Honestly internet, I probably shouldn't pour my heart out to you like I do, since there is something to be said about privacy in these things. But really I don't care what you know about me because I would rather be honest on my life's journey with God than be silent and be a mess inside. This is because for me, writing is therapeutic. I need it to clear my head. I may not be a great writer, I know this from my graduate school experience, but I love to write nonetheless. I need it and you, vast internet, are my audience.
Though my feelings may change in the next week or so, I'm just going to say what's going on in life anyway. First, I have thought about my emotional state of being, and really I'm not where I should be. I have a great life, one full of choices that I made out of ability to make them instead of falling into them. Choices that have been good for me. Good for me in that I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God and others. I know that one of my New Year's resolutions was to own the choices that I make/made. I am trying to do that in this.
There was an article that was published I think by Fox news a few days back in which a woman suggests that we need to go back to the days of chivalry where women where treated like princesses. I don't think this is true, the princess thing. While it would be nice if it were so, but probably only the elite few experienced this really. I followed a long facebook discussion that Simcha Fisher had on her page regarding the said article. It was fascinating and encouraging. They helped me to see that my choices though, sometimes thought of as odd in the realm of academia from which I came, are valid choices.
These choices I refer to are the desire to be a SAHM, and to want a large family, and maybe to want to homeschool them when the time comes. I am thankful that I am able to do these things, as in my last post, I am privileged in the fact that I do have a wonderful husband who is fully supportive of all these things. I prayed for him for years, and I am thankful that God answered this prayer above and beyond what I could have imagined. That may sound ridiculous since I got married when I was 23, but it is true. I would be fooling myself if I said otherwise.
So I made these choices and I want to say that they are the best choices for me, I will say that too, at least to the best of my experience and knowledge they are. However, certain environmental things or maybe just the devil get inside my head and make me think else wise. I wrote last time that I care too much about what folks think about my choices. I know I shouldn't but yet I do. It is a constant struggle to try to not care, to care only what God thinks.
I came across a passage again written by Simcha Fisher in the Style, Sex and Substance book. In it she states,
" A receptive woman is the most powerful creature in the world, in her deliberate openness: without her 'yes', nothing more can happen. Life comes to an end.
Here's the tricky part: 'Yes' can come in many different forms. Sometimes we say, joyfully or in tears, 'Yes, I will accept another baby.' But sometimes the fitting answer is, 'Yes, I accept the need to put off a pregnancy right now.' Or even, 'Yes, I see that God will not give me a living child.' Sometimes we stand there, open and accepting, and God comes to fill our cup with suffering. And still we must say, 'yes.'"
And for the longest time I think I was upset with myself that I was saying no to God. That I can't handle this right now. I think somehow I was playing games with myself, because I wanted to please others. And here is the confusing part, I also wanted to say yes, to the wrong thing for the wrong reason because I wanted to please someone else instead of God. I think honestly this is a big part of why I am not in the right mental state currently.
My husband said to me, use Lent to prayerfully discern how you can be happy. I guess ladies and gents that since he is the one that sees me the most, I am not appearing to be happy. And from the fact that I beat myself up over a night of lost sleep, over and over, this probably is true. I get so frustrated with stupid things that it sours my whole mood. And honestly I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though you may have come to the conclusion that I am. I would just say that really need to begin living more for God and less for this world and be okay with my pride being destroyed in the process.
So this is a main reason why I will spend Lent not complaining, because I need to die to self and really live for God. I need to find my happiness in him and not in others opinions. So ladies and gents, pray for me on my journey this lent and I will try to do my best and pray for you all too.