Thoughts

Honestly internet, I probably shouldn't pour my heart out to you like I do, since there is something to be said about privacy in these things.  But really I don't care what you know about me because I would rather be honest on my life's journey with God than be silent and be a mess inside. This is because for me, writing is therapeutic.  I need it to clear my head.  I may not be a great writer, I know this from my graduate school experience, but I love to write nonetheless.  I need it and you, vast internet, are my audience.

Though my feelings may change in the next week or so, I'm just going to say what's going on in life anyway.  First, I have thought about my emotional state of being, and really I'm not where I should be.  I have a great life, one full of choices that I made out of ability to make them instead of falling into them. Choices that have been good for me. Good for me in that I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God and others.  I know that one of my New Year's resolutions was to own the choices that I make/made.  I am trying to do that in this.

There was an article that was published I think by Fox news a few days back in which a woman suggests that we need to go back to the days of chivalry where women where treated like princesses.  I don't think this is true, the princess thing.  While it would be nice if it were so, but probably only the elite few experienced this really.  I followed a long facebook discussion that Simcha Fisher had on her page regarding the said article.  It was fascinating and encouraging.  They helped me to see that my choices though, sometimes thought of as odd in the realm of academia from which I came, are valid choices.

These choices I refer to are the desire to be a SAHM, and to want a large family, and maybe to want to homeschool them when the time comes. I am thankful that I am able to do these things, as in my last post, I am privileged in the fact that I do have a wonderful husband who is fully supportive of all these things.  I prayed for him for years, and I am thankful that God answered this prayer above and beyond what I could have imagined.  That may sound ridiculous since I got married when I was 23, but it is true.  I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.

So I made these choices and I want to say that they are the best choices for me, I will say that too, at least to the best of my experience and knowledge they are.  However, certain environmental things or maybe just the devil get inside my head and make me think else wise.  I wrote last time that I care too much about what folks think about my choices. I know I shouldn't but yet I do.  It is a constant struggle to try to not care, to care only what God thinks.

I came across a passage again written by Simcha Fisher in the Style, Sex and Substance book.  In it she states,
    " A receptive woman is the most powerful creature in the world, in her deliberate openness: without         her 'yes', nothing more can happen. Life comes to an end.
     Here's the tricky part: 'Yes' can come in many different forms. Sometimes we say, joyfully or in tears, 'Yes, I will accept another baby.' But sometimes the fitting answer is, 'Yes, I accept the need to put off a pregnancy right now.' Or even, 'Yes, I see that God will not give me a living child.' Sometimes we stand there, open and accepting, and God comes to fill our cup with suffering.  And still we must say, 'yes.'"

And for the longest time I think I was upset with myself that I was saying no to God.  That I can't handle this right now.  I think somehow I was playing games with myself, because I wanted to please others. And here is the confusing part, I also wanted to say yes, to the wrong thing for the wrong reason because I wanted to please someone else instead of God.  I think honestly this is a big part of why I am not in the right mental state currently.

My husband said to me, use Lent to prayerfully discern how you can be happy.  I guess ladies and gents that since he is the one that sees me the most, I am not appearing to be happy.  And from the fact that I beat myself up over a night of lost sleep, over and over, this probably is true.  I get so frustrated with stupid things that it sours my whole mood.  And honestly I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though you may have come to the conclusion that I am.  I would just say that really need to begin living more for God and less for this world and be okay with my pride being destroyed in the process.

So this is a main reason why I will spend Lent not complaining, because I need to die to self and really live for God.  I need to find my happiness in him and not in others opinions.  So ladies and gents, pray for me on my journey this lent and I will try to do my best and pray for you all too.

At the source, it just may be pride...

I feel like lately I'm running into roadblocks with choices our family is making or is thinking about making for the future.  I guess when you talk to folks you think about how you are similar to them because then you can band together.  But at the same time you are thankful that they aren't you and aren't the same because really how dull of a life would that be?

I was reading a study yesterday taken in 2011 about Catholic women and their views on contraception and whether or not the church had influence on them and what not.  From it the one thing that sticks in my mind from it is the factor on what influences when deciding to have a baby.  When I looked at it, for me the first few things that were most important were simply givens to me, because honestly I guess I am privileged to have that stability of marriage, finance and relationship.  Further down the list were mental health, something I definitely struggle with my anxiety, and what family or friends thought.

Sadly, I think sometimes I do care too much about what family or friends thing about my decisions because I want to be well liked.  I know honestly that I am a prideful person.  Really, its one of my hugest downfalls.  I hate being wrong, and I hate when someone tells me that I am wrong.  It's a struggle this pride of mine.  I pray for humility a lot.

The confessor that my husband and I both share, once told him that at the source of all sin is pride.  I see this more and more in my life as I am growing as a Catholic christian.  Because really why do we choose the wrong over the right, we don't want to look bad.  We want to be the best of the best. We want to think that that we are in control of it all. Hah!  And really one would think that over the past almost 30 years I would know this.  That I am not in control.  Repeat.  I am not in control.  And yet it is a struggle.  Somehow the sinful, prideful part of me wants to say "Yes, I am in control!" But I'm not.  And its a good thing that I am not, because if I had the role of God, well you know what? The Earth would not be here anymore is what I am saying.  We would have world wars 3, 4, and 5 within like 2 months and everyone would be left speaking the gibberish of Kiera speak if there were any people left.

So, what am I getting at? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But one thing I do know is that I definitely have to work on how I let my pride get in the way of making choices or justifying choices.  Both are so linked in my life its ridiculous.  However, I am going to try.  Because the church on Earth and Heaven are not full of little Kiera's mimicking each other, but instead are diverse and beautiful because of of their differences.  While we all belong to the same God, we are allowed the free will and have been given various gifts and talents and use them so differently.

I can't control how another person is going to react to my different choice. I can't live in fear of someone yelling at me for my crazy life family choices either. I won't be myself if I don't make that choice and own who I am, instead I would just get swept up into something I am not and be unhappy through it all.

So, did I make a point?

"I wanna be a big star, a king and rule my own life

And God, I know that it's wrong

So please just make my heart right inside and destroy my pride...

Please just tell me something good you got it

And why am I so misunderstood

'Cause I wanna know this

Come on baby and race me

And maybe we'll just find ourselves" -The Rocket Summer

Thoughts about where I am

Gah. I hate opening my heart on the internet, because I never know how its going to be taken.  I mean I blog, so I should be used to it. I've been holding out a lot lately, but if you read my resolutions for 2013, one of them was to own who I am.  And if I forgot to post that particular resolution, well I am following it anyway.

So really 2012 was filled with learning about me, in ways I must have crumpled into a ball and just shoved into a corner for a long time.  My shortcomings and fears and anxieties came out.  I spent the year feeling incompetent, wanting to scream and fearing that I would never sleep well again.

A lot of these things came from being a parent of 2 kiddos under 3.  It's just hard man, and I just have to admit it.  Figuring out naps and bedtime was a big challenge and then shutting my brain off to actually sleep was even more of a challenge.  Because for me when I don't sleep well, which happened a lot this past year because of giving birth to a rough sleeper in late 2011, I get more and more anxious about my lack of sleep.

And then on top of that, a lot of thoughts were taken into account of what to do with child spacing during the latter half of the year.  I wanted to trust God more than I think I was willing to do.  Though I tell myself that I am better off that I don't do anything against God's will like contracepting, but I'm still a sinner and even with NFP I don't trust him enough to know that he will take care of me and knows what I can handle. I need to do more trusting, another resolution for 2013.

So basically the last few months have been a trying time of learning to trust God more. I get fearful of what the world is and the crazy powerful people out there, or just care too much about what people think about my life decisions.  I know I shouldn't care. I mean I'm trying my best and trying to make the best decisions for my family, but its still hard.

I also fear the unknown, I hate the weaning process, because I sometimes feel like there is no end in sight and this time around I haven't done anything to actively wean my baby, but he's still doing it.  The hormones are still driving me crazy, I feel like a ball of rage sometimes, and other times a rude comment can send me to tears, as what happened today at a store.

Currently, I'm trying to trust God more.  I try to repeat as much I remember to do so, "Sacred Heart of Jesus," I put my trust in thee. But also just the realization the good always has to trump evil is helping me, in that God is always in control and if I do try my best to trust I will know that.  I also keep trying to pray for help in my unbelief, that I may believe, and not worry or be anxious.

But this is the place where I am.  One day at a time though, right?

“Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.” - St. Padre Pio