I think in my social media circles, there have been a lot of recent book releases. I am sure all of them are excellent books, why else would they be being published. The one that has been sticking in my mind lately and my amazing husband snagged me a copy for Mother's Day is One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler. I'm almost 80 pages in and I just started it in the quiet moments of today. It's been a wonderful read so far and I anticipate good things to come.
One thing that has stood out to me in reading the book so far, that has made me think about just where I am in life is the concept of wholeness of vision. It's something I realize I can struggle with immensely, especially in the hard day to day, where I am just trying to get a kid to finish their school work or get a meal on the table. It would be nice to think about instead how perhaps in the bigger realm of things this work, though a struggle for the kid to do is something that is going to help them to learn discipline and perserverance, the meal that I am creating is helping me to see that I can nourish the people entrusted to me with good food.
A stumbling block I have been thinking about lately, since a return of fertility this last month, is in thinking about more children. I do know that currently I am still in a state where my baby, to me, is pretty small and I don't feel capable to take on another just yet. However, in less than my ideal timing for a baby, if God decided else wise or I blurred the lines of NFP, after grumbling a bit, I would hope with grace I'd rise to the occasion of caring for another soul entrusted to me.
Perhaps that's part of who I am, the grumbling part. The one that takes a while to accept a gift given to her. That needs to know where to put said gift into said spot of the timeline of life. That sometimes grumbles thinking about the struggles of the throbbing varicose veins, and swollen limbs that make it hard to walk, the extreme heartburn that makes it hard to eat or sleep, instead of seeing the gift in hand through it all. It's easy for me to get stuck looking at the trees instead of the forest, the wholeness of vision.
With Stella, I have seen a lot more of how those phases of difficulty with a baby are just phases and in some ways can be enjoyed more than dreaded. Yes, there will be weeks with little sleep but there will also be moments with such great joy. Perhaps that makes me look at her and realize what a gift she is, but also that its okay to maybe someday have another baby, God willing. And in this moment, I also have learned more of how much every moment with a baby either inside or out is a gift and I can't control how long I get with whomever I'm given. I can only control me, and my approach to a situation.
Today on mother's day there was a calmness in the chaos, there was a point where Keith and I were both reading separate books post dinner and the children were playing all around the yard or in the house. I paused for a moment and the fullness of life astounded me. Each baby I brought into this world had some struggle, and the parenting of them hasn't always been easy. But they are beautiful souls and beings and we are team Kurak and we can do this life thing together.
So maybe I am realizing that I do need to step back and see the forest for the trees more, a wholeness of vision may it be. With that peace there that Jesus is always sharing in my life with me every step of the way, perhaps, the next round of this some day won't be so bad.