I definitely didn't think I would be doing this particular act of mercy in this year of mercy, to bury the dead. And yet somehow I am. And maybe, maybe this feels like a bit, because well it was just a little baby, not more than 3-4 inches long. Just a little over 13 weeks along when he was delivered. I delivered him and saw him, this little tiny person, so beautiful so st peace, so unaware of the turmoil constantly inside his mama's head. So, this what I need to do, what our family needs to do. Because this little one, even though so little was already so loved. And I can't imagine it any other way. Tomorrow, we bury him. We named him Noel. Our little Noel Kurak, we love you so much.
St. Noel Chabanel was man that struggled with so many things as an early settler to North America. He couldn't handle the new environment very well, and yet he knew he was there, and he didn't know if his circumstances would change any time soon, so he decided to follow the will of God anyway, even though it was tough. Oddly he said this and then was martyred the next day, but he didn't know that was going to happen.
Somehow this reminds me of our little saint now in heaven. Because for a long time on the inside I was grappling with this pregnancy, some things were said to me that were like a knife in my heart, and so I wasn't wanting to shout with joy that I was carrying new life, and so I kept coming back to this Saint, because he was in tough times but saw God's greater hand at work. I'm not sure I ever really came to grips with everything 100% before tragedy struck, but I think that's gotta be okay. It's where I was at, God was there with me in my struggle. And maybe that's what I need to see in this overall, in this loss of a life that I never get to see grow up. God is here, even if I don't understand it. Even if its painful and sad and is long and is going to take a lot of time to heal, he is here. And because he is here, I can do his will.
And so tomorrow we bury our son, so little, so loved, so precious to us. I don't want to be doing this, I want to still be growing a baby, but this is God's will for me, for our family, and I am going to find him in the sadness of it all.