I've been reading Chris Padgett's book "I'm not OK, You're not OK, but It's OK." Its got some meh parts, but honestly a lot has been eye opening. I think its the first book in a while that has actually struck a cord on a deeper level for me.
You see I struggle with anxiety. I'm not sure I actually ever said that bluntly on the blog before. I'm not sure I always have had anxiety, though I tend to be a worrier, but there have been a few major key players and plays in my life which resulted in a lot of conflict and fear and this I think was a big source of my current state. I think for a while I was so focused on being hurt that I didn't realize that other things were happening, coping mechanisms, masks and walls were being set up by me.
While I think I have come to a point where I have forgiven those people, I realize now that as a result I am ridden of anxiety for fear of being hurt so badly again. I don't think I realized until recently how deep some of the wounds went.
The connection to this book, is that I never realized that its okay to be needy. I think I was slowly putting it together these past few months and you can probably see that in prior posts, but I think I would sacrifice myself and my own happiness to the point that I probably wasn't that awesome to be around sometimes. I do need to say, hey, I need this from this or you. Ultimately, Padgett says we fulfill this need in Christ, this neediness, and I'm getting there, I think. But I have a lot to work on too.
You see I'm not good at being me in a confident way. I do like the choices that I've made, but when it comes to being able to stand up for myself I'm an anxious mess. So I'm praying about this these days, and trying to find some ways to grow, to be more confident.
I look at my children, and I love how bold they are, they rarely seem be afraid of things in the way I am. I'm thankful for that, I know God has given me them for many reasons and this is definitely one of them. I don't want to crush their spirits though and this is another reason why I need to work on my own self-confidence so that they can be confident.
So that is me, if you are willing to stick with me on this journey then thank-you. I appreciate it.