Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Trying to get through it (Part 3)

I have struggled so much with this whole thing because well I felt like I should have been happy with a healthy baby and a healthy me.  I mean, physically we were great. And in those first few weeks, while I was mad at what happened, I didn't really have time to process it, and it went into the back of my mind while I powered through my husband being in school and taking care of 2 kids.

I went into my 6 week checkup with complaints and questions, but nothing got answered.  The only answer I obtained when I asked how this could be prevented again was that it was now on my chart. That didn't cut it, but what could I do when no one would give me answers as to why this happened?

At about 9 weeks post partum, I had a full fledge panic attack in the middle of the night. Oddly my husband had been up late doing school work and I just remember crying to him saying I think there is something wrong with me.  I think I tried to label it in my own head, that maybe I had PPD.  But now I know that wasn't it, I never wanted to harm me or my baby.  It was more like PTSD, but I didn't know that at the time. This didn't happen every night at the time, but gradually increased to not being able to fall asleep, I was terrified to fall asleep. 

This went on for a while, somedays I would sleep, others I wouldn't.  I went in sometime in April to see my doctor, I got the nurse practioner and they suggested that I take melatonin.  I did.  It became almost a crutch for me for a while, but I did sleep more.

When the time came that fertility returned and there was a possibilty of another baby I was a mess.  I couldn't fathom it at that time, I just couldn't.  I didn't know why, but I guess I just tried to put it behind me.  It wasn't until close to a year later that I could imagine a baby again.  But there were still a lot of questions in my mind.

I think at this point I knew I had to do something different, a home birth.  I was going against the establishment in my decision.  I told people it was because it was due to me sucking at getting to the hospital on time and me, liking to labor at home anyway. These may be true, but there was something more.  Simply what happened last time...could...not...happen...again.

I was scared to make this choice though because it meant I had to trust someone new again, but hopefully someone who wasn't going to let me down.  But knowing what I knew about homebirth midwifery, she was going to know that I was human.  I wasn't going to be able to hide behind my facade that I am so good at putting up for people.

It took me to the second appointment to completely fall apart.  But it was good.  She now knows where I am coming from, why this means so much and instead of not having faith in me.  She suggested some ways to get closure, not to force is but to try for it. She said some powerful words to me that have stuck with me, "You need to know that you don't need anyone to do this(give birth), you don't need me and you don't need them, you can do this all on your own.  This doesn't mean that I am not going to try my best to be there, but you can do this."

And I'm still processing that, because I've never thought of it in that way.  But I think it is helping, because God did design us to be able to do this, and while there are times where intervention is necessary, many times its not.  Many times, we just need someone to catch that baby and clean us up, at least that has been my case. And I know there are people on all sides of the spectrum when it comes to birth, and I think as long as you are informed and happy with your choice that its good.  I am just glad there is way to get through this all for me.

Go back and Read Part 2 or Part 1

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