to me and love me. Unfortunately, he only had gotten 2 hours of sleep the previous night, so I just didn't make any sense to him. Which caused me more frustration. But then I got to the point that I realized he loves me but he's just too tired to react well, even though he initiated my explanation.
I've read Arwen Mosher's blog for about 5 hours now I think today. Kinda ridiculous. But I needed a happy ending. I needed to see someone go through a similar struggle, granted mine isn't what her's is. I could see the Holy Spirit working through her words and into my reading. I think I need to learn to put it entirely in God's hands and not get discouraged. That maybe I have to carry this cross to learn something that will get me closer to Jesus. It's hard though, I don't want to think about it in that manner. I want it to just be ok. I know that even though I want this so bad, and had a short glimpse of it in January, that I still have to align myself to God's will. Not that it be done on my time, but on his. That I might grow in him. I guess that in someways I am thankful for the struggle, I will appreciate the gift more I hope. I hope when it comes, I won't take if for granted. So I simply ask for a prayer, for strength to carry the cross, and to abandon my version of how life should go according to the plan of Kiera, and instead embrace the path to align it to God's will.
It's funny, everytime I meet new people and discuss that I am about a year away from graduating, they ask well what's next for you. Before I hesititated about telling them about wanting to be a mom. Then I got some courage, and then when these troubles started, I have been more hesitant about expressing my desire to be a mother. I usually avoid answering the question or evade that part of my answer, saying instead that I want to teach chemistry to underprivileged youth or something along that manner. Or even easier, I'll pull out the Keith and I want to be missionaries card. Which is still so true, but I want to do the motherhood thing along with being a missionary. I want be a good example to those around me to how a family can be strong with Jesus.
So I am gonna continue to pray and learn to trust, to really fully accept the grace of God in this all. If you find it in your heart to pray for my husband and I as we struggle and grow in this time of our life, I would love that.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
As I am reading a few years of a past blog posts came upon this
just wanted to do something for my blog. have had thoughts, but I don't want to world to know them. Though please pray for Keith and I we are going through a difficult time, and have been since December.
Ten years ago: I was 15. I was a sports aholic. I played on 5 soccer teams and ran cross country. I ended up at states that year, the first girl to go to states since the seventies from my school. Suprisingly after that at least 3 girls made it to states once I left HS. We finally had a girls soccer team at high school, so I didn't have to play with the boys anymore. I was secretly in love with one of my classmates, and even went to homecoming with him against my parents will for me not to date in high school.
Five years ago: I was a junior in college in TN. I went to Nicaragua that year, which was the first time I had been outside the US without my family. Though Jro was with me, and she is practically family in my book. Jro got engaged that winter, and I had an awesome time helping her plan her wedding. I was also taking two classes of quantum chemistry and playing club soccer, and being completely fascinated with the all Brazilian tennis team.
One year ago: I was in my 3rd year of grad school. I was teaching freshman lab still, and discerning whether or not youth ministry was something that I was going to go into. This was also my one year anniversary of becoming Catholic, which was an awesome reflection time. Keith and I were married, and we were enjoying married life and playing soccer together.
Yesterday: I was at school working on my second journal article, completely exhausted. I went to daily mass and to a Fish Fry that night before being a couch potato and hanging out with my husband peacefully because I wasn't feeling all that well.
Five snacks I enjoy: Dark Chocolate anything, 5 minute chocolate cake. ice cream, carrot zucchini bars, and chocolate milk.
Five songs I know all the words to: "Paula Sparks" by Copeland, probably any delirious song, my favorites being from the Mezzamorphis album. "I'm doing everything' by The Rocket Summer, "What is Love' by Cool Hand Luke, and "Knocked Out" by Bleach
Five things I would do with $100 million: Pack up move to another country that needed help and minister there and use the extra money to give them clean water, Go to Maurtius to live there and become a citizen (teach and volunteer there), adopt children that need homes. help those struggling with keeping a roof over their homes, give to existing charities that are doing something critical but don't have the money to keep going.
Five places I would escape to: Northern Ireland, Mauritius, Honduras, Uganda, Alaska in the summer
Five bad habits: wanting to be right all the time, not listening and wanting to solve the problem my way, laziness at times when I should be productive, being critical of others
Five things I like doing: being outside, walking/running, reading, playing sports for fun, cooking
Five things I'd never wear: anything that shows cleavage, stilettos, sequins, strapless gowns unless I am required to do so. a bikini without wearing surfer shorts.
Five TV shows I like: One tree hill, gilmore girls, the office, heroes, ugly betty
Five biggest joys of the moment: my new niece, that keith and I get to be Dani's godparents, that I have an awesome husband, that I know God has me in his hands, that is getting warmer outside.
Five favorite toys: my ipod, my coffee cup, roomba, my laptop, whatever book I am reading.
Ten years ago: I was 15. I was a sports aholic. I played on 5 soccer teams and ran cross country. I ended up at states that year, the first girl to go to states since the seventies from my school. Suprisingly after that at least 3 girls made it to states once I left HS. We finally had a girls soccer team at high school, so I didn't have to play with the boys anymore. I was secretly in love with one of my classmates, and even went to homecoming with him against my parents will for me not to date in high school.
Five years ago: I was a junior in college in TN. I went to Nicaragua that year, which was the first time I had been outside the US without my family. Though Jro was with me, and she is practically family in my book. Jro got engaged that winter, and I had an awesome time helping her plan her wedding. I was also taking two classes of quantum chemistry and playing club soccer, and being completely fascinated with the all Brazilian tennis team.
One year ago: I was in my 3rd year of grad school. I was teaching freshman lab still, and discerning whether or not youth ministry was something that I was going to go into. This was also my one year anniversary of becoming Catholic, which was an awesome reflection time. Keith and I were married, and we were enjoying married life and playing soccer together.
Yesterday: I was at school working on my second journal article, completely exhausted. I went to daily mass and to a Fish Fry that night before being a couch potato and hanging out with my husband peacefully because I wasn't feeling all that well.
Five snacks I enjoy: Dark Chocolate anything, 5 minute chocolate cake. ice cream, carrot zucchini bars, and chocolate milk.
Five songs I know all the words to: "Paula Sparks" by Copeland, probably any delirious song, my favorites being from the Mezzamorphis album. "I'm doing everything' by The Rocket Summer, "What is Love' by Cool Hand Luke, and "Knocked Out" by Bleach
Five things I would do with $100 million: Pack up move to another country that needed help and minister there and use the extra money to give them clean water, Go to Maurtius to live there and become a citizen (teach and volunteer there), adopt children that need homes. help those struggling with keeping a roof over their homes, give to existing charities that are doing something critical but don't have the money to keep going.
Five places I would escape to: Northern Ireland, Mauritius, Honduras, Uganda, Alaska in the summer
Five bad habits: wanting to be right all the time, not listening and wanting to solve the problem my way, laziness at times when I should be productive, being critical of others
Five things I like doing: being outside, walking/running, reading, playing sports for fun, cooking
Five things I'd never wear: anything that shows cleavage, stilettos, sequins, strapless gowns unless I am required to do so. a bikini without wearing surfer shorts.
Five TV shows I like: One tree hill, gilmore girls, the office, heroes, ugly betty
Five biggest joys of the moment: my new niece, that keith and I get to be Dani's godparents, that I have an awesome husband, that I know God has me in his hands, that is getting warmer outside.
Five favorite toys: my ipod, my coffee cup, roomba, my laptop, whatever book I am reading.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
really really interesting
from the 1950's an interview with Margaret Sanger
http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/multimedia/video/2008/wallace/sanger_margaret.html
I want to slap her in the face until she stops being an idiot. And Mike Wallace is very intelligent in his questions.
http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/multimedia/video/2008/wallace/sanger_margaret.html
I want to slap her in the face until she stops being an idiot. And Mike Wallace is very intelligent in his questions.
Monday, March 16, 2009
for those of you who think St. Patricks day means getting drunk
The Breastplate of St Patrick
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation. Amen.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation. Amen.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
a little bit of copeland lyrics
kinda reminds me of what a person goes through in their everyday journey of life, and the renewal that comes with reconcilation. (though to get the full effect of the song, you need to listen to it, there's a good 1.5 minute instrumental intro)
When Finally Set Free
by Copeland
"Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again (3X)
Well if you would shine your love down here oh
Make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here oh
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you"
When Finally Set Free
by Copeland
"Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again (3X)
Well if you would shine your love down here oh
Make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here oh
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you"
Thursday, March 5, 2009
one week of lent down, 5ish more to go.
Maybe if you aren't Catholic, lent doesn't mean much to you. I know growing up Presbyterian, we did have a lent per say, but I didn't do much with it except give up some particular food item. Not that it is a bad thing especially if that food item is getting in the way of your relationship with God. This lent I have been bombarded with ways to embrace lent, and the bombardment has been good. Maybe its because I am so surrounded with aspects of my faith that I can't get away, but I think that is a good thing, as we are always called to go deeper. I have 4 almsgiving collection bowls/cups to put money into, and I want to fill everyone one of them. Because they all are for great causes. I love the rich liturgy of this time, and the sense of evaluating where one is with God, to start anew with a clean slate, and to say yes to the calling.
I am just excited for this season of lent, of renewal, to grow closer, with those things that you mean to do for your relationship with God, but somehow don't make the time for because of the business of life. Ultimately, it tugs at my heart to serve, to be a missionary in one sense or another. Though, we want to go overseas at some point, whether it be Sur de America or Mauritius. Both places make me all teary eyed, because I just love the faith of non westernized folks. They truly choose to live it and rely on God. They don't have these conveniences that we have. No Tivo, iphones, ipods, or heated car seats, or Uggs. But the passion is there, so much more than us lazy loafs that have everything.
As for this lent with my lenten resolutions, I have so far been to a daily mass a week, and have abstained from ice cream, and have really tried to keep up with the little black book devotional. When it comes to facebook, its been hard. Especially when its what I would do in my many moments of downtime during calculations at work. I think I could avoid facebook easily at home, because there are things to do, but at work, I have to be here at the computer, it is so tempting!! But it actually is getting a little easier everyday. I am trying to pray when I think about how I can't get on it, and maybe thats why its getting easier. But it is overall still difficult, because there are people I want to contact, that I know I only have contact through facebook, well I could call them right? Most of them yes I could. And thus I should. The only real regret I have about giving up facebook, is that my sister and I have had a strained relationship over the past 2+ years, and we were actually starting to communicate again thru facebook. However, it was to a point that we actually are emailing a little bit too, so maybe I will just keep it up thru that instead.
So that is my lent so far. I'm enjoying soaking in some scripture as well, thru the daily readings, and reading on my own. Hope those of you taking part in lent are having a good time getting closer to Jesus as well.
Love.
I am just excited for this season of lent, of renewal, to grow closer, with those things that you mean to do for your relationship with God, but somehow don't make the time for because of the business of life. Ultimately, it tugs at my heart to serve, to be a missionary in one sense or another. Though, we want to go overseas at some point, whether it be Sur de America or Mauritius. Both places make me all teary eyed, because I just love the faith of non westernized folks. They truly choose to live it and rely on God. They don't have these conveniences that we have. No Tivo, iphones, ipods, or heated car seats, or Uggs. But the passion is there, so much more than us lazy loafs that have everything.
As for this lent with my lenten resolutions, I have so far been to a daily mass a week, and have abstained from ice cream, and have really tried to keep up with the little black book devotional. When it comes to facebook, its been hard. Especially when its what I would do in my many moments of downtime during calculations at work. I think I could avoid facebook easily at home, because there are things to do, but at work, I have to be here at the computer, it is so tempting!! But it actually is getting a little easier everyday. I am trying to pray when I think about how I can't get on it, and maybe thats why its getting easier. But it is overall still difficult, because there are people I want to contact, that I know I only have contact through facebook, well I could call them right? Most of them yes I could. And thus I should. The only real regret I have about giving up facebook, is that my sister and I have had a strained relationship over the past 2+ years, and we were actually starting to communicate again thru facebook. However, it was to a point that we actually are emailing a little bit too, so maybe I will just keep it up thru that instead.
So that is my lent so far. I'm enjoying soaking in some scripture as well, thru the daily readings, and reading on my own. Hope those of you taking part in lent are having a good time getting closer to Jesus as well.
Love.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
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