Bury the dead

I definitely didn't think I would be doing this particular act of mercy in this year of mercy, to bury the dead.  And yet somehow I am.  And maybe, maybe this feels like a bit, because well it was just a little baby, not more than 3-4 inches long. Just a little over 13 weeks along when he was delivered. I delivered him and saw him, this little tiny person, so beautiful so st peace, so unaware of the turmoil constantly inside his mama's head. So, this what I need to do, what our family needs to do.  Because this little one, even though so little was already so loved.  And I can't imagine it any other way. Tomorrow, we bury him.  We named him Noel. Our little Noel Kurak, we love you so much.

St. Noel Chabanel was man that struggled with so many things as an early settler to North America. He couldn't handle the new environment very well, and yet he knew he was there, and he didn't know if his circumstances would change any time soon, so he decided to follow the will of God anyway, even though it was tough.  Oddly he said this and then was martyred the next day, but he didn't know that was going to happen.

Somehow this reminds me of our little saint now in heaven. Because for a long time on the inside I was grappling with this pregnancy, some things were said to me that were like a knife in my heart, and so I wasn't wanting to shout with joy that I was carrying new life, and so I kept coming back to this Saint, because he was in tough times but saw God's greater hand at work. I'm not sure I ever really came to grips with everything 100% before tragedy struck, but I think that's gotta be okay. It's where I was at, God was there with me in my struggle. And maybe that's what I need to see in this overall,  in this loss of a life that I never get to see grow up.  God is here, even if I don't understand it.  Even if its painful and sad and is long and is going to take a lot of time to heal, he is here. And because he is here, I can do his will.

And so tomorrow we bury our son, so little, so loved, so precious to us. I don't want to be doing this, I want to still be growing a baby, but this is God's will for me, for our family, and I am going to find him in the sadness of it all.

Sadness part 1

I think to say I'm sad feels just not enough. There's this whole sense of vulnerability and rawness and its just so very hard. I don't think I even want to put a name with it, but just to know its there.

This year was already hard enough, Helena was diagnosed with an extra membrane near one of her aorta heart valves and just coming to terms with that was enough.  You see the week I found out I was pregnant was the same week I also had to bear the heaviness of my kid maybe not being okay.  There was a lot of emotion, happy and sad.

And then this week happened. I was not warned by anything. I was nearing 13 weeks and I was just beginning to tell people about a baby coming. I was thinking it was okay to do that and not have to untell everyone just a few days later.  I thought I was going to meet my fourth live baby healthy and happy come this November.

 I woke up on Tuesday night with blood soaked underwear, but felt nothing, there was no warning sign of anything being wrong.  Yes Monday had been a rough day, but we all have those. Last time I miscarried it started with a little trickle and then got worse.  This time wasn't like that.  I felt fine and pregnant going to bed but that changed. I don't even know how to write the next part, except to say that there was sadness and flashbacks and me calling a friend, and Keith calling the midwife.  She was so calm and said if I wasn't in any pain I could wait till morning to get checked out.

I cried a lot that night, I texted friends who I thought would listen. One happened to be up in the middle of the night and was kind and listened. I couldn't talk, but I wrote.  I cancelled appointments and called off work because at least one thing had changed, and unlike last time where I tried to go on and ignore everything, I knew that I couldn't this time. So I didn't.

I called the midwife, and for a bit because of how the bleeding was she wasn't convinced it was a miscarriage, but she thought at the very least I needed to go in and see an OB to get Rhogam due to my Rh negative blood and having a significant blood loss and hopefully he would give us good news with a ultrasound.  So as soon as his office opened I called and I got a standing appointment for that afternoon with knowing that we would be waiting since we were last minute.

There was a lot of not knowing what to do with myself.  A friend came over and brought food with her knowing I probably didn't eat and she was right, I didn't.  Food never appeals to me when life is rough. She sat with my while her kids played with my kids, it was nice.  And then another friend just happened to be in the area that day and said she would come over to babysit the kids when we needed to go to our appointment, she didn't have anything pressing and just wanted to help.

And you guys, that's the one thing that I feel that God was there.  Because lately, when I'm struggling, I remind myself that God is there in that moment. That I'm not alone, and at this moment I could feel God's presence in the way that people were willing to come and help and be there for us.

So we went to the appointment, and it was a bit of a drive to this particular doctor, and the one thing that kept coming to my mind was that I couldn't will this away.  That no matter what, the outcome would be the outcome and while I was hoping that it was just a bleed from the placenta lifting, I had no idea what we would find out.

The OB came in and he was really kind and funny, and oddly he brought in two med students with him that day too, and at this point I've come to not care about those things, but I'm sure it was awkward for them, since I would think for the most part they haven't experienced the ups and downs of being in the field yet. But the doctor, he was really nice and just had a comforting presence.

As soon as he did the ultrasound, he was sad to say that he didn't have good news. He instead had to tell us our baby died and it looked like it died a few days before.  There was no heartbeat and it had stopped growing. Even though at this point my heart already had some sadness, at this point my heart offiically broke.

Divine Mercy

This year has been all about mercy.  I mean it was declared the Year of Mercy by the Pope, there was a book on Divine Mercy that two lovely ladies put out that is a must read that I got a chance to check out earlier this year. And then there was the constant reminders whether in penance or spiritual direction to carry out mercy. That hasn't been a bad thing either. Mercy is an awesome thing. So when Divine Mercy Sunday came around and a friend recommended seeing the film The Original Image of Divine Mercy, I have it a second thought and ultimately went for it dragging my husband along to see it.  The history in the movie was really good, the subtitling could use some spell check and we could have done without the celebrities or at least let them really speak, but overall it was a good story to watch. I especially liked that you could see how in it Jesus and his mercy could not die, despite human efforts to do so, the hope of Jesus lived on even if by a small number of people.  That was a pretty powerful thing to watch. 

The whole time I was watching the movie, in the back of my mind I was contemplating what divine mercy really was. You see, I struggle with things like pure definitions and hardly ever accept them as is.  I mean I've spent hours trying to understand grace, I think I have it to something I understand, but I still think about it at times. Mercy is no different.  I think partially it may be because of my upbringing and there being different vocabulary for things.  I began to think about why mercy is so hard for my head to wrap around, and I came to conclude that its because its so vast, and while we carry out our little part, God's part in it so big it maybe isn't something we can put in words. In my feeble words it would be to be forgiven when we don't deserve it. Perhaps a free pass. 

And then it made contemplate what this would be in my upbringing, my protestant one.  Because while not having divine mercy, the all encompassing thing, there is a sense of mercy.  And to me that would come in when a person has that first come to Jesus moment, because there is that belief that once Jesus comes in to your life that all your sins are forgiven. So in turn this would for sure be a moment of mercy.  The difference then between Catholic theology and the protestant theology is that for Catholics, this isn't a one time deal.  We at least should recognize that we are in constant need of God's mercy, because we are that much infiltrated by our human weaknesses that causes us to screw up and sin. 

So its not that protestants don't have mercy in their vocabulary, they do.  Its just that its viewed differently.  And I think one of the really appealing things to me about Catholicism and perhaps one of there reasons it makes people feel uncomfortable, is that we understand that it is a constant battle between grace and pride. And that when that pride wins we need to run to the arms of Jesus over and over to receive that mercy and start anew. I remember in converting that protestants were worried about me becoming a bad Christian in being Catholic, and to that I say if relying on and recognizing the need of God's infinite mercy is being a bad Christian, then I am guilty.

A Nursing Update: 25 months

It's been a little while since I think I've done a nursing update with Lena, so I thought I would do just that. Currently, we are still nursing, but the volume has decreased drastically.  We had a nasty bout with mastitis that somehow motivated me to start weaning.  Or maybe it was that she was over 2 and she was showing signs that she could handle it too. But there's nothing like the flu like symptoms of mastitis to make you reevaluate how things are going.

So currently we nurse only 2 to 3 sessions per day.  One at the beginning of nap,  one at bed time and the other may happen at wake up for the day like it did today, or in the middle of the night or in a moment where its just needed.  But to go from 8ish nursing sessions to this feels like a different life, and a different baby.

And she is a different baby, or toddler rather.  She used to not be able to sleep in her own bed very well, but sandwiched between her brothers in her new room it seems to be going better, its not fool proof and at times she does wake up, but it seems more and more that if she does, she just finds her way over to my room and bed and curls up next to me not insisting to nurse. This is so different from how she was the first two years of life, I'm not even sure what to say.  But the curling up next to me, I find endearing, because she is definitely still snuggly and that it doesn't come with any other expectations than that I can handle that.

I want to say her appetite is better with decreased nursing, but I have to say its still about the same. Honestly, I think at least all my toddlers are just toddlers about food, sometimes they eat it sometimes they don't.  The one thing is she does seem to finally like cow's milk.  So that's at least something different.

She's able to be comforted now just by touch and this is really nice as well.  That screaming 20 month old that would not except anything but nursing is no longer here, and in some ways I'm sad, but in some ways I'm glad to be through this stage as it makes taking her places a bit more manageable.

And that is where we are at, still nursing at 25 months, but much less and so it feels weaning has begun if only by circumstance and a little bit of maturity on her part.

Other nursing updates
More about Nursing, Dear Lena

Nursing My Toddler

On Ben's 6th Birthday

Dear Ben,

Wow! You are six.  Sometimes I'm amazed we made it this far and kept you alive and well this long. You are my oldest kiddo and I know with that comes a lot of me making mistakes with how to do things with you.  I'm extra grateful for the mercy and grace God bestows on me and you with our relationship.

You've had some ups and downs this past year, with an awesome trip to NYC that you loved and then unfortunately being hospitalized for a nasty virus.  You started kindergarten and you blew through your math curriculum in a hurry. You climb and fly and can charm the pants off of anyone you meet.

Your favorite thing to do is to rattle off the Dinosaur A to Z song from Dinosaur Train sometimes as a duet with your brother.  You have such a thirst for knowledge of dinosaurs that I'm sure you know at least 100 different species. Your favorites are the sauropods.

You are the best big brother as you help your younger siblings out with things they cannot do, but also in that you look out for them too.  You also are a really good friend and try to include them always in your play schemes.

You started to be more adventuresome this past year, whether it be in foods, or taking a class on your own, or trying a new sport out (soccer). You even have been more open to trying some new movies out like Inside Out, Land Before Time, and Pete's Dragon to name a few. You have the most excellent memory when it comes to playing out scenes of whatever movie or show you have watched is.

Thanks for being you, we might not always understand each other , but I am so glad that God had me be your mom.  I don't think I would have grown as much as I did in the last 6 years if I didn't have a you. So thank-you.  I've enjoyed this time we get to spend together and learn about each other and from one another.  You are an excellent Benjamin, even if I am biased in saying so since I am your mama. I hope you grow in this next year to be an even better Benjamin than you are today. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Your Mama

To Lena on her 2nd Birthday

Dear Lena,

You turned two officially today.  And sometimes it is like you were already two and other times I'm in denial and you are still my baby.  For one, you talk in complex sentences and recall events and state your opinion so matter of factly.  You are definitely one verbal little girl, which is something new for me to experience as a mom. But in other things, well you still aren't the best of sleepers. You wake up 1-2 times a night and well, usually it works okay, but sometimes you are just angry when you wake up and take a while to be consoled.

You are definitely a girl after two boys.  You do not hesitate to get in the mud or goo or chalk.  Instead you are right there with them.  However, you approach things differently than your brothers do.  I remember the day where I noticed that you actually played inside the playhouse and methodically carried out fake kitchen bits, while your brothers, well they conquer that house and test its limits by jumping through windows and climbing on its roof.

You take a while to warm up to people, unless you are in a super friendly mood.  Usually when you do warm up you charm whomever you are with.  You love a good game of hide and seek, and you are very obvious but deliberate about being found. You love to be read to and can sit for about 10 different books at once.  You also enjoy some TV too, you enjoy Dinosaur Train and Clifford and Blue's Clues.

You crack me up with your antics, and you especially make me have to hold in the laughter when you pray for "Woofford." (Clifford) every day. You've figured out your colors and since then have declared purple as your favorite one.  Amongst dinosaurs you really like t-rexs, and you seem to often think you are one.  Though if you brother decides to be one, you are easily terrified.

I am so thankful for you, just because you challenge me to be a better mama in your own special way.  You've helped me to be more adaptable, and to be softer to others in a good way.  I feel like I no longer always have the right way to do something but realize there is alway so much more to learn and that each kid is different even if some things are similar or recognizable from before.

I enjoy how you actually play with the baby toys in a way that your siblings never did.  They always wanted to create things, but you see to want to understand how something works.  You also have a nurturing side and I love that about you, though your brothers are sensitive souls your nurturing bits are different and uniquely yours.

So Helena, I'm sad in some ways to see your babyhood be over as you are big two year old now, but I'm also excited for the possibilities that come with you growing older.  I think you are going to be full of fire and keep me on my toes, but I also don't think you will give up your mama snuggles just yet.

Thanks for being you Lena girl, I'm glad that God chose me as your mama.  It's been a privilege to be it for sure.

Love,
Your Mama

Book Review: Divine Mercy for Moms

Over the Christmas season, I had the opportunity to read the book Divine Mercy for Moms, Sharing the Lessons of St. Faustina by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet.

With this year being the Year of Mercy as declared by Pope Francis, so many things seem to be divinely popping up as opportunities to practice and learn mercy. This book was one of those occurrences.  As I read this book, I felt like a wealth of information was bestowed upon me in a good way. 

As a convert, when I read books like this, I am reminded at the vastness of the Catholic faith and how much there is to learn in every single aspect of it.  It never gets old.  I had never encountered the story of St. Faustina before, and divine mercy in itself was a new concept to me other than it being something I caught in passing or glossed over.  This book did a great job recalling the life of the Saint and really taking the wisdom she shared from her life and applying it our lives today.  The authors were able to take it even one step further and take aspects from their own lives and reflect on the divine mercy in them based on St. Faustina's wisdom. 

When I was reading this book, there was a social media squabble on children at mass, and how they did or did not have a right to be there.  Spoiler alert: They do. Divine Mercy for Moms gave a great example for this case, and actually for any circumstance that we are feeling that someone else is causing us to not draw closer to God, but is a distraction.  St. Faustina as a sister would pray in the chapel with the other sisters and was positioned close to another nun that happened to make a lot of noise while she prayed.  St. Faustina thought about saying something to the other sister, but she realized by doing so she would make her conscience of something that would just cause hurt with no resolution.  Instead, St. Faustina learned to pray through the distraction, and because of it grew in grace abundantly. I loved this so much for many reasons, one being that as a mom, its so easy to get bogged down in blaming the kids and mess of life for a poor spiritual life when really we just need a change in perspective, and two it helps us to realize that we need to see others whether they be our children or just a particularly challenging person as people that are children of God and to pray for them to be aware of God's mercy just the same. 

This book presented the corporal and spiritual works of mercy and along with them gave amazing practical examples for which to carry them out.  My favorite one was to pray a chaplet of divine Mercy while making dinner for my family.  My spiritual advisor was pointing out to me the other day just how much of motherhood is doing these acts of mercy, but a lot of times we just are not aware of doing them.  Divine Mercy for Moms gave really practical ways to see this and to try to be aware of God's presence in our everyday.  The authors even went above and beyond and gave outreach examples of the works of mercy, such as handing out water bottles on a hot day to "give drink to the thirsty".  

Divine Mercy for Moms is a book that I feel like is multi-faceted, as it can be a reference book for prayers, and living out mercy, or to be a spiritual refresher or awakener in the mercy department.  It's set up to either do as a personal study but could also be a really great book for a group discussion.  All I know is that I definitely have to read this book again because as I said earlier there is just so much to it that its hard to soak it all up in one reading.  

The authors have set up a website for their book Divine Mercy for Moms. com and I recommend it as its full of great resources that were mentioned in the book but also serves as point to connect with other moms.  You can get some great ideas on how to really live out the works of mercy either from other moms or from the resource links that were mentioned in the book.  Either way its a win-win.

So I hope that you are able to use this book as a way to learn and begin to carry out mercy in your life.  You may be already be merciful in your daily walk and not even know it. But this is a a five star book in helping you to recognize God's mercy and we really all could use more of that.