So really 2012 was filled with learning about me, in ways I must have crumpled into a ball and just shoved into a corner for a long time. My shortcomings and fears and anxieties came out. I spent the year feeling incompetent, wanting to scream and fearing that I would never sleep well again.
A lot of these things came from being a parent of 2 kiddos under 3. It's just hard man, and I just have to admit it. Figuring out naps and bedtime was a big challenge and then shutting my brain off to actually sleep was even more of a challenge. Because for me when I don't sleep well, which happened a lot this past year because of giving birth to a rough sleeper in late 2011, I get more and more anxious about my lack of sleep.
And then on top of that, a lot of thoughts were taken into account of what to do with child spacing during the latter half of the year. I wanted to trust God more than I think I was willing to do. Though I tell myself that I am better off that I don't do anything against God's will like contracepting, but I'm still a sinner and even with NFP I don't trust him enough to know that he will take care of me and knows what I can handle. I need to do more trusting, another resolution for 2013.
So basically the last few months have been a trying time of learning to trust God more. I get fearful of what the world is and the crazy powerful people out there, or just care too much about what people think about my life decisions. I know I shouldn't care. I mean I'm trying my best and trying to make the best decisions for my family, but its still hard.
I also fear the unknown, I hate the weaning process, because I sometimes feel like there is no end in sight and this time around I haven't done anything to actively wean my baby, but he's still doing it. The hormones are still driving me crazy, I feel like a ball of rage sometimes, and other times a rude comment can send me to tears, as what happened today at a store.
Currently, I'm trying to trust God more. I try to repeat as much I remember to do so, "Sacred Heart of Jesus," I put my trust in thee. But also just the realization the good always has to trump evil is helping me, in that God is always in control and if I do try my best to trust I will know that. I also keep trying to pray for help in my unbelief, that I may believe, and not worry or be anxious.
But this is the place where I am. One day at a time though, right?