Sunday, May 13, 2018
One thing that has stood out to me in reading the book so far, that has made me think about just where I am in life is the concept of wholeness of vision. It's something I realize I can struggle with immensely, especially in the hard day to day, where I am just trying to get a kid to finish their school work or get a meal on the table. It would be nice to think about instead how perhaps in the bigger realm of things this work, though a struggle for the kid to do is something that is going to help them to learn discipline and perserverance, the meal that I am creating is helping me to see that I can nourish the people entrusted to me with good food.
A stumbling block I have been thinking about lately, since a return of fertility this last month, is in thinking about more children. I do know that currently I am still in a state where my baby, to me, is pretty small and I don't feel capable to take on another just yet. However, in less than my ideal timing for a baby, if God decided else wise or I blurred the lines of NFP, after grumbling a bit, I would hope with grace I'd rise to the occasion of caring for another soul entrusted to me.
Perhaps that's part of who I am, the grumbling part. The one that takes a while to accept a gift given to her. That needs to know where to put said gift into said spot of the timeline of life. That sometimes grumbles thinking about the struggles of the throbbing varicose veins, and swollen limbs that make it hard to walk, the extreme heartburn that makes it hard to eat or sleep, instead of seeing the gift in hand through it all. It's easy for me to get stuck looking at the trees instead of the forest, the wholeness of vision.
With Stella, I have seen a lot more of how those phases of difficulty with a baby are just phases and in some ways can be enjoyed more than dreaded. Yes, there will be weeks with little sleep but there will also be moments with such great joy. Perhaps that makes me look at her and realize what a gift she is, but also that its okay to maybe someday have another baby, God willing. And in this moment, I also have learned more of how much every moment with a baby either inside or out is a gift and I can't control how long I get with whomever I'm given. I can only control me, and my approach to a situation.
Today on mother's day there was a calmness in the chaos, there was a point where Keith and I were both reading separate books post dinner and the children were playing all around the yard or in the house. I paused for a moment and the fullness of life astounded me. Each baby I brought into this world had some struggle, and the parenting of them hasn't always been easy. But they are beautiful souls and beings and we are team Kurak and we can do this life thing together.
So maybe I am realizing that I do need to step back and see the forest for the trees more, a wholeness of vision may it be. With that peace there that Jesus is always sharing in my life with me every step of the way, perhaps, the next round of this some day won't be so bad.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
The winter was so very long this year. It was very cold almost until the end of April. My kids because of that still think the snow is going to come back. They are however, thoroughly enjoying the 70 degree temperatures now that its been consistently warmer.
May makes me think of flowers and this year especially I have noticed the transformation. We started out the month giving out May Day flowers, because its my favorite under-celebrated holiday. It's so much fun to bring a little cheer to your neighbors with a flower or two.
And then we got to stand up as godparents for a dear little boy, who if its parents had our way would be betrothed to Stella already. I may have flashed the lady sitting diagonally in front of me while trying to nurse Stella in the pew with a light blanket over her, when she totally wasn't having any bit of the cover. But we got through it. And I remember the priest's footwear of Birkenstock sandals above most every thing else, but it was a good day. We even were abtable to do a quick trip to give flowers to our special ones graves at tge cemetery one the way back.
This week has been extra busy with activities. Last week of teaching the high schoolers, last week of Destination Imagination with extra practices, a park date, a end of school year part, a museum field trip, a ladies paint night at the local coffee shop, a soccer game, two soccer practices and then our final DI play performance. I cringed coming into this week because I knew it would be a lot. I think the only thing getting me through this week is a whole lot of grace which is helping me to remember that each moment is a moment to be in and not to rush through or dread.
My favorite moments have oddly been in the car with all the kids. Either they have been arguing all together and I just smile at the chaos, or I introduce them to a silly song on an old album that I love and they love it too, or them cheering me on as we navigate heavy traffic.
And so Saturday will be a little hard, it's my 2 year loss date, Sunday also a little hard because its mother's day. But I know that the last two years have been filled with a lot of growing pains and I'm a bit more velveteen than I was before, and I think that's okay. And one day the reunion in heaven will be epic. :)