Helena's birth story

So we have a baby girl now.  It seems crazy, I mean I felt like she would be a girl, but I think I was setting myself for having another boy, and not that I would be upset with another boy, its just that I couldn't fathom that things would be be different.

Now on to her birth...Monday night I had a lot of lower back pain and it didn't really go away until the next morning. It snowed about a foot Monday into Tuesday morning, and while Keith decided to work from home all day, I'm thankful that his job allows him to do this, I had a midwife appointment at 1pm that I was set on going to no matter what.  So crazy kid me shoveled half the driveway with the boys semi helping and then let Keith do the rest.

I had my appointment and my midwife told me that I was contracting. I just didn't feel it at this moment. Fast forward to Thursday and I while I was making dinner I started having a few contractions that I actually felt but they stopped when I sat down for actual dinner.

Friday night, I didn't have any more contractions, but for some reason there was so much pressure and baby felt so low that I just couldn't sit.  I found myself hanging over an exercise ball just because it felt better and then I went to bed hoping to get some sleep.

At 2am I was woken up by contractions that continued every 7-10 minutes till about 5:30.  But nothing really picked up and actually around 5 they slowed down. So tried to sleep and got about an hour or so of sleep before the kids woke up.

This whole week Ephraim had insisted on staying as close to me as possible. I think he could tell something was about to happen.  So he stayed up later than normal watching the olympics with us and slept on the crib mattress beside us or on the floor if he rolled off looking like this.

It was like he was my own little watch dog. He refused to be moved, so we just let him be. 

Things slowed down for a few hours in the morning, but I still called my midwife to give her a heads up because well, I haven't had false/warm-up labor to that extent before.  So I figured I should at least let her know what was happening. She said she had one appointment to go to and then would be at her MIL's house, which happens to be about 4 houses away from ours. 

I figured I was in labor at this point, but I just felt like it was going to take awhile, so I sent Keith to Target to get some things we were missing in the house, and since I hadn't gotten my GBS result back, I needed the rinse that prevents GBS from becoming an issue. I haven't been GBS positive before, but I know it lives in your system and can present itself at anytime and causes major issues with baby. Thus, better safe than sorry.

Keith came back and at this point I had started a puzzle and the in-laws were called to come get the kids. So around 10:30-11am the boys were picked up and oddly contractions started getting closer again. I watched a whole bunch of house hunters on Amazon Prime TV and by noon or shortly after I again called the midwife, because well things were more intense. I got her voicemail but within a few minutes she called back and said she was in the neighborhood and would be there in 2 minutes.  And a good thing she was because apparently active labor was pretty short for me, about an hour.  

We tried to set up the tub, but well, it takes more than an hour to do.  I think next time if we do water, I think I will tell Keith to just start it as soon as labor starts because well otherwise its useless with me since there is not enough time. 

The midwife was cool about everything though and Keith and her just quickly made up the bed for birth because she knew I was close.  I remember asking to use the bathroom, because well, I just think for me its natural with all the pressure to want to bear down over something.  But she reminded me if I did that, there was probably going to be a baby born in a toilet.  And while she was okay if I wanted to do that, I thought it might be a nicer story to tell baby later that she wasn't.  

So in about 3 pushes I had a baby girl out.  I was totally amazed she was a girl, despite the feeling the whole time that it was a girl. It took about 20 minutes afterward for the placenta to deliver itself, but it didn't matter because I had a baby girl in my arms. All the mess went away quickly and nothing was ruined or stained in the house. 

It was honestly not highly dramatic like last time and I think I needed that.  I know God was still looking out for me though with the uncertainties of short active labor and him putting my midwife right in the neighborhood when I needed her to be. I am thankful to have a healthy, beautiful baby girl in my life now and I am enjoying all the shenanigans her brothers are causing in the chaos of a new baby.  Now if only could get the boys to call her baby Helena or Lena instead of baby Gaby which they insist on calling her. 

Helena Perpetua

Homebirth vs. Hospital Part 1: Prenatal Care

I'm not one much to make lists, its just not in me too much so I apologize in advance for the lack of bullet points.  I just know a few of you have been interested in the fact that I am planning to have a home birth this time around.  So I wanted to give you more information about it.

So you all know that making this actual decision was a hard one, not so much the home birthing aspect itself, I totally labor all that I can at home anyway, so why not just take the plunge to staying at home for actual birthing too. Since I really don't like to be intervened with in birth unless needed, this seemed like a good option for me.

So what's it been like?  Pre-natal care has definitely differed.  Appointments are 1-2 hours and encompass the whole of my life at the time. It's been good for me, especially this time because I've had a lot to work through and she has been able to help me do that by talking with me giving me suggestions to work on and even lending books to read.

In the appointments, I actually do my own urine analysis, before this was probably done by the nurse, but now I know exactly what was being checked and check it myself.  I also get to opt out of something if I don't want to do it without backlash. One day we even skipped taking BP because she knew I was fine, but I was just being paranoid about it instead of seeing it as something helpful. I think this has been good and at the same time trying to me because well, it makes me have to trust God more and not the establishment.

Different HB midwives do different things, it depends on different state regulations and such and what they feel is important.  The one I have models her care more on the European midwife standard of care, so she does test for Strep B, but will not do an IV for drugs at birth but a wash instead.  She doesn't however test for gestational diabetes because it has never been an issue for her patients as long as diet is monitored.  She will however refer you to an office if you want that type of testing.

Ultrasounds are also not required. It's an odd thing to tell a person that no I don't have any US pictures of my baby yet, but really I feel like for myself they are expensive under our insurance and last time when I got them with my first I felt very pressured to get them so that I could then consider abortion if something wasn't right. This wasn't going to be the outcome, so hubby and I decided unless necessary we would skip them from there on out.  I know for a lot of folks ultrasounds mean reassurance and connection with baby and I am glad for that, I just haven't felt the need for that this time around.

I guess one major difference is that you really see a person as your care provider instead of a title.  This can come with ups and downs, because maybe you have slightly different personalities and disagree a little or maybe you gain a friend. But also its made me have to remember that their is a person there that has a life, that isn't perfect and well that's okay.  It doesn't mean that she isn't a professional about her work, she is, but there are definitely differences to having a one man shop versus an office to call where someone else does a lot of the interacting work for you and you just have to follow protocol.

So this all I know about HB at the moment.  The midwife I have actually now has an apprentice too, so I'm interested to see what having her there as well brings to the table.  There is approximately 6.5 weeks to go.  It's bound to get more interesting from here on out

Trying to get through it (Part 3)

I have struggled so much with this whole thing because well I felt like I should have been happy with a healthy baby and a healthy me.  I mean, physically we were great. And in those first few weeks, while I was mad at what happened, I didn't really have time to process it, and it went into the back of my mind while I powered through my husband being in school and taking care of 2 kids.

I went into my 6 week checkup with complaints and questions, but nothing got answered.  The only answer I obtained when I asked how this could be prevented again was that it was now on my chart. That didn't cut it, but what could I do when no one would give me answers as to why this happened?

At about 9 weeks post partum, I had a full fledge panic attack in the middle of the night. Oddly my husband had been up late doing school work and I just remember crying to him saying I think there is something wrong with me.  I think I tried to label it in my own head, that maybe I had PPD.  But now I know that wasn't it, I never wanted to harm me or my baby.  It was more like PTSD, but I didn't know that at the time. This didn't happen every night at the time, but gradually increased to not being able to fall asleep, I was terrified to fall asleep. 

This went on for a while, somedays I would sleep, others I wouldn't.  I went in sometime in April to see my doctor, I got the nurse practioner and they suggested that I take melatonin.  I did.  It became almost a crutch for me for a while, but I did sleep more.

When the time came that fertility returned and there was a possibilty of another baby I was a mess.  I couldn't fathom it at that time, I just couldn't.  I didn't know why, but I guess I just tried to put it behind me.  It wasn't until close to a year later that I could imagine a baby again.  But there were still a lot of questions in my mind.

I think at this point I knew I had to do something different, a home birth.  I was going against the establishment in my decision.  I told people it was because it was due to me sucking at getting to the hospital on time and me, liking to labor at home anyway. These may be true, but there was something more.  Simply what happened last time...could...not...happen...again.

I was scared to make this choice though because it meant I had to trust someone new again, but hopefully someone who wasn't going to let me down.  But knowing what I knew about homebirth midwifery, she was going to know that I was human.  I wasn't going to be able to hide behind my facade that I am so good at putting up for people.

It took me to the second appointment to completely fall apart.  But it was good.  She now knows where I am coming from, why this means so much and instead of not having faith in me.  She suggested some ways to get closure, not to force is but to try for it. She said some powerful words to me that have stuck with me, "You need to know that you don't need anyone to do this(give birth), you don't need me and you don't need them, you can do this all on your own.  This doesn't mean that I am not going to try my best to be there, but you can do this."

And I'm still processing that, because I've never thought of it in that way.  But I think it is helping, because God did design us to be able to do this, and while there are times where intervention is necessary, many times its not.  Many times, we just need someone to catch that baby and clean us up, at least that has been my case. And I know there are people on all sides of the spectrum when it comes to birth, and I think as long as you are informed and happy with your choice that its good.  I am just glad there is way to get through this all for me.

Go back and Read Part 2 or Part 1.