Trying to stop wishing

I hate that I write a lot of these posts about my oldest, and don't really touch on my younger two.  But honestly, one is a baby and therefore is cool as long as she is with mama, and the other guy, well for some reason most of the time he's not that hard for me. Maybe he will challenge me more later, teen years I am sure will be crazy, right? My oldest on the other hand is my hardest usually.  

Something about his temperament and my temperament just kind of butt heads a lot.  I think I have especially learned a lot about myself from parenting him. I always think that being his mama will either be my downfall or make me into a saint.  Hopefully it will be the latter. 

Today, for a second I let myself wish that he would for once just say okay mama, instead of questioning my every decision and move.  I thought wow, wouldn't that be nice.  But then I realized that he wouldn't be who he is supposed to be and I wouldn't be learning and growing on this life journey.  

Honestly, I do sometimes become short with him and I feel crushed that I do this automatically.  I don't ever want to break his spirit or will, even if it is the hardest thing to die to myself when I falsely try to control these little people that God has entrusted to me.  I mean to give an example, Benjamin finds no folly in being behind the counter making himself at home at the local corner farmer's market (don't worry the owners love him.)   I don't think I could have ever been that child myself, but he is. And, yes he needs boundaries, I know this, but honestly figuring out those boundaries I think are definitely one of the harder things with him.  However, to wish him to be different I cannot, as hard as he is. He is what God gave me and I love him.